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Le Moor
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 05:52 |
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THIS IS A LONG, BUT ENTERTAINING READ! JANET, AMERIE, ASHANTI, BRANDY & MONICA STANS & FANS--BEWARE!
Beyonceitis is the destruction of your career by the overall power of Beyonce Knowles. Beyonceitis is a serious disease that has destroyed the careers of several artists although a few have been able to have successful careers in spite of it. Beyonceitis is also used to describe the overall domination of popular culture by Beyonce Knowles. Beyonceitis is most severe on artists who attempt to release albums around the same time as Beyonce or perform on the same award shows as Beyonce. Doing so has resulted in the embarrassment of several female artists. Some describe it as Beyonce being overexposed, or as Beyonce having a monopoly on the music game, but truthfully if you are a good enough performer you would shine regardless of who else you are in competition with. Beyonceitis is a problem that embarasses a lot of people. No one wants to admit that one person has caused so much destruction. No one wants to admit that one person has b**ch-slapped (with her ring hand) the entire music industry. If you suffer from Beyonceitis do not worry. Do not feel ashamed. Beyonce sh*ts on a lot of people. You are not alone. There is help. There is hope.
HISTORY OF BEYONCEITIS
If one looks in the history of female entertainers they've either fallen into one of two categories: 1. Singers 2. Entertainers. The thinking behind the two groups being either you were singer who couldn't dance or a dancer who couldn't sing. (You wouldn't go to a Whitney Houston concert for dance moves, and you wouldn't go to a Janet Jackson concert for singing) Then came Beyonce, an artist who could sing AND entertain. This made it difficult for the singers because they not only had to struggle to find strong enough songs to compensate for the fact that they were boring live performers, and the entertainers had to find music (or gimmicks) strong enough to compensate for the fact that they couldn't sing worth a damn. Then came Beyonce, and all hell broke loose. As founder, lead-singer, chariman, captain, CEO, and president of Destiny's Child, Beyonce had already proved that she had talent, but no one was expecting Beyonceitis to hit so fast and so hard. Beyonce snuck up behind the music industry, grabbed it by the balls and hasn't let go since. (That is also how she first met Jay-Z, but we'll discuss that on another day)
SYMPTOMS OF BEYONCEITIS
How do you know if you are infected by Beyonceitis? Here are some warning sign to look for:
-Your album sales have dropped.
-Your record label has been pushing your album back since Bush Sr. was in office.
-Your record label has dropped you.
-Your record label has tried to buy you out of your contract for $35, and a pack of Newports.
-Go to YouTube, and do a search for one of your videos, and see if Beyonce's name is randomly bought up in the discussion.
-Your fans refer to Beyonce as "Fatonce", "b**chonce", Weavyonce, or some variation with the suffix "-yonce".
FAMOUS CASES OF BEYONCEITIS
Ashanti
Before Beyonceitis crippled her, Ashanti enjoyed a brief period as "The Princess of Hip-Hop Soul", which was an easy title to achieve mainly because 1. There was no other artists to dispute her at the time. 2. Her record label gave her the title. However on June 24, 2003 at the 3rd Annual BET Awards, Ashanti contracted one of the most severe cases of Beyonceitis when producers decided to put her on after Beyonce. Ashanti tried to step to the stage to perform but Beyonce had already blown it up hours earlier with a now classic rendition of "Crazy In Love". Beyonce's performance that night also exposed every other female artist in the building to a deadly strain of Beyonceitis that some have yet to recover from. Following her exposure to Beyonceitis, Ashanti released her sophmore album Chapter II lead by the weak 1st single "Rock Wit U (Aww Baby, No Baby, Please Baby, Stop Baby, or whatever the hell that song was called.)" Although Ashanti's 1st week numbers were slightly higher than Beyonce's first week numbers Ashanti's album fell quicker than Michelle on 106 and Park.(in comparison Beyonce's album "Dangerously In Love" remained on the charts a year later.)
Ashanti released one more flop of an album, and has not yet full recovered from her bout with Beyonceitis. She is currently in the studio with damn near every big name producer alive right now, but she lacks the live performance skills and overall vocal ability to fully be cured of Beyonceitis.
