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ethos
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Posted: Monday February 2nd, 2004 18:08 |
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If having a baby is supposed to be one of the most amazing experiences of a woman life why do I feel so glum?
My daughter is three months old, she struggles to sleep and never stops crying! I am worn out. I am breast feeding and it seems as if time is never my own. I have gained three stone because I have to grab whatever I can to eat. My husband believes that it is a woman’s duty to look after the baby during the first six months and is adamant that I just grin and bear it. I have 14 nieces and nephews and all my family seemed to have coped fine. I feel so ashamed I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone about this because I feel like a failure. My partner and I tried for five years for this baby, when god finally answered our prayers we felt blessed, But god forgive me, sometimes I hate her and I am worried that I may harm her. Please, please can someone help me.
Last edited on Monday February 2nd, 2004 18:13 by ethos
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locsgirl
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Posted: Monday February 2nd, 2004 18:38 |
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@ethos
Hi Sista. Please dont despair. This is a very common reaction that you;re experiencing, even though lots of women wont admit to it.
First of all you do need to reach out and ask for help. As its still early days your Health visitor should be the one to talk to. If not her your doctor cos you could be suffering from some degree of post-natal depression. Although you are tired you are probably also not feeling good about yourself due to the weight you have put on.
The hormonal changes that occur during and after a pregnancy are Huge. Hormones changes can often seem like you;re going insane. Women have to endure massive hormone changes at puberty, pregnancy and menopause and these changes are not to be taken lightly.
Dont be too proud to ask for help. Is there an older female member of the family who could give you a break just so you can sleep? When I had my daughter I actually experienced hallucinations due to lack of sleep. No-one can function without enough sleep, thats why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.
Also try swapping some of the high carbohydrate food you;re eating for fruit, nuts, and lots of protein.\Are you able to get out and let the baby have lots of fresh air? That usually helps them sleep. A drive in the car is even better, although I dont recommend you drive at this stage.
Dont fret about housework and stuff thats not getting done. You and your baby are top priority right now. Sleep when she sleeps, or at least lay down and try to rest.
I know this may seem a very difficult time, but it really wont last forever. The calmer you get the calmer your baby will be. She;s probably picking up your anxiety, so do try some relaxation techniques. Try burning some lavender oil indoors and when you bath her put a few drops in her bath water. Also try giving her a gentle massage after her bath. Babies respond very well to being gently stroked on a regular basis.
I know you probably feel very isolated and out of control. Try not to judge yourself too harshly cos lots of new mothers feel this way. You;re doing the best you can, and in a few months time you;ll feel like an old hand at all this.
Dont neglect yourself. Make sure you have a check up from your doctor, and find time to pamper yourself.
And if you ever do feel like totally exploding with your baby...place her in a safe place and leave the room till you;ve composed yourself. For the record I dont know any woman who hasn;t felt like throwing the baby out the window at times!!!
Good luck to you Sista. Stay strong cos its all worth it in the end 
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Saida.M
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Posted: Monday February 2nd, 2004 19:02 |
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 I think locsgirl has said it all really. Perhaps you could also try alternative herbs and medicines which could help ease you. I don't know precisely which ones to reccomend, but go to a herbalist who may be able to give you some advice.
It definately sounds as though you ned a lot more support than what you are getting right now. So seek the help. Whoever ask to help - let them do it - regardless if you feel you should cope, you would feel better for it.
I remember just putting on the hoover, made my baby stop crying! I think the idea is to try to do different things that could distract your baby as the tears are flowing, as this would give them something to focus on.
I think she is about coming to the stage where she is teething, so ask your health visitor if there is anything to help ease the pain.
All I can say is that I really feel deeply for you and I so hope that this is a phase you and your child is going through and that God willing you will get through it. Good luck!!!
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locsgirl
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Posted: Monday February 2nd, 2004 19:24 |
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@athaba
Yes Sis the hoover is a good one, it worked well for my son when he was a baby.
One day when my baby daughter was howlin like a banshee, I put some music on and danced my frustration off in front of her. She was sat in one of those little chairs that rock to and fro. All of a sudden she stopped yellin and started giggling at me...then laughing! I made the dancing a daily part of our routine and we still do it now she;s five years old.
Often we discover the right remedy almost by accident. But if it works....keep doing it!!!
