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Homosexuality is in and of itself not pathological; and like heterosexuality, it is a complex expression of multiple personal and historical meanings.

The gay-affirmative psychological literature has been helpful in understanding and exploring what it is like growing up gay. It means being scapegoated, shamed, ridiculed, and hidden. It also means internalizing negative self-esteem, managing it, and growing to an acceptance of oneself.

We wish to take a look at the childhood of gay men. "Not being queer" is a central organizing principle in our culture. Every young boy's experience is shaped and formed within this framework. The young boy, who later identifies himself as gay, begins his life within this "reality". This has potent implications for the development of his own sexual identity.

Gay men often report some awareness of "being different" that started fairly early in life (e.g., well before puberty, often as early as 4, 5, or 6). In looking back, they can appreciate and tie this feeling into their current differentiated and formed gay identity. How do we begin to grasp the nature of this child's experience? This poignant feeling of "differentness" appears particularly tied to one's gender-atypical behavior.

Many more complex processes are also going on in more subtle, less conscious ways. One such process is the lack of mirroring responsiveness to one's early, emerging sexual and affectionate expressions. It is the same-sex erotic fantasies centering on the father (often later repressed) that initially make these children feel so different and reprehensible.

The proto-gay boy often, from an early age, has some beginning awareness of feeling different. He also, to varying degrees, begins to connect this differnentness with something forbidden, terrible, unthinkable. This may perhaps come in a momentary flash or it may be a continual fear; it may be conscious or it may be primarily unconscious. The hatred, hostility, and vehemence with which people around him manifest when using words like faggot, sissy, queer, whether directed at him or others, coupled with his own undeveloped, distorted understanding of these terms, presents a unique situation.

Unlike being Black or Jewish, the gay man as a child is both typically alone with his "differentness," as well as often unclear, confused, conflicted, and horrified by "it". Unlike the Black child whose parents are typically also Black or the Jewish child with Jewish parents and relatives, the proto-gay child typically not only does not have gay parents, but also doesn't even know what "gay" is except as very nebulous and very negative thing. It (his "gayness") either remains unobvious to the outside world and is then "managed" internally alone with varying degrees of consciousness and unconsciousness. Alternatively, it becomes obvious to the external world and is met with intense disapproval and ridicule; further increasing the shame and fear, all of which is almost always also "managed" alone. Unable to react emotionally and/or thoughtfully to the traumatic event, the individual is then forced to keep its presence undigested and powerfully influential, albeit out of consciousness. There is not a sympathetic person to share his feelings with or his own ability to appreciate the injustice of his situation. His numerous injuries, overt or covert, that often occur daily are "suffered in silence". Whether he is overtly ridiculed for being different or covertly hears ridicule and rejection for being different in a way he suspects and fears he might be, or tries to prove to himself that he's not different, these are all injuries that are typically suffered alone, silently, sometimes consciously, often unconsciously. Can this boy voice his tormenting secret? It is unlikely for many reasons. Certainly as a child the "secret" is typically a secret to oneself: poorly understood, dimly realized, fearfully avoided, rationalized, reacted against. Hence, even the private emotional reactions often get aborted, e.g., tears, lamentations, rage, blowing off steam, thoughts of revenge. Can this boy repair his injury or must he accept it? Again, can he correct his memory of humiliation by appreciating his own worth?

The above-mentioned tasks require very complex and highly developed capabilities, clearly beyond the capacities of most 5-year-olds. The ability to empathize with oneself and appreciate that the world's rejection and ridicule is wrong, unfair, unjust, and hence have sympathetic tears or rage, while maintaining a consistent and reliable sense of self-esteem: Who could expect a 5-year-old to accomplish this without enormous external support?

As a result of this inability to react, the traumatic events then become subject to a splitting of consciousness or dissociation. These traumatic experiences are laid down as unconscious memory traces, powerfully influential, reactivated later in life.

