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LadyDay
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Posted: Friday October 3rd, 2003 01:55 |
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| I just want to know when is the right time to call it quits. after some years together it feels like i am not recieving any love. when now we should be getting in the groove of things. He does all the stuff you would expect any man to do but that is never enough. people say all the time how much he loves me etc. but i do not feel it. these days we aint spending time together like we did in the beginning when we were inseperable. I am considering divorce. just not sure if i have exhausted all my options. what would you do or have doen in same or similiar situation
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Friday October 3rd, 2003 04:55 |
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Ladyday: You sound very down....been there so i know little about how you feel.....My feeling is that divorce would be a step too soon..maybe you need to communicate with him and i mean really communicate HONESTLY.. Tell him, (DO NOT p***yFOOT AROUND,) in a calm dispassionate way (not I also hasten to add on the back of or as part of an argument.) Tell him clearly without BLAMING that you're unhappy..tell him why and how it makes you feel, then tell him EXACTLY what he has to do and the context of how it should be done and then give him time to adjust if he is willing to work at it...
Please also remember the door swings both ways so be prepared for some hard truths coming back the other way, and try to react positively and not angrily if you want a contructive outcome..
However if or once you have decided to go, please (if there are children involved,) put them first and try to work out your separation and divorce as amicably as possible..The children don't derserve to be paying the penalty for the decision of their parents..
good luck!!
Last edited on Friday October 3rd, 2003 04:57 by Kunjufu
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LadyDay
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Posted: Saturday October 4th, 2003 05:40 |
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| I understand what you are saying. Just dont know know how to get him to spend more time alone so these things can be spoken through. we have never really argued in the typical sense. most arguments are squashed quickly but never resolved. I will try stick it through longer. but still do not know. thankfully there are no kids yet....................
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Saturday October 4th, 2003 07:26 |
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LadyDay wrote:
I understand what you are saying. Just dont know know how to get him to spend more time alone so these things can be spoken through. we have never really argued in the typical sense. most arguments are squashed quickly but never resolved. I will try stick it through longer. but still do not know. thankfully there are no kids yet.................... I highlighted what i think are two key points in your last post, both of which seem to have a similar theme..avoidance..the bit that i'm not getting is the why? Can you elaborate why you both appear to be avoiding each other?
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Rammie
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Posted: Sunday October 5th, 2003 03:17 |
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| Admit it Lady Day, you are a tramp. You just want to put it about..or you've had your head turned by fast talking hit and runner. Women like you make me sick..we give you everything you say you want..I bet your hubby is a nice dutiful guy..but the slut in you want a hard backed yardie with gold teeth, flash car and ten baby muddas..JEEZ.
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Dada
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Posted: Sunday October 5th, 2003 04:58 |
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Hi LadyDay,
Yes your intial posting had me thinking;
Is the lack of Time together the only element ? Many Couples thrive having time to themselves - apart - the old Garden shed syndrome.
You mention that you "we should be getting in the groove of things" what do you mean by that ?
Essentially you mention that you do not feel loved ? How and Why ?
Do you Love your Man ? How are you demonstrating that to him ?
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LadyDay
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Posted: Monday October 6th, 2003 03:03 |
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rammie - i aint a slut. i am committed to my man. how ever a marriager is a two way street. does a guy have to be a yardie to be messed up no. so please do not use streotypes
kunjufu-i guess we spend most of our time working. plus i am trying to build my career. anyway i will not put the entire blame on him, as i should at any given moment just say whats on my mind. just not sure if he will do anything about it. he is that laid back.
dada- its hard to describe love. and with this relationship i can say that yes i did feel he loves me but........now i just dont feel it the way i used to. when i said we should be getting in the groove of things , what i meant was that our marriage should be gravy. yes i should expect ups and downs but if i crying every week asking God why did i say yes and can it be fixed, the n obviously something is wrong. yes i do show him love by doing most things and more a wife is expected to do, but i also do things just because i love him.
please dont react to me not given away too much its just that i am used to keeping my feelings to myself, though i do share some if not most with him.
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Dada
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Posted: Monday October 6th, 2003 07:05 |
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@Ladyday
"but if i crying every week asking God why did i say yes"
Why did you say yes ? What were your reasons for getting Married ? Are you saying that you had doubts about your Man prior to the Altar ?
Relationships are seldom easy and must be worked on. Communication means expressing yourself and listening (Even more importantly) freely.
If your Man is uncommunicative then first reassure him that your are not going to Nag him. That his point of view is important, then ask him open ended questions;
A useful format is called SPIN
Open ended questions on what he feels the Situation is within the relationship
Who........What.........How.........and Why ?
Defined questions to identify possible or perceived Problems within the relationship
Following through with the future possible Implications if the problems persist
And then seeking a resolution to the whole issues that have been raised NeedPayoff
If you feel you cannot communicate these questions your Partner try applying them to yourself ...i.e explore the SPIN to your own feelings and write them in a letter and hand it to he saying you would like to speak with him about the contents.