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Hawaii Cat
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Posted: Monday February 2nd, 2004 19:55 |
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> ''ethos''
What ''locsgirl'' said.
Also, since it seems that you are giving indication that you are a first time mother and may have had limited contact with infants, another resource that you should consider is to connect with some of the women in your family who have raised children and ask them for practical advice and caretaking tips to help you better adjust to your baby and more effectively address her needs.
Babies are a lot of work, but you've got to be strong for her, because she's relying on you. AND DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO GET YOUR HUSBAND INVOLVED WITH HER UPBRINGING as well! He's missing a golden opportunity to bond strongly with his little girl ... not to mention he'll be effectively showing his level of genuine love & concern for you by taking her off your hands for a while and giving you a much needed 'down time' break to get yourself whole again.
Operative word, however, is patience. 
= Aloha nui loa =
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IYALLAH
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Posted: Monday February 2nd, 2004 22:53 |
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@ ethos
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. The other posters have really given some good advice.
Maybe as you are stressed and the baby is picking up the vibe, because it is normally more effective if you are dealing with them calmly, but i am sure that might feel hard to do at the moment.
A lot of my friends have been through this and it is normally in the first few months. Things get easier. Have you tried to get her into a routine? Are you sure she is always full after feeding? You said she is 3 months old, she may be ready or some baby food now.(They say the baby should be 16 weeks, but many mothers start a bit earlier if the babies are ready)
I am not questioning your husbands actions, but if he does not believe in helping out with the baby then maybe he can help out with the house or do something to relieve you. A marriage should be people working together. Have you told him how you are feeling? Maybe he assumes everything is not that serious. Try to talk to him.
Peace~
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Sage
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Posted: Monday February 2nd, 2004 23:07 |
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@ Ethos
There really isn't too much else to add because you been given some fantastic advice from our fellow posters.
You deserve a big hug Ethos because you are reaching out for help and not enough people do that.
Just remember with PPD (Post Partum Depression) as with other forms of depression there are varying degrees, some can be treated with or without medication.
PPD partly stems from women who are stressed and frustrated because often times the support system (family, spouse, church, friends, etc) is not there and the idealistic expectations of motherhood are clashing with the realities of motherhood.
However if you ever get to the point you feel you want to harm your infant that's when it's time to call the pros. Please talk to a mental health provider. There is no shame in it, people do it everyday.
I will be praying for you to get back to your old self so you can enjoy that precious gift you've been blessed with.
Bless you sis.
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Camille
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 06:25 |
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I really do feel for you, having gone through the same thing my little girl, now at 20 months she is a perfect angel!
You have received some really good advice already, but can I ask whether your GP or Health Visitor have eliminated any real medical reasons for the crying, such as colic (severe wind) Gastro Oesophagal Reflux (indigestion in infants) or even a hernia? If not I would strongly suggest you take you little one to your GP/HV to get the all clear.
I know from bitter experience that not all babies sleep when tired and instead fight sleep until they become overtired and grumpy. To avoid getting to this stage, try looking for sleep signals, the most obvious one is yawning, your baby has probably displayed others, try to act on these sleep queues as soon as they are displayed. I found that putting my baby in a darkened room helped (to block out activity around her) If she starts crying, try not to fuss or get worked up (I know it's hard) but try to remain calm - (take deep breaths) whisper soothingly to her. Avoid picking her up if at all possible as this could possibly over-stimulate her. I found in my babies case that she just wanted to be left alone. Around the three month marker a pattern starts to emerge in terms of your babies routine, try making a note of her feed and sleep times to see if a pattern is emerging, this will be helpful in getting yourself back on track.
I know a crying baby is a nightmare, but please realise that this is her only way of communicating with you. If you ever get the urge to hit or shake your baby do as Locsgirl suggested and make sure she is somewhere safe and leave the room. try to compose yourself before going back to her. Please remember you are not alone. for some great advice on coping with a crying/sleepless baby you can contact CRY-SIS, a voluntary organisation set up by mothers for mothers who find themselves in your situation, you can find them at
http://www.cry-sis.com telephone number 020 8404 5011
Please also ensure you and baby get plenty of fresh air. That will help to boost your spirits and may help baby to sleep. I invested in a sling which I found hugely benificial My daughter always slept in the sling and I would walk for miles. (good form of excercise too!)
for the sake of your sanity I really think that you should seriously consider getting hubby to help out a little, even if he could prepare you meals or do some of the housework. If he feels you should give your undivided attention to the baby then I think that he has a vital role to play in ensuring you are healthy enough to do this. Also, get help from family members, don't be ashamed to say you need help. there is nothing shameful in this. Perhaps consider expressing milk in batches and preserving it in the fridge/freezer. This will give you the opportunity to have 'mummy' times whilst someone else feeds your baby. One word of warning, be careful of teats, if you intend to breast feed for quite a while, chose teats such as 'NUK' silicone, which are specifically designed for breast fed babies, teats which are not designed for breast fed babies could confuse her and she may refuse the breast.
