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Incognito
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Posted: Monday December 11th, 2006 11:15 |
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It's well known that many of our parents were in dead end relationships but stayed together for the sake of the children. In the name of keeping the 'family', from brothas keeping women on the side to divided parents kissing and hugging each other to put on a good show for the children, where do you draw the line of faking it for them - and far from the cheating, the lying and the deciet, is it this faking-it for their sake which will be respected by the children when they grow up and learn sense for themselves.
I learned quite early on that anything I have to steal or cheat for has no real value. A woman on the side may get me involved in more conversations with the boys but would never give me a sense of gratification or achievement..if anything it magnifies how much my life or my family isn't right.
I guess I'm trying to draw a line between where faking-it and the teaching of values meet, and how that manifests itself into how being a fake actually morph's itself and gets perceived as being a value.
Me I like to believe I'm as real and true to myself as can be and will treat every situation the way I interpret it to be. If my children see things they shouldn't I like to believe when they grow up they respect what it is I tried to stand for rather than give them some fake impression of something I didn't represent.
Last edited on Monday December 11th, 2006 11:20 by Incognito
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facetygal
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Posted: Monday December 11th, 2006 19:10 |
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| Bwoy there ain't no faking it with my parents, I've seen and heard it all!
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lilthuggy
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Posted: Monday December 11th, 2006 19:49 |
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I personally couldn't fake it. Also, although people may think that they can 'put on a good show' for others, deep down inside they know that the only one they will be fooling is themselves.
I'd rather be separated with happy children, then together arguing with my partner or worse still secretly resenting my partner.
I've seen what two people being together for the sake of the children, family etc is like, and its just a total farce, hence why I couldn't do it.
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CeeCee
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Posted: Wednesday December 13th, 2006 23:24 |
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Incognito,
I think that if I had to fake my relationship, I would be sick! I cannot see myself in a relationship with a man that I have no love for whatsoever. When were talking about a family, it should not only mean by name and image, but the true feelings of them. I said that if I marry and had a family, I would like for that man to have the same marital and familal feelings as I do . Another thing about " faking it" is that children isn't as bewildered as we would like to believe. Some chidlren know trouble when they it. They can tell when their parents are having problems in the marriage. Although our governmental experts say that being in a two parent home saves the family, I think not. A troubled two parent home can have an negative affect on children,. If they see these problems with their parents, they may be more prone tho feel that it's ok and that it's healthy for their relationships.
Lilthuggy,
I ,too, would rather be a happy single parent with my children, than to be in an unhappy two parent home. The biggest myth is that we think that just because chidlren come from a single parent home that the family will be in peril. It all depends on your personal happiness/hope/love, spreading these feelings to the kiddies and train your kids to be responsible adults.
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Incognito
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Posted: Thursday December 14th, 2006 09:12 |
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CeeCee - had an african militant tell me once that as long as the children see mummy loving daddy that's all that counts. He's on Ligali forums now spewing his ting and naturally has his own idea of what values are as long as it is seen to work. I.e if a women on the side keep the family at home 'together' then it's all well and good. Makes you wonder if the woman at home is allowed a punk or two for herself.
Me if I need a woman on the side then the woman at home isn't my woman but then for all the men and women I talk to it's like I'm seen as trying to reinvent the wheel. But then I've always been quite green.
Last edited on Thursday December 14th, 2006 09:21 by Incognito
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defyfear
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Posted: Thursday December 14th, 2006 17:00 |
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What happens if your faking it, appears so real to the child, that they grow up thinking that is how relationship works.
That is marriage and relationships in general are sore and unhappy things.
And then is finally told by the parent that the faking it was solely for them.
After all Santa Claus is 'considered' fake but people believe him and still propagate this myth to neverend. Santa Claus can then be classified as a major religion too.
Then those words 'till death do us part' coming out the lips of priest would be fake too.
Leading to institutional breakdown.
Children may need to be taught something completely different about relationships if we want things like marriage to flourish.
Sharpen their beliefs for happiness found in relationships. Otherwise they are sharpen for the nearest disappointment or trained to look for it leaving them to bear it again for their own children in the future.
But if happiness cannot be found in a relationship, tell them right away, now not later, mixed messages waste time in a child's life.
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Incognito
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Posted: Friday December 15th, 2006 09:12 |
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facetgal - think so many grew up in what hypocrites would like to call dysfunctional families yet for the most part yours was probably as normal as most. Know many people who feel embarassed to talk about their family environment when at the end of the day it's just life but then I suppose soap operas do not attract such a large audience for nothing.
