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Posted: Monday September 5th, 2005 22:44 |
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The Acceptable Sin....!?
By
One Writer
The north bound freight train slowed into the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Freight Yard. Jacob tossed his bed roll and back pack onto a peaking white bed of snow, jumped and tumbled for a few feet. After crossing the yard he climbed the freeway guard rail secured himself a safe position on the highway about sixty feet from the on ramp and waited. White letters on the frosted green freeway sign barely peeked through the flowing icicles, Downtown Pittsburgh 2 1/2 miles.
Cold air became bitter and Jacob quickly found his duct taped boots covered in a foot of snow. The wake from each passing car and big rig tossed dark brown slush on his already frozen jeans.
The young boy fought sleep unaware hyperthermia had begun its slow comforting grasp. Then nature sent him a pardon, a temporary reprieve from its grasp.
The hotel room was nearly quiet, except the soft whistle from a bouncing cap on the brass steam radiator. Faded blue flower print wallpaper had seen too many hot summers, whose ray's reflected through a murky gray weather beaten window.
As the door to the room shut, a cock roach scurries across a dirty mirror which rattled from the walls vibration. The thin walls so fiercely shook a small corner of the mirror chipped. It made a dull clinging sound as it hit the worn splintered surface of a dresser that wobbled uncertainly on uneven legs.
Jacob quickly stripped and lay prostrate with his chin resting on the cold, rusted iron foot rail, and his feet began to beat a rhythm on the single lumpy pillow. His benefactor stood quietly.A short well groomed docile man with smooth auburn hair covering a prominent cosmetic tuck just below the ear lobes chuckled to himself.
His wrinkled skeletal hands nervously shook as he removed the promised twenty dollars from a shiny brown eel skin bill fold. He placed the payment on the dresser surface. And set his black and white pearl framed eye glasses on top of the money.
After generously layering his cracked dry lips with balm, the old man cleared his throat. He turned to survey the scared, Olympic body of the boy, he knew only as Jacob, and he smiled.
"What is this guy waiting for? C'mon lets get this over with."
Jacob whispered to himself.
It crossed Jacob's mind to rob this small unimportant stranger, but it wasn't in him.
His uncle's Scratch and Blank Wesley and most certainly his Aunt Dessie, had enough corruption in the family for everyone.
After all, he didn't have to do this. It was a first and free will hustle to get out of the snow storm. Besides Jacob thought it wouldn't last long, so what the hell. It was very cold outside and the storm was beginning to take its toll on him.
The welcomed warmth of the room became the best invitation presented to him in months, since leaving Oakland, California.
"Before….or after?" The old man asked. His small dark green near-sighted eyes darted back and forth as he recorded the inventory of the sparsely furnished room.
"What? What the f**k are you talking about, mister?" Jacob snapped, never looking up at his inquisitor.
"Cigarette, some guys like to have a cigarette before. Kind of eases the tension, if you know what I mean, and then some folks like to smoke afterward.
So, I just thought I'd ask." The old man said with a smile which melted into a disappointing frown.
"Listen you f**king little pervert, this ain't no social event old man. You ain't on no date, this is the first and last time I do some sh*t like this.
Let's get this over with, and then you get the hell out of this room, before I toss your queer ass out the window. Okay?" Jacob responded.
A red and yellow hue, from the neon sign which proclaimed the Royal Embassy Hotel, softly blanketed the room as soon as the old man turned off the single bulb ceiling light. Tears pooled in Jacob's eyes, but he refused to let them fall.
He glanced at a beam of hallway light reaching its fingers through splintered holes of carved molding. The ornate molding suggested tales of more elegant times. When black people were hustling to change the beds, instead of laying on them, and rich white people would ravish striking, young black virgin girls. And young delicate men would parade up and down the spiral staircase, half drunk, draped in garish lingerie and cheap dime store jewelry. They would recite passages from Shakespeare, and quote authors of the past, and jump in the hotels pool for group sex.
Jacob flinched with each piece of the old man's clothes being draped across the lone wooden chair. As he felt the white man’s cold, vein collapsed, wrinkled naked body begin to straddle his young smooth flesh, his heart began to race.