Amerie
Following the release of her well-polished and well-produced 1st album, Amerie seemed on track to be...something, although we are not sure what. After she caught Beyonceitis, it became more obvious that Amerie was little more than a mediocre voice, good hair, and nice legs meant to help sell a hot beatmaker (The Vanity to Rich Harrison's Prince). Her 2nd album was lead by the single "One Thing" and that "one thing" was the only thing the general public cared about from that album. The album sank quicky without a strong follow-up single. Ironically Amerie opened for Beyonce and 'nem's 2005 summer tour where her vocals reportedly scared the crowd and caused several small children to cry. Amerie is currently finishing up another assault on our eardrums slated for release this summer.
Brandy and Monica
Although Brandy and Monica duked it out on "The Boy Is Mine" over the title of hottest chick in the game, Beyonce exploded on the scene and Three Stooges-slapped both of them. Although Monica was regarded as one of the best vocalists of her generation, and that raspy thing that Brandy did was kinda cute from 1995 to mid-1998, the average person would not pay $100 to see either of them in concert, and when you are known JUST for singing and not for having any kind of stage presence it is important that all of your albums are on point and properly promoted with STRONG singles. Unfortunately for these two, Beyonceitis has sidetracked both of their careers. While Beyonce was at the top of the charts Brandy's album Afrodisiac, although slightly acclaimed, flopped. She later became a judge on one of those American Idol-ish shows that I never watched and on December 30, 2006 she proved that sometimes Beyonceitis makes your foot heavy.
After releasing a warm turd of an album in 2006 Monica kept her name in the spotlight by sending Sears Portraits of her 1-year-old to blogs. Ain't he precious?
Christina Aguilera
Although Christina has one of the, um, loudest voices in music, she has not be able to fight the effect of Beyonceitis on her career. Christina caught a bad case of Beyonceitis on August 28, 2003 at the MTV Video Music Awards. Even after kissing Madonna Beyonce still won all the attention with yet another show-stopping performance. Adding insult to injury Christina won no awards that night (while Beyonce won 3) MTV's cameras didn't show her kiss with Madonna, and Beyonce won the crowd over her raw live performance (instead of a girl-on-girl kiss). Out of jealousy Christina critiziced Beyonce in Blender magazine, and months later Christina suffered a relapse of Beyonceitis when her performance at the Grammys went virtually ignored while Beyonce became the first artist to perform on the Grammys twice in one night. Then took home 5 awards, solidifying herself as the queen of the music industry. Overall, despite the fact the Christina has gone out of her way to be cutting-edge and provocative, Beyonceitis has caused the general public to ignore much of what Christina does. Her latest album "Back to Basics" did the electric slide down the charts in the U.S. while Beyonce's "B-Day" remained in the Top 10 for months. Her marriage to Joe Whatchamacallit (I honestly don't know his name)was ignored by the press, however everytime Beyonce and Jay make a trip to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles it makes the front page of the newspaper.
Janet Jackson, Beyonce, and the Super Bowl
In the fall of 2003 producers for the Super Bowl halftime show contacted Beyonce to be a part of the halftime show. Beyonce decided that since she had already clapped her asscheeks on MTV and BET, it was now time to be classy, and show people that she could sing, so she decided to sing the National Anthem. Producers then offered the halftime show to Janet Jackson. Midway through rehearsing the halftime show it occurred to Janet that this would be the most important performace of her career and she would need to do something memorable similar to what Beyonce had did on the MTV and BET awards. Since Janet couldn't sing live to save her life she knew her vocals would not be the highlight, and since she was doing the same dance steps she had been doing for the past 16 years she knew that even her trademark dancing would not save her performance. She needed a quick, cheap gimmick to grab people's attention. She decied to bare her breast. Of course the plan backfired, and Beyonceitis struck Janet -- right in the titty. Janet's first post-Beyonceitis album, "Damita Jo" was suspiciously more urban than her previous one, and it flopped.
Two years later she made another album which was promoted as her big comeback album and return to her dance roots. Her man-troll of a boyfriend Jermaine Dupri stated "I don't know where Beyonce will be in 20 years." Although no one knows for sure where Beyonce will end up in 20 years, his girlfriend's album fell off the charts in less than 20 days. With 2 back-to-back flops, Janet has but one strike left before she's officially irrelevant. With age and severe vocal limitations as major obstacles, Janet will never be able to return to heyday as the multimedia "it" girl, but she still has a very loyal legion of fans that will pay top-dollar to watch her lip-synch songs from 20 years ago, so touring seems to her best option (Tina Turner and Cher sold out arenas and stadiums well into their 50's and 60's)
MYTHS ABOUT BEYONCEITIS
There are several myths about Beyonceitis. This section of the article will discuss several rmyths and why they are not true.
