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jett Black
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Posted: Sunday April 17th, 2005 04:18 |
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So with the viewing done we head home,later that evening im in my Moms flat and I hear a very clear voice in my head "J*****(my first name also happens to begin with a J)what about my rings",it couldnt have been any clearer,Mom was never without rings on her fingers and I had forgotten to take them for her,so I ran next door to Moms neighbour and told her what ive just heard,she said"J I was going to mention that to you but i didnt want you to think i was being pushy"and we both laughed,so I picked out some rings and then my Mothers friend said you know your Mom never went anywhere without a linen handkerchief that was part of who she is,so i said well what is the point of that??its like burying someone with glasses or a watch? so we talked about it for a bit and laughed and in the end I deferred to my Mothers friend and said ok pick out a handkerchief and you can put it in her casket,so said,so done,we went back to the funeral home and I placed Moms rings on her and then let my mothers friend put the handkerchief in with Mom.
Right im going to stop now as I think im being overly ambitous thinking I can write this all in one go,there is still much more to say believe it or not,im not sure what any of the Villagers may be getting out of this read,but it sure is theraputic for me to write it,so if you will indulge me for a while I would appreciate it.
Thank You
to be continued..............................
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Vezz.
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Posted: Sunday April 17th, 2005 10:38 |
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Jett,
Your story is moving me. I can imagine this is a carthartic (sp) experience, writing all this on BN. Your mother was a truly amazing, inspirational woman, who has passsed on these gifts to you, her only child.
May God bless and keep you. Remember, she'll always live on in you - her greatest gift to the world.
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Posted: Sunday April 17th, 2005 13:19 |
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LOL and I though I was the only one who was moved by reading that!!
damm near blubbed up this morning (but dont tell nobody)
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Abissinia
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Posted: Sunday April 17th, 2005 20:06 |
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Jett sis thank you so much for sharing this with us. Always knew you were a very strong person mentally, i am sure your ma is eternally thankful and resting in peace.
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jett Black
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Posted: Tuesday April 19th, 2005 03:31 |
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Well I would have continued this story earlier but I had a really sh*t weekend and was really depressed,so depressed in fact that all I could do was sleep because this is the only place where I can escape my thoughts,and even then I couldnt escape them because I would dream all my neuroses and guilt and regret.
The depression was triggered by the fact that NONE of my friends were around this weekend,not one.One was in Budapest,the other in Cornwall,the other in the Lake District another comforting her husband(my friend)who just lost their Mother,and basically I was ALONE ALONE for the first time in 6 weeks! When I was in New York I was only ever alone if I chose to be,there was always someone available to be with or talk to if I chose,this weekend back in the UK I felt like the only person in the world and it was bleak to be alone with my thoughts for so long,usually under ordinary circumstances I am quite happy with my own company and get a lot done when im on my own,but this weekend was a whole different circumstance because obviously everything that has happened with my Mother is so fresh in my mind and I kept going round and round in my head with"shoulda,woulda,coulda,s"which get you nowhere and ultimately drive you mad,and then I re-read some of the most recent letters Mom sent me and I started to bawl and it just compounded the loneliness and I just couldnt take it and I went back to bed.
The letters are great and just reinforce what I already know,there is/was a great love between my Mother and me and in some ways I am blessed to have them to refer too.
Im aware that there could be as little as 3 people reading these chronicles or maybe a 1000plus,who knows,I just feel in my heart that a significant portion of you will get something out of this,because ultimately its a walk we all have to walk,whether its us doing the walking,or making the arrangements for the walk of someone we love.Its a cliche but "death is the great equalizer",and if I can impart anything of use out of all of this,its this,MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE,YOU LOVE THEM AND BACK IT UP WITH ACTION AS WELL AS WORDS,NO MATTER HOW SMALL THAT ACTION,this way when something like this happens to you,you can have a modicum of peace amongst the tremendous grief you will inevitably suffer.
So im gonna post this bit now before it disappears and then I will continue where I left off.