The young seventeen years old stiffened his long ebony frame, and locked his body tight. Hands clasped firmly underneath his chin, Jacob kept his elbows clung securely to his side. The rhythmic motion of time rusted bed springs echoed throughout the room.
Bitter disappointment shrouded the assailant's face, as his hands tirelessly searched for a pleasure which was not there. Determined he continued to try and penetrate Jacob’s locked buttocks.Then the old man’s body jerked as semen sprayed down the crack of Jacob’s still tightened sweat soaked ass. He moaned with relief, and crawled off the young man. Jacob cast his tear filled eyes toward the window which now held a fresh layer of fallen snow.
Although five minutes felt like five hours, Jacob felt he came out the victor. His frustrated and unsatisfied customer mumbled some meaningless phrases as he hurriedly dressed.
"Thank God, it's over." Jacob whispered with relief.
He refused to look up at the businessman who spent his afternoons looking for cheap thrills. The man glanced back at the twenty dollars, as if he should get a refund or change on his purchase and grudgingly slammed the door, and stomped down the spot lit hallway.
Springing from the bed Jacob quickly locked the door and rushed into the cracked, mildewed shower which gave out more cold water than hot. The relieved traveler scrubbed until he could hear his skin squeak. He felt good about not being penetrated, but still felt soiled, violated and though alone, very embarrassed.
Taking advantage of the room's heat, he washed his dirty clothes with the remaining bits of complimentary soap. After stringing a drying line from the shower rod to the window, he lit a cigarette and perched his naked body on the small window seat and stared out at the December tempest. Jacob wondered about his girlfriend back home, the reason he had to go on the run, and what might happen when he returned. He then plopped on top of the red plaid bed covers, and bathed in the heat of the room and surrendered himself to his dreams.
The morning sun was brilliant and lit up a crystal clear sky which played host to a dozen or so birds sailing through its ocean blue canvas. Pittsburgh's downtown forest of skyscrapers sparkled as the sun light bounced from one glass obelisk to another. Buses, cars, and thousands of scurrying people crowded the business Mecca, known as the Golden Triangle. Jacob lay in the bed and stared at the snow framed window. Sheets of icy water cascaded to a ledge that merged with dying mounds of snow. A small rainbow shone through the mist of the steam heat, and graced the room. In no hurry with checkout still three hours away, Jacob decided to just lay and enjoy his temporary reprieve from travel.
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Happiness
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Posted: Wednesday October 12th, 2005 00:34 |
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| strange tale....
____________________
"What is your life worth?
If you think that the only way you can survive is in the misuse of people,
then you haven't even begun to think about what it means to be human" ~ Dr C.T.Vivian
____________________
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dirtyred
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Posted: Tuesday October 18th, 2005 22:58 |
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one writer wrote: The Acceptable Sin....!?
By
One Writer
The north bound freight train slowed into the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Freight Yard. Jacob tossed his bed roll and back pack onto a peaking white bed of snow, jumped and tumbled for a few feet. After crossing the yard he climbed the freeway guard rail secured himself a safe position on the highway about sixty feet from the on ramp and waited. White letters on the frosted green freeway sign barely peeked through the flowing icicles, Downtown Pittsburgh 2 1/2 miles.
Cold air became bitter and Jacob quickly found his duct taped boots covered in a foot of snow. The wake from each passing car and big rig tossed dark brown slush on his already frozen jeans.
The young boy fought sleep unaware hyperthermia had begun its slow comforting grasp. Then nature sent him a pardon, a temporary reprieve from its grasp. This is where I got a little lost in the flow. The transition is not that smooth. I think you should provide a little more detail as to how Jacob got from the blizzard to the hotel room, without giving out to much info. The hotel room was nearly quiet, except the soft whistle from a bouncing cap on the brass steam radiator. Faded blue flower print wallpaper had seen too many hot summers, whose ray's reflected through a murky gray weather beaten window.
As the door to the room shut, a cock roach scurries across a dirty mirror which rattled from the walls vibration. The thin walls so fiercely shook a small corner of the mirror chipped. It made a dull clinging sound as it hit the worn splintered surface of a dresser that wobbled uncertainly on uneven legs.
