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The Watcher
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Posted: Monday January 3rd, 2005 17:05 |
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Last edited on Thursday August 18th, 2005 23:49 by The Watcher
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Sage
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Posted: Monday January 3rd, 2005 20:51 |
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Bro...there are several things you can do...first leave him alone and let him hit bottom, which will be very difficult given the way you feel about him, or you can try an intervention but from reading the background on your story, it doesn't appear you have many peeps to pull off an intervention with.
Unfortunately, excluding yourself, your friend seems to be surrounded by enablers and folks who are in denial and although they mean well, they are doing him the most harm. It seems like your friend needs a change of environment.
I have been there bro...you can talk to the cows come home and plead and beg and they wont get it until something bad happens, usually an illness, loss of friends, and family, jail time, etc...
We use to think that if we loved them more it would make the problem go away and it didn't, we use to think if we looked the other way and pretended nothing was wrong, it would make the problem go away and it was still there...What stopped them?.... a combination of prayers, and tough love from a far, (phone contact but no sanction or support of their lifestyle), a ton of misfortune, and in one family member's case, it was a fatal illness as a result of his drug abuse.
But in the end, they have to arrive at that place where they themselves acknowledge they have a problem, for some folks it happens quickly, unfortunately for others it doesn't.
I know you may feel like pulling your hair out because you can see how this person is destroying himself and he can't, however he has to eventually see that on his own in order to accept and want help and that's difficult for some people to have to face the truth about themselves.
Good luck my brother.
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Nuwana
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Posted: Monday January 3rd, 2005 21:56 |
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I was in a smilar situtation, a couple of years ago. my advice is let him be, cause the more u go on, the less he will listen, and will always make excuses as to why he is taking the drugs. its sounds harsh,but he is gonna have to realise himself what he is doin to his life and body. All u can do, is to b their 4 him, and when he decides he wants 2 change, thats when u gently encourage and support him. he has change cause he wants 2. PEACE.
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blaklikeme
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Posted: Monday January 3rd, 2005 23:05 |
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| I am really sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you . It is a horrible thing when you want to save a friend but they won't grap the lifeline. And the sad thing is crack is so additive if he starts taking it regularly, it will be very hard for him to get of, and it's obvious he won't have the funds to maintain the habit for more than a minute. Do as much as you can without jeapordizing yourself hence tempting yourself with drugs. Try and take him out sometimes, to inspiring places get him out of his environment, show him theres more to the world than his seeing.
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 12:03 |
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Stick by him, because he needs at least one positive inspiration around him who is not an enabler...
To be honest all you can do is be a beacon... and with gentle encouragement eventually he may come around... but the advice given already is correct... you can be there but he will change only because he wants to help himself...
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 12:10 |
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| DM I was going to ask do all of the mutual friends involved use recreational drugs to the extent that your friend does? or is he alone the heaviest user?
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facetygal
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 14:41 |
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My uncle was a drug addict, don't know how he got started on it, don't know how he got himself off it. My mum is a mental health social worker and I know at some point she got involved but I don't know what she did, I think she may have sectioned him. Sorry if the details are vague but I didn't care to sit down and talk to my mum about it (the family is f**ked up like that).
But if I was in drunkmonkey's position I would go to a drug rehab centre and speak to someone. I would ask them to go and meet my friend or lure my friend there under false pretences. I know my friend would be vex and ting but I think once he sat down and talked he would realise that I only did it cos I loved and cared so much. Or I would try and work it out so I would stay at my friend's house a few nights a week or he comes to mine so I can keep a better eye on him, and ward off the lowlifes that come to check him. Better if he comes to my house cos then I could tell him to not smoke that sh*t in my yard and it would be too cold for him to do it outside.
His mind would have to be occupied at all times so he won't feel the need to take drugs or smoke weed, a good way to do that is to get him involved in some kind of activity. Say u wanna start up a project and u need help with it, or find out as much as u can about the things he wanted to do when he left school, try and get him on a course or something. Try and make sure whatever he does it's something u can both do together.
If u decide not to take the route of getting him to a rehab centre then don't mention drugs or weed in his presence again. The more time u spend with him and he feels like ur not on his case about it, the more he will trust u enough to give u information freely.
Whatever u do good luck and keep us posted
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 15:23 |
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DrunkMonkey.. read your comments and to be honest my advice is that you are the one who will have to make the choices now.. you need to decide whether you are going to invest any more time, energy and probably money no this 'friend'.
