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Saida.M
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Posted: Sunday April 16th, 2006 15:09 |
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There use to be this thing where people say you should not give your child too much attention or you'll 'spoil' him or her.
Have you ever been told that?
Sometimes we hear he/she is crying or doing something, (usually something naughty), for attention.
Is it really possible to give your child too much attention? Do you think it can 'spoil' a child?
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"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
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nadisco1
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Posted: Sunday April 16th, 2006 19:00 |
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My son was premature born at 34 weeks. I had never seen a baby that small but when I was in the special care unit after giving birth, I saw babies even more smaller than my own. I adopted a feeling that my son needed alot of protection and also my guidance (which I am sure many other parents have also). However, during his months as a baby, my son was in and out of hospital with regular respirtory problems. Fortunately, he outgrew those problems. However, he didnt walk to his cake on his 1st brithday as he didnt walk until 3 months after he turned 1. Nobody saw that my son had put on alot of weight and found it difficult to balance on his own. I was told that I carried him too much, hence the reason in his "late" development in walking. Thankfully, he wasnt a baby that cried for attention (probably coz i was always carrying him anyways, LOL)
However, as a big 5 year old, he can be scared of heights, at a park I noticed he was struggling to climb and lost hope in his capability to climb a frame. I watched him helplessly stand there looking lost as his cousins climbed like the little monkeys they are. My sister told me to leave him alone and let him play on something else. My sister said leave him to do it alone. I decided against that (Being the stubborn lil Mama I am) and told her I'm gonna help him. I walked over to my son and he gave me his familiar look of "here comes my girl". I asked him if he wanted to play on the climbing frame and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted me to give him a hand to climb on, he replied yes. All I done was stand behind him without even touching him. He climbed all the way up to the top and was even brave enough to jump down from a high height.
(Enuff of my long story) The moral of my story is, there is a fine line between spoiling the child and even disempowering them to do things themselves. However, sometimes children need encouragement in believing they are capable of doing things by themselves. I helped my son by letting him know that I believed in him that he could climb the climbing frame by himself, but I would be there if he fell.
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kamkam
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Posted: Sunday April 16th, 2006 20:11 |
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I think that it is the type of attention that you give. There is bad quality attention and good quality. If a child is misbehaving and crying it couls be because they do not enough good quality attention. Maybe they would like to sit and read a book with there parents or do something interactive a creative with there parents.
I think that there are some parents put there that just leave there children to do whatever then wonder why they misbehave, and its because there minds are not being chanllenged and they get bored and they get attention from being naughty.
Thn you get the parents that don't leave there children alone to be creative by them self and crowd the child which can have negative effects too.
I know a child that the parents dont spend too much time with so the parents buy a lot of toys the child has everything but is horrible and miserable.
So it all depends, why do you ask anyway?
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Saida.M
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Posted: Sunday April 16th, 2006 22:27 |
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Hi Kamkam
I ask because my cousins daughter is five years old. Ever since she was born, people including the parents, always said that 'she 'cries for attention'.
We were at this family gathering a little while back and I saw her wondering around crying. I went up to comfort her and told the mum; but she dissmissed it saying the same thing.
I did not know what to think because all I saw was this crying girl and I really wanted to tell the mother off. But on the other hand I know what its like for other people to virtually tell you how to raise your child because they think you're not doing it right!
Anyway it got me thinking, because sometimes I think there is no such thing as giving too much attention - we all want to feel wanted right? But what does it really mean?
How do you draw the line? Is there a way to tell if a child has been given too much? Is a 'spoilt' child really an unhappy one?
That 'miserable' child you described; that is how I saw that little girl. I genuinely feel the parents are not giving her enough attention. They both work full-time and they have always left her with other 'people' virtually all her life. I don't know how to judge this one, but I tell you one thing, (and this is a slight aside), this 'spoiltness' or 'attention seekers', I only happen to see it among the children of working parents - no lie.
@nadisco1 I think its about being there for your child. You were. That is where I think some people get confused. They sometimes think that if you 'pick up' your child too much, if you pay them mind when they are 'naughty', crying, you are 'spoiling' them. I'm glad your boy is healthier now and hope that all stays well.
What do others think?
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People readily believe lies before they believe the truth
"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Sunday April 16th, 2006 22:45 |
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| I think there is a big distinction between not setting proper bouneries of appropriate behaviours and giving your child love and attention... I believe children should be lavished with attention..you only get to be a child once..and they world is harsh enough without having to visit it on the child too early...
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kamkam
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Posted: Sunday April 16th, 2006 23:11 |
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Athaba that sounds so strange, i agree with you. If a child is attention seeking then there is a problem it needs to be sorted. It means the child is not getting something that it needs.
