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Laila_Jai
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 15:44 |
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OK .. where do I start?
I've re-typed this message so many times .. this is such a complicated story but I desperately want to keep it simple so people will actually read it! OK, here goes ...
I'm a Scottish 25-year-old who met a Nigerian 27-year-old at the end of June 2003.
And this Monday I found out he had a marriage of convenience in April this year - one month before I moved out of the flat in which we were living together.
I moved out because of problems in the relationship, but discovered I couldn't let go of him. We have never split up. I do love him, but now it's just got out of hand - I don't think I can handle the lies and betrayal after finding this out.
I was trying to deal with THIS situation when yesterday he told me he would have to go and live with her - she wouldn't have married him unless he did that .. but for now he's been making excuses not to.
And the reason she wants him to live with her is because .. the marriage was not for convenience on her part - she actually wanted to marry him .. she wants him .. she likes him. Which makes me think they must know each other quite well. How well, I wonder .. though he claims he's never slept with her (oh, thanks .. that makes me feel loads better). And how did they decide to get married .. do African men get down on one knee .. did HE?!
I can't believe I'm in this situation .. and I do know I could just leave him .. but my heart is stronger than my head. And that is so frustrating, because my head is telling me "You're so stupid .. why are you staying with him?!" even as I write this message!
My boyfriend is married to someone he claims he doesn't even like .. but the woman wants him. I understand being on a visa is hard .. and some people will do anything to sort themselves out .. but what about the consequences on other people involved. I try to talk to him about this, but he just doesn't seem to see how much he's hurt me.
I saw photos of the wedding day - it kills me to think of the one taken in our flat - celebrating in our flat whilst I was out working - then I come home to an empty home, as usual. I thought the smiles were all fake - but it tears me up inside to know hers were real. And after all the lies, how can I believe him when he says his weren't?!
I know a relationship without trust is never going to work .. but he makes me feel like it's my fault. We had talked about marriage to help him, but I couldn't do it - I wasn't ready. Should I have done it anyway - I loved him, so should I have just done it to save him?
But I take marriage very seriously - which is laughable since I'm not even religious and he claims he's a strong Christian. I could not marry someone if I was not 100% sure, and I do not wish to get a divorce. I know this happens, even if you think it's going to work .. and I don't judge anyone who divorces .. but if you're not 100% sure about it in the first place .. how likely is it to work?!
The betrayal came when I begged him to tell me how long I had to decide whether I could marry him or not - sometimes I felt so guilty for not being able to help him - he made me feel like I owed him this, that I seriously thought about just going against my instincts and marrying him.
I think now it was probably just to calm me down, but he said not to worry, he would find another way to get his visa. And I believed him. We often talked about how his claim was going - and when he finally got granted his visa this month, I was so happy for him.
What a fool. All his friends knew .. and there I was .. the woman he claims to love .. totally oblivious to the fact he was married to someone else. Him telling me that this friend has done it, and that friend has done it does not help at all. I'm not going out with THEM am I?
He says to me "if you were in that situation, you would do the same". No, I would not .. I would have told him what I had to do, not keep it from him. I could not live with myself, hiding such a major thing as that. I can hardly live with myself having to keep it from my family and friends.
He married someone else behind my back .. oh god .. that hurts .. that breaks my heart to think of that .. what am I doing? Why can't I just walk away from him? How could someone lie like that? How can he live with himself? He's hurt me like no one else ever has .. he's hurt me like I never thought anyone could.
He says he's going to sort it .. that he wants to be with me and loves me .. he says he won't live with her by any means possible and that he won't be married to her for long. When I pointed out that she may refuse to sign divorce papers once he tells her "actually, I don't want to be married to you", he dismissed that thought immediately - but that can happen, can't it? It's possible to refuse, isn't it?
I go through this cycle .. hating him, loving him, wanting to hit him, wanting to hug him .. but mainly I hate myself for not being strong enough to know what is the best thing to do. Oh god, I know what I should do really .. I just don't seem strong enough to do it!!
