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Kunjufu
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Posted: Friday June 1st, 2007 18:22 |
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What's the secret of a successful marriage?
The key to a happy marriage is “mindful acceptance� that family life is far from perfect, researchers said today. According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, we should recognise that family rows and door-slamming teenagers are part of life.
It expressed concerns that some modern counselling techniques risk promoting an unhealthy belief in unachievable domestic bliss.
Have you discovered the secret of a lasting and contented marriage? Is there such a thing? Are the report’s authors right to suggest that it is healthy to have the occasional humdinger of an argument, or do you think it is better to seethe in silence?
The therapists suggested the use of a technique called “mindfulness�, where a person tries to focus their thoughts and actions on the present. Does this work or is it just a gimmick?
How do you cope with periods of pain and crisis in your relationships? Is there something that you do, or somewhere you go, to help you get through the bad patches? Or have you achieved a bliss so perfect that such patches don’t exist?
Q.1 Is it possible to have a truble free relationship/marriage with no arguements or problems?
Q.2. On average how many arguments do you and your partner have per month?
Q.3. What did you do to cope with or get over a crisis in your relationship?
Q.4. How long did your longest relationship last?
Last edited on Friday June 1st, 2007 18:34 by Kunjufu
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Incognito
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Posted: Friday June 1st, 2007 20:13 |
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I'm guessing this is a question for those with no culture....like the English where marriage is nothing more than a 'who wants to be like th Jones's' fashion statement.
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Soulstarr
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Posted: Saturday June 2nd, 2007 10:03 |
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Kunjufu wrote:
Q.1 Is it possible to have a truble free relationship/marriage with no arguements or problems?
No
Q.2. On average how many arguments do you and your partner have per month? Define arguement?
Q.3. What did you do to cope with or get over a crisis in your relationship? Talk and talk and talk.
Q.4. How long did your longest relationship last?
2 and a half years and counting.
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safetyblitz
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Posted: Saturday June 2nd, 2007 18:37 |
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Kunjufu wrote: What's the secret of a successful marriage?
The key to a happy marriage is “mindful acceptance� that family life is far from perfect, researchers said today. According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, we should recognise that family rows and door-slamming teenagers are part of life.
It expressed concerns that some modern counselling techniques risk promoting an unhealthy belief in unachievable domestic bliss.
Have you discovered the secret of a lasting and contented marriage? Is there such a thing? Are the report’s authors right to suggest that it is healthy to have the occasional humdinger of an argument, or do you think it is better to seethe in silence?
The therapists suggested the use of a technique called “mindfulness�, where a person tries to focus their thoughts and actions on the present. Does this work or is it just a gimmick?
How do you cope with periods of pain and crisis in your relationships? Is there something that you do, or somewhere you go, to help you get through the bad patches? Or have you achieved a bliss so perfect that such patches don’t exist?
Q.1 Is it possible to have a truble free relationship/marriage with no arguements or problems?
Q.2. On average how many arguments do you and your partner have per month?
Q.3. What did you do to cope with or get over a crisis in your relationship?
Q.4. How long did your longest relationship last?
Well let's see close to 15 years of marriage should equip me to handle this so I will give it a shot.....
I'll start with your questions.
1. No. LOL Let me elaborate. As a guy, sometimes you leave the seat up. If she goes to the toilet in the middle of the night and the seat is up and she does not catch it, you are in for a disagreement. Also, money is going to rise as a topic to be discussed. I often tell people who are getting married that they have to discuss how they will handle money up front and be truthful about their monetary habits. I cannot tell you how many fights my wife and I had about money early in our marriage. Ali v Frazier paled in comparison over the battle of the checking account LOL
2. At least two disagreements. If you really love each other and openly communicate you cannot help it. if you do not disagree, well one of you are lying or you really are soul mates. The thing is you both have to know how far to take the disagreements. I often try to remember with her on minor things is, do I want to be right or happy?
3. Usually talk talk and talk. Her thing is staring at the back of my head at 3am in the morning and then waking me up because I did not see her staring at me to talk. If this is not a time when most men will fly off the handle (and I did initially), I don't know what isn't. But from this I have learned to hold my tongue and listen before I respond. A lot of times when your woman wants attention it comes out in the form of her "picking at you" If you listen and mildly respond to her complaint/worry and show her that you are listening to her, the argument will be a simple disagreement.
I have found that my wife really only wants to argue when she is feeling vunerable and that this prompting of an argument is a sign of her putting up her shields to protect herself. Most women when they argue with us just want to be heard and know that their concern is not being taken lightly.
Crisis are only resolved by talking and as guys we all know how hard it is to talk because we really do not making ourselves vunerable, but if you love her, you have to make yourself vunerable to hurt and that means you have to talk  There is no way around it. Trust me I have tried.