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jett Black
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Posted: Tuesday April 19th, 2005 03:57 |
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So on the day of the actual funeral in the limo with me(the one behind the hurst)were 7 friends,not one family member-even though family were at the funeral,I didnt feel as close enough to them to have them in the family car and after all"friends are the family you choose",these are friends ive had since I was 14 and 15 so are kind of like the brothers and sisters I dont actually have and I couldnt have asked for a better support system.
Backtracking for a second or two,the night before the funeral I had a dilemma(sp)about informing a friend of mine who I hadnt spoken to in 2 years,we fell out because I felt I was making more of an effort to kep in touch she was,but anyway she is in fact my oldest friend as we went to Junior high together and have known each other since we were 11.She is a person who throughout our youth I used to discuss my fears in regard to losing my my mother and she too had the same anxieties and our mothers are both the same age etc,when we were kids and into early adulthood we would say we were sure we would end up in a mental hospital if our mothers died or we would in fact die of grief ourselves etc.
So because I hadnt spoken to this friend for two years I was hesitant to phone her anyway,plus when I did connect with her I would be dropping the D-Bomb on her so I didnt know how to approach and I also didnt know how my call would be received as there had been some vexation between us,but because we were so close for so many years I felt that two year blip could be overcome,I also knew that if I didnt tell her before the funeral and told her AFTER the fact our friendship would be irrevocably damaged for life.
So I mustered up the courage told her with a massive lump in my throat and she was shocked but just as sympathetic as I knew she would be despite our grievances,we talke for a while....long story short,both her and her Mother showed up to my Mothers homegoing the next day even though I literally called at the 11th hour.
So the funeral went smoothly and as Mom would have liked I believe,there was drumming and dancing and libation,most people wore white-even my Goth friend,I read my eulogy which I had half written on the plane and finished when I go to NY.
In the eulogy I spoke about what a great Mother she was and how she continues to be,I spoke of her talents,her generousity,her dry and soemtimes cutting sense of humour,I also talked about the fact that we would sometimes get really vexed with each other but in the same day we could make each other laugh til our stomachs were cramping up,I also mentioned that i once wrote her a 15 page letter expressing every single reason why I loved her and I wanted her to have that letter so that if she ever had an iota of doubt about my depth of love for her she could always refer to it.(Upon receiving that letter my Mom said"J if any outsider were to read this letter they might think it was a love letter from a man...and we both laughed,but that was the strength of my love for her. (I forgot to mention this bit so am entering it here now)After reading the eulogy I read one of the poems Mafdet sent me titled"Do not cry",I think it was perfect for the tone and the kind of person Mom is,so much thanks Maf, ,in fact all the written words that various Villagers sent me were extremely helpful and helped me through some truly DARK moments,so I thank you all,but this particular poem Maf sent was on point!
And God knows im not trying to paint this perfect Mother/Daughter relationship because we could argue at Olympic levels when we got readybut it never lasted long and underneath any vexation my Mom always knew I respected her and worshipped the ground she walked on,and Mom would say of me"J you are the best of my works".
Right i,ll just send this bit now.
Last edited on Tuesday April 19th, 2005 04:17 by jett Black
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jett Black
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Posted: Tuesday April 19th, 2005 04:11 |
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Right so after the wake and the service which all happened the same morning,the funeral cortege(SP)drives to the cemetary/crematorium,our drivers name is Aaron,he is cool,I say to my friends partly in jest but partly for real"God ive got to have a child quickly coz who is gonna eulogize me?"Most of them say "J that is a really sh*t reason for bringing a child into this world"and we all laugh,then one of them says "are you serious J"?and I say "im kinda not sure".
It was a lovely Sunny day the day of my Moms homegoing,which was another blessing because I hate rain at funerals it just compounds the bleakness,prior to this day the weather had been really sh*te for a long time,so as far as I was concerned this was another of the ways Mom was making it easier for me.
As the hurst,limo and the rest was slowly making its way 3 guys outside tipped their caps towards my Moms hurst,Aaron the limo driver said"he hardly ever sees that any more",bear in mind that he does this work everyday,My friend then chimes in and says"they did that because they could sense they were in the presence of a Queen",this of course made me beam like a Chesshire cat and i,ll never forget those words because obviously Mom had no "Royal"status as such but she was a Queen and of course descended from Kings and Queens.
