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Melissa
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Posted: Wednesday May 9th, 2007 15:39 |
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My friend has been single for 4 years. She is absolutely gorgeous, good cook, ok job, one child.
Her last boyfriend was a serial cheater who she took back countless times but finally left him after he rearranged her face for daring to question him about his latest disappearing act.
There is a Ghanian man at her work place, very fit, very good looking, very nice personality, good job, great salary and very interested in her, he has been pursuing her for almost a year.
After she finally introduced us, and i established that he was a nice as he sounded, I asked what her problem was, why not a least try to get with him on a platonic level outside of work, I couldn't see a good reason not to, she singed his praises but never gave me a reason why she never took him up on his offer.
I was floored when she said "My granny told me never to go out with an African man " 
I know some of our old school caribbean parents/grandparents have had this attitude for years, i know my parents have got rid of it now, thankfully, but i never imagined that it was still ingrained in 30somethings!
Things is, she is still in contact with that idiot (the serial cheater, who by the way does not work and has children all about the place, oldest 14, youngest 5 months!) and doesn't rule out taking him back AGAIN!
I realise this may be an excuse - i dread to think that she's hoping to go back to that fool, or that is why she's been single for so long, but to even come out with that reason i'm thinking - Wotless Gyal.
Plus she hangs out with a lot of white people, so sadly she may actually feel that way.
Anyone else know of people in their 20s/30s who still think like this? I can honestly say she is the only person I know who does.
BTW - My friend is of Jamaican and Grenadian parentage, her ex is British JamaicanLast edited on Wednesday May 9th, 2007 15:43 by Melissa
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comfortandjoy
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Posted: Wednesday May 9th, 2007 15:53 |
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She's obviously just not feeling the guy, otherwise I'm sure what her granny told her would have been dismissed long ago. That seems like it's just an excuse because she doesn't want the guy, and probably still pining for her no good ex.
Just because someone looks good on paper - doesn't mean you have to be feeling them on a romantic level and it seems like this is one of those cases where there just isnt any chemistry, so nice as he may seem - this guy just doesn't do it for her.
btw I know there are continental africans and african-caribbeans alike - of all ages -who are against dating/marrying outside their culture. Even within the caribbean islands certain islanders will prefer to stay with fellow islanders rather than go with someone from a different island. Unfortunately, there's still a lot of mistrust which has been passed down, generation to generation.
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Prince Hakeem
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Posted: Wednesday May 9th, 2007 16:05 |
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**shakes head**
I think your friend deserves what she gets.
The fact that she's turning down the kind of man a lot of sistas would give their right arm for - only because he's a continental African - while considering taking back a clearly wotliss man with no ambition in life who's already beaten her senseless - clearly shows her mentality.
"My granny says don't date an African" - I mean what the f*ck? Is she in her 30s or her early teens?  That old school 'African Bubu' foolishness annoys me and personally I don't even keep friends like that.
I'd encourage her NOT to date the Ghanian brotha because frankly he'd be wasted on her.
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Melissa
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Posted: Wednesday May 9th, 2007 16:40 |
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Hakeem i'm with you,
Seriously it changed my entire perception of her when that sentence came out of her mouth.
I don't think she is just not feeling him, because she doesn't stop talking about him, i think she actually does like him but the fact that he is of African parentage is a barrier. i had to explain to her that being of Caribbean parentage - she was african too - lol!
It grates even more when i see how she integrates herself with her white colleagues, she just came back from a week abroad with some of them, staying in their parents house!
I didn't know whe was like that, she seemed fine to me up till then, i've know her for over 10 years, but we lost contact and just recently got back in touch (3 years ago).
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blessingfromgod
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Posted: Wednesday May 9th, 2007 17:07 |
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Prince Hakeem wrote: **shakes head**
I think your friend deserves what she gets.
The fact that she's turning down the kind of man a lot of sistas would give their right arm for - only because he's a continental African - while considering taking back a clearly wotliss man with no ambition in life who's already beaten her senseless - clearly shows her mentality.
"My granny says don't date an African" - I mean what the f*ck? Is she in her 30s or her early teens? That old school 'African Bubu' foolishness annoys me and personally I don't even keep friends like that.
I'd encourage her NOT to date the Ghanian brotha because frankly he'd be wasted on her.
 I could not agree more with all that has been said above.
Melissa, I think your friend needs schooling up - it's not her fault, maybe find out what her Granny has corrupted her mind with! Also, if she is constantly talking about this guy at work, then I also feel her reservations are because of him being from African. Education is all this sister needs.