Around the three month marker a pattern starts to emerge in terms of your babies routine, try making a note of her feed and sleep times to see if a pattern is emerging, this will be helpful in getting yourself back on track.
Please know that it will get better. This precious baby that you and your husband have waited so long for will soon prove to you that she was worth the wait.
Best Wishes and lots of love.
Last edited on Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 06:36 by Camille
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Ijexa
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 06:43 |
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@Ethos
Hmmmmmmm...?
Some good advice given... but I think that the underlying problem may actually rest with the father... if at this stage he is refusing to help care for his own child... then this perhaps represents a major hurdle in the nurturing of the child... because a child at 3 months is sometimes easier to look after than one at nine months... and that's just on the basis that a young baby is only interested in eating... s.hitting and sleeping...
You need to deal with his stance... and if he is not supplying both yourself and the child with the support that you both need... and is content to sit back and watch you be driven to the edge... then he deserves couple big slaps...
For a man... when he has a child... the issue is not about him.. but about the welfare and health of his partner and child... and if he loves them... then he ain't gonna ramp or mess around on an issue like this...
If you cannot resolve or gain his support then personally I would pack my bags and disappear off to my mother... sister... etc... for two weeks so that the burden could be shared...
So hopefully if you don't get his support... I hope at least there'll be some kind of family network of female relatives to help assist...
Hmmmmmm...?
What I actually did when my son was born was to look after him during the evenings and at nights... don't tend to sleep much... but I managed to get enough sleep to enable me to go to work in the morning and ensured that his mother at least had a fullnights sleep...
And this pretty much continued for the first four months of his life until he finally settled into sleeping through... the crucial difference was making sure that he had plenty good food before he went to bed... and allowing him the luxury of physical contact... which all babies find soothing...
Best of luck...
Ijexa
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locsgirl
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 07:15 |
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@Ijexa
Good Good advice there. I so agree with what you wrote about Father role and its So good to hear how seriously you took your role as a Daddy! Nice One
Cos it really dont come easy for some guys and I kind of understand that in some instances.
Some women (and the other female members of her circle) shut a lot of men out from the initail stage of pregnancy. No suprise then that by the time the baby is born he can feel like a spare part.
Its different for the woman. We connect (usually) with the baby as soon as we have the positive result confirming pregnancy. It grows inside us, it kicks, we speak to our bump in whispers. The man has to wait till the birth to physically connect with his new born.
A lot of men really "act out" when a new baby arrives. Even if its subconscious he can almost regress to child like neediness and the need for attention. The fact that he is also denied a sexual relationship with his woman doesn;t help. For a woman the hormones that normally are responsible for our sexual desire, are now the same hormones that our bodies are using to produce the milk. Plus the woman is exhausted and easily driven to tears.
And the breasts that used to be for his pleasure are now being commandered 24/7.
And if he watched the birth he hates to come to terms with how gory that sacred doorway can become!
So the guys who have a healthy enough Ego to place their woman and baby;s needs above his own, and muck in and be a part of it all is to be Highly Commended for being so Together!
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silentjoy
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 07:35 |
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Ethos,
What you're experiencing is quite normal,it's not that you really hate your baby,it's just that being a new mother can me a majorly tiresome experience.I felt similarly with my first child.It get's easier with time.
Take care!
Silentjoy
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Ijexa
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 07:40 |
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@LocsGirl
***Shakes head***
I guess it was slightly different for me in that I had planned out my son's conception and birth... so for me it was something special having waited for around four years...
But I don't think most men have an idea of what it means to be pregnant and to give birth... especially for new mothers... and immediately after the birth... both individuals in their own right... mother and child... need to spend time getting acquaintted and getting to know each other...
And...