A sense of "feeling different" is difficult enough, but when one intuitively senses that it might be related to some of the most taboo, frightening, despised images in our culture, as well as in one's own family, then this is surely too emotionally overstimulating as well as confusing for the young proto-gay child. The boy who feels generally valued and approved of in his family, who hears his parents viciously talk about "faggots," receives unarticulated trauma that gets structured internally, remains and affects the gay adolescent and adult later on in life.

The "coming-out" the very gradual process of beginning to identify oneself as gay, to slowly accepting oneself as gay, and simultaneously disclosing this identity to others: this is an enormously complex process that touches one to the core. It is not merely a series of discrete events leading to increasing self-disclosure (as gay) and reduced isolation and emergent support. The sophisticated gay adult within a large urban gay community, who is "out" to himself and others, still has a very rich developmental history. He has laid down internal structures that do not easily vanish or change even with the more current overt support from his community. Even overt support from his family of origin, now finally available in the best of cases, does not "make up" for the early deprivation. In other words, there is still much internal work to be done: the emotional sequelae to lifelong deprivation, isolation, and humiliation do not resolve themselves through social interventions alone.

Abridged from original with permission (Alan Blum, Ph.D. and Van Pfetzing, Ph.D.)

To be continued

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The following is a case discussion to illustrate some of the major themes of the "Trauma of Growing Up Gay". A 38-year-old gay male attorney, Bud, comes to treatment with an agitated depression of two years duration following the breakup of his first homosexual relationship. The patient encountered his former lover at a meeting where he found himself tongue-tied, unable to converse, ashamed and embarrassed. Bud spent several weeks preoccupied with whether he was "really loved" during this six-month relationship or deceived, manipulated, and exploited. Specifically, he wonders if he was taken advantage of financially. The evidence in support of this position is sparse. As we explored this more deeply, painful insecurities emerged about his own self-worth. This attractive professionally successful gay man was intensely critical and judgmental of himself. Bud compared his own appearance, intelligence, success, and status with that of other individuals. This accounting would always leave him feeling deficient and lacking. His attractions were toward those whom he idealized. He could not register even the more blatant cues when someone he idealized expressed an interest in him. He concluded that no one desirable was attracted to him.

It became clear that Bud felt himself defective and at risk of exposure if he were to become emotionally intimate with another person. His self-sufficiency and detachment pervaded our sessions together. He talked compulsively with little awareness of the therapist's presence; in fact, he typically seemed stunned by any comment from the therapist. It was as if he was in the consulting room alone. His erratic attendance further amplified the detachment and distancing that were so characteristic of his life.

A first awareness of relatedness to the therapist, many months down the line, was his expectation of exploitation, reminiscent of his fears regarding his ex-boyfriend. Over time, these defenses and fears regarding relatedness, which he was originally completely unaware of, began to soften. As this occurred, affect states emerged in primitive, disjointed and frightening ways. The therapist had to tolerate a lot of "not knowing" during this period.

Over time, the intense affect states became labeled and understood as neediness, vulnerability, and wishes for attachment. It became clear that these feelings were deeply intertwined with the threats, rejection, and humiliation that had pervaded his childhood. His resulting internalized sense of defectiveness and crippling shame was central.

Gradually we were able to reconstruct his immersion in a hostile environment at school, subjected to spoken and unspoken criticism, and left to parents who embodied achievement and desirability with no acknowledgment of his own struggles and shortcomings. His parents had been the picture of an ideal couple to the outside world. His father was a successful physician and decorated veteran of World War II. He exuded enthusiasm, confidence, and capability. Bud's mother was beautiful, sociable, and admired. Their desirability in the community contrasted with his own ostracism. Bud existed in their shadow. Until he excelled as a swimmer in his final two years of high school, his father showed no interest in Bud. Bud felt swimming was his first success in a masculine pursuit. Despite this success, Bud felt defective and was left alone within this experience. He still felt it best to avoid exposure to others and to shield himself from the barrage of hostility and hatred directed toward him. He did not have the means to articulate his experience in this isolated and traumatized state.