Right thats it for now....next installment MY BREAKDOWN AT THE CREMATORIUM.(this is more a reminder for myself than a salacious headline,in case anyone was wondering.)
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Vezz.
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Posted: Tuesday April 19th, 2005 07:37 |
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Jett,
Right now I'm at work, so I won't read your post because I just know the tears will well up (I felt the same as you, BP).
I'll read it later, in the comfort of my home, where I'll be able to confine my thoughts to you and hopefully send you peace.
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jett Black
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Posted: Friday April 22nd, 2005 02:13 |
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Well this past weekend was a pretty hard one for me so as a consequence I "booked" a friend in to come an visit me every day this week,it has be come quite farcical as one overlaps the other on the way in and out.All of my friends did ask me what I needed and what I neededwas for them to come around even for just a few hours or to stay overnight and it has been extremely helplful to me because I get to talk my feelings out,rather that my constant internal dialogue,Ive had genuine belly laughs amongst the grief(and Mum is loving that because she used to laugh til tears were streaming)ive cooked,watched DVD,s,one friend gave me a 6 week oral synopsis of Coronation St as I havnt seen it since ive been back.. and wow I had no idea that that much had gone on....Yes I love Corrie,sorry guilty pleasure.
Anyway back to where I left off last time..........
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jett Black
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Posted: Friday April 22nd, 2005 02:28 |
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So once the wake and the service were over it was on to the crematorium where there was another small service,after that service when Mom was taken away behind some doors we all adjourned to an adjacent room, in here the drummers who had attended Moms wake and also some other elders started drumming,singing and dancing and I guess the enormity(sp) of what had happened and what id experienced in the space of one week,coupled with the drumming and singing got to me and I just broke down,this wasnt regular crying,it was something primal,like it was coming from my toes,I kind of half collapsed into someones arms and im sure I must have easily lost about half a pound to a pound in water weight(no exaggeration) from the tears I shed.
Thinking about it now makes me well up,but it was everything I had to surpress because I was "all about business" and getting the job done,I just knew I couldnt allow myself even the tiniest relief as regards to crying because I would have never stopped and I would have been useless to My Mother and everyone else.
After that we all went back to my Mothers neighbour and best friends house for the usual after funeral nyam and by then my head was pretty cabbaged so I kind of kept slipping next door to my Mothers flat for some head space.
next installment....the stuff that happens after the funeral is over,it doesnt just end there.
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jett Black
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Posted: Monday April 25th, 2005 01:19 |
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So because of the really sh*t weekend I had last week,I had friends come and visit or stay every day this week,this one friend who I was supposed to see Friday evening I cancelled,she just tonight sent me an e-mail stating how hurt she was and how come I could see all my other friends but I couldnt see her.
I,ll tell you why I cancelled,Friday morning I went to see my friend whose Mother passed away whilst I was in NY,I came back after that encounter emotionally drained and my brain was completely cabbaged!I text my friend who was to arrive that evening and said"im really tired ive not been sleeping well,is it possible that she could come round the next day".
I heard nothing from her...I had no idea she was so aggrieved.
Yes,its partly my fault,because of how seriously lonely I felt the weekend I spoke of I, think I was overly ambitious thinking that I could see someone everyday and re-tell my story to a new person each day,dont get me wrong I am COMPLETELY greatful that my friends came through for me,but to honest by Wednesday evening I was starting to feel like I wish I had a home lobotomy kit,just to help me erase the last 6 weeks.
So tonight I receive this e-mail and I really didnt appreciate the tone of it ,she was essentially saying my other friends are more important than she is,which couldnt be any further from the truth,it was just bad scheduling and neediness on my part.she then ended the e-mail in a really flip tone"get back to me if and when its convenient for you".
Now ordinarily im one of the least selfish people you will ever encounter,its not my usual Modus Operandi(sp) but in the circumstances surrounding my Moms death ive had to be in order to protect myself physically and mentally.