In earlier times many of our parents stayed together for the security of the children. My dad was resident in my house all his life but having a man to man with him he told me if my sister wasn't born first we would probably never have known him but he couldn't risk her at the hands of another man while he was with some other woman...and probably raisng someone other mans child himself.
defyfear - yeah I was one of those mugs who believed in the tooth fairy and that the wombles really existed and lived on Wimbledon Common but then that's just me. Others are less gullible. I kind of grow now thinking the quicker we get such tripe out of our childrens heads the better but then they say we are depriving them of their childhood....in who's world and by who's standard.
You ever been to poor countries and seen how advanced the children are...it's like you are speaking to adults. Go to the ghetto's of jamiaca and you all find eight year olds who know mechanics....had to grow up fast.
Guess it's a balance at the end of the day or at least the lesser of all evils. For some if faking it means they stay resident with thier children, get a roof over their heads and the children get their parents, can you blame them.
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defyfear
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Posted: Friday December 15th, 2006 20:46 |
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Incognito wrote:
You ever been to poor countries and seen how advanced the children are...it's like you are speaking to adults. Go to the ghetto's of jamiaca and you all find eight year olds who know mechanics....had to grow up fast.
Guess it's a balance at the end of the day or at least the lesser of all evils. For some if faking it means they stay resident with thier children, get a roof over their heads and the children get their parents, can you blame them.
Yes
Yes I have been abroad and see how children have to work. I grew up in America here and was part of those statistics of poverty and hunger in America.
I too had to figure out I had to work if I wanted to eat and did odd jobs here and there (mowing and raking leaves) to fill my stomach. That was during the summer months where there was no school and during vacation time. But I figured out that I can have a filled stomach some other way thanks to an interest that somehow manifested inside me. Nothing notoriously mischevous as today small but striking young people are preoccupied with but a thirst for knowledge was present and somehow made use of it.
You can say my parent at the time was 'faking' love to me but somehow I did not let that 'fake' love shape the relationships and happiness found in it.
I found out out happiness early on can be achieve in relationship actuality in the playground during recess. You may say it was my 'Adam and Eve' experience.
Since the boys made teams and were playing ball and I was sidelined I went towards some woods in the back of the school to play around in with this other boy. We started heading back there and the girls were playing by the tall trees before the woods asking us to help them build something. Reluctant at first we agreed because we were getting dirty from head to toe anyway and they were going to give us some of their snacks 
The girls wanted us to build a frame or outline for a house with rooms like living room, kitchen etc. So we did that. Next they said before we can get the snacks if we had to act like a husband. I wasnt really into that but their snacks which I had before were too tempting so I played the part. I played my part in doing what I thought a husband+brother+son would do minus the close-ups. I cared for the doll babies which were our children, burp them, etc. I build the house bigger and better. I brought pets and flowers from the woods as gifts of affections. I pretend to sip tea. But I really did it for the snacks really. This was not in one day but over time actually.
Now that I think about it, it was fun actually. Whenever the close-up happens luckily the house did not have real walls then it might have been different but I ran away actually. Save me from being teased in the classroom.
From that experience later on in my teenage to even now I always entered relationships thinking of the fun that would be in store. And it has been like that for me thanks to those early days.
I did not enter long term relationships into marriage due to moving around quite across states in my teenage life often. But there was opportunity too.
But those early days have shaped my relationship expectation at most but as I look into the world today it does not look fun especially if you had a 'bad' or 'sore' experience beforehand. It does not have to be sexual but it can be related to other forms of experience. Which many people have had. So this too shape my reason to be careful. I cant have all the fun by myself if I am in a relationship, we both have to be of some one frame of mind about relationship expectations.
But I got to define and was defined by my early childhood experience of how I thought a relationship would be. And it stuck.
I am willing to say that those same girls now women in this big world I played house with at the playground are probably in wholesome 'happy' relationships. Nothing 'fake' about it.
But I want to thank them anyhow for such rich experience plus the snacks.
Somehow for those biblical people out there I think 'Adam and Eve' were actually children not the picture of adults (man as we know or woman as we know) or parents (mother and father) we see today in that Garden of Eden. They were probably having too much fun being together until they grew up and was cast out of heaven because of a 'sore' or 'bad' experience.
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