My son is 2 and a half when he starts to lie all over the floor rolling about, irratating his sister, putting things on my head, standing in front of the t.v etc just doing gerneral stuff to irratate the people around him its usually because he is bored. Most people get angry and should at the child and tell them there naughty.
Instead I will explain to him that it is unacceptable behaviour and find him something to do like colouring or lego. See hes attention seeking but its for a reason.
How could someone possible let there child walk around distressed. You comfort the child if so what was the childs reaction?
Children need the security of there parents. I dont think that you can give too much attention. What I have seen is parents doing the wrong things that leads to spoilt children. Like having children sleeping in a bed with them when the child id like three years old  thats where problems start. It's the wrong sort of attention. Babying children that are no longer babies. Stupid behaviour that is not about the children but about the parents.
I agree with Kunjufu about boundaries so so so important
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Saida.M
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Posted: Monday April 17th, 2006 14:11 |
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kamkam wrote: Athaba that sounds so strange, i agree with you. If a child is attention seeking then there is a problem it needs to be sorted. It means the child is not getting something that it needs.
My son is 2 and a half when he starts to lie all over the floor rolling about, irratating his sister, putting things on my head, standing in front of the t.v etc just doing gerneral stuff to irratate the people around him its usually because he is bored. Most people get angry and should at the child and tell them there naughty.
Instead I will explain to him that it is unacceptable behaviour and find him something to do like colouring or lego. See hes attention seeking but its for a reason.
How could someone possible let there child walk around distressed. You comfort the child if so what was the childs reaction?
She cried louder and she tried to explain what happened. I knew it wasn't anything too serious, but because of her crying I couldn't understand a word what she said! And where we were was in a house and because most of the people in it were family, we would had looked out for her.
Children need the security of there parents. I dont think that you can give too much attention. What I have seen is parents doing the wrong things that leads to spoilt children. Like having children sleeping in a bed with them when the child id like three years old thats where problems start. It's the wrong sort of attention. Babying children that are no longer babies. Stupid behaviour that is not about the children but about the parents.
I agree with Kunjufu about boundaries so so so important
Yes. I don't think her parents are evil. If I thought that I wouldn't waste time posting up on blaknet to find answers believe me! I think they tend to project themsleves on to her too much. Meaning if she cries for example about something they can't see the point of, then it must be because she wants attention.
I think what you did with your child would be the 'normal' reaction myself. But here's the thing, if their child did that, these parents wouldn't even yell at her. They'd totally ignore her.
The kid is always dressed nicely and is obviously being fed and I have seen the mother at least, hug the child now and then, but I get the impression it's when they want to not when the little girl wants to. I could be wrong of course because I'm not with them 24/7.
This is one of the reason why I wanted to know if there is such thing as 'too much attention'. Who decides where the boundaries are?
You see your thing about not letting a three year old sleep in the same bed, I'm not sure if there is anything wrong with that! Do you really think that is spoiling a child!!!???
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People readily believe lies before they believe the truth
"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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Saida.M
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Posted: Monday April 17th, 2006 14:19 |
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Kunjufu wrote: I think there is a big distinction between not setting proper bouneries of appropriate behaviours and giving your child love and attention... I believe children should be lavished with attention..you only get to be a child once..and they world is harsh enough without having to visit it on the child too early...
Do you think tales about picking your child is 'spoiling' them? Perhaps you may know that parents were told to leave thier babies to cry once they've been fed. I think that is cruel but some do it anyway.
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People readily believe lies before they believe the truth
"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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Soulstarr
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Posted: Monday April 17th, 2006 18:03 |
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My mother was accused many times of spoilin me when I was a baby for the types of food she used to feed me... for the fact that I was very shy and would cling to her a lot and rather than push me away, she would allow it. The way she saw it, I was her only child and she would do anything in her power to make me happy.
Like kunjufu says, the world is a harsh place and as I got older, it got harsher. Up until my teen( whcih wernt that far away) the relationship I've had with my mother has been criticised and a lot of it stems from the belief that she's always given me too much attention but the biggest joke is, the kids of those peole that were quick to judge have turned out to be a bunch of delinquents.
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kamkam
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Posted: Tuesday April 18th, 2006 07:34 |
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athaba wrote:
Do you think tales about picking your child is 'spoiling' them? Perhaps you may know that parents were told to leave thier babies to cry once they've been fed. I think that is cruel but some do it anyway.
What it is that for those three years that child has been sleeping in their parents bed and now that they try and get her out shes freaking out and feels rejected. Children need there parents but they also need to learn some independence. Like playing alone and doing certain things by themselves.
Just wanted to make something clear, Do dont think that there is anything wrong with a three year old sleeping in there parents bed at night with them?
It's the parents that set the boundaries a child couldn't possible set boundaries they just dont have the knowledge to dont that. I would mean the child running the relationship. Plus is dont matter about the time of attention it just has to be positve attention.