I hear what you saying about his personality but the truth of the matter is that the issue isn't about the him being nice..drugs is an equal opportunities destroyer it doesn't care who or what you are..take it and it will take you fullstop.
The issue isn't in my view even about the drugs your friend is taking, because if he stopped taking cocaine tomorrow he would be addicted to someting else in its place.. The issue is as you have graphically described, is his relationship to his addiction and the forces that maintain that addictions.. In this regard unless you friend recognises that he is using drugs to mask an underlying problem, he simply cannot be helped in the way you want.
Even if he does recognise that he has a problem, the problem then becomes does he then have the strenght of character to turn intention into reality. The prblem with addicts is that they are absolute experts on the effects of drugs and how it makes them feel and more importantly how it will eventually destroy them.
Problem you friend has and you will have if you stick around is that, what you are asking him to do is currently beyond his ability, and it maybe that he will never be able to make that leap of faith. Think about it, you are NOt asking to give up drugs, you are in effect asking him to give a whole lifestyle that he thinks is maintaining his sanity, you ask a man/woman to give up their comforter for what exactly? Good intentions, the promise of a better tomorrow or life itself..Sorry to tell you that if their self esteem was that strong they would not be on drugs..
Until your friend recognises that he has an underlying personality issue feeding his addiction, he is prepared to revited the historic reasons for that addiction and most importantly make the serious life changes that is require to rehabilitate, you simply cannot help him..and all you will achieve is creating an opportunity for him to evetually abuse you in everyway possible..
My advice give him the imformation of where he can get help, then walk away.
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Mantings
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 15:46 |
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@ DM
Sorry to here about your freind. I think the best thing for you to do is write a letter to him outlining your concerns and let him know that you love and respect him as a freind, tell him that you believe in him and don't want to see him destroy his life, let him know that no matter what happens you will always be his freind and point out that you believe he has enough will power to give up.
Tell him keep the letter and only return it to you if he decides to give up the drugs and improve his Life.
And of course let him know that you will help as best you can.
P.S It worked with one of my friends so it just might work for yours.
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Cims
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 22:47 |
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Last edited on Saturday April 30th, 2005 13:02 by Cims
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 22:58 |
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Cims: thank you..I think it was quite brave of you to share this story....in some ways it just underlines the point i was making to DM. That unless that person recognises the relationship the underpins their drug taking..then all that will happen is that they will be a seriel emotional vampire..sucking the energy and goodwill of their victims until they can tek it no more..then they will move onto the next victim..
What people need to realise is that Crack is NOT heroin, you cannot detox of this drug in the same way.. What you have is someone chasing, trying to replicate the inital high the got off their first hit... The facts is it is impossible to recapture that buzz and all they will do in destroying themselves looking for the next buzz is destroy anyone who flies to close to them...
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Mafdet
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 23:14 |
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@DM
I'm going to be brief I think you should try two approaches that was suggested her already. First spend some time with your friend take him out and show him there is more to life. Then on another trip take him to a centre where he can see the full effects of drug taking and then after that give him a bundle of leaflets etc where he can go to get help. . Show him he makes the choices as to how his life will end up and which path he will choose to take. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET DRAGGED DOWN AS WELL IF HE CHOOSES THE WRONG PATH!!!!!
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Ijexa
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 23:25 |
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@DM
***Shakes head***
Feel fi yah...
But... don't ever support your friend as a friend... if who he is has become warped by drugs...
***Shakes head***
And I ain't even talking about di weed... a tenner will... I think... still buy you an eighth...?
***Shrugs shoulders***
But my knowledge if such things is way outta date...
No... help your friend... through a little time... without putting yourself on the line... and just by meking sure that he has food... is warm... etc...
***Shakes head***
There is no more that you can actually do... other than help do the basic neccessities...
...That's all...
You can't do it for someone else... even if they have everything running in their favour...
Just... be there... no matter how irregular the frequency... so that without offering... he knows that help is there if he needs it...
And... don't ever... do anything more to actively support him on the path of life that he's chosen to take...
IjexaLast edited on Tuesday January 4th, 2005 23:27 by
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday January 4th, 2005 23:37 |
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DrunkMonkey: I hear what you saying about the 'i can control it' syndrome, this is actually part of the delusion drug taking creates where people imagine that can seriously control and addiction..