***Shrugs shoulders***
...in my mind... it's one of the sacred duties of a father is to ensure that the mother is provided with every single comfort... physical... mental and emotional... that she needs in order to provide the high level of nurturing... comfort... and attention that any newborn child needs...
But... hey... kids are fun... they teach us all both our humanity and our immortality... try scraping baby s.hit from out under your finger nails... or being urinated on before you've even finished changing them...
But it's all good... and much... much... worthwhile...
Ijexa
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Hawaii Cat
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 08:51 |
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--> ''locsgirl'' ...
Very good follow-up points! I appreciate your wisdom.
= Aloha! =
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Last edited on Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 08:52 by Hawaii Cat
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bluehoney
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 11:38 |
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dear ethos,
i did not read the post before this one...so some of these things may have already been said....
i suggest that you get some help, sounds like post partum depression...which could be very serious, if not treated...
talk to your family and tell them that you need their help, i am sure they would be happy to help you...becoming a new mother can be very overwhelming, and sometimes we as women think that we can do it all, and we feel ashamed if we find that we can't...get some help sis
your baby needs you to be at your best, and you also need for yourself to be at your best don't feel guilty, you are not alone, unless you want to be..
http://www.4woman.gov/faq/postpartum.htm
sincerely,
bluehoney
Last edited on Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 11:42 by bluehoney
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Backatya
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 20:54 |
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If evidence was needed that ‘it takes a community to raise a child’, this is an example of it. The way people on this board have come to offer helpful advice to Ethos makes me proud to be part of this community and shows the true nature of black people’s spirit. 
@ Ethos
One overriding piece of advice which is a feature of the postings here is the need for you to seek additional help (e.g. relative, friends, doctor, midwife or other support service). This is very good advice because this is something that cannot be resolved by message board alone; no matter how good the advice.
It is hard to add anything to the excellent contributions made by the wise and thoughtful sisters who have posted already. They have a better understanding than I, as a man, could ever have of the emotions you must be going through.
However, I can echo a lot of what Ijexa has said about your husband’s responsibility, though I don’t want to go condemning him without knowing anything about him. Sure, he might be just a selfish son of a B, but it could also be that he himself is scared and frightened with this new responsibility and instead of risking exposing his inadequacies as a parent in these early stages he hides behind the old ‘it’s a woman’s job’ cliché. But as I said, I do not know enough of him to assess where his failings lie or the possible causes.
What I would suggest in regard to getting him to play a more active role, is to do things that compel him to do so. For example, even something as simple as holding the baby when she is crying. You are probably the one that rushes to tend to her when that happens right? Well, aside from feeding her, which you have to do if she is still being breast fed, why not ask him to hold her for a minute while you, say, go to the bathroom or something. Ok, so you may be in the bathroom a lot longer than you anticipated but, hey, you can’t control nature right? He has no choice but to tend the baby without you on hand to ‘pass the buck’ to.
I know this might seem a rather simple, and possibly, non-serious suggestion, but it is intended as a serious point. My point is that where you can find ways (even if a little underhandedness is required) to compel/force him to ‘do’ things for the baby, it could have dual benefits. For your benefit, it takes some of the pressure off, especially when you are feeling really run down. For his benefit, it could, hopefully, get him to be more appreciative of what is involved with caring for a baby. Who knows he may gain confidence in his own ability as he does even little things for the baby. Most of all it will help him ‘bond’ better with the baby. At the moment that is probably not happening seeing as he is leaving all the parenting to you. A father who is bonding with his child will automatically feel more predisposed to doing things for, and with, that child. Even just holding that cute buddle in your arms as you rock her/him gently to sleep is a feeling of joy that is hard to beat. I know that from experience.
Of course it would be even better (if he is someone you can talk to) for you to sit and have a serious heart to heart with him. If you two are able to communicate it would be good to sit him down and let him know what you are going through and how much you need his help. Appeal to his good nature so to speak and to the love in his heart for his wife and his child.
It could be his ‘conditioning’ which has him living quite unaware of what it means to be a man, a husband and a father in such situations and with the right kind of talking his eyes may be opened to what he should be doing. Sometimes the selfishness that people show is through lack of awareness rather than lack of concern. This is just a suggestion, because as I said I don’t know enough to say what might work one way or the other. You have a better idea than me if such a course of action is worth trying. In any event doing things that compel him to play a part (even if it’s only a minor part) in caring for baby can only help you manage the situation better.