The whole picking a child up when there crying is because. It because children like comfort and there will be times when you need to do something and they WANT to be picked up. It not about spoiling its about the parents getting five miuntes to them self. Its not possible to pick a child up everytime they cry and want a cuddle, you would diffinatly need up with depression. Its about helping the child/baby know that they can be in the own company and that you are there.
Remember all behaviour my children is learnt. Its not the reaction of all parents to comfort there child when there in need. Otherwise it would be a perfect society with perfect parents.
If the child is playful and interactive with other children then I wouldn't worry if she is noticable distressed most of the time then there could be a problem, but remember children go through stages in there development and behaviour. My daughter is 4 and a half and for most of the time she is absoultly wonderfuk then for say a month is a right madam! Thats kids.
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Maat
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Posted: Tuesday April 18th, 2006 17:26 |
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athaba wrote: There use to be this thing where people say you should not give your child too much attention or you'll 'spoil' him or her.
Have you ever been told that?
Sometimes we hear he/she is crying or doing something, (usually something naughty), for attention.
Is it really possible to give your child too much attention? Do you think it can 'spoil' a child?
Hey athaba,
I've heard some people say it's too much attention but sometimes a child will need more attention than others. I see it as the adults' responsibility to know or try and tune into when those times are. You do get played sometimes but that's how we learn. I agree with setting boundaries and encouraging a child to gain some independence.
I'm thinking that this attention the child is getting is misdirected attention. The material bits are there but the listening and emotional attention isn't. They do not seem to have time for her either. Almost like they are more focused on looking the part. Maybe they genuinely think they don't have time for her because they are so driven by work. If she was unexpected or they themsleves have backgrounds where children were treated that way then that would explain a lot...just some thoughts though. Do you feel obligated to help?
In my experience whenever I see that a child needs attention and wonder the type of question you are asking I maintain some type of friendship with the child - even if really I would rather have a word with the parent/s and that's only if the parent is open to that level of conversation.... Mainly because I really don't like to see anyone picked on or left out. A lot of adults can seem like they don't have time but children are fun man when you just talk with them and get into their world for a while the screaming and tantrums are less. Showing appreciation of them now is so important.
Last edited on Wednesday April 19th, 2006 00:30 by Maat
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LadyDay
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Posted: Tuesday April 18th, 2006 22:43 |
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my son only craves more attention when he is not well
he hasnt been well lately and its only familiar faces he is cool with
but usually if yu occupy and variate his time he is ok
i do believe children can be spoiled by too much attention but it depends on how and what it is doled out for
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Saida.M
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Posted: Wednesday April 19th, 2006 18:59 |
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Maat wrote: athaba wrote: There use to be this thing where people say you should not give your child too much attention or you'll 'spoil' him or her.
Have you ever been told that?
Sometimes we hear he/she is crying or doing something, (usually something naughty), for attention.
Is it really possible to give your child too much attention? Do you think it can 'spoil' a child?
Hey athaba,
I've heard some people say it's too much attention but sometimes a child will need more attention than others.
And now we tread into the favourtism realm. lol. You what they say 'a mothers place is in the wrong'!
Do you feel obligated to help?
Well they're family.
In my experience whenever I see that a child needs attention and wonder the type of question you are asking I maintain some type of friendship with the child - even if really I would rather have a word with the parent/s and that's only if the parent is open to that level of conversation.... Mainly because I really don't like to see anyone picked on or left out. A lot of adults can seem like they don't have time but children are fun man when you just talk with them and get into their world for a while the screaming and tantrums are less. Showing appreciation of them now is so important.
That's right! But how do you tell parents if you think they've got it wrong?  That's hard I know!
@kamkam
Got you now - I thought you meant that it is not alright for a child of three to ever sleep with thier parents  but I meant it occasionally. But yeah you're right - not from birth or every night - that's just wrong.
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People readily believe lies before they believe the truth
"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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Maat
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Posted: Wednesday April 19th, 2006 20:11 |
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athaba wrote: how do you tell parents if you think they've got it wrong? That's hard I know!
Well I find that we sometimes will share the problems we see in our child with other parents and actually look for ways to make the situation better. When that conversation is going then your view or input isn't seen as judgement or disrespectful. E.g. I was in Tesco the other day at the section where they have those fruit salad bowls. A woman beside me asked if they were nice which to me was a strange question because it's just cut up fruit in a bowl! She then went on to say that she finds it hard to get her children to eat fruit. So I told her to try telling them that the fruits are "natural sweeties". She liked and hopefully she tried. My children love the idea.
When anyone in general is feeling defensive they won't here what you are trying to say and then you're left with a person who at that time can't be reasoned with so you leave them to it...which is why I just do what I can if I'm around the child. If the parents take long to realize then it's only the child that loses out.
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