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SexyLisa
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 05:42 |
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Hi I am a 23 years old and currently living in the West Indies, I was born in England my parents left England when I was 12 years old and my sis was fouteen they were retired and decided to return home. My mom has six kids and my dad has nine they are age range from 38 to about 45 and live in england with there children we left them there when we moved here to live. The problem is that i would like to return to england to live but i am very concerned about my parents life is not going very well here for me i live on a small island quite island were jobs are hard to find if there is any at all and to tell u the truth i dont even see myself living here in the near future. My parents are 65 and 72 both of them have complications one has diabetes and the other has heart trouble although they are quite mobile(can help themselves) they would probably need a little help here and there. I and my sis were away in england for three years going to college and decided to return home that was two years ago i I was on two minds on whether i should return home or not but i did so anyway i enjoy england very much and consider it my home u no i still have my english accent as well! Anyway i would like u guys to tell me what u wold do in this situation i have spoken to a few persons and there like u have ur life to live and there have lived theres and so and so on, and the others are like stay and make life here they are ur parents one person even stated as soon as u go up one of them is going to die or take sick cos of the stress on them which scares me a lot please help!
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Happiness
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 10:56 |
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This shouldn't be a hard question for you and you dont need to come to Blacknet to know what it is you should do.
If I were in your situation I would stay and enjoy my parent because their years on this earth are numbered. You are a very young woman and with the grace of God, many years ahead of you. There will come a day when your parents will die and you will wish for every moment that you lost with them.
England is not going anywhere and more importantly England is not your home. Your parents gave you the best gift in the world when they took you back "home" -- you probaly dont appreciate it now...but you will oneday.
accents are just accessories....You are what you are...and my dear, you are not English
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SexyLisa
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 14:31 |
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I understand where ur coming to tell u the truth my mind keeps on changing all the time.I am just not happy am not saying i dont love my parents I do love them but things just are not working out too good for me where i live a lot of young people are travelling out to biggger countries and so on to look for a future. My parents left there parents when they were the same age to look for a future in England they were there for over forty years and if it wasnt for england they would not be where there are now.
I hope am not sounding selfish cos i really do care for them but i just need to look for myself now i have only one life to live, if it was just one of them living here i would not think of doing that but they have each other and like i said are quite mobile. They have lived there lives and now i just think that it is time to live mine and besides my mother has six children and my father has nine all the others live in england except me and my sis, why should all the responsibility be left on the two young ones?? it just doesnt seem fair if one of the was to take sick all 6 or 9 of us children should work together after all they did bring us all into the world not just two of us and at the end everybody is looking for ther share of what there parents have.
I made a joke to one of my older sisters in england and said why dont u come down and take care of them and give me and my sis a chance she said "I have my life up here" meaning she has her life in egland i have my life to but am making a sacrifice.
And also i do consider my self to be english as i spent the first twelve years of my life there and threee years going to college there and i go backward and forward all the time.
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Happiness
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 15:58 |
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Wow...
Not often am I left speechless.
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then you haven't even begun to think about what it means to be human" ~ Dr C.T.Vivian
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BlaQwoman
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 16:12 |
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Hi sexyLisa , what about talking with your other brothers and sisters and all of you coming together to maybe pay for a maid / nurse or even a relative to look after your parents .Then u can return from time to time to visit them and see how they are ?
Just an idea.
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SexyLisa
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 17:16 |
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| I hope i wasnt the one to leave u speechless
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SexyLisa
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 17:23 |
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| Thanks very much for ur advice but my parents are not that very much in need for a carer or nurse they are MOBILE its just that i am concerned considering there are my parents and the complicatins that they have. When the time does come for them to need that much help i would be there carer even if i have to bring them to england with me.
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~*OPINIONATED*~
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 20:20 |
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I can't tell you what to do...but if I ever happen to be in your position I would drop everything, love, money, job, education and my life if necessary! I would move country and settle for anything...I had my issues with my parents when I was young...but I hope to God I'll never see the day I will find them a burden on me...I think its the way I (and many other Africans) are raised. This is imo the white/European mentality of finding them a burden on you, a obstacle and just dropping them in a old people's home and not worry about it...I could never do such a thing to my parents...they put me on this earth, cared for me, worried about me, protected me and sold their personal belongs to get me and my siblings out of a war torn country, educated me, clothed and fed me, they taught me about life and they disciplined me...to me caring for them for a couple of years doesn't nearly repay all that they did for me!