Jacob quickly stripped and lay prostrate with his chin resting on the cold, rusted iron foot rail, and his feet began to beat a rhythm on the single lumpy pillow. His benefactor stood quietly.A short well groomed docile man with smooth auburn hair covering a prominent cosmetic tuck just below the ear lobes chuckled to himself.
His wrinkled skeletal hands nervously shook as he removed the promised twenty dollars from a shiny brown eel skin bill fold. He placed the payment on the dresser surface. And set his black and white pearl framed eye glasses on top of the money.
After generously layering his cracked dry lips with balm, the old man cleared his throat. He turned to survey the scared, Olympic body of the boy, he knew only as Jacob, and he smiled.
"What is this guy waiting for? C'mon lets get this over with."
Jacob whispered to himself.
It crossed Jacob's mind to rob this small unimportant stranger, but it wasn't in him.
His uncle's Scratch and Blank Wesley and most certainly his Aunt Dessie, had enough corruption in the family for everyone.
After all, he didn't have to do this. It was a first and free will hustle to get out of the snow storm. Besides Jacob thought it wouldn't last long, so what the hell. It was very cold outside and the storm was beginning to take its toll on him.
The welcomed warmth of the room became the best invitation presented to him in months, since leaving Oakland, California.
"Before….or after?" The old man asked. His small dark green near-sighted eyes darted back and forth as he recorded the inventory of the sparsely furnished room.
"What? What the f**k are you talking about, mister?" Jacob snapped, never looking up at his inquisitor.
"Cigarette, some guys like to have a cigarette before. Kind of eases the tension, if you know what I mean, and then some folks like to smoke afterward.
So, I just thought I'd ask." The old man said with a smile which melted into a disappointing frown.
"Listen you f**king little pervert, this ain't no social event old man. You ain't on no date, this is the first and last time I do some sh*t like this.
Let's get this over with, and then you get the hell out of this room, before I toss your queer ass out the window. Okay?" Jacob responded. Hotel, softly blanketed the room as soon as the old man turned off the single bulb ceiling light. Tears pooled in Jacob's eyes, but he refused to let them fall.
He glanced at a beam of hallway light reaching its fingers through splintered holes of carved molding. The ornate molding suggested tales of more elegant times. When black people were hustling to change the beds, instead of laying on them, and rich white people would ravish striking, young black virgin girls. And young delicate men would parade up and down the spiral staircase, half drunk, draped in garish lingerie and cheap dime store jewelry. They would recite passages from Shakespeare, and quote authors of the past, and jump in the hotels pool for group sex.
Jacob flinched with each piece of the old man's clothes being draped across the lone wooden ch I can understand that you are trying to let the readers know that Jacob is not at all interested in being with the man, but his comments seem a little unrealistic. Although these are the things that are probably really going through his head, I doubt that in reality someone with have that much feedback to the person that they are servicing.
A red and yellow hue, from the neon sign which proclaimed the Royal Embassy air. As he felt the white man’s cold, vein collapsed, wrinkled naked body begin to straddle his young smooth flesh, his heart began to race.
The young seventeen years old stiffened his long ebony frame, and locked his body tight. Hands clasped firmly underneath his chin, Jacob kept his elbows clung securely to his side. The rhythmic motion of time rusted bed springs echoed throughout the room.
Bitter disappointment shrouded the assailant's face, as his hands tirelessly searched for a pleasure which was not there. Determined he continued to try and penetrate Jacob’s locked buttocks.Then the old man’s body jerked as semen sprayed down the crack of Jacob’s still tightened sweat soaked ass. He moaned with relief, and crawled off the young man. Jacob cast his tear filled eyes toward the window which now held a fresh layer of fallen snow.
Although five minutes felt like five hours, Jacob felt he came out the victor. His frustrated and unsatisfied customer mumbled some meaningless phrases as he hurriedly dressed.
"Thank God, it's over." Jacob whispered with relief.
