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Maat
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Posted: Saturday April 14th, 2007 11:28 |
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Greetings Brothers,
Amina and Derek have been together for 11 years. They have a two year old son and Amina wants to get back to a bit of fun the way she used to. Amina is unhappy/confused because lately Derek has been putting up a little protest at the fact that she's been going out a lot with her friends.
Amina says she's been spending time with her friends because she wants to go out more and actually wants to spend more time with Derek but Derek doesn't seem to want to go anywhere or do anything with her these days. Amina used to make more of an effort in their earlier days but it seems that since she's stopped arranging things for them to do, the two haven't really done much.
Both Derek and Amina have shared their views on how each other is behaving but they are at stalemate.
What can she (or he) do?
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Madam Butterfly
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Posted: Saturday April 14th, 2007 11:38 |
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was Derek always the "chill at home" type? seems like if, in the early days, it was Amina who had to arrange everything, then maybe he was.
If he really isn't into going out all the time and "nightlife" then i don't think he should be forced. it's not everybodys idea of a good time and it seems like he did make the effort to go out in the beginning (maybe he never arranged anything because it was not his scene so was not sure of where to go).
Perhaps now that they have been together for a while and have a child, he thinks its time to "settle down". They did all the going out in the early days where he had to compromise, so now its Aminas turn to compromise, at least until their child is a little older.
On the other hand, why not just compromise, say, two saturdays a month she goes out with her friends and two saturdays a month she goes out with Derek.
Maybe it is the type of places Amina wants to go that Derek has a problem with 
I know folks say "opposites attract" but there are some opposites in personality that can't be compromised over. If she appreciated staying at home once in a while and he appreciated going out once in a while, it might work. As it is, it seems like they BOTH feel like the have compromised and that is why they are at stalemate!
None of the above helps, does it?!?!
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Saturday April 14th, 2007 12:00 |
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Maat: i would suggest two things, first to start planning family holidays together, time away from the familar might spark some reflection on both sides.....and then continue when they return home..
Second what my wife and I did at a similar impass was to plan monthly dates each of us taking it in turns to arrange this date...so one month I took her out to say the theater, concert or the like then she would plan something the following month.
actually thinking about it we also during the summer made an enough to go to cafes or nice pubs on a weekday taking time off work.. and we also on the odd sundays went for walks around our locality, we usually got up at say 8-9am when it was still fair quiet and just walked around the scenic parts of our area....talking, observing and discovering stuff you don't usually pick up in the rush of the moment all things around like houses, we also take our bikes out and ride on the local bike trails...
basically doing fun stuff, that is affordable and does not require either party to be unde pressure...now what i liked about my sunday walks was that i could do this, keep her happy and still watch football in the pm....do you get my drift...
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Maat
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Posted: Saturday April 14th, 2007 13:58 |
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@Madam Butterfly: What you said does make sense. What if though Amina doesn't just rave she actually goes for a meal or to a show and wants to do the same with Derek? Do you think she should forget igoing out and settle for staying home more with their son?
@Kunjufu: Do you think Amina and Derek will be able to do those things you mentioned with a young child? Could Derek have just lost interest in her?
Last edited on Saturday April 14th, 2007 14:00 by Maat
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"If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence you have won even before you have started."
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blessingfromgod
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Posted: Saturday April 14th, 2007 21:02 |
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Dont think Derek has lost interest in Amina, think he's just stuck in a rutt, a boring one at that. I would go places that used to interest the couple, initially a fav of Dereks - dust off the cobwebs he is prob feeling envious that Amina still got her get up and go! Try to help him recapture his youth - if you know what I mean. Get a baby sitter, but by no means should you settle. Also maybe talk to his buddies about getting him out to do mannish stuff, when you out with the girls. Good Luck.
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Backatya
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Posted: Sunday April 15th, 2007 19:23 |
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Maat
Sometimes sitting down and talking about it doesn't achieve anything as both parties are more locked into saying what they have to say, airing their complaints, rather than listening to the other....."It's always the other party who is being unreasonable!" Right?
Suggest the following to them:
That they each list down on a piece of paper, all the things they would like from the other, or for the other to do (e.g. take me out to dinner once a week, dress up for dinner, wake me up with a kiss and a cuddle....whatever). Try to be as specific as possible in describing the things you want the other to do. Avoid simply saying things like "show more interest in me".
Compile the list without talking about it, just write it down with total honesty, without thought of whether it is something you think the other would be willing to do anyway.
Give each other their list (without studying or commenting on it at the time) for each to digest at their leisure....but don't take months to get around to it, you know what I mean?
Each studies the others list and then write down all the things from the list that he/she will be willing/happy to do for 'their part'. Without comment or judgement, just simply write down what they would be willing to do.
They then give each other back their response for the other to study. Agree a time to set aside when both will sit down and discuss each others response. Now the real dialogue begins.
At least, based on the others response, each party will know if there is actually any hope of a meaningfull compromise to the dilemma in their relationship. Afterall, if neither agrees to do anything on the other's list, I would think there is little hope for the relationship.
Respect
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Maat
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Posted: Sunday April 22nd, 2007 17:41 |
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@blessingfromgod: Derek does sound a bit dry doesn't he. What doesn't quite add up is why he doesn't want her to go out or to do anything with her either that's why I asked the brothers.
@Backatya: Some great suggestions I like how practical they seem.
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Marcus Mosiah Garvey
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