Myth #1 - Beyonce wears wigs.
Fact: Although Beyonce has more wigs than she does clean panties, saying Beyonce wears wigs has little power because Black female entertainers have been wearing wigs since Tina was rolling on the river with Ike.
Myth #2 Beyonce Doesn't Dance, All She Does is Shake Her Ass
Fact: Beyonce jiggles her asscheeks better than Diamond did in the Player's Club, but we should move out of our thinking about what constitutes a "good dancer". Not all dancing involves being stiff and robotic. The dancing from Africa hundreds of years ago emphasized the hips, and the bottom, it wasn't stiff. Does that mean that isn't good dancing? Dancing came be stiff and synchronized, it can also be fluid and expressive and from the heart.
Myth #3 Beyonce is Overexposed. She should Sit Down and Give (insert name of your favorite artist) a chance to shine.
Fact: This is admitting that your artist can't succeed unless Beyonce is gone. This is like going back 15 years ago and telling Michael Jordan to sit out a season so that other teams could win. It is also believed that once Beyonce takes a break that Beyonceitis will be cured, however Beyonce has f**ked up the industry so much, that artists will always be compared to her, and her name will always be bought up in topics, even ones that don't have anything to do with her.
Myth #4 - Beyonce Wouldn't Be Successful if She Weren't Light-Skinned with Long/Blond Hair'''
Fact: Only fat, ugly, bald-headed dark-skinned people say this.
Myth #5-Beyonce is Hot Right Now But She'll Never Be An Icon Like (insert name of artist who was hot 15-20 years ago but can't give their albums away today)
Fact: Even if Beyonce never sells another record, even if she quits the industry and decides she wants to spend the remainder of days sexing up Jay and having about 5 or 6 of his big-headed children, even if she never does another thing ever, Beyonce has cemented her status an icon because years from it will be her music that will be the soundtrack to this time and era. People will study her music, her videos, her fashion, her entire persona and she will represent this time because she encompasses all that was great in every iconic female entertainer before her. She is the bridge that connects their era to our era, so because of that Beyonce IS an icon. And please remember, just because you were the first doesn't mean you were the best.
Myth #6-Beyonce Uses Her Body To Sell Music.
Fact: So What? Women have been slinging p***y to sell music years before Beyonce was even a sperm cell in Matthew's scrotum. Beyonce has a great body and she shows it off. What seperates Beyonce from the rest of the artists is that Beyonce is just as compelling covered up as she is wearing skimpy clothes. She can dry hump the stage on MTV then put on a more conservative/tasteful outfit to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. You take away the skimpy clothes and you still have a great voice and a great live performer. She proves that you can be sexy without letting the sex oversaturate your music.
ARTISTS WHO HAVE SURVIVED BEYONCEITIS
Several artists have managed to survive despite the spread of Beyonceitis. This section will highlight a few.
Ciara
Since Aaliyah has died and Janet Jackson is one album flop away from taking Paula Abdul's chair on American Idol, there is a void for an artist with limited vocal ability, intricate dance moves, and innovative videos. Ciara is quickly filling that spot. Although her first album was a hit, Ciara is just now realizing how powerful music videos can be to artists who can't really sing, but can pop, lock, and drop it. Although they were not smashes on the singles charts the videos for her latest singles "Promise" and "Like a Boy" were arguably two of the most inventive videos in recent memory. Although Ciara lacks Beyonce's vocal range, and will probably never be able to shake the rumors that she was born with a nutsack, she should be able to control the effect of Beyonceitis on her career as long as she keeps dancing and keeps her breasts in her training bra.
Mary J. Blige
Mary's first album after Beyonceitis was "Love and Life" her happiest album to date. Someone also told Mary that it was good idea to dance in her video although she has a limited amount of rhythm. The album yielded no hits and quickly fell off the charts mainly because no one wants to party with Mary J. Blige. They would rather her sing her trademark "I-love-him-he-don't-love-me-I'm-so-tired-of crying" songs. When she returned to the formula that made her famous she had what many considered the best year of her 14-year career. She had her longest running #1 "Be Without You" and won her first televised Grammy.
Mariah Carey
Mariah's first album after Beyonceitis overtook the industry was the best-selling album of the year, and heralded as her great comeback to the top of the charts. Despite a few sh*tty live performances, Mariah seemed unfazed by Beyonceitis and like Mary J. Blige. Mariah realized sometimes it's best to stick with what made you famous, however, video of her attempting to dance at one of her concerts leaked on YouTube. And Jesus wept.