So I e-mailed her back explaining why I had cancelled and I said I have demanded very little of you emotionally in our friendship,this is the one time in my life where you could have cut me some slack but you didnt,I had to open up my e-mail and read this sh*t......
It continued....right now I cant be tip-toeing around other peoples feelings I have enough of my own to be dealing with,I have only just begun my long journey of processing my grief and I think its unfair of you to lay this guilt trip on me at this time,its not like I said I cant see you ever!I asked if you could come on Saturday and you did not reply,you are my girl and everything but if this is how you are going to act then I do not give a flying-f**k,I cant say it any plainer than than that.......im outa here!
Now Villagers this reply may have been too harsh but she really pissed me off,like I dont have enough f**king emotions to deal with,now I have to deal with her guilt tripping,if the situation were reversed I would just *meet her where she is at* do whatever it is she needs,when,where,how etc,its not even been 2 months yet since Mom passed,it is still VERY RAW for me,ive tried not to be purposely insensitive to anyone,but the for the most part through this whole thing ive had to think about me to keep me out of the lunatic asylum.
So any of the Villagers reading this please check me if you think I was out of order or if there was another way of handling this because I may not be thinking straight at the moment,I can take critique,sometimes you need an "outside eye" for these scenarios.
Will continue with the post-funeral shenanigans soon .
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calculator2
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Posted: Monday April 25th, 2005 01:30 |
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jett black wrote: Last night I received the news ive been fearing my whole adult life, I received a call from a New York police officer at 4.30 am, he said may I speak to ... and I immediately made him stop because by that time my knees had turned to jelly,I pleaded with him to speak no more and call me back in 10 minutes I just thought I could more readily handle the news then.
Rest in peace Mum, you were loved.
Ebujah
August 7th 1942-Feb 27th 2005
Calculator response:
Thank you for sharing the news about your mothers untimely passing. Whilst I do not know you personally you gave an insight into a wonderful human being. Alas, we are only loaned to this earth for a while, but beauty never disappears, it just resonates into different things. Since your mother was very beautiful she appears everywhere. I pray that you are now recovering and I hope that the strength of Ebujah, your mother, shines on through you. Peace
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Mafdet
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Posted: Monday April 25th, 2005 23:01 |
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jett black wrote: .
So any of the Villagers reading this please check me if you think I was out of order or if there was another way of handling this because I may not be thinking straight at the moment,I can take critique,sometimes you need an "outside eye" for these scenarios.
@JB
No I do not think you was out of order in the slightest......I always say when something like this happens in ones life this is a test on all those around us lets see who are the real friends.
Its so easy to say I love you like a sis or bro but proving it can be difficult....
Did this so called friend stop to think you are so emotional right now maybe you do need some time to yourself......maybe your realise that you do need company and call her back to rescedule.........maybe your so mixed up your not sure of what your saying who knows. But she was quick to come at you because she felt a moment of hurt by you not seeing her...........a moment of hurt that she could've easily wiped out of her system but seeing things from your point of view for a second.
I went through similar things when my brother passed away who I thought was a friend seemed to home in on my low energy and take the absolute piss with me at the time you don't realise until you sit back and reflect on things. The way I look at it there are times in life when you need to sit back reflect and then do a spring clean on your life. Maybe that friendship has come to a natural end that you never would've realised until now.
JB what a true friend would've said is I can understand your going through alot and need some space but when your ready for company pick up the phone and I will be there but if you don't mind I going to call you each day just to check up on you because your always in my thoughts............
If you speak to alot of people that have lost loved one they have many stories to tell you about the so called friends who just dissappeared and their excuse is they didn't know what to say to the grieving person. Not that much of a friend if you ask me....when I was at Uni a friend of mine was killed in an accident and another friend came and spent time with me I didn't want company so turned her away but she was there only a phone call away if I needed her.
Blue Monday by Annie Lee
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jett Black
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Posted: Saturday May 14th, 2005 02:54 |
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Well I was supposed to have continued this story ages ago but so much has been happening I didnt have the strength to re-visit this thread.