One cold rainy day later in the treatment, he enters the consulting room with a comment about the "wonderful" weather. He lapses into a quiet reflective reverie, which contrasts with his usual pressured speech. His Associations lead him to memories of his first year in elementary school. On a rainy day, he would feel snug and safe inside the schoolroom focused on a solitary project. As he experienced the comfort of this memory, he identified a dreadful foreboding that intrudes and carries him to further painful recollections. He could feel comfort within the classroom because he had a secured place. His performance in this structured space spared him the threatening exposure he knew awaited him outside. He vividly recalled a classmate's sudden punch to the stomach that took his breath and left him beyond words or tears. The sensation itself immobilized him with no point of reference to organize the experience. The punch was delivered as a challenge to fight and he was disparaged with an unknown word - "sissy." He recalled repeated abuse that left him with a deep sense of alienation, shame, and hurt. He felt himself to be undesirable and different from other children.

This sense of "differentness" was poorly understood, dimly realized, and fearfully avoided. He had a secret that he must hide or he could lose everything in an instant. His social interactions were conceived around self-protection: Never allow anyone to detect his difference, even though he could not identify the defining qualities of his difference. His world had begun to shrink by the early age of 5. He was not free, as the other children appeared to be. He had identified a life or death task that he sensed but could not articulate.

Bud's psychotherapy ultimately provided the opportunity to experience the range of feelings, along with the traumatic circumstances, which had been too painful and disturbing to recollect alone. In fact, his functioning had seemed to depend on forgetting these emotional wounds. Yet as he did remember, he began to experience his own aggression in a freer, more direct way. He recognized how alone he had been as a child and adolescent. This was not to say that he had not had friends or, at times, even been popular. The popularity was based on who others thought he was. He cultivated an image to exclude those very sexual emotional aspects of himself that were not mirrored in childhood. He replicated the same aversion to himself that he had been subjected to from an early age. He lived with constant vigilance and anxiety about being found out. Whom could he have turned to for understanding and support?

The patient consistently began to recall years of accumulated ridicule and ostracism. He dreamed that he was in a social situation in which a young boy was exhibiting a snake. He attempted to move away surreptitiously rather than risk drawing attention to his terror of the snake. He maintained his composure on the surface yet the boy sensed his distress inside and aggressively forced the snake in this direction. He panicked, attempted to flee, but the boy flung the snake toward him. The snake clung to his shoulder. He awoke terrified.

His associations to the dream amplified the long-standing fear he had been left to mange alone throughout his life. The snake-boy recalled the all-powerful and idealized masculinity represented by an exhibitionistic aggressiveness that he felt belonged to other boys and not himself. They could do whatever they pleased. They were unafraid. The patient felt the dream represented his struggle to hide his fear of discovery as different. No one else in the group reacted to any difference in him, but the young boy sensed it, pursued him, and exposed his vulnerability to everyone else.

This dream reflected a turning point in the treatment. It vividly and concretely portrayed his origins. The realization of his utter and complete isolation finally penetrated him in a deeply personal way. He knew at that moment that there was truly no one he could have turned to for understanding and support. These experiences as a child were finally becoming organized, understood, and affectively real. As he recognized his plight, he began to feel compassion for himself. Gradually the compassion replaced the shame that had been so pervasive. Concurrently, his anger began to replace fear, the other dominant affect of his life.

Bud took a roommate into his home. This was his first shared living experience in over twenty years. It became clear in the treatment that Bud had a fantasy love life with his roommate. As he acknowledged these feeling, his shame and fear were mobilized. He anticipated and feared the therapist's critical judgment. It became apparent that his roommate did not reciprocate these feelings. Bud decided to share his struggles with his roommate, who didn't reject him, but acknowledged the limitation of the relationship. These unrequited feelings blossomed into an intense passion that interrupted Bud's typical isolated activities of watching television and video pornography. He began to socialize, partly to manage the intensely emergent pain of his unsatisfied cravings for love. For several months the therapist worked actively to interpret Bud's shame and sense of defectiveness that unconsciously aborted his initiative toward reaching out toward others. As he began to experiment sexually and socially, Bud found that he craved physical contact. His desire to touch and hold was enormous and felt overwhelming at times.