When dealing with addictive personalities one must not preach or try to take responsibilty away from the addict, for them to realise they must face the consequences of their action no matter how harsh it maybe... You cannot, should not and must not rescue them from the consequences of their actions...
What you communicate with them do not run or hide the truth, set firm bounderies for your friendship and your association and do not compromise these bounderies EVER!!
When they chat fart, rephrase and then reflect their fart foolishness back to them and then leave it with them to think about less is more...
Lastly never tell an addict what they have to do and expect them to do it, you need to break it down into small steps, remember its not just about giving up drugs its about changing their lives, ie what they eat, where they lives, who they associate with and how not to put themselves in vulnerable situations that will trigger relapse.. But most of all its about replacing the void that drug taking creates with something else...remembering that at every stages that the addict must want to change and has to be motivated to make that change you cannot make or force that change upon them..
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Posted: Wednesday January 5th, 2005 14:01 |
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@DM
sorry to hear
When I was in school my bestfriend started smoking weed, then moved onto E, Trips, then Boy and eventually the desturctive Girl.
now i was in a situation that I wanted advice and told my parents. obviously they banned me from being around her.
So I ignored her at the wishes for my parents, and my friend was hurst, she needed help and i was not their for her.
Last thing I heard is that she is a prostituate
I feel bad, I should'ave helped her, she is middle class, privatly educated , smart and pretty , yet still got wrapped up............so it can get anyone not just "inner city" areas.
If I was you I would take the tough love approach and help him by force, he will appreciate it in the future.
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BlackMatta
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Posted: Sunday January 9th, 2005 22:10 |
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Last edited on Sunday February 26th, 2006 20:22 by
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LadyDay
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Posted: Monday January 10th, 2005 16:35 |
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thats so sad, i pray his life will turn aorund....
mm it is hard one as i know many weed smokers but when someone turns to hard drugs there issomething they are not happy about and the drug masks that. whatever you do still be his friend even when he hits rock bottom. be that personhe can turn to....
sorry no further advise
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Posted: Monday January 10th, 2005 16:57 |
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Lock him off
simple
most weed smokers are idiots (exept big man dem)
that stuff they bunnin aint even "weed"
is triple stegnth bollox grown in a lab
far what the the great bob marley used to roll
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Posted: Monday January 10th, 2005 19:51 |
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Last edited on Sunday February 26th, 2006 20:21 by
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basic_meo
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Posted: Thursday February 10th, 2005 11:45 |
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Thanks for that. Recently heard a girl I knew back in the day... same thing. On the game. But I havent seen her for years so its kinda not real to me yet.
I know what you are passing through my good friend is on it as well, the only thing I am worry about is that you should not be affected like been down, it is sad to see a friend going into that hole and it very difficult to make them to be aware of it... what I should say to you not different from what others have said before is to take heart be strong let go to his way but you should away be edible voice to him when ever you speak to him. don't stop seen him if you can but make it clear to him that, that sh**t should not be arround you whe you have to sse him bro. take it serious but don't let it destroy you.
"--give a seed to a wise poor man he will cultivate it and reap more fruith and spread it to others, but if he failed to use it wisely he will not blame any one because he had the seed...if he try and failed he will be paedon and can try again because he is not a failure"
--Basic
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Quiet Lady
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Posted: Tuesday April 12th, 2005 22:36 |
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I was in a similar position with my childhood friends, their house was like my second home and I was always there in the room having a laugh with them I was always the one that did not do drugs whilst everyone else would do anything in sight. No matter what I said to them they did not listen......I basically had to distance myself from them for a while because I could not take them destroying themselves like that.
We have recently got back in touch I am glad that at least two of them are trying to sort themselves out. 1 is trying to find work and the other is not doing anyform of drugs as 'they' had turned to islam. Unfortunately there is one other in the household that continues to abuse themself.
I think these situations are very hard to judge and to be honest no matter what good intentions you may have the abuser needs to acknowledge and want to help themself or they will not accept any help.
I would aslo suggest contacting soem of teh advice lines they may be able to offer you some pratical help or further advice.
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Quiet Lady
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Posted: Wednesday April 13th, 2005 21:10 |
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@drunkmonkey unfortunately no.....they do not get on at all which is a shame!!!! I have tried to advise them and help them to recitfy their situation, even when their dad passed away a couple of years ago I thought that this would have made them sit up and take note not to waste their life, but it seems not to have made a difference. I just see it as a waste of life as they had a very good job many years ago and now seems to just waste the day sitting around smoking. 
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