A crisis actually brought us closer together as we started to really talk to each other more.
4. I think we have been together about 16 or 17 years. We were friends and then everything else blossomed afterward.
There is no perfect marriage. We simply try to listen to each other and not take things to a point where we have to yell at each other. IF you start yelling it is because you do not think the other person is not listening to you. We argue, but we try to go to bed not angry at each other or at least having discussed what is bothering us. Plus if you lie there holding each other, by the next day most issues will have died down.
I will try to put some more into this thread later, but maybe someone else has something as well. As a guy usually, we can diffuse an argument, make the woman feel as if she is valued, and strengthen the relationship simply based on how we handle the argument and it took me a while into the marriage to figure this out.
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Maat
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Posted: Saturday June 2nd, 2007 21:23 |
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Kunjufu wrote: What's the secret of a successful marriage?
The key to a happy marriage is “mindful acceptance� that family life is far from perfect, researchers said today. According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, we should recognise that family rows and door-slamming teenagers are part of life.
It expressed concerns that some modern counselling techniques risk promoting an unhealthy belief in unachievable domestic bliss.
Have you discovered the secret of a lasting and contented marriage? Is there such a thing? Are the report’s authors right to suggest that it is healthy to have the occasional humdinger of an argument, or do you think it is better to seethe in silence?
The therapists suggested the use of a technique called “mindfulness�, where a person tries to focus their thoughts and actions on the present. Does this work or is it just a gimmick?
How do you cope with periods of pain and crisis in your relationships? Is there something that you do, or somewhere you go, to help you get through the bad patches? Or have you achieved a bliss so perfect that such patches don’t exist?
Q.1 Is it possible to have a truble free relationship/marriage with no arguements or problems? I don't think so. As my husband says, if you don't have any disagreements then somethings wrong.
Q.2. On average how many arguments do you and your partner have per month? We don't argue much but on a bad month maybe twice. Most of the time I know what's up and usually let him know I need some space rather than snap at him. One thing I like about arguments in the relationship is that we have to live under the same roof. When we have to be around each other most part of the day, we have no choice but to start talking again. No long drawn out years old beef that neither was worked out how to settle. It's either we start talking again or wait until one confesses that they miss "us".
Q.3. What did you do to cope with or get over a crisis in your relationship? Think, talk, listen, think, talk and listen some more. We've had quite a few crisis and like Mr & Mrs blitz we've found that each one brings us closer together. In a way we are reminded that really and truly it's us against the world. Talking to other family members or trusted friends helps to an extent but it doesn't necessarily solve the problem. It's never easy talk about things going on between the two of you but when times get rough you have to try and sort it out.
Q.4. How long did your longest relationship last? 14 years so far
As for the secret...have to think a bit more about that one...
Last edited on Saturday June 2nd, 2007 21:32 by Maat
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday June 3rd, 2007 09:23 |
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Not to change the subject but better than starting a new thread, I would like to combine with these 'rules' for a successful marriage, the question of when do people believe it is the right time to get married. Where 'culture' is at the core, marriage seems to be more a pre-determined rite of passsage as opposed to a 'non-cultured' personal choice.
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EF MAX
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 07:08 |
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Q.1 Is it possible to have a truble free relationship/marriage with no arguements or problems?
A: I think yes and I think no. Yes you can have a trouble free relationship without arguments but I am not sure if you can have one without problems.
Q.2. On average how many arguments do you and your partner have per month?
A: In my past, NONE.. I am non confrontational and emotionally intelliegent man and often see trouble before it comes... but such insight has ultimately been my downfall as strong women (who I prefer) appear to not like men like me who believe in equality as such a belief makes me seem "weak or a soft touch".. of course I disagree..
Q.3. What did you do to cope with or get over a crisis in your relationship?
A: COMMUNICATION, its been said here before and I say it again, 1st LISTEN, then TALK, then LISTEN again before you talk again.
Q.4. How long did your longest relationship last?
A: Three years relationship, but gained a life time friendship.
Out of interest, I put this article together earlier this year, it's my honest opinion of working relationships.. http://www.chisuk.org.uk/articles/result.php?key=223
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Agape
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 12:39 |
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Husbands your wife is always and I mean always right,
Husbands keep you mouth shut
Husbands change the baby's nappy
Husbands buy your wife the perfume Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker
Husbands surprise your wife with a weekend trip to Paris
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 13:42 |
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Agape wrote: Husbands your wife is always and I mean always right,
Husbands keep you mouth shut
Husbands change the baby's nappy
Husbands buy your wife the perfume Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker
Husbands surprise your wife with a weekend trip to Paris
ROTF......