TREATMENTS OF BEYONCEITIS
There currently is no cure for Beyonceitis other than to actually have some kind of musical talent, and now that producers have totally taken over the music industry there is little need for artists that can sing or have any kind of showmanship. Record companies are not looking for singers or entertainers anymore. They just need cute faces to put on album covers. And now, they don't even really need cute faces anymore. Since producers have become so prolific even people with little to no musical ability at all can have hit songs and catchy albums (see: Cassie, Amerie, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears). The main reason is that if you have a great singer on the track that will take all the attention away from the hot beat. There will more than likely be no artist to match the impact Beyonce has had on music and popular culture. You would have to have her talent, her work ethic, her vocal ability, her live performance skills, her sex appeal, and, most importantly, her wig collection.
Artists have three options in fighting Beyonce.
1. Release an album the same time she does and take an embarrassing ass-whooping.
2. Wait until she goes away to release their albums.
3. Actually be musically compelling enough to stay on the charts and stay relevant.
Does this mean that you have dance and shake your ass to be a great live performer? No. There are plenty of singers who are electrifying with just their a microphone and a hot band (SEE: Jill Scott, Erykah Badu) Does screaming at the top of your lungs make you a great singer? No. There are plenty of great singer with more subtle but powerful voices (SEE: Sade, Corrine Bailey Rae), but if you can't sing without the help of Autotune or pre-recorded vocals then there is a problem. Singing and dancing at the same time is difficult, but if you can't even sing live while sitting down, then there's a problem.
The most powerful way to fight Beyonceitis is when Beyonce learns the meaning of the words "sit down". Beyonce has been a fast-moving ball of weave and destruction since 2003. After she wraps her 2007 tour this fall Beyonce plans to take time off before pursuing her next film and music projects. Several far less talented acts have decided to use this time to release their albums so expect new music from a number of second rate talent all hoping to get some attention while Beyonce is in hibernation.
OTHER INFORMATION
Please keep checking this site as we track the epidemic that is Beyonceitis and attempt to study and investigate how Beyonceitis has become so widespread. If you or someone you love suffers from Beyonceitis, or you would just like further information, please join our online Beyonceitis Support Group.
 
In the diagram above you can see how Beyonce's brain is different from ours. A normal person is born with a part of the brain which tells their body to sit down. When someone says "sit down" it sends a signal to the brain which sends a signal to your legs and then you walk to a chair, then it sends signal to your ass and then you sit down. Beyonce was born without a "Sit Down" part to her brain. Whenever someone tells Beyonce to sit down it sends a signal to her legs and tells them to walk to a studio to record an album, then it sends another signal which tells the legs to walk to another studio and shoot videos for every song on that album, then it sends another signal telling the legs to walk to another studio and shoot a movie, then it sends another signal and tells the legs to re-record the album in Spanish, Japanese, and German.
**This site is not affiliated with or endorsed by Beyonce, Matthew Knowles, Tina Knowles, Solange Knowles, Daniel "Lil Creole Pimp" Smith Jr., Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams, Farrah, LeToya, LaTavia, LaVita, Lasheeka, LaRhonda, Labia, Sony Music, Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky, nor Mike. All information is property of Beyonceitis.com aside from the sh*t we stole.**
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 11:05 |
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This is so crazy but also so true...
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 11:52 |
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I sighed when I saw the title and thought "Damn, not more Beyonce". But I must say, that gave me pure laugh (anyone walking past my office must be thinking I have lost my mind).
A good laugh for the start of the week. 
Respect
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 12:30 |
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Le Moor wrote: THIS IS A LONG, BUT ENTERTAINING READ! JANET, AMERIE, ASHANTI, BRANDY & MONICA STANS & FANS--BEWARE!
Beyonceitis is the destruction of your career by the overall power of Beyonce Knowles. Beyonceitis is a serious disease that has destroyed the careers of several artists although a few have been able to have successful careers in spite of it. Beyonceitis is also used to describe the overall domination of popular culture by Beyonce Knowles. Beyonceitis is most severe on artists who attempt to release albums around the same time as Beyonce or perform on the same award shows as Beyonce. Doing so has resulted in the embarrassment of several female artists. Some describe it as Beyonce being overexposed, or as Beyonce having a monopoly on the music game, but truthfully if you are a good enough performer you would shine regardless of who else you are in competition with. Beyonceitis is a problem that embarasses a lot of people. No one wants to admit that one person has caused so much destruction. No one wants to admit that one person has b**ch-slapped (with her ring hand) the entire music industry. If you suffer from Beyonceitis do not worry. Do not feel ashamed. Beyonce sh*ts on a lot of people. You are not alone. There is help. There is hope.