They didn't have to do any of those things for me...as a muslim I'm taught that paradise is at the feet of your mother and if I don't treat my parents as the King and Queen they are I will never set foot in paradise...plus I love and care for them alot...as long as I and my siblings are on this earth they won't go without...
Just my opinion on this subject...
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SexyLisa
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 20:41 |
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| Thanks very much for your reply maybe i should really reconsider what i am thinking of doing and put my parents first. I would probably go to england and worry sick about them anyway
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~*OPINIONATED*~
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 21:20 |
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You're welcome hon...I didn't mean to change your mind...just to throw a different perspective at you.
I'm only 3 years younger than you, my mom is 45 and my dad is 49. They are both healthy and still young in mind and body...at this moment they don't need any help or caring for them...but if they ever do I'm there for them. They are planning on moving back home after my three youngest siblings start uni (or even before this) (they are 12, 8 and 6) If anything happened to them I'll be the one taking care of my parents and siblings. Ofcourse I would share the responsibilities with my other siblings.
That is why I think you and your brothers and sisters should get together and discuss this...they can't just drop this on you and your sister. Don't decide on anything before you talk to them...they might be willing to support you financially or in other ways. Maybe one of them IS willing to care for them...you never know until you discuss this with them and put your point accross...but this is going to be difficult, if you want to go to England and your siblings don't want to move to the WI. You all have to compromise. Your parents moved back home because I assume they love it there. Moving them is a bad idea imo...they are old and probably want to die and be buried at home...not in some white country. Respect their rights...have you asked them about this? They do have say in this...
Btw Enlgand isn't that great...don't understand your desire to move here. Life isn't supposed to be fair and you are wasting time looking at other people and envying them...Life throws all sorts of problems and dilemmas at us...none are too big to deal with...its the way we deal with them that will determine how "great" our life can be. Don't look at this as a problem but as a challenge...you reckon you can't make a living there...why not give it your best shot? You won't know till you try...
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Happiness
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 21:28 |
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@ Opininated...and you're only 20? WOW ... (2nd time I have been speechless on this thread!!) You are wise beyond your years...
Your parents should be proud of the outstanding child that they have raised....
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~*OPINIONATED*~
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 22:24 |
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*Blushes*
Thank you Hapiness. As you say it all reflects on my parents...I'm forever grateful to them for all they did for me and the way they raised me. I have a big closeknit family...I love each and one of them. Raising and growing up with my youngest brothers and sister made me realise how hard it is and how much parents give us...caring for them in later life is nothing compared to that.
Yes, I do hope they are proud of me...so should your parents be. There aren't many of us ready to give up our cosy and comfortable life to care for our parents if ever needed.
We should have an appreciation thread dedicated to African parents...the best parents in the world!
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Happiness
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 22:28 |
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@ Opinionated - that sounds like great idea! 
Why dont you start it?
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If you think that the only way you can survive is in the misuse of people,
then you haven't even begun to think about what it means to be human" ~ Dr C.T.Vivian
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SexyLisa
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 22:33 |
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I have spoken to my parents and told them what i plan to do and they both agree that i should go ahead as they dont want to feel that they are holding us back in life but i guess u never no if they really mean it or not. They also stated that when they were my age they were not here and always knew that we would make up our minds one day.
I have also spoken to my other siblings and know that they wont give up what they have in england they keep stating that we are the ones to look after them and thats what they bought us into this world for to take care of them and so on and so on. And besides that they have been here a few times on vacation and always say that they could not live here not until they are retired, so i no its a big NO on that one.
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Fredblack
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Posted: Saturday December 4th, 2004 23:15 |
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@Happiness said"Wow...
Not often am I left speechless.
I wish I could say the same my sister even though why you would say so is so obvious. Even though I have rarely heard about people with so many children being left in that position but it is not unheard of.
But I think there is far more to this story than meets the eye. These must be some of the most selfish children I have heard of or there is much more to it than that.