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 19:39 |
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A woman on the side has worked for many men. Still say that most of this is about relationships (as per thread title). Marriage for me has something more sacred at the core, as long as that core is mutual then more than half the job is done. If not you probably have to go the babymother route i.e. get married just before your children are eligible to
Men, watch out for money monkies. Especially those women who only have money to offer. They don't mind lending but when it comes to borrowing or asking they can't be seen to do that as it will come across as them begging a man so they drop it like they are telling you to support your children when in fact they want it for themself...but as said, just can't be seen to be begging a man....even in a marriage. These women put their careers before their husbands and their children.
Though I think half the problem is secrets - we live with too many and as a consequence too many lies. What's good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander.
Last edited on Monday June 4th, 2007 19:40 by Incognito
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 21:14 |
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| Please Stay on topic THANKS!!!
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 21:36 |
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Edited
Q.1 Is it possible to have a truble free relationship/marriage with no arguements or problems?
Giving the right roots, a marriage/relationship is who you chose to go through that struggle with.
Q.2. On average how many arguments do you and your partner have per month?
Me and my friends were talking only yesterday about how you approach your woman for sex after an argument. One bro said he can cuss of his woman til the cows come home, he's still going to check her for some pum pum. Point being, maybe the amount of arguments are irrelevant...it's how you make up.
Q.3. What did you do to cope with or get over a crisis in your relationship?
Well for me my values were the influence for my 'marriage' and those same values were the influence behind my divorce. It's like academic qualifications, you may never get a job but they can never take those away from you....and you'll always have them to show to any future potential
Q.4. How long did your longest relationship last?
Any sign I saw that made me recognise I have no long term plan for this woman I was off....I remember telling this girl to ring me on a Tuesday and she rang the Wednesday...that's unreliability in my books...I didn't even hang around for a blow.
Ex wife was from about 1992 to 2005..I'd say five years of that was a relationship
Last edited on Monday June 4th, 2007 21:37 by Incognito
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 21:46 |
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EF MAX wrote:
A: In my past, NONE.. I am non confrontational and emotionally intelliegent man and often see trouble before it comes... but such insight has ultimately been my downfall as strong women (who I prefer) appear to not like men like me who believe in equality as such a belief makes me seem "weak or a soft touch".. of course I disagree..
Supplimentary question to the Ladies only.....
Who is the stronger man....the one who confronts you and argues when they think they are right or the passive type of man who never confronts or argue with you even if you're dead wrong?
Which type of man do you prefer?
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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 22:08 |
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| Man number 1, cannot stand men will not stand up for what they believe in whether they are right or wrong. Fence sitters and men without back-bone get on my damn nerves. Men with conviction and fire get my vote everytime. Its good to have someone that will make you think, even of they are wrong and you are right at least they have a point of view and are not just like ok you are right honey.. Im not talking about men who argue for the sake of it. But normally the men who hold things down are the ones who will blow a fuse one day because it is all bottled up inside and will let you know what they think is wrong with you. Stuff from like 2 years previous! I like a man to put me in my place, in fact I find it a turn-on because I dont tend to meet many men who do!
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soulunique
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 22:08 |
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silence and being subtle is stonger.
i find a man who uses his authority in a non-confontational way very sexy
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 22:13 |
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Kunjufu - cheers for recognising most of that post of mine as being within topic
I must say though, not to say the relationship is bad or anything, but based on the relationship alone, I would never get married....
Sorry to butt in on the ladies but that question you asked goes against my philosophy of a good man, to a woman, is a man other than the one she currently has so I'm looking forward to the responses myself.
But as my take on marriage seems to be warped in these times of babylon, I'll try and debate from the general perspective. From my observation, any relationship where you can both be yourself is the key. Compromise can lose it's tether eventually...unless of course, compromising is being yourself.
An example, I have a close friend who said he went to Jamaica to get his wife because he is not a compromising man. He said he wants a relationship not a partnership and girls back home know their place in the puzzle. Still argues but when the crunch comes normal heirarchy is resumed...i.e. God, man, woman, children
Last edited on Monday June 4th, 2007 22:17 by Incognito
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blessingfromgod
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Posted: Monday June 4th, 2007 22:20 |
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| I have to be able to respect my man, and that means he has to be able to let me know when I am wrong! This does not mean he should just disagree because he doesn't like to be wrong! I could not respect such a bozo. However, in defence of EF MAX I love a man who's in touch with his feelings (and others - E I) and I would never abuse this quality. So EF MAX -
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Posted: Tuesday June 5th, 2007 06:18 |
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Separate houses can help. Ideally the closer together the better...especially when children are involved. Wouldn't want them bouncing around houses...they need stability. Friends cousin is married and has two houses next door to each other. Even in some traditions, the house is divided up into quarters and in the extreme, women only share the living quarters when it comes to seeding.
