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Father Figure
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| Joined: | Monday December 15th, 2003 |
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Posted: Friday March 10th, 2006 00:31 |
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| I am at a place in my life where i dont know what to do. My mother is suffering from demensia alzimerz. this was a woman who used to motivate me and my brother to believe in our selves, she brought us up to resect everyone including those who disliked us for whatever reason, she respected all and never said a bad word against anyone, now she barely recognises me or my brother. The major problem I have is that there doesn't seem to much help for people from the black community, no support groups or anything like that is there anyone out there that is in the same position ot has experinced something like this.
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WarmEmbrace
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| Joined: | Tuesday August 19th, 2003 |
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Posted: Friday March 10th, 2006 11:00 |
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Hello father figure
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this traumatic time in your life; believe me when I say I feel it for you. I regularly visit these forums and , although I have rarely posted, I was particularly drawn to your post for some reason.
Although I have not had first hand experience, in that a parent, sibling or child has suffered any mental deterioration nor have I been a carer in this regard, I do have two family members who have been affected. One has suffered from Alzheimer’s for some 10+ years now and the other died quite a long time ago as a result of a mental illness. Both these family members are my mother’s siblings and were very close to us. I watched one, a very proud, dignified and affluent individual, turn into someone who walked in the streets dirty and half naked, talking to themselves and abusing others; one day they would be absolutely normal and in the next breath ‘gone mad.’ The other was an international sportsperson, renown throughout the world to this day. They travelled the world and beat the best in their field and on retirement from professional competition went into business and was very successful. Sadly, they too fell prey to Alzheimer’s and the rest is history. That individual is not even a shadow of their former self; they can no longer speak but just babbles and pulls faces.
You are right, there are nowhere near enough support groups/networks with a focus on black mental health issues, and indeed our elderly, which is something that needs major redress. If they are out there, they are not accessible enough and need to review their marketing and awareness strategies to ensure that they can be accessed by all who seek them.
Notwithstanding the above, I’m sure you need look no further than amongst your nearest and dearest for support and comfort. My family member suffering from Alzheimer’s has torn my family apart, with certain members not even speaking to each other anymore. Why? Because of lack of communication. Everybody was trying to deal with it in their own way, no one confided in each other or shared the burden. Each thought it was a road they had to travel on their own and went about it just so. I suppose it came to a point when they all found it difficult to come together to converse, make plans, share the responsibility for their care and find solace in each other.
I recall on the ‘Proposals’ thread recently you remarked you had a ‘good woman’; is she assisting in any way? I know she cannot make your mother better, but she can provide a multitude of support to you, your mother and perhaps other family members at a time like this. It is very easy to unintentionally shut out the ones we hold most dear in times of crisis as we are blinded by what we are facing, but it is imperative that you try to include them as best as possible at every stage. Firstly, because every decision you make and step you take will affect not only you but them and most people in your life. Your pain, is her/their pain. Whether you decide to care for your mother personally or see to it that she receives the best care that money can buy, your partner needs to be considered, as it will change both your lives forever. You may very well alienate yourself from usual daily routines as you constantly slip/drift into your own world to deal with things. Again, this should be avoided otherwise you will feel you are alone and the only one dealing with it. Your partner and other family members may begin to feel inadequate, useless and redundant to some extent, as their attempts to assist in any way may be unconsciously shunned by you.
What I am trying to say is that support and gestures of goodwill can come in many forms Father Figure; it may be the many hugs and handshakes extended to you; the messages and words of encouragement encountered along the way; those who attempt to keep some sense of ‘normality’ around you and even the hot meals, clean shirts and open arms at the end of a hard day from your ‘good woman’.
Look no further than the person standing in front of you offering their assistance and support Father Figure; they may not be medical experts but you will be surprised at the amount of emotional and spiritual support they can give at a time like this.
I truly hope you find the strength and courage to come to terms with your mum’s illness and continue to care for her and, most importantly, guidance and solace in those who love and care for you.
Peace & Blessings
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Friday March 10th, 2006 12:18 |
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father Figure....One of my first jobs was to care for elders...and I know from that experience just how difficult it was for family members to come to terms with their parents who physically/mentally changed in front of them...I feel for you because its difficult and thats putting it mildly..
However I do know that in Lambeth back in the 80's and 90' that they set up a Old people's home specifically for Black Elders who were by that time becoming more prominent...Can i suggest you contact Lambeth Social services because they might have an idea about Black support groups in this area.. also you could try Age concern too...
If you've not done so already please ensure that you get assessed under the Carers recognition Act 1995.. you family as carers would be entitled to support and depending on where you live they may have addition support structures to relieve the pressure on carers like yourselves.. ie carers breaks, in home respite services things like that...don't be afffraid or too proud to ask, your parents worked all their lives and its time they got something back...
Also Father Figure, if your mother has the type of dementia where she wonders off, then you should also enquire whether there is any adaptations that could be fitted to your home, to allow you to manage her care more effectively..
I hope that bit helps if you've got a specific query..please say or pm me...I might not know but I can ask around ok..
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African heart, African mind
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