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Maat
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Posted: Saturday April 14th, 2007 14:37 |
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Greetings Parents,
When your child/ren get older and start to ask questions about your past, do you think they have a right to know or is it better to withold certain information?
Apologies I think it would be better not to assume the reason.
Last edited on Saturday April 14th, 2007 23:21 by Maat
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 06:00 |
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Maat - I don't think the finer details are necessary but at the same time I would have no problems divulging such things if they asked....even encounters with women.
I've tried to lead by example...my career, my certifications, my house and my values are all things I wanted my children to have hard physical evidence of.
Know this African militant drilling education and ambition into his kids telling them to be a doctor or a lawyer and one of them asked how comes he didn't do it then....especially when his parents used to tell him the same thing. Makes me wonder what he's take would be if they squandered their careers on weed wine and women like he did. But if truth be told, the parents of the last generation were brainwashed ready to send us as lambs to the babylon slaughterhouse...but even then I've always been proof that the excuses he uses are bullsh!t...as I've proved the majority of them wrong...he's been looking to get even for years...that's where the ex wife came in
So yes, I wouldn't sell it to my children but if asked I'd tell them...my children are my friends more than anything else...I must be able to tell them about my triumphs as well as my failures - the story of them being born in wedlock, the divorce from their superficial mother, the enemies, them being raised as greys and me being deprived of my African family will be a classic tale to tell them
Last edited on Sunday April 15th, 2007 06:01 by Incognito
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Sistren
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 09:46 |
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They have a right to know anything pertaining to them - at an age appropriate point.
They do not have a RIGHT to know all my personal bussiness, however, I've not done anything which I would be ashamed to tell my children if (when) asked.
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RLB
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 10:42 |
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Depends on a number of factors. But the main one would be is it relivant. Is it something that the child needs to know, is it something that could be used as a lesson on how not to make a mistake'
If the child wants to know how many women you have slept with then it's none of his damb bussiness, slap him around the head and send his @ss up to his room to do his homework.
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Dada
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 11:31 |
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Is it something that the child needs to know
I think that is the most relevant pont to the question.
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Vezz.
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 21:41 |
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Hell no, as it'll show them the hypocrite I am
Seriously though, I took No 1 Son to be assessed by a doctor for ADHD a few weeks ago. She was the one and only person who asked who else in the family behaved like he does. Upon quick reflection I had to whisper "me", to which she said "aaaah" .
I'm now wondering if I suffer(ed) from ADHD ?
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 21:50 |
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People too often forget that children will grow up to be adults one day themselves. Got a brotha who has a safe with x-rated pictures of his babymother which he says must be kept away from the children at all costs. Another friend has just had to fess up that at the time she did not know who the father was...this is the result of the childcoming of age and now wanting to meet her family (cousins, uncles, grandparents etc) on her dads side. Another girl asked her dad was he aware that her mother was pregnant with her at the time.
Is it something the child needs to know is irrelevant when they actually come to you and ask you about it...they'll simply see it as you lied then and you lied now. It's no wonder that in times of comfort and reassurance many children don't see their parents as their first port of call.
Know one brotha who feels no way to say upfront that in her days his mum was a sl@g
Another father told his sons there are things he has done which he is not proud of but as boys they will grow, see and learn certain things for themselves.
Another man said it is better that he is seen as the deadbeat dad rather than have to tell the children about their wotless mother...the deadbeat ting he can take on the chin
Last edited on Sunday April 15th, 2007 21:59 by Incognito
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Backatya
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 22:09 |
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Anyone here actually expects me to believe that they would tell their child anything the child asks about in regard to their (the parents) past, must think I was born yesterday. Yeah! Yeah!
These principles of flawless, never-give-it-a-second-thought honesty come easy typing at a computer screen, but in the cold light of day, when the kid does come asking about something which could have 'deep running consequences' it is another matter entirely.
Get outta of here!
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Madam Butterfly
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 22:15 |
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| from a childs perspective, there are some things about your parents you really don't want to know, and if you were to find them out you would rue the day you ever went fastin' up inna dem business(!)
