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Misti1
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| Location: | Memphis, Tennessee USA |
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Posted: Thursday June 14th, 2007 11:56 |
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Dear One,
You are about to embark on one of the hardest adventures of all times. I am sorry, but I cannot sugar coat this one for you. Having done it, I know. One of my major concerns was setting the proper example before my daughter (she did not meet most people I dated, and no men around her in our house or sleeping over etc.).
I had to endure two step fathers and the return of the original father only to leave again, and my girl was NOT going to go through all of that.
My main concern for you is in "dating", they sometimes pick you up, therefore get to even peep your children. Don't let them NEAR your kids until you are sure, and even then, watch them like a hawk.
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Maybe this will clear up the confusion before I get insulted again...I am a BLACK woman...we come in all shades duhhhhhhh.
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caramelcurves
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| Joined: | Monday May 8th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thursday June 14th, 2007 14:24 |
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Hello Misti1,
Thank you for taking the time out to pass on ur experiences and words of wisdom. I hear you about being careful...I am VERY protective of my children. I don't wanna make the mistakes which I have seen many of my girlfriends make - different men in the house every week, and a new "uncle" appearing all the time!
I believe that it is better to lead by example, and that is just what i to to.
I have no problem "dating" as such if and when that time comes... It is hard to envisage this happening when SO many men don't seem to know how to talk to a woman. (NO I AM NOT SAYING THAT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME BEFORE I GET CUSSED! )
Which is why I started this thread to discuss other people's experiences. Especially as there were times when I felt as though I was the only one who had this happening and these feelings.
Making a fresh start is hard no matter what the reason is.
 PS: As a sista of a lighter hue... isn't it annoying when you have to keep defining yourself to people? But you know what we are here to stay regardless of shade...BLACK AND PROUD!
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Misti1
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Posted: Thursday June 14th, 2007 16:22 |
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PS: As a sista of a lighter hue... isn't it annoying when you have to keep defining yourself to people? But you know what we are here to stay regardless of shade...BLACK AND PROUD!
When I first started posting here I was not welcomed with "open arms" for that reason. But after talking a little, the sisters were most kind. But yeah it gets old.
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Maybe this will clear up the confusion before I get insulted again...I am a BLACK woman...we come in all shades duhhhhhhh.
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Incognito
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| Joined: | Sunday August 31st, 2003 |
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Posted: Friday June 15th, 2007 19:38 |
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CC - unfortunately we live in times with no common culture or common end game so our relationships are left to dating, f***ing, breeding and cohabiting and if you're lucky you gain a mutual comfort where you become brave enough to exchange rings.
Now imagine having two boys and being legally tied to then discover the other half really is one of babylons daughters with rights to everything that is yours. And you know she's a fraud when in her head you have no rights to anything she considers hers.
Still, apart from the likelihood that I'll be acquainted with and probably financially supporting but not be raising my boys, it hasn't worked out to bad for me. I've still got my life long ambition of leaving England on the cards (although the original intention was to flash with the wife and kids) and as far as dating goes, well the true blessing is I don't have to start from scratch with the new bird...everything is just there - which I guess gives me more liberties with some pum pum on the side....send me a pm if you want to hook up and talk about it
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blessingfromgod
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| Joined: | Thursday November 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Friday June 15th, 2007 19:54 |
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Misti1 wrote: PS: As a sista of a lighter hue... isn't it annoying when you have to keep defining yourself to people? But you know what we are here to stay regardless of shade...BLACK AND PROUD!
When I first started posting here I was not welcomed with "open arms" for that reason. But after talking a little, the sisters were most kind. But yeah it gets old.  I'm in shock! Are you actually insinuating something here? Please elaborate.
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Friday June 15th, 2007 20:00 |
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Misti1 wrote: PS: As a sista of a lighter hue... isn't it annoying when you have to keep defining yourself to people? But you know what we are here to stay regardless of shade...BLACK AND PROUD!
When I first started posting here I was not welcomed with "open arms" for that reason. But after talking a little, the sisters were most kind. But yeah it gets old.
Misti/BFG: as a quick aside....It is very true Misti was not WELCOMED ON BNV at first.. However in defence if i may... I think it is fair to say that your Avatar does not do you justice, as you appear WHITE... That in itself should not be a problem, However you arrived at a time when we had just suffered a succession Mixed rac and White posters, who to put it bluntly got on everyone's last nerve, with their pious and arrogant behaviour... So in part it your problem was unfortunate timing and our jumping to conclusions based on FIRST impressions (our mistake NOT yours)...
Last edited on Friday June 15th, 2007 20:01 by Kunjufu
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blessingfromgod
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Posted: Friday June 15th, 2007 20:09 |
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Okay, I now get where Misti may be coming from, however the comment which promted Misti to reflect upon this time has come from an OFF TOPIC comment made by CC! Exactly what is she trying to say? What does her 'lighter hue' have to do with this thread! Mbo CC what did you mean - PS: As a sista of a lighter hue... isn't it annoying when you have to keep defining yourself to people? But you know what we are here to stay regardless of shade...BLACK AND PROUD!