I know I sound really weak .. but I'm going through a lot of other issues in my life as well .. such as an ongoing health problem that may be getting worse. I don't think I would be finding the decision so hard if my life was going better on the whole .. but it's not .. I feel like every aspect of my life is falling apart.
Oh, I just need someone to knock some sense into me!! Or .. maybe you think he was right to do what he did ...? Because I have nobody to talk to about this .. which is why I searched out this site. I can't tell anyone I know .. they are subjective. I need to hear from people objectively.
This is just a really confused, hurt girl asking for some support and advice, and a cyber-shoulder to lean on .. anyone been in the same or similar situation?
I really would like people's opinions ...
But even so, please be gentle with me  !!
If you've got this far .. thank you so much for reading ...
Love Laila*
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facetygal
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 16:11 |
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| I haven't read all of this because I don't need to. If the flat is urs kick him out, if the flat is his stay with a friend or family member till u get a place of ur own. Ur not a fool for not knowing what he was up to, but u are a fool if u stay with him. Last edited on Thursday July 29th, 2004 17:28 by facetygal
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 16:21 |
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My very very Gentle response.....Girl its over, regardless. He does not love you and I doubt if you love him, there is a big difference between emotional needs, wants and 'love'. I'm quite clear from reading this extract that this is NOT love, if it was you would have married him and if it was he would not have decieved you simple..
Laila it is quite obvious from what you wrote that the voice in the back of your head was giving you warnings...its about time you started to listen to it rathers that the romantic foolish myth you've got yourself wrapped in...
in short move on.....
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amina
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 17:21 |
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Laila_Jai wrote:
"My boyfriend is married to someone he claims he doesn't even like .. "
"I saw photos of the wedding day - it kills me to think of the one taken in our flat - celebrating in our flat whilst I was out working - then I come home to an empty home, as usual. "
"I know a relationship without trust is never going to work .. but he makes me feel like it's my fault. "
"He married someone else behind my back .. oh god .. that hurts .. that breaks my heart to think of that .. what am I doing? Why can't I just walk away from him? "
"He says he's going to sort it .. that he wants to be with me and loves me .. "
"I go through this cycle .. hating him, loving him, wanting to hit him, wanting to hug him .. but mainly I hate myself for not being strong enough to know what is the best thing to do. "
Laila, you need to add something more to that cycle and end it - 'dumping him'. I see that you refer to him as your boyfriend..was that intentional? Because it seems as if you are still in chock and haven't yet understood that he is M-A-R-R-I-E-D.
He wants to be with you?
He loves you?
Too bad!
He's a selfish b**tard, no self-respecting man would get married in his girlfriends flat while she was out working! What's wrong with that picture ? And yes love, you are right, a relationship without trust does not work! You area smart woman, you dont need any of us to give you advices because you seem to understand what you need to do - focus on urself and go on with your life. It wont be easy, but hey, who said life ever is?
I wish you all the luck!
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Mantings
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 18:37 |
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@ Laila_Jai
You are a lucky woman because it could of been you who maried this man and if it was then he would have been telling the other woman that he doesn't want to be with you.
It is hard thing when some one you love does not love you back but the good thing is that time is the master and you will in time look back on this and laugh, you will also wander what you ever saw in this man
You should tell him that you will not lower yourself to become his mistress and also let him know you would not be with anyone who would ask you to do that.
Then I would ask you to spend time getting to know yourself before you get involved in another relationship.
and remember this there are many other women who have gone through what you are going through now, the thing is to make sure that you learn from this experience.
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Backatya
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 18:57 |
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Sorry maybe it's just me, but I am a little baffled. What exactly are you looking for here? What support do you suppose can be given by people on this site? Furthermore, in what way is that support likely to be of more value than you can gain from posting to another site.....you did say you searched this site out specifically? You had me wondering what search criteria you put in.