One of the problems which may not relate to this but may well relate to the fact that these children are not from common mother and father and something our parents warned us about.
We have no idea what the dymanics or what is going on there. But a divided house cannot stand.
@Sexy Lisa. I feel it for you and that is honest because for some reason your elder brothers and sisters really have abandoned their basic duties. Why is another matter and it also suggest your sibblings relationship to their home country is very very weak. So there isso many things that strike me.Shame you consider yourself English when teh majority of Caribbean people here do not and you are abandon your home to come here. How do you know your brothers and sisters here are going to help you settle here etc. Because speaking personally if your parents are decent people who did their best for thier kids and they behave like this in their old age. I would personally stay miles from them because if you can abandon your parents god knows what they would to others.
But you will do what you think is best for you.
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SexyLisa
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Posted: Sunday December 5th, 2004 12:20 |
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Am stressed to stressed to think about it now.I think am just going to stay with my parents after all they are the ones who bought us into the world we cant all neglect them like that. After they have gone i would have nobody to care for me to love me or to look out for me like them. So i might as well enjoy the time i have left with them i never no how short or how long it may be.
I will still try discussing it with my siblings but i no it wont change anything they would never live her i no it they dont like this place, not to live anyway i just cant see them giving up there lives to come down here to live thats why they rely on us to be there to look after them. I just cant see it happening.
I guess they are selfish sometimes i wonder what life would be like for my parents if me and my sis were not here anyway thats another story.
When i was planning on going to england i wasnt planning on staying with them for too long i was going to get my own place as i have had bad experiences with them before and learnt from that
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facetygal
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Posted: Monday December 6th, 2004 00:56 |
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@ sexylisa
My grandparents are about the same age as ur parents, they have been living in jamaica by themselves for x amount of years and they are fine. Yes my grandad is very very ill, but if push comes to shove their children can jump on a plane and be with them in no time. You only get one life and it's precious, for all u know (heaven forbid) it could end tomorrow, so u have to do what u can while u can. If it means u leaving the country and leaving ur parents behind then so be it. If they were decent parents they wouldn't want to hold u back anyway, they would support ur decision to leave. Your parents never bought u in this world to spend ur life looking after them, or for them to live their life through u. It isn't fair that u stay behind and all ur other brothers and sisters get to lead the life they want, but even if u were an only child I would still say to do what u want. Follow ur heart and do what u feel is right for u, not other people.
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AfriCariBrit
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Posted: Monday December 6th, 2004 08:16 |
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@ Facetygal - Please don't take this the wrong way... but above when you say your Granddad is "very ill" and then in the next breath say "if push comes to shove"... i don't really follow you... does "when push comes to shove" not mean 'when things get bad (or something like that) and if so... how does your Granddad being "very ill" not constitute as "push coming to shove"... and to that matter... what does constitute as push coming to shove... are you saying "when Granddad dies or three days before"... one of his children will be there? ... Coz for me that begs the question of "what for?"...
... I hear what your saying about having to live your own life, but I'm not sure what life is about if not to care for, live for, and love the people closest to you, and aside from your children, you don't get no closer than your parents (or at least IMO you shouldn't)... I'd rather have some true quality time with a living relative than a few days before their life ends... I hope you're not offended by what I say Sis as I mean you no offense... Both my Grandmothers died recently and the loss I feel is still unbelievably raw... I'd give anything to have a little more time with them...
You're right when you say decent parents wouldn't want to hold you back... but in the situation outlined above, I don't see it so much as holding anyone back but taking life forward and doing what you have to and should want to do...
My mum says when she becomes too troublesome I should put her in a care home... she's even got the money put aside for it from now... I tell her that she's been too troublesome since I was four and anyway no home would have her... I honestly look forward to the day I can care for my parents... I see it as my birthright and I wont be denied it for anything or anyone.
Peace
Last edited on Monday December 6th, 2004 08:18 by AfriCariBrit
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Parris
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Posted: Monday December 6th, 2004 19:12 |
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This happened to my mother. I was living in Japan at the time and my mother was very ill...what did I do. Dropped everything and flew home. I sat down with my mother and father and told them that I would be leaving the military and coming home.