He refused to look up at the businessman who spent his afternoons looking for cheap thrills. The man glanced back at the twenty dollars, as if he should get a refund or change on his purchase and grudgingly slammed the door, and stomped down the spot lit hallway.
Springing from the bed Jacob quickly locked the door and rushed into the cracked, mildewed shower which gave out more cold water than hot. The relieved traveler scrubbed until he could hear his skin squeak. He felt good about not being penetrated, but still felt soiled, violated and though alone, very embarrassed.
Taking advantage of the room's heat, he washed his dirty clothes with the remaining bits of complimentary soap. After stringing a drying line from the shower rod to the window, he lit a cigarette and perched his naked body on the small window seat and stared out at the December tempest. Jacob wondered about his girlfriend back home, the reason he had to go on the run, and what might happen when he returned. He then plopped on top of the red plaid bed covers, and bathed in the heat of the room and surrendered himself to his dreams.
The morning sun was brilliant and lit up a crystal clear sky which played host to a dozen or so birds sailing through its ocean blue canvas. Pittsburgh's downtown forest of skyscrapers sparkled as the sun light bounced from one glass obelisk to another. Buses, cars, and thousands of scurrying people crowded the business Mecca, known as the Golden Triangle. Jacob lay in the bed and stared at the snow framed window. Sheets of icy water cascaded to a ledge that merged with dying mounds of snow. A small rainbow shone through the mist of the steam heat, and graced the room. In no hurry with checkout still three hours away, Jacob decided to just lay and enjoy his temporary reprieve from travel. The rest of this story seems to flow much better once you get past the fourth or fifth paragraph and I feel that it is easier to read once you get past your opening paragraphs. Overall it is interesting and different. Although I am not an editor, I think that with a lot of tweeking it could actually have potential.
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Posted: Thursday October 20th, 2005 01:30 |
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| Thanks for the critiques, I will take them to heart and implement your suggestions,. I really appreciate your objective opinion.
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one writer
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Posted: Thursday October 20th, 2005 01:30 |
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| Thanks for the critiques, I will take them to heart and implement your suggestions,. I really appreciate your objective opinion.
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Precious Stone
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Posted: Friday October 21st, 2005 14:53 |
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one writer wrote:
Thanks for the critiques, I will take them to heart and implement your suggestions,. I really appreciate your objective opinion.
I had a quick read through, but I will read through it at the weekend and come back to you.
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one writer
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Posted: Saturday October 22nd, 2005 00:46 |
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| I'm ready when you are!
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Happiness
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Posted: Tuesday October 25th, 2005 02:13 |
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@ 1 writer - there are alot of technical problems with your writing (imho)...although I like your style.
what was your goal/purpose in writing this strange tale called "acceptable sin"?
Every writer has a story to tell...what really is yours....?
Happiness
____________________
"What is your life worth?
If you think that the only way you can survive is in the misuse of people,
then you haven't even begun to think about what it means to be human" ~ Dr C.T.Vivian
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
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one writer
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Posted: Tuesday October 25th, 2005 02:22 |
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You say technical problems, but you don't explain what they are?
The goal/purpose was to tell a story....to peek the interest of a reader.....to bring that reader into a world different that their own. To make that reader think, "what if it were me in that situation, would I do that to survive?"
Have I not peeked your interest? Have I not caused you to think? Did I not tell you a story, strange or otherwise? Have I not engaged you in a dialogue over this story?
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Posted: Tuesday October 25th, 2005 03:10 |
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no - u havent peeked my interest at all.
its a strange tale - because no sin is acceptable ...and in addition, people dont cross that moral divide so effortlessly. Frequently, yes...but not effortlessly.
Granted people do things all the time that are "sinful" -- but your character had no inner struggle. You said it was his first time -- but you wrote him like some-one who had done this before. You wrote a character that already had the nature of homosexuality thats why there was no inner struggle...just anger at the old man who forced him to face his nature.
the technical stuff is too much for me to edit...you'd have to pay me for that! sorry
Happiness
____________________
"What is your life worth?
If you think that the only way you can survive is in the misuse of people,
then you haven't even begun to think about what it means to be human" ~ Dr C.T.Vivian
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
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