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Incognito
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 06:53 |
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M - Believe me there are continental Africans who refuse to date continental Africans. As for the caribbeans believe me many are simply fronting, they talk about their affinity with Africa but ask them to give their children an African name and you'll see the same character as your friend come to the surface.
This goes for men as well. I rememeber an ex friend of mine had his first son. I gave him this book of African names which I had for about five years (had no children of my own then) - he returned it saying he couldn't find anything suitable...he eventually went with something Greek or Turkish. Still, had an 'argument' with him in regarding his African identity almost ten years later where he made it quite clear that he sees himself as Jamaican and his son as Jamaican...even though the sons mother is bajan ....go figure!
My ex wife gave our second son a name with no meaning whatsoever...to think my son is walking around with a title which is nothing more than a cosmetic gesture. Rememebr being down Luton carnival a few years back and seeing this typical looking hood rat using tight jeans to similate the effect of lipos suction with her g-string hanging on parade. Heard her call to her son, and if I didn't know better she actually shouted it out so everyone could hear in some kind of superficial pose...well my second son has that same name
Hypocrites are rife. Many are just fronting..Africa is the last thing they want to associate with...even those giving advice to others.
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huzzah
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 07:39 |
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Melissa wrote:
I don't think she is just not feeling him, because she doesn't stop talking about him, i think she actually does like him but the fact that he is of African parentage is a barrier. i had to explain to her that being of Caribbean parentage - she was african too - lol!
It grates even more when i see how she integrates herself with her white colleagues, she just came back from a week abroad with some of them, staying in their parents house!
It's worrying when you have to explain to her about her true ancestry - sounds like she's been through some indoctrination process.
As PH said this guy is wasting his time. One year on and nothing's happened. If there was any geniune interest then somebody would have made moves already - even strike up a conversation even if it leads to nothing.
As for going on holiday with her white colleagues, no doubt they will try drag you along next time lol!!
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Black_Power
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 07:42 |
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what I dont get is that most of these people who wouldnt date African/carrib and vice versa would have no problem with screwing/dating a grey
so that blows the theory of "own culture" clean away
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comfortandjoy
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 10:19 |
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Incognito wrote: M - Believe me there are continental Africans who refuse to date continental Africans.
Exactly, anyone who has ever been around Nigerians (including the younger generation) will know how it is between Yoruba and Igbo's. I'm talking about deep-seated, longstanding distrust and ingrained attitudes towards people based on differing tribal heritage - and that does get in the way of personal/family relationships.
It's crazy, but this is how our people do - which is why the white man has no trouble dividing us and conquering us. People are talking about caribbeans as if this clannishness isn't a problem with other black people. This thing ain't unique to caribbeans at all.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask Gmahogany, she's the expert on this! lol
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chi
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 13:05 |
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If she doesn't want an African man, let her at least find a decent man from Caribbean heritage.
As far as Yoruba's and Igbo's....thats quite different from not wanting to date a continental African full stop. Intermarriage is very common nowadays.
I dont agree with the dislike between tribes, but there is a history behind it.....so its not quite the same.
Last edited on Thursday May 10th, 2007 13:07 by chi
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 13:38 |
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Mellissa: your friend sound great...please tell her that I have just the guy for her...
He is tall ..wears plenty, plenty fake bling, likes to drive expensive lease car on the money he gets from his hareem of women about the place...live in various places therefore he can move in at a moments notice and most of all this guy has a PH'd in the disrespect of women, he's has no job and will make it his life ambition to make her life a misery....
he can be contacted on 0800 dyamfoolgyal
or emailed on: ediotgyal@jackarse.com
She'll recognise him, he'll be the guy with his trousers hanging of his baggie, fake gold teeth and talks a fake carribean...
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Melissa
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 16:49 |
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Thanks for all your comments, Kunjufu you crack me up!
On that night i actually spoke to the guy, and he asked me what her problem was.... being from Africa was one of the the things he mentioned.....(along with having a secret boyfriend, somewhere that none of us know about, wanting a white man or being a lesbian)
We quickly said no way to the african part. I told him to keep trying because i could see he was genuine and i thought she'd do well with him, after what she said i think i did the wrong thing!
What bothers me as well is that she has a 13 year old son, i'm not sure how ingrained this attitude is with her, and i sincerely hope that she is not passing it down to him indirectly.
Huzzah - Actually she tried! I made my excuses natch.....