His dissociated traumas had isolated him from huge areas of his inner life, which threatened a recapitulation of helplessness and despair. He had held an aloof contempt for this childhood vulnerability. There was no tenderness for himself as a child; all yearnings for contact and tenderness had been squelched by a terrible fear of punishment and annihilation. He had longed to achieve adulthood as rapidly as possible to escape, or at least limit, his exposure to further abuse.

All these defenses were necessary for his survival as a young child, but left him cut off as an adult from his own emotional world. Consequently, emotional relationships-intimacy threatened to activate his dissociated traumas. Vulnerability, tenderness, the fear of being found out, these were the very things he had worked assiduously to avoid. The patients deep longing for an intimate loving relationship could finally be articulated now that the splits were healed.

Seven years after his treatment began the patient could acknowledge the damage he suffered at the hands of others while growing up. He could feel the reality of the terror, sadness, humiliation, and hurt, but now with compassion for himself. These feeling, as well as the specific memories associated with them, no longer activated a deep shame and sense of deficiency, which he must hide. He could show himself for who he is, imperfections and all.

This integration brought him to realize that he had abused and hurt the one person he had loved so dearly. He had subjected his boyfriend to a harsh, critical scrutiny and pushed him away. He could now tolerate the love that had threatened him then, so many years before. These moments of realization brought tender tears of pain for all the suffering and loss they had both endured. The poignancy of these recognitions was in contrast to his look of utter disbelief when I had originally suggested that his boyfriend had really loved him.

This man had begun treatment as a very detached, disconnected, self-sufficient individual whose elatedness to toners was severely impaired; his dissociations were pervasive and had rendered him a shell of a person. Over the years of treatment, as he began to finally truly experience for the first time, the pervasive traumas of his life as a proto-gay child, he became present, real, connected to himself and the therapist, in ways that had been impossible earlier.

Abridged from original with permission (Alan Blum, Ph.D. and Van Pfetzing, Ph.D.)

Dr. Pfetzing is in private practice in Hollywood, California.
Dr. Blum is in private practice in Brunswick, Main.

Please send your comments to: info@iraniangaydoctors.com

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Now been gay isn't so cool and dangerous no more.... then you have a new trend BI-Sexual.... society accepted it to... but Nope the boundary needed to be pushed again.... You have BI-CURIOUS wtf ... errmmm... its seems like the IN thing now....

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Limitations
 
By drawing popular and scientific attention to antigay hostility, the creation of these terms marked a watershed. Nevertheless, they have important limitations.
Critics have observed that homophobia is problematic for at least two reasons.
Shields & Harriman, 1984).
Second, using homophobia implies that antigay prejudice is an individual, clinical entity rather than a social phenomenon rooted in cultural ideologies and intergroup relations. Moreover, a phobia is usually experienced as dysfunctional and unpleasant. Antigay prejudice, however, is often highly functional for the heterosexuals who manifest it.
As antigay attitudes have become increasingly central to conservative political and religious ideologies since the 1980s, these limitations have become more problematic. However, heterosexism, with its historic macro-level focus on cultural ideologies rather than individual attitudes, is not a satisfactory replacement for homophobia.
 

• It is an attitude (i.e., an evaluation or judgment).
• It is directed at a social group and its members.
• It is negative, involving hostility or dislike.

[Back to text]
Herek, G. M. (2000). The psychology of sexual prejudice. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 9, 19-22. [Back to text]
Read more about the paper
Shields, S. A., & Harriman, R. E. (1984). Fear of male homosexuality: Cardiac responses of low and high homonegative males. Journal of Homosexuality, 10(1/2), 53-67. [Back to text]
 

Definitions
 

 

How widespread is sexual prejudice?
 

 

Are some groups of people more prejudiced than others?
 

 

What are the motivations for sexual prejudice?
 

 

Does coming out reduce sexual prejudice?

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