HISTORY OF BEYONCEITIS
If one looks in the history of female entertainers they've either fallen into one of two categories: 1. Singers 2. Entertainers. The thinking behind the two groups being either you were singer who couldn't dance or a dancer who couldn't sing. (You wouldn't go to a Whitney Houston concert for dance moves, and you wouldn't go to a Janet Jackson concert for singing) Then came Beyonce, an artist who could sing AND entertain. This made it difficult for the singers because they not only had to struggle to find strong enough songs to compensate for the fact that they were boring live performers, and the entertainers had to find music (or gimmicks) strong enough to compensate for the fact that they couldn't sing worth a damn. Then came Beyonce, and all hell broke loose. As founder, lead-singer, chariman, captain, CEO, and president of Destiny's Child, Beyonce had already proved that she had talent, but no one was expecting Beyonceitis to hit so fast and so hard. Beyonce snuck up behind the music industry, grabbed it by the balls and hasn't let go since. (That is also how she first met Jay-Z, but we'll discuss that on another day)
SYMPTOMS OF BEYONCEITIS
How do you know if you are infected by Beyonceitis? Here are some warning sign to look for:
-Your album sales have dropped.
-Your record label has been pushing your album back since Bush Sr. was in office.
-Your record label has dropped you.
-Your record label has tried to buy you out of your contract for $35, and a pack of Newports.
-Go to YouTube, and do a search for one of your videos, and see if Beyonce's name is randomly bought up in the discussion.
-Your fans refer to Beyonce as "Fatonce", "b**chonce", Weavyonce, or some variation with the suffix "-yonce".
FAMOUS CASES OF BEYONCEITIS
Ashanti
Before Beyonceitis crippled her, Ashanti enjoyed a brief period as "The Princess of Hip-Hop Soul", which was an easy title to achieve mainly because 1. There was no other artists to dispute her at the time. 2. Her record label gave her the title. However on June 24, 2003 at the 3rd Annual BET Awards, Ashanti contracted one of the most severe cases of Beyonceitis when producers decided to put her on after Beyonce. Ashanti tried to step to the stage to perform but Beyonce had already blown it up hours earlier with a now classic rendition of "Crazy In Love". Beyonce's performance that night also exposed every other female artist in the building to a deadly strain of Beyonceitis that some have yet to recover from. Following her exposure to Beyonceitis, Ashanti released her sophmore album Chapter II lead by the weak 1st single "Rock Wit U (Aww Baby, No Baby, Please Baby, Stop Baby, or whatever the hell that song was called.)" Although Ashanti's 1st week numbers were slightly higher than Beyonce's first week numbers Ashanti's album fell quicker than Michelle on 106 and Park.(in comparison Beyonce's album "Dangerously In Love" remained on the charts a year later.)
Ashanti released one more flop of an album, and has not yet full recovered from her bout with Beyonceitis. She is currently in the studio with damn near every big name producer alive right now, but she lacks the live performance skills and overall vocal ability to fully be cured of Beyonceitis.
Amerie
Following the release of her well-polished and well-produced 1st album, Amerie seemed on track to be...something, although we are not sure what. After she caught Beyonceitis, it became more obvious that Amerie was little more than a mediocre voice, good hair, and nice legs meant to help sell a hot beatmaker (The Vanity to Rich Harrison's Prince). Her 2nd album was lead by the single "One Thing" and that "one thing" was the only thing the general public cared about from that album. The album sank quicky without a strong follow-up single. Ironically Amerie opened for Beyonce and 'nem's 2005 summer tour where her vocals reportedly scared the crowd and caused several small children to cry. Amerie is currently finishing up another assault on our eardrums slated for release this summer.
This chick is very pretty I mean very pretty no weave going on here but damn she's nothing special not cussing but no
Brandy and Monica
Although Brandy and Monica duked it out on "The Boy Is Mine" over the title of hottest chick in the game, Beyonce exploded on the scene and Three Stooges-slapped both of them. Although Monica was regarded as one of the best vocalists of her generation, and that raspy thing that Brandy did was kinda cute from 1995 to mid-1998, the average person would not pay $100 to see either of them in concert, and when you are known JUST for singing and not for having any kind of stage presence it is important that all of your albums are on point and properly promoted with STRONG singles. Unfortunately for these two, Beyonceitis has sidetracked both of their careers. While Beyonce was at the top of the charts Brandy's album Afrodisiac, although slightly acclaimed, flopped. She later became a judge on one of those American Idol-ish shows that I never watched and on December 30, 2006 she proved that sometimes Beyonceitis makes your foot heavy.