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 22:29 |
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Backatya - hmm...guess there are things that make each and everyone of us individuals.....even within the children themselves....how many parents do not know their own children?
I'm kind of known for talking about everything and anything...things that most people class as secrets don't mean a thing to me....I tell it as it is. I would look forward to anticipating the questions asked by my childre...I would see this as a refelection of their own consciousness and an insight into what's going on in their minds and their lives.
In many cases, far from leading by example, it's better when you can advice which way not to go if you can say you have the experience of going that way yourself and seen it for what it is.
A rastafarian DJ raised a similar point about him advising youngsters to stay away from drugs yet as a rastafarian he openly admits to smoking weed. I'd tell my children anything they asked about, my life has been relatively unadulterated in the sense I haven't done nothing much I couldn't explain away...at worse all I'd be doing is admitting I'm human so I can't see the big deal.
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 22:36 |
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MB - as I venture out into the open world I'm beginning to appreciate more this whole world of secret and lies where nothing is worth the paper it's written on. I'll be the first to admit I'm quite green when it comes to common social things.
If this forum is anything to go by then it's little wonder there is no trust among us....we gloss over the real stuff and when it comes to answering questions of morality we run down the path of least resistance by asking what's normal and who defines it. We want to live like liberal amoral greys without having earned the right to.
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Backatya
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Posted: Monday April 16th, 2007 13:48 |
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Incognito wrote: MB - as I venture out into the open world I'm beginning to appreciate more this whole world of secret and lies where nothing is worth the paper it's written on. I'll be the first to admit I'm quite green when it comes to common social things.
@ Incognito
Why must a belief that "you do not need to tell your child everything about your past" equate with a world of 'secrets and lies'. That does not necessarily follow!
I can be totally honest with my children, which includes letting them know in no uncertain terms that a 'particular thing is none of their business' or 'not appropriate for them at this stage'.
As a parent it is my responsibility to assess, judge, determine, etc. what is best suited for my child and at what time. A responsibility carried out without the need for 'lies and secrecy' as you put it, but with a mature and sensible understanding of how things stay between a parent (adult) and a child (developing adult).
I am quite confident in my ability to balance the 'nurturing' of my children into responsible and morally aware adults, with the 'appropriate' exposure to things they need to, or should, know.......and without turning them into sly, lying, deceitful beasts.
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Backatya
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Posted: Monday April 16th, 2007 13:53 |
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Incognito wrote: Backatya - hmm...guess there are things that make each and everyone of us individuals.....even within the children themselves....how many parents do not know their own children?
I'm kind of known for talking about everything and anything...things that most people class as secrets don't mean a thing to me....I tell it as it is. I would look forward to anticipating the questions asked by my childre...I would see this as a refelection of their own consciousness and an insight into what's going on in their minds and their lives.
In many cases, far from leading by example, it's better when you can advice which way not to go if you can say you have the experience of going that way yourself and seen it for what it is.
A rastafarian DJ raised a similar point about him advising youngsters to stay away from drugs yet as a rastafarian he openly admits to smoking weed. I'd tell my children anything they asked about, my life has been relatively unadulterated in the sense I haven't done nothing much I couldn't explain away...at worse all I'd be doing is admitting I'm human so I can't see the big deal.
With respect bro, I think you are degressing here taking the debate away from its original premise of "Do children have a right to know about your past?" A question I believe cannot be answered in absolute terms anyway but with a 'It Depends.....'.
Respect
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Incognito
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Posted: Monday April 16th, 2007 15:22 |
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Backatya - if right is the operative word then I'm sure many wouldn't even want to. From a perspective of conscience there's a difference between telling and preaching...hypocrites usually preach...they'll usually have reservations about imparting knowledge of their past...a bit like this hypocrite grey boy overnight militant I used to know
..but yeah...depends on the individuals involved...as I alluded to before, in some cases you'd be more worried that a child would want to know certain things....just make sure it's something they can't find out elsewhere
Last edited on Monday April 16th, 2007 15:23 by Incognito
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Soulstarr
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Posted: Monday April 16th, 2007 15:32 |
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Backatya wrote:
With respect bro, I think you are degressing here taking the debate away from its original premise of "Do children have a right to know about your past?" A question I believe cannot be answered in absolute terms anyway but with a 'It Depends.....'.