I am sorry if I come across as a bit heartless, I am really one of the most understanding and compassionate people you could hope to meet, but something about your post that doesn't quite jell with me. I could go into a blow by blow account on some of the specifics of your post that cause these feelings of uncertainty and wonderment, but really it serves no purpose. I must say though that your comment:
And how did they decide to get married .. do African men get down on one knee .. did HE?!
was one of the causes of that wonderment......'What a strange thing to say' I thought.
Maybe I have just got over-cynical in my old age, but there is so much more I would need to know before I can even attempt to give a constructive response to you. I will just leave this one to those who feel more in tuned with it than I do.
Respect
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Saida.M
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 20:15 |
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Laila_Jai wrote:
I'm a Scottish 25-year-old
So what are you trying to tell us - that you are white?
But even so, please be gentle with me !!
What makes you think we wouldn't be?
By the sounds of it, he does not want you - how can he marry a woman who you say does want him and he did not know that?
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"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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Happiness
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Posted: Thursday July 29th, 2004 22:53 |
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@ Laila - actually, I think your bf was pretty nice to you. If I had been him, I would have ended with you a long time ago and kicked you out of the flatas well.
I dont mean to be unkind but frankly if I were living with a man who knew I had visa problems and he refused to marry me and help me (now, remember, he is living with me and he is getting the milk for free etc...!!), then as far as I am concerned the relationship has no value to him. As far as I am concerned, he is leaving me to fight my battles on my own and as far as I am concerned he sees no future with me. The relationship would be over for me at that point.
The truth be told, Laila, the other girl loved your bf more than you did...and I am sure thats what he will remember....that when the chips were down, she was at his side....as his wife....for better or for worse.
...so Laila, wipe your tears. Nothin spoilt: You didnt love him enough to marry him..and he didnt love you enough not to marry her.
Good luck.
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If you think that the only way you can survive is in the misuse of people,
then you haven't even begun to think about what it means to be human" ~ Dr C.T.Vivian
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fazuan
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Posted: Friday July 30th, 2004 15:57 |
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good riddance to extremely bad rubbish!
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appreciate_me
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Posted: Friday August 6th, 2004 09:37 |
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| Damn, some of y'all are ruthless. I've been in a situation similar to this. Just do what Usher said and let it burn, baby. Tell him to pack his stuff, get out, and go on about your business. To get back at him is to keep your cool. Act like you didn't want him in the first place, later on you will believe it yourself.
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Happiness
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Posted: Friday August 6th, 2004 11:18 |
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| @ appreciate - what is it that is ruthless?
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If you think that the only way you can survive is in the misuse of people,
then you haven't even begun to think about what it means to be human" ~ Dr C.T.Vivian
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appreciate_me
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Posted: Friday August 6th, 2004 11:42 |
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I was being facetious. Sorry
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Happiness
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Posted: Friday August 6th, 2004 19:31 |
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| oh .. ok
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Ijexa
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Posted: Saturday August 7th, 2004 00:10 |
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@Happiness
***Shakes head***
Sis... you got time... any response I would have posted on this thread would have consisted of two words...
"...Rahtid Muppet...!!!"
***Shrugs shoulders***
To waste the gift of your knowledge... experience and intelligence... is like that old saying about casting pearls before swine...
Peace...
Ijexa
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Happiness
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Posted: Saturday August 7th, 2004 14:01 |
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| @ Ijexa - LOL!
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naija
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Posted: Sunday August 8th, 2004 11:06 |
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| I feel sorry for you for what he did to you no one deserves to be treated like that,he should have been honest with you .i don't think he really loves you like he told you,forget about him and find yourself someone who will love you and respect you.
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zenida
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Posted: Sunday September 5th, 2004 16:46 |
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laila babygal.........LEAVE AND GO SEARCH FOR THE BEST FOR YOU AND NOT THOSE LIES AND CRAZY ILLUSIONS.IT'S ABOUT YOU NOW! run far from him.
i understand your pain and your confusion,the hurt and the difficulty to let go off someone but he ain't for you.