My father would hear nothing of it. "Leave the military if you want, but we raised you to be a man, and now that it was you need to do". My father told me that if he needed me he knew how to get a hold of me.
What all of us did was each month we paid for a nurse to visit the house. It worked for awhile and then my father adamantly refused. So we all bought Open airline tickets and each time something happened we took turns flying home. This worked at great. This past year I was in Iraq when my mother became very itll. It took the military 8 days to get me home but I made it to talk to my mother one last time. To hear her tell me she was proud of me, of all of us. And then she died.
Afterwards I spoke to my father he told me that the time when all of us were around, worrying, agonizing, my mother was fighting cancer and fighting the worry of her children. He told me that though I was not around, my mother did not feel as though she had become a burden on us.
Listen, you are a young woman and I can't tell you want to do. One that I can say is that you have to make sure you parents are taken care of. Make sure that should they need you, you are available to assist them. If you decide to leave your first purchase should be airline tickets…so that should the phone ring..BAM! You are home.
It doesn't matter if you think you are British, or African, or whatever, what matters is that you have a responsibility to your parents as their child……..keep that in mind when you make your choice…THAT..is much more important that what nation you claim.
PaRrIs
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facetygal
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Posted: Tuesday December 7th, 2004 02:25 |
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AfriCariBrit wrote: @ Facetygal - Please don't take this the wrong way... but above when you say your Granddad is "very ill" and then in the next breath say "if push comes to shove"... i don't really follow you... does "when push comes to shove" not mean 'when things get bad (or something like that) and if so... how does your Granddad being "very ill" not constitute as "push coming to shove"... and to that matter... what does constitute as push coming to shove... are you saying "when Granddad dies or three days before"... one of his children will be there? ... Coz for me that begs the question of "what for?"...
My grandma doesn't get along with all of her children for some reason or another, she would rather cut off her nose to spite her face. We get info about my granddad third, fourth or fifth hand (very rarely second hand) so sometimes we don't know how ill he is until it's too late. My grandma is the type of person who will call after my granddad has had the stroke and has come home from hospital. Of course as soon as one of my aunties or uncles hear the news arrangements are made to fly to jamaica as quickly as possible. Thats push coming to shove.
... I hear what your saying about having to live your own life, but I'm not sure what life is about if not to care for, live for, and love the people closest to you, and aside from your children, you don't get no closer than your parents (or at least IMO you shouldn't)... I'd rather have some true quality time with a living relative than a few days before their life ends... I hope you're not offended by what I say Sis as I mean you no offense... Both my Grandmothers died recently and the loss I feel is still unbelievably raw... I'd give anything to have a little more time with them...
It's coming up to the 1st yr anniversary of my other grandma's death, and it's because of her why I wrote on my signature: "life's too short for shoulda, coulda, woulda, but didn't". I know I shoulda spent more time with my grandma when she was alive but I can't change that, what I can change is how I live the rest of my life and I know that would be good enough for my grandma. If sexylisa stays with her parents she is only living half of her life and if she doesn't try to go for the things she wants she will always be filled with "what if's".
You're right when you say decent parents wouldn't want to hold you back... but in the situation outlined above, I don't see it so much as holding anyone back but taking life forward and doing what you have to and should want to do...
My parents aren't exactly in good health either, but If I had the opportunity to live in another country I know they would want me to take it, if it meant that I was living a better life. I think if I stayed I'd probably end up being of no use to my parents anyway. My mother is always complaining about how tired and mash up I look, and how I'm too young to be working shifts etc. So even if I wanted to stay with my parents I don't think they would let me.
My mum says when she becomes too troublesome I should put her in a care home... she's even got the money put aside for it from now... I tell her that she's been too troublesome since I was four and anyway no home would have her... I honestly look forward to the day I can care for my parents... I see it as my birthright and I wont be denied it for anything or anyone.
Just because u are not in the same country as ur parents it should never stop u from loving and caring for them. My aunties and uncles go to jamaica every yr, my parents go as often as they can, and my grandparents was recently in this country for 6mths. Sexylisa can do this with her parents, it's not like she's gonna leave the country and cut off all ties with them
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