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DSP
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 17:07 |
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Black_Power wrote: what I dont get is that most of these people who wouldnt date African/carrib and vice versa would have no problem with screwing/dating a grey
so that blows the theory of "own culture" clean away
LOL you can say that again.
Melissa. I think your friend should date a white guy and stop hanging around black people altogther.
These people just need to breed out of the race and be done with it. They create too much confusion.
My female cousin had a Caribbean friend like that. She used to make comments of how Africans smell, etc. Funny thing she saw our other cousin and developed a crush on him and asked my cousin to introduce them. He didn't date her for long though, probably 2 weeks tops. She felt he should feel lucky he was with her. He saw her later at a function and acted like he didn't know her, and she felt really small after that. Too bad I didn't meet her first. 
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Incognito
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Posted: Thursday May 10th, 2007 18:19 |
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The gran simply told her what she wanted to hear...only now she can scapegoat the gran.
Just like sewing white peoples hair in your head, you really really really need to check the psychology big time. Wonder what else the granny told her...white people are god, no doubt with a blonde and blue hanging on the living room wall et all.
But as said, many still hold this view. Big people too. Heard sistas refer to African men as scoobs or slope heads.
You need to apppreciate extremes here. There are some who wouldn't consider anything to do with Africa much more date one, there are those who consider themselves African and can't wait to marry one and go back home - a bit like the man on that programme last night when after visiting Africa he knew unless God himself tells him otherwise he'd be spending the rest of his life there....and there are those in between, yeah they'll confess to having African ancestry...but they are not African...yeah they can all vibes up with their African friends but when it comes to certain and certain things just know they are not African.
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stick-upKid
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 08:48 |
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comfortandjoy wrote: Incognito wrote: M - Believe me there are continental Africans who refuse to date continental Africans.
Exactly, anyone who has ever been around Nigerians (including the younger generation) will know how it is between Yoruba and Igbo's. I'm talking about deep-seated, longstanding distrust and ingrained attitudes towards people based on differing tribal heritage - and that does get in the way of personal/family relationships.
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C&J, shaddap, please!
Intra-Nigerian marriages are so common these days. Two members of my family are married to another ethnic group. Stop chatting negative crap.
I do agree with Incog, there are African women who refuse to date African men, but that's not an ethnic group thing. Its more like this feeling that African men are somehow...retro, backward, traditional, wife beating, lazy around the home etc...lol
I don't know where that perception comes from.... I've never hit a chick in my life 
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comfortandjoy
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 10:06 |
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stick-upKid wrote: comfortandjoy wrote:
Exactly, anyone who has ever been around Nigerians (including the younger generation) will know how it is between Yoruba and Igbo's. I'm talking about deep-seated, longstanding distrust and ingrained attitudes towards people based on differing tribal heritage - and that does get in the way of personal/family relationships.
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C&J, shaddap, please!
Intra-Nigerian marriages are so common these days. Two members of my family are married to another ethnic group. Stop chatting negative crap.
I do agree with Incog, there are African women who refuse to date African men, but that's not an ethnic group thing. Its more like this feeling that African men are somehow...retro, backward, traditional, wife beating, lazy around the home etc...lol
I don't know where that perception comes from.... I've never hit a chick in my life
Stick-Up, I agree with you that a lot of black people (like the two in your family) don't care about things like ethnic/tribal group, nationality/birthplace etc and I'm sure there are plenty of inter-marriage between Yoruba and Igbo, and continental African and Caribbean, British-born blacks and Caribbean born blacks etc, etc - but people are here talking about prejudices some black people have towards other black people of another cultural group. No one accused Melissa of starting a thread encouraging talking about negative crap, so no need to bring that to me either, it's all the same topic.
In my experience, there are still plenty of nigerians who would prefer their children to marry within the tribe and actively try to influence that. I met a guy who said his mother would prefer him to marry a Jamaican than an Igbo, such was her distaste for Igbo's - and that is saying something because she was not keen on Jamaicans either.
These attitudes are just as common amongst continental Africans towards other tribes or religions of continental Africans - and often towards diasporan Africans too.
These attitudes (from Nigerians and other groups of continental Africans) are as widespread as the attitudes expressed by Caribbeans, who refuse to marry or date continental Africans (like Melissa's story); or those continental Africans who refuse to marry African-Americans, of which I'm sure there are many - even on this board.
Like I said, people don't need to act like this is something they don't witness happening in ALL groups of black people (and people in general) - not just caribbeans. Or is it somehow different - and less of a problem - when other groups are expressing their silly prejudices against each other??