Respect
I'm not sure about this backatya. i'm not a parent but i'm extremely close to my mother and i know everything there is to know about her be it past present and future lol. But just because I know all of those things about her doesn't mean that I had the RIGHT to know She is the parent and I am the "child" so I honestly cannot fathom how I have rights over anything about her.
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Posted: Monday April 16th, 2007 15:42 |
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Soulstarr - conceptually the child has a right to nothing.....not even knowledge of who their biological parents are.
Last edited on Monday April 16th, 2007 15:42 by Incognito
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Soulstarr
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Posted: Monday April 16th, 2007 16:05 |
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Incognito wrote: Soulstarr - conceptually the child has a right to nothing.....not even knowledge of who their biological parents are.
This is deffrent. this is information that everybody has a right to know about themselves. clearly diffrent things.
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Melissa
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Posted: Monday April 16th, 2007 17:46 |
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I am very close to both my parents and they tell me most things but I don't think I would even want to know all their business, just like i would not tell my children all of mine. The parent/child boundaries must stay in place.
Nothing to do with being a hypocrite, the 'do as i say not as I do' mantra wins everytime as a parent.
I've already told my kids some things i've gotten up to as a youngster, as kind of precautionary tales, and as they have other experiences in their lives no doubt i'll tell them more, but certain stuff is my business and will remain so!
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Maat
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Posted: Saturday April 21st, 2007 23:58 |
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Thanks for all your views on this one.
I agree with most of you about the timing being an important factor and also a need to know basis. This is not dealing with any and everything you want to fire at them but more so the points in life where you do need your parents to relate or level with you because you are going through something that's important to you at the time. I don't think that children shouldn't be told some things if they ask, for the simple reason that if they don't learn and overstand from you, who will they learn it from??
From the perspective of a child asking the questions, I can say that there will undoubtedly be things that you will learn about your parents that you may not like to hear or tell for that matter. In my experience with my own dad a lot of things were revealed that perhaps he did not want me to know. I didn't ask anything other than what I needed to know and mainly because my mum is not hear to tell me herself.As a result it seems he has now cut himself off from me and my family!
It has made me realize even more so the importance of a parent and child relationship before any such situations/conversations occur. What I mean is that because I had an open and honest relationship with my mum, I took for granted that the same could be expected of my dad but if truth be told, neither of us know each other in that way. Had he been around me more, he would have known that I would not see their choices and actions as a bad thing but more so a part of life that so many have gone through. It's funny how we can feel like we are the ONLY ones that experience certain things. We are not the first and most definitely will not the last!
There's a big difference when the child is now an adult and it must take some strength to talk with them in that way when as a parent, because they will always be your "baby".
As a mother now, I plan to make sure that my children know what they want to know because as already stated, that's the way I was raised and none of us are perfect. To create the illusion to our children that this is the case would be an injustice to them more than anything.
Thanks again everyone. This discussion is not closed so if you have any other views or considerations please do go ahead and talk it
Last edited on Sunday April 22nd, 2007 00:02 by Maat
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday April 22nd, 2007 17:01 |
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They used to say what you don't know can't hurt you....but that's just like saying go to court and simply tell the truth and you'll get a not guilty. Life is a biatch. Find yourself getting licks and not knowing why only to discover you're reaping the seeds sewn by your parents
Last edited on Sunday April 22nd, 2007 17:03 by Incognito
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Maat
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Posted: Tuesday April 24th, 2007 22:37 |
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Incognito wrote: They used to say what you don't know can't hurt you....but that's just like saying go to court and simply tell the truth and you'll get a not guilty. Life is a biatch. Find yourself getting licks and not knowing why only to discover you're reaping the seeds sewn by your parents
Yeah...but if you don't hurt you can't heal. What can you do eh Whether or not the situation stays the same now I will explain to my children what I did. At some point I'm pretty sure they will wonder why they don't see Grandad anymore.
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