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TANYA16
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Posted: Tuesday September 7th, 2004 00:39 |
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Zenida is right run and do not look back let him go to hell where he belong 
STAND FIRM GIRL 
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canerow
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Posted: Friday October 29th, 2004 21:05 |
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| hey my friend was in a similar situation so i,m feeling where your coming from. Do not waste another second or shed another tear because he sure aint doing that over you, this man has NO LOVE for you as much as that may hurt to read that. BE THANKFUL you got away would you really want to be married to someone as HEARTLESS as that.!!!!!! Yes your confused love him hate as you say but dont let your emotions CONFUSE THE FACTS.For whatever reason he chose to marry and quite frankly i wouldn"t believe a word coming out of his mouth. HIS MARRIED!!!!! now keep away and go do want you need to do to go heal your heart. If its any consolation my friend did get over her pain as you eventually will even if it doesnt feel like that right now. im sending you a bighug
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Mafdet
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Posted: Friday October 29th, 2004 22:34 |
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| I echoe exactly what Backatya has said above
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Lexi
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Posted: Thursday November 4th, 2004 16:43 |
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Move on
I've heard this situation time and time again.
Move on
yes it will be hard but you have to do it if you love yourself
He does NOT love you,if he did he would have respected you and told your from day one.
Plus in London (so i hear) Nigerian men are not in shortage so get another1 if you want.
I'm sure you were fine b4 you meet him,so that means you can go on with out him
He is NOT the reason why you are alive today
He DOES NOT sustain your exsistance
MOVE ON!!
Last edited on Thursday November 4th, 2004 16:46 by Lexi
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CeeCee
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Posted: Tuesday November 9th, 2004 14:36 |
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Laila_Jai,
Well, I'm not going to say your dumb for having the feelings that you have about you boyfriend. It was something that just happened because you fell in love him and he didn't tell you anything about his " wife". I know that that has to hurt.Look at it this way: His dishonesty is enough to make you want to bless him out, but you can also say this was God's way of letting you know what you shouldn't do with him and most likely what kind of a guy he is. He doesn't seem to be a man that I would trust that is for sure. If he is in this marriage of convience, what he should have told is is that he couldn't be with you because of this situation or just divorce his so-called wife and with all due respect, you have to wonder if he is telling the truth about that?He claims to be a Christian, but if he was a true Christian , would have been straight up with you and he would have came to your country the honest way. Another thing is that if he really loved you,he would risk his citizenship to be with you. In all honesty, I don't get it? I'm curious. I'm wondering if the woman he married is of the same national origin as you, because in that case, he should have married you. It seems hard now and you cannot see past him. Stay in if you feel that he can be trusted, but I don't know. He lied to you and lied to his "wife". I feel that if lied once , he'll keep on doing it and doing it again. By that time you may be with a guy far better than he he is. You owe that to yourself.
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lumbeelady
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Posted: Thursday December 30th, 2004 18:08 |
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ok well i have been in your your situation i have two kids and i am 24 years old they are 1 and 2 i had dated the guy for three years we were engaged. then he started to become distant i caught him at the other girls house and with in a week he was staying with her and he keep lieing to me saying we are not having sex, i don't love her, that we loved me and ect. well, i still wanted us to be together and be family, and i new that was never going to happen. I had to quit listening to my heart and listen to what my brain said. my mind was saying leave this fool and never turn back, it took me a year and a half, but i done it and after i finally got over him i was started dating again and i am with a wonderful man, he has a daughter and we spend family time together. I really love him. he accepts my kids which means alot to me and he has custody of hus daughter. So let me tell you listen to your head not your heart. i know you don't want to let go but the longer you stay in the siuatio the worst it gets. it hurts i know that, but your heart will mend. I have been there. i thought i would never let him go and never could love anyone else but you can. i am living proof.
i had to give you my exprecince in order for you to understand. so i hope you take it and go on with your life it isn't worth it. believe me i cried everyday and cried myslef to sleep at night. it was so bad that someone could say his name i would cry. so i've been there
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