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chi
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 11:03 |
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Of course there are parents who would prefer their children to marry within the tribe....I dont have a problem with that at all.
However, you will find that an Igbo parent who would hate for their child to marry a Yoruba wouldn't mind them marrying from another non-Igbo, Nigerian tribe, mind you we have hundreds of tribes in Nigeria. Even in my own home back in the day we heard the odd ignorant jibe and stereotype.
My sister is married to a Yoruba guy and all my brother in laws siblings are married to Igbos, both the ones in Nigeria and outside. My first boyfriend was Yoruba and we always teased eachother with tribal stereotypes.....lol
Many of my cousins in Nigeria are married to non Igbo's and many of my friends come from intertribal marriages and even inter faith marriages. My Yoruba and Hausa friends swear blind they must marry an Igbo guy......lol....well who can blame them really....lol
You are right that there are some who hold petty grudges, but one thing with Nigerians is that when crunch comes to crunch, we are family whether Yoruba or Igbo we stick together when we need to.
@ stickup....you have to admit some of you can be lazy mofos.......lol
Last edited on Friday May 11th, 2007 11:52 by chi
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AmeriJamCan
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 13:20 |
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@Melissa:
No, I know no one who allowed their grandmother or parents' prejudice to control their love life. Even Whites now intermarry with Blacks over their parents' objections (and have been doing so for ages). So, I don't think your friend is being for real. Perhaps she just doesn't find this Ghanaian dude to be attractive.
Last edited on Friday May 11th, 2007 13:21 by AmeriJamCan
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DSP
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 13:23 |
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stick-upKid wrote: comfortandjoy wrote: Incognito wrote: M - Believe me there are continental Africans who refuse to date continental Africans.
Exactly, anyone who has ever been around Nigerians (including the younger generation) will know how it is between Yoruba and Igbo's. I'm talking about deep-seated, longstanding distrust and ingrained attitudes towards people based on differing tribal heritage - and that does get in the way of personal/family relationships.
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C&J, shaddap, please!
Intra-Nigerian marriages are so common these days. Two members of my family are married to another ethnic group. Stop chatting negative crap.
I do agree with Incog, there are African women who refuse to date African men, but that's not an ethnic group thing. Its more like this feeling that African men are somehow...retro, backward, traditional, wife beating, lazy around the home etc...lol
I don't know where that perception comes from.... I've never hit a chick in my life
Never seen this on this side of the pond, must be a UK thing. Social fabric in the UK certainly is different.
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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 15:24 |
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She sounds like the type who would gladly jump at the chance to get with a wazungu. I have met quite a few caribbean people with this mind set. They will shout about african bubu's etc. Then shack up with any wazungu its sad. Its almost like they trying to "prove" they not African to anyone who will listen and by slating Africans and by going out with greys this proves it. I saw this a lot when I was at school even though it was majority white the black people who were there were mainly of caribbean origin. This put me off a lot of Caribbean people, until I went to Uni.
Your friend sounds like she has low self esteem, if she feels this wotless ex is all she deserves. The fact she was raving to you about the guy she works with says it all. She must like him/respect him on some level but is obviously scared that she will be treated nicely because she deep down doesnt feel like she deserves that. This stay away from African men sounds like a weak excuse. But she also on some level must believe what her gran told her?? Leave her to find happiness with a bluefoot since she gets on so well with them or to go back to wotless guy so he can put her in hospital if he didnt already
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Melissa
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 16:42 |
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blackbutterfly182 wrote:Your friend sounds like she has low self esteem, if she feels this wotless ex is all she deserves. The fact she was raving to you about the guy she works with says it all. She must like him/respect him on some level but is obviously scared that she will be treated nicely because she deep down doesnt feel like she deserves that. This stay away from African men sounds like a weak excuse. But she also on some level must believe what her gran told her??
BB - 100% agree with this, I don't understand why though, unless it was the violent relationship that made her this way, she is very outgoing, but now I think about it, she is more inclined to going to work do's than coming to a Studio Express dance with us..... hmmmmm.
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blaze
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 17:52 |
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blackbutterfly182 wrote: wazungu.
Where are you from butterfly?
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blaze
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 17:54 |
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Incognito wrote: and there are those in between, yeah they'll confess to having African ancestry...but they are not African...yeah they can all vibes up with their African friends but when it comes to certain and certain things just know they are not African.
To be honest that's fair play. They're not necessarily mocking Africa or think it's below them. No point trying to be something you're not.
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Incognito
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Posted: Friday May 11th, 2007 20:11 |
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