The most recent thing that happened is this, one of my Moms first boyfriends from back in her youth in Barbados and many many years before I was even born,just found out about Moms death.Mom and he both lived in New York and remained good friends even though their relationship ended when they were in their 20,s.
I knew that he would have to one the first people I told when I got to New York but every number I could find in Moms various address books was not active and I was gutted that he wasnt going to be there,I didnt even know what his current address was so I couldnt go round and tell him in person.
So now he has found out through the *Peoples Republic of Brooklyn* grapevine and he is beyond shocked,beyond gutted, someone gave him my phone number in London and ive just gotten off the phone with him basically re-living my grief, explaining why I couldnt get in touch etc, etc and I feel so sh*t because this man was more of a father to me than my own father, he bought me my first bike, he took me on my first motorcycle ride, he was stern but fair, but as I approached adulthood I lost contact with him because for one thing I moved back to England, the second he travelled all over the States for his work so I never knew where he was going to be.
He feels a bit slighted because when Mom recently moved she didnt keep in contact like she used too and he kept calling one number for Mom which was disconnected, so they hadnt been in touch for like 8-9 months before her death.
I told him not to feel bad about it because Mom always spoke highly of him, she was probably just going through some sort of transition period, trying to get her head together etc(interesting choice of words considering she had a head stroke)
Anyway im going back in June so i,ll be able to talk to him then................
So in previous posts I talked about how brilliant the funeral home was, I would post the name of the home here but that might be seen as advertising, but if anyone finds themselves in the need of those particualar services and they live in New York please PM or e-mail me and I will give you the name.
Anyway my main funeral directors name is Micheal, he did everything from the paperwork to embalming my Mom and he was BLOODY BRILLIANT from start to finish!!
So when things had settled somewhat and I was making various visits to the funeral home to pick up death certificates and what not, I said to Micheal "at some point I will get you a card to express my gratitude I just havnt gotten around to it yet".....then I said"Look Micheal I dont know what the etiquette or the protocol is surrounding this but I would like you to have this,if I could give you more I would".At that point I had handed him a $100 dollar bill, he didnt hesitate to take it so I knew it wasnt in bad taste or an affront of some kind.He just said "I really appreciate that,thank You".
My reasoning was this, in the States you tip for almost everything provided you have received good service and as far as I was concerned Micheal had just provided the ULTIMATE SERVICE of my life so if anyone deserved it it was gonna be him, so im happy about that,I wonder what other people think? because a few people I told were a bit shocked by it, but came round to my way of thinking once I explained myself.
So there you have it thats just the tip of the iceberg re:post funeral shenanigans,I will post more when the spirit moves me too and I hope some of the Village have found these posts helpful or enlightening in some way....if nothing else they have helped me, so thanks once again for indulging me.
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jett Black
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Posted: Wednesday July 13th, 2005 03:55 |
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Hey guys,well ive been in NY for the last month or so primarily for the Tribute to the Ancestors of the Middle Passage ceremony,this takes place in June and it is something which my Mother attended every year and this is where I chose to scatter Mums ashes..if you google it you can find out some more info about it.
I havnt had time to read the forum because I have no internet access where im staying so im completely out of the loop interms of what is going on on Blacknet etc, hopefully everyone is getting along peacefully......ahem..was that a pig i just saw fly by my window?
It is hot and humid as hell here in NY thank God for air-conditioning otherwise I would have killed someone already!!!!!
Having said all that I would still rather be on this side of the pond for myriad reasons.
I have many things i would like to say about the "attacks" on London but i think its best just to keep my mouth shut.
Its about 5 months since Mom transitioned,it is still a huge adjustment,something i have to come to terms with each and every morning before i can even begin my day,everyone says i have cope really well but i have moments of complete meltdown when i just go off on someone if they sao much as look at me funny,so i guess my grief manifests in some bizarre ways.
I still talk to Mum everyday and always will,and i also have a shrine which honours her and houses some of her favourite things...............just gonna send this bit now coz im on my friends hi -tech lappy and im afraid im gonna accidentally delete.....................