After releasing a warm turd of an album in 2006 Monica kept her name in the spotlight by sending Sears Portraits of her 1-year-old to blogs. Ain't he precious?
Christina Aguilera
Although Christina has one of the, um, loudest voices in music, she has not be able to fight the effect of Beyonceitis on her career. Christina caught a bad case of Beyonceitis on August 28, 2003 at the MTV Video Music Awards. Even after kissing Madonna Beyonce still won all the attention with yet another show-stopping performance. Adding insult to injury Christina won no awards that night (while Beyonce won 3) MTV's cameras didn't show her kiss with Madonna, and Beyonce won the crowd over her raw live performance (instead of a girl-on-girl kiss). Out of jealousy Christina critiziced Beyonce in Blender magazine, and months later Christina suffered a relapse of Beyonceitis when her performance at the Grammys went virtually ignored while Beyonce became the first artist to perform on the Grammys twice in one night. Then took home 5 awards, solidifying herself as the queen of the music industry. Overall, despite the fact the Christina has gone out of her way to be cutting-edge and provocative, Beyonceitis has caused the general public to ignore much of what Christina does. Her latest album "Back to Basics" did the electric slide down the charts in the U.S. while Beyonce's "B-Day" remained in the Top 10 for months. Her marriage to Joe Whatchamacallit (I honestly don't know his name)was ignored by the press, however everytime Beyonce and Jay make a trip to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles it makes the front page of the newspaper. Leave Christina alone
Janet Jackson, Beyonce, and the Super Bowl
In the fall of 2003 producers for the Super Bowl halftime show contacted Beyonce to be a part of the halftime show. Beyonce decided that since she had already clapped her asscheeks on MTV and BET, it was now time to be classy, and show people that she could sing, so she decided to sing the National Anthem. Producers then offered the halftime show to Janet Jackson. Midway through rehearsing the halftime show it occurred to Janet that this would be the most important performace of her career and she would need to do something memorable similar to what Beyonce had did on the MTV and BET awards. Since Janet couldn't sing live to save her life she knew her vocals would not be the highlight, and since she was doing the same dance steps she had been doing for the past 16 years she knew that even her trademark dancing would not save her performance. She needed a quick, cheap gimmick to grab people's attention. She decied to bare her breast. Of course the plan backfired, and Beyonceitis struck Janet -- right in the titty. Janet's first post-Beyonceitis album, "Damita Jo" was suspiciously more urban than her previous one, and it flopped.
Two years later she made another album which was promoted as her big comeback album and return to her dance roots. Her man-troll of a boyfriend Jermaine Dupri stated "I don't know where Beyonce will be in 20 years." Although no one knows for sure where Beyonce will end up in 20 years, his girlfriend's album fell off the charts in less than 20 days. With 2 back-to-back flops, Janet has but one strike left before she's officially irrelevant. With age and severe vocal limitations as major obstacles, Janet will never be able to return to heyday as the multimedia "it" girl, but she still has a very loyal legion of fans that will pay top-dollar to watch her lip-synch songs from 20 years ago, so touring seems to her best option (Tina Turner and Cher sold out arenas and stadiums well into their 50's and 60's) Damn you are harsh
MYTHS ABOUT BEYONCEITIS
There are several myths about Beyonceitis. This section of the article will discuss several rmyths and why they are not true.
Myth #1 - Beyonce wears wigs.
Fact: Although Beyonce has more wigs than she does clean panties, saying Beyonce wears wigs has little power because Black female entertainers have been wearing wigs since Tina was rolling on the river with Ike.
Myth #2 Beyonce Doesn't Dance, All She Does is Shake Her Ass
Fact: Beyonce jiggles her asscheeks better than Diamond did in the Player's Club, but we should move out of our thinking about what constitutes a "good dancer". Not all dancing involves being stiff and robotic. The dancing from Africa hundreds of years ago emphasized the hips, and the bottom, it wasn't stiff. Does that mean that isn't good dancing? Dancing came be stiff and synchronized, it can also be fluid and expressive and from the heart.
Myth #3 Beyonce is Overexposed. She should Sit Down and Give (insert name of your favorite artist) a chance to shine.