One point about the feeding! If you are breast feeding, why not express some milk and ask him to bottle feed at certain times? Then you won’t have to wake up to do it. Or course, if it comes down to it you can always say, ‘Here honey, could you feed her for a minute, I have to go to the bathroom?’ 
Finally, if you get the chance it would be nice to hear how things are going. A quick note to update and put our minds at rest. I think I speak for all when I say we are genuinely ‘concerned’ for you and baby………….and hubby too of course, for he can be saved.
We are rooting for you!
Respect
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IYALLAH
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 21:09 |
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I did want to say that to ethos, but i didn't know if her husband does not believe in helping because of religious / cultural reasons, so that would have been a bit ignorant of me to expect him to be another way.
If it is just laziness, then he ought to fix up. Marriage is a partnership and if any partner would simply observe whilst the other partner clearly needs assistance or a breather that is VERY selfish.
He wont help until the baby is six months but a six month old is still a baby, so handling ' a baby' is not the issue. Some men assume that women should know what theys are doing and it comes so naturally for them to deal with babies, but that is not the case and if you are having broken sleep all day and all night for months at a time, the effects will catch up with you.
A lot of men underestimate their role with a new born. A father is soooooo important and fatherhood does not kickstart months later!!
Peace~
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 21:21 |
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IYALLAH wrote:
..... Some men assume that women should know what theys are doing and it comes so naturally for them to deal with babies, but that is not the case and if you are having broken sleep all day and all night for months at a time, the effects will catch up with you.
A lot of men underestimate their role with a new born. A father is soooooo important and fatherhood does not kickstart months later!! (emphasis are mine)
Peace~
Couldn't agree more!
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 21:31 |
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| Yes sis don't worry your not the only one if you feel you can't take no more leave the room for a few mins see if there anyone (Friends,Family,dad) who could come and take over for an hour or so. Dont worry your not the only one babe and i will become better. Kids are blissings
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Posted: Tuesday February 3rd, 2004 23:36 |
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There is no place like home, guessed if you were in Africa/West indies, there will be more than enough family members, well wishers who are willing to baby sit or help you out.
Having siad that, lots of people have really contributed by advising and giving you some good tips. As I am inexperience on that aspect, i would suggest you take their advice. Furthermore, you Husband should really be helping out. Try and let him do something, or else if you have another one Child later, He would want to say it is your duty to take care of the Child for next 6 month just as you did the last time.
I can't wait for my time...I know I will surely be helpful not only to my wife, but also to my Child.
Peace
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IYALLAH
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Posted: Wednesday February 4th, 2004 01:00 |
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Thanks Backatya.
@ ethos
One more thing i forgot was if you find she has problems bringing up wind and she is always crying she may have a hernia or colic (not sure of spelling) which is quite common in newborns and may also effect her getting to sleep. Check her out at the doctors if all of the above apply.
If not, it could also be that she is a spoilt baby (used to being held in your arms) and everytime you put her down she cries, if that is the case then you might have to retrain her.
Peace~
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maecer
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Posted: Wednesday February 4th, 2004 02:37 |
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Sorry to hear that you are having such a terrible time, You have however, recieved some great advice, I can't really add to it. The first six months can be tough, tougher too if you feel isolated. Don't be too proud to reach out to your family and friends for the help that you so obviously need. I really think you should have a heart to heart with your husband, let him know how you are feeling in no uncertain terms. He may just feel a little daunted by the arrival of this very delicate human being, As Backatya suggested try to find ways of including him, this will perhaps help to boost his confidence and allow him to relieve some of the burden off you.
BTW have you considered a pacifier for you baby, I know some people are dead against them, but some babies are generally 'sucky' in the first six months. Perhaps using a pacifier just to get you through this stage would be helpful.
Good luck and do let us know how you are getting on.
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Spice
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Posted: Sunday February 8th, 2004 00:17 |
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Locsgirl wrote:If not her your doctor cos you could be suffering from some degree of post-natal depression
I definitely agree you have a case of Post natal depression but it will pass with the help a good couselor. Until you can get help, when those feeling arise about harming the baby you need to go in to the next room, call someone to come over or leave the baby with your husband and go for a walk. Just take a time out.
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Saida.M
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Posted: Tuesday December 19th, 2006 14:35 |
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