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jett Black
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Posted: Wednesday July 13th, 2005 04:07 |
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just found out today some Gypsies or Pikeys tried to break into my London flat,this is how my White neighbours described them...anyway my middle neighbour intercepted them and scuffles ensued,police called and all that jazz,bare in mind I live in a top floor flat.The f**king nerve imso incensed!!They are lucky i wasnt home as i am very ahndy with a machete.
Anyway there are now Fort Knox type locks on all the doors in our house(its a house with 3 flats)so when I do get home I now have to get the new set of keys off one my neighbours.
God there are some right cretins in this effing world.
Anyway enough of my b**ching,hope all the villagers are well and not to traumatised by the whole london thing,there certainly was an inevitability about it.
Oh as i was browsing i saw a glimpse of a post which I thought said richard madely died and i thought poor Judy,but then I realised it was the Countdown dude.
What other UK celebs have pegged it since ive been away?? has Jordan had her sprog yet and did he/she come out without any defects???
Anyway Ciao for now,be well in a world of complete and utter insanity
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Posted: Thursday July 21st, 2005 14:27 |
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Jett Black,
So sorry to come to know you from this message. You have my deepest sympathy. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your mother who is still with you. It may have been a little while since your mother has passed but having lost my mother too I know it still feels like yesterday.
I'm really proud to see that you have found strength and humour from your good memories and writing to express what you are feeling right now. I found it helpful too. You are strong and you're right, somehow although you may not have thought so you do find strength to carry on.
When I first started reading this it was hard to take in as your thoughts brought back so many that I had and still have at times. It really makes you reflect but I can say too that although the pain never goes away it does get easier to deal with. Even if there are times when you don't feel to reach out, know that your loss is still our loss and we will always be here for you .
Ebujah may the Most High Guide you safely to the next stage of your journey
Hotep wa A'shug
(Peace and Love)
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"If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence you have won even before you have started."
Marcus Mosiah Garvey
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jett Black
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Posted: Tuesday August 9th, 2005 11:08 |
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Maat wrote: Jett Black,
So sorry to come to know you from this message. You have my deepest sympathy. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your mother who is still with you. It may have been a little while since your mother has passed but having lost my mother too I know it still feels like yesterday.
I'm really proud to see that you have found strength and humour from your good memories and writing to express what you are feeling right now. I found it helpful too. You are strong and you're right, somehow although you may not have thought so you do find strength to carry on.
When I first started reading this it was hard to take in as your thoughts brought back so many that I had and still have at times. It really makes you reflect but I can say too that although the pain never goes away it does get easier to deal with. Even if there are times when you don't feel to reach out, know that your loss is still our loss and we will always be here for you.
Ebujah may the Most High Guide you safely to the next stage of your journey
Hotep wa A'shug
(Peace and Love)
Thanks for your message Maat it is lovely and means a lot,by by the way one of the flower arrangements I bought for my Moms sending home was an Ankh made with white flowers.....so very fitting Maat.Also I was pondering getting a tattoo of that image-just a small one-in memory of my Mom,I always said if I ever get a tat it would have to be for something fairly significant and important and there has been nothing thus far in my life as significant and important as this.
Well Village I returned from NY last night and NTL have lock arf mi internet and phone to rass!!! so basically I am now typing this from an internet cafe.
Its going to take me a few days to sort out my bill,I hope to up and running again soon so I can read the threads and posts ive missed.I have missed this forum.
So see y,all in about 5 or 6 days,hope all is calm-ish in the Vill.xxx
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I aint asking for nothing,just open the door and i'll take it myself-James Brown.
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Breadfruit
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Posted: Tuesday August 9th, 2005 11:16 |
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| welcome back sister!
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History is a people's memory, and without a memory, man is demoted to the lower animals
Malcolm X (1925 - 1965)
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jett Black
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Posted: Tuesday August 9th, 2005 11:18 |
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| Cheers Bread
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I aint asking for nothing,just open the door and i'll take it myself-James Brown.
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Liono
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Posted: Tuesday August 9th, 2005 11:40 | | | |