Fact: This is admitting that your artist can't succeed unless Beyonce is gone. This is like going back 15 years ago and telling Michael Jordan to sit out a season so that other teams could win. It is also believed that once Beyonce takes a break that Beyonceitis will be cured, however Beyonce has f**ked up the industry so much, that artists will always be compared to her, and her name will always be bought up in topics, even ones that don't have anything to do with her.
Myth #4 - Beyonce Wouldn't Be Successful if She Weren't Light-Skinned with Long/Blond Hair'''
Fact: Only fat, ugly, bald-headed dark-skinned people say this. oh no you did'nt
Myth #5-Beyonce is Hot Right Now But She'll Never Be An Icon Like (insert name of artist who was hot 15-20 years ago but can't give their albums away today)
Fact: Even if Beyonce never sells another record, even if she quits the industry and decides she wants to spend the remainder of days sexing up Jay and having about 5 or 6 of his big-headed children, even if she never does another thing ever, Beyonce has cemented her status an icon because years from it will be her music that will be the soundtrack to this time and era. People will study her music, her videos, her fashion, her entire persona and she will represent this time because she encompasses all that was great in every iconic female entertainer before her. She is the bridge that connects their era to our era, so because of that Beyonce IS an icon. And please remember, just because you were the first doesn't mean you were the best.
Myth #6-Beyonce Uses Her Body To Sell Music.
Fact: So What? Women have been slinging p***y to sell music years before Beyonce was even a sperm cell in Matthew's scrotum. Beyonce has a great body and she shows it off. What seperates Beyonce from the rest of the artists is that Beyonce is just as compelling covered up as she is wearing skimpy clothes. She can dry hump the stage on MTV then put on a more conservative/tasteful outfit to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. You take away the skimpy clothes and you still have a great voice and a great live performer. She proves that you can be sexy without letting the sex oversaturate your music.
ARTISTS WHO HAVE SURVIVED BEYONCEITIS
Several artists have managed to survive despite the spread of Beyonceitis. This section will highlight a few.
Ciara
Since Aaliyah has died and Janet Jackson is one album flop away from taking Paula Abdul's chair on American Idol, there is a void for an artist with limited vocal ability, intricate dance moves, and innovative videos. Ciara is quickly filling that spot. Although her first album was a hit, Ciara is just now realizing how powerful music videos can be to artists who can't really sing, but can pop, lock, and drop it. Although they were not smashes on the singles charts the videos for her latest singles "Promise" and "Like a Boy" were arguably two of the most inventive videos in recent memory. Although Ciara lacks Beyonce's vocal range, and will probably never be able to shake the rumors that she was born with a nutsack, she should be able to control the effect of Beyonceitis on her career as long as she keeps dancing and keeps her breasts in her training bra.
LOL Man you are just TOO EVIL, does explain why she cannot hit a high note, MAN she ain't never gonna sing a ballad, without a heavy bass line.
Mary J. Blige
Mary's first album after Beyonceitis was "Love and Life" her happiest album to date. Someone also told Mary that it was good idea to dance in her video although she has a limited amount of rhythm. The album yielded no hits and quickly fell off the charts mainly because no one wants to party with Mary J. Blige. They would rather her sing her trademark "I-love-him-he-don't-love-me-I'm-so-tired-of crying" songs. When she returned to the formula that made her famous she had what many considered the best year of her 14-year career. She had her longest running #1 "Be Without You" and won her first televised Grammy.
Mariah Carey
Mariah's first album after Beyonceitis overtook the industry was the best-selling album of the year, and heralded as her great comeback to the top of the charts. Despite a few sh*tty live performances, Mariah seemed unfazed by Beyonceitis and like Mary J. Blige. Mariah realized sometimes it's best to stick with what made you famous, however, video of her attempting to dance at one of her concerts leaked on YouTube. And Jesus wept.
Beyonce will never have anything on The Queen Mary J Blige OR Mariah Carey
TREATMENTS OF BEYONCEITIS
There currently is no cure for Beyonceitis other than to actually have some kind of musical talent, and now that producers have totally taken over the music industry there is little need for artists that can sing or have any kind of showmanship. Record companies are not looking for singers or entertainers anymore. They just need cute faces to put on album covers. And now, they don't even really need cute faces anymore. Since producers have become so prolific even people with little to no musical ability at all can have hit songs and catchy albums (see: Cassie, Amerie, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears). The main reason is that if you have a great singer on the track that will take all the attention away from the hot beat. There will more than likely be no artist to match the impact Beyonce has had on music and popular culture. You would have to have her talent, her work ethic, her vocal ability, her live performance skills, her sex appeal, and, most importantly, her wig collection.