Think a lot of it comes down to emotions as well. If you and the other half have shared emotional rollercoasters you'll share a more profound understanding of life and therefore each other. Saying that, even these shared experiences can be susceptible to the curse of misunderstandings which I guess leads to that saying about never knowing what you've got til it's gone.
The biggest problem amongst married men seems to be women who switch or reveal another side of their personality when they get their security and comfort zone. This seems to be an accepted source of wisdom. I remember an advert I think for Volkswagen Golf that said this is the man who married a p***ycat just as it turned into a tiger....but then as a woman put it, man have to know how to manners woman when they get rude.....if you got time for that sh!t good luck...you must be a mini cab driver or something
Watch out for demeaners...my ex used to tell me I was finished and that I could never get another woman...bet she doesn't mention that when she's selling her side of the story
Last edited on Tuesday June 5th, 2007 06:21 by Incognito
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EF MAX
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Posted: Tuesday June 5th, 2007 07:22 |
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blackbutterfly182 wrote: Man number 1, cannot stand men will not stand up for what they believe in whether they are right or wrong.
Ummm,, as he bites his tongue softly.. There are many woman out there who like to test their man, this often includes a variety of silly mind games.. all they are looking for is a reaction.. now me, I have spent most of my adult life working in education and psychology and pride myself as quite an expert on personalities and personalitiy disorders of which (for me) many women I meet (from a dating point of view) have ISSUES.. so loaded with all of this info, I will take a step back when a situation requires strong conversation and assess the type of reply that is appropriate to the situation.
I have some seriously strong views about lots of stuff and feel no way about telling anyone (politely) that they are incorrect (note not wrong) in my view and then point out (in my view) what I see as the correct way.
I will not engage in slanging matches nor will I ever put down a partner in a public place (our business is private) but I will always tell a woman what I think about what ever, I just chose my moments constructively..
To me, drama queens like to be put in their place, they like a man to be a man and all I say is good luck, but a woman who is able to appreciate an emotionally intelligent guy is rare but priceless..
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soulunique
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Posted: Tuesday June 5th, 2007 07:48 |
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EF MAX wrote: blackbutterfly182 wrote: Man number 1, cannot stand men will not stand up for what they believe in whether they are right or wrong.
Ummm,, as he bites his tongue softly.. There are many woman out there who like to test their man, this often includes a variety of silly mind games.. all they are looking for is a reaction.. now me, I have spent most of my adult life working in education and psychology and pride myself as quite an expert on personalities and personalitiy disorders of which (for me) many women I meet (from a dating point of view) have ISSUES.. so loaded with all of this info, I will take a step back when a situation requires strong conversation and assess the type of reply that is appropriate to the situation.
I have some seriously strong views about lots of stuff and feel no way about telling anyone (politely) that they are incorrect (note not wrong) in my view and then point out (in my view) what I see as the correct way.
I will not engage in slanging matches nor will I ever put down a partner in a public place (our business is private) but I will always tell a woman what I think about what ever, I just chose my moments constructively..
To me, drama queens like to be put in their place, they like a man to be a man and all I say is good luck, but a woman who is able to appreciate an emotionally intelligent guy is rare but priceless..
 a man who knows himself and his views knows when and how to get it across.
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Posted: Wednesday June 6th, 2007 21:15 |
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Watch out for soap opera monkies and followers of the hype....unless of course that's you as well.
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Posted: Thursday June 7th, 2007 14:06 |
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Kunjufu wrote:
Q.1 Is it possible to have a truble free relationship/marriage with no arguements or problems?
"It's amazing how perfect your partner becomes when you stop expecting them to handle your life"
and
"He is doing the best that he can given his level of personal growth"
I was reading a self help book (which I can't quite recall the title) and out of 100s of pages of text those two above really struck a cord with me. I remember feeling completely relived to learn that I am the only person responsible for my happiness, I and I alone can handle my life and if I am angry or bitter about something it is not the others fault but it's my failure in not being able to handle the situation.
I don't know if that makes sense but it sure did make a whole lot of sense to me and thought me a great deal about self satisfaction, taking complete responsibility to whatever happens in my life without blaming myself or anyone else. If things are going badly in my relationship and I am the first to notice then it's my responsibility to take action and not to wait or blame my partner for it. "It's amazing how perfect your partner becomes when you stop expecting them to handle your life".
In a strange way taking complete responsibility of everything that happens in my life including the small stuff such as lateness, forgetting birthday etc gave me the power I needed to take immediate actions in almost all areas of my life that wasn't quite working well.
I suppose the point I am trying to make is that disagreements happen and are quite natural but the reason why it escalates in to arguments is usually because one or both parties are reluctant to take responsibility to handle the situation effectively without the need to be right. You let that go and you’ll find there is nothing that can not be talked through.
Btw, my longest relationship was 9 years and probably argued less than 5 times.
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I am p |