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caramelcurves
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| Joined: | Monday May 8th, 2006 |
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Posted: Saturday June 16th, 2007 00:18 |
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LAWD here we go... What I meant was ( and innnocently so) was that it is a shame that if you do not meet peoples expectations of a black shade, then some are ready to jump on you and ask you to explain which part of you is Black...I was in NO WAY casting doubt or insult on anyone! I have found that I have had people saying things like "Your mixed innit?" "Are you Black?" And as a mature woman it has really got on my nerves...THATS WOT I MEANT! I know it was off topic but hey there are NO RULES as such here...
Lighten up guys! Geeze!
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caramelcurves
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Posted: Saturday June 16th, 2007 09:12 |
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@Incognito >>>>ROFL ! PM is on its way!
Can't wait to hear about the on the side bizniz...Why do it?
Are you honest about these side "issues"? See this is what I can't get my head around....
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Bea
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Posted: Sunday June 17th, 2007 12:51 |
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 Here we go again, being side tracked from focusing on the things that concerns US.
When will we learn?
Last edited on Sunday June 17th, 2007 13:00 by Bea
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caramelcurves
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Posted: Sunday June 17th, 2007 13:06 |
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LOL! WHY OH WHY are some of us SO SERIOUS? Incognito's convo or comments were not off topic or anything so whats the BIG DEAL?
If you read the post it does still cover the original topic...I am always interested in getting a male view point on things like Why they have "pum-pum" on the side etc? As I am sure men also find it handy to hear the female view on some topics too! These kind of issues are part of the reason why I was/am reluctant to date anyone after years of being with (or so I thought) 1 person.
Maybe I should start a thread which asks why some of us lack a sense of humour? Or Why we cannot diversify in debates using humour, and the vast array of personal experiences which can be shared here within this format?
 Geeze...ease up! Does everything HAVE to be so straight down the line...? 
Last edited on Sunday June 17th, 2007 13:07 by caramelcurves
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shakac
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Posted: Sunday June 17th, 2007 17:39 |
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caramelcurves from your posts it would appear to me that you are on the right track. Taking time out to analyse yourself is a good move as it will help you to come to terms with who you are now after 20 years in a relationship.
If we are to believe the stats then you are more likely to find your new soul mate at work rather than in a club or the church. It is important that you do get out though as this is the best way to heal any wounds that are still present.
IMO you should start dating as soon as possible so that you don't become afraid of men and the dating game. Yes you will meet some men that are rubbish and some that are nice but perhaps not the one for you. Nonetheless it will help you to know what kind of man you are looking for. This is really important as most of the women that have not being in a relationship for a long period are totally mixed up and this can lead to them being seen as a victim with issues.
For now though you can concentrate on going out with groups that organise events for people like yourself with children. This would get you out the house and have you mixing with people in the same boat. Your local council should be able to provide you with information on single mother groups.
I tried to date a woman that had been on her own for several years and in the end it didn't last due to the issues she is still carrying. As a single black woman she as had to bring up two boys on her own leading to her putting on this front as a strong black woman. Her problem was she is use to being the boss and found it hard to compromise and as you know you need to be able to accomodate your partners views, attitudes and behaviours. Relationships are a two way thing.
Anyway good luck and watch out for the smooth operators.
Peace!!
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caramelcurves
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Posted: Sunday June 17th, 2007 18:15 |
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Thank you Shakac for taking the time out to share your knowledge and experiences. I value ur contribution.
I hope I NEVER become a bitter and defensive woman, but I hear you loud and clear about how easy it is to become just that. There is a fine line between assertive and aggressive, especially when you have had to steer the boat yourself. The thing I find difficult is knowing where to go and what kind of things to do, the few times I have gone out, it has felt like I am in a meat market. I don't go to church, and I am studying part-time.
For now I am just happy to go out now and then with my friends and maybe increase my social circle to include new activity partners. There must be at least 1 decent man, maybe 2 who are looking for the same thing!
Regardless, I am just gonna get on with my life and try to squeeze as much happiness out of it as possible. If I meet someone along the way then that is a bonus.
Smooth operators can just keep on walking I have no time to play games...Thats the bit about being single again that I HATE!
THANK YOU AGAIN
Attachment: paradise4me.jpg (Downloaded 35 times)
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shakac
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Posted: Sunday June 17th, 2007 18:59 |
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Caramelcurves - My mate for instance went to salsa classes and ended up marrying his dancing partner.
At 45 he was married for the 1st time so anything is possible.
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caramelcurves
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Posted: Sunday June 17th, 2007 19:02 |
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WOW! There is hope afterall!
I am gonna run out and join a Salsa class tonite!!!
Thanx
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