Artists have three options in fighting Beyonce.
1. Release an album the same time she does and take an embarrassing ass-whooping.
2. Wait until she goes away to release their albums.
3. Actually be musically compelling enough to stay on the charts and stay relevant.
Does this mean that you have dance and shake your ass to be a great live performer? No. There are plenty of singers who are electrifying with just their a microphone and a hot band (SEE: Jill Scott, Erykah Badu) Does screaming at the top of your lungs make you a great singer? No. There are plenty of great singer with more subtle but powerful voices (SEE: Sade, Corrine Bailey Rae), but if you can't sing without the help of Autotune or pre-recorded vocals then there is a problem. Singing and dancing at the same time is difficult, but if you can't even sing live while sitting down, then there's a problem.
The most powerful way to fight Beyonceitis is when Beyonce learns the meaning of the words "sit down". Beyonce has been a fast-moving ball of weave and destruction since 2003. After she wraps her 2007 tour this fall Beyonce plans to take time off before pursuing her next film and music projects. Several far less talented acts have decided to use this time to release their albums so expect new music from a number of second rate talent all hoping to get some attention while Beyonce is in hibernation.
LOL MAN YOU NEED TO STOP YOU ARE KILLING ME
OTHER INFORMATION
Please keep checking this site as we track the epidemic that is Beyonceitis and attempt to study and investigate how Beyonceitis has become so widespread. If you or someone you love suffers from Beyonceitis, or you would just like further information, please join our online Beyonceitis Support Group.
In the diagram above you can see how Beyonce's brain is different from ours. A normal person is born with a part of the brain which tells their body to sit down. When someone says "sit down" it sends a signal to the brain which sends a signal to your legs and then you walk to a chair, then it sends signal to your ass and then you sit down. Beyonce was born without a "Sit Down" part to her brain. Whenever someone tells Beyonce to sit down it sends a signal to her legs and tells them to walk to a studio to record an album, then it sends another signal which tells the legs to walk to another studio and shoot videos for every song on that album, then it sends another signal telling the legs to walk to another studio and shoot a movie, then it sends another signal and tells the legs to re-record the album in Spanish, Japanese, and German.
**This site is not affiliated with or endorsed by Beyonce, Matthew Knowles, Tina Knowles, Solange Knowles, Daniel "Lil Creole Pimp" Smith Jr., Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams, Farrah, LeToya, LaTavia, LaVita, Lasheeka, LaRhonda, Labia, Sony Music, Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky, nor Mike. All information is property of Beyonceitis.com aside from the sh*t we stole.**
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The Watcher
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 18:50 |
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| It's a case of the chasing pack being that bad as much as beyonce being that good. Her image annoys people but damn she's the top entertainer of the day, that's for damn surel. If anybody is coming to knock her off her perch or replace her... I can't see them yet.
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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 21:01 |
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| This is soo true. She really has the music game on lock-down. You really try to dislike her but you cant she pulls you in!! You watch her music videos to see how she gonna style herself the dance moves etc. Damn you Beyonce, I love to hate her but I really dont! I think she's heavy. That to me is Beyonceitis, nuff people wanna hate on her but they cant cos they know she's too heavy!lol and cant deny her talent and what she has achieved. Beyonce I salute you. She defiently will be talked about when looking back at music and popular culture of this era.
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Afriki
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 22:24 |
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Although Ciara lacks Beyonce's vocal range, and will probably never be able to shake the rumors that she was born with a nutsack,
A normal person is born with a part of the brain which tells their body to sit down. When someone says "sit down" it sends a signal to the brain which sends a signal to your legs and then you walk to a chair, then it sends signal to your ass and then you sit down.
LOL
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tweet
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Posted: Tuesday June 5th, 2007 01:37 |
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lol funny
although this has nothing to do with the topic at hand but i sure do miss aaliyah, definetly would be doing great things had she still been living
peace
Last edited on Tuesday June 5th, 2007 05:17 by tweet
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safetyblitz
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Posted: Tuesday June 5th, 2007 13:48 |
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So does this mean that Kelly is also a victim of BEYONCEITIS? I mean she was beside her for the longest and had I mean has a single solo career, with a shelved album....... Errrrrr uh Et tu Kelly?
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