Just a few ideas:
Remeber if you jump out of an Airplane each time you hit turbulance it's not a good way to run an Airline
Last edited on Monday October 6th, 2003 07:07 by Dada
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LadyDay
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Posted: Tuesday October 7th, 2003 01:35 |
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i hear what you are saying and i am gonna try and see what happens. your airplane analogy is good. we will see what happens
by the way i got married because i love him and he loves me. love is only part of a marriage so who knows what the out come will be
thanks a million
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Saida.M
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Posted: Thursday April 22nd, 2004 08:22 |
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| Did you ever resolve your problem Ladyday?
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LadyDay
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Posted: Thursday April 22nd, 2004 10:54 |
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not sure if resolved but i am sticking it out. my marriage has proven a challenge for me. still working on spending more time together alone. so things seem to be improving a little
thanks for asking athaba
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CeeCee
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Posted: Wednesday May 5th, 2004 14:17 |
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Lady Day,
The way it sounds, your marriage doesn't sound all that bad. I don't hear anything about abuse whatsoever. He's being a man in terms of doing things. To me, there is no major problems where you should consider it. Maybe you two are doing two different things that don't coincide at the right time. You two should discuss working out a plan where you both can spend more time together and tell him how you feel about your relationship and what is bothering you. While it ceratinly true that you should always have love in the relationship, you should also think about compromise and commitment. Love alone isn't going to keep a good marriage together.
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Maat
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Posted: Tuesday May 25th, 2004 15:35 |
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You both work. Do you both really enjoy/get into your work? I ask because it's common to hear that when children come, the woman fades into the background. Here though, if you guys aren't paying a lot of attention to each other, something must be taking up that time and energy. Have you recently lost a loved one? It may sound out of the blue but trust me, it could be relevant.
When you felt loved, what kind of things did he do to make you feel loved? Perhaps you can remind him of those things and how much you appreciated and miss them. Do you communicate a lot? Does he talk with you or does he just listen and give no feedback? When you don't argue and squash things that doesn't mean it's over. You just supress that anger or those feelings until it comes up again later on, again and again until you deal with it.
It doesn't sound like divorce is the answer just yet. Only you will really know if that's necessary.
What do you do when you do get time alone? When you say that you are doing what most women are expected to do, that's where the problem can sometimes start. You do your thing and he does his both in the way you think you both should. Before you know it, you don't have time for each other because you both have work to do.
It is hard work living and getting along with someone but if both of you are serious about making it work, it WILL work.
Be strong and keep communicating with each other. Good Luck!
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Saida.M
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Posted: Friday March 10th, 2006 10:05 |
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It all worked out then
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People readily believe lies before they believe the truth
"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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Maat
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Posted: Sunday April 2nd, 2006 20:47 |
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@athaba: For a minute I was wondering what you were talking about  LOL.
@LadyDay: Yep it's nice to see how things have progressed for you, hubby and now your prince  aaaahhh
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Posted: Saturday June 9th, 2007 13:42 |
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Watch out for money monkies....unless of course you are both one. For me it was time to call it a day when I realised my marriage meant only one thing to the other half - legal rights. Ironic that the only legal rights my ex wife has to the family home was my marriage licence which she had yonks before she spent any money. Still, it looks like she's finally moving out now...guess a microwave oven and some romance means that much too her
Man waht ever happened to Rammie..I thought I was dark
Last edited on Saturday June 9th, 2007 13:42 by Incognito
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Vezz.
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Posted: Saturday June 9th, 2007 15:24 |
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The first 2 years of my marriage was tough. I think I expected him to turn into a considerate man overnight (we both were alone for a long time before we met, and both had to start considering the other). Plus, he wasn't the most open communicator, so I always felt I was the last to know about everything.
So, this year while we were in Chicago was really a make-or-break time. I even told my mother-in-law I was seriously considering divorce. However, with all the bad luck we've had this year (burgled, lost back fence in the high winds, telly blew up and, the coup d'grace, Hubby's car was stolen last week ), we've got so much closer it's untrue....he was actually snuggling me this morning.
I've learnt to compromise, and not to expect someone to change into someone else just because we're married. That said, if it were 10 years ago I may have been a different kettle of fish, but I've mellowed with age.....
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Miss Nellia
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Posted: Sunday June 10th, 2007 00:04 |
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Vezz. wrote: we've got so much closer it's untrue....he was actually snuggling me this morning.
That's nice lol 
I've learnt to compromise, and not to expect someone to change into someone else just because we're married. That said, if it were 10 years ago I may have been a different kettle of fish, but I've mellowed with age.....
I can't lie, marriage scares the life outta me  (I recently realised this)
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday June 10th, 2007 09:28 |
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Vezz - glad to hear it sis. Can I ask how long you were together before being married?
Miss Nellia - unfortunately this is a sad reality. Have you had any serious long term relationship and how long does it have to be before you consider your mate marriage material, what's the fear?
Believe it or not there are people who look at my scenario to justify why they wouldl never get married and the irony is it was supposed to be the complete opposite i.e. encourage people to.
At the same time, I know men who have been through a lot worse than me...one in particular is getting married again next year...in Africa. I know another brotha on his third marriage. With these people, doesn't it make you wonder what is so special about marriage that the fear of it can't even stop it. Indeed I'll be getting married again as soon as the gods will have it...it would be nice if my children from the first could attend.
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Miss Nellia
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Posted: Sunday June 10th, 2007 12:43 |
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Incognito wrote:
Miss Nellia - unfortunately this is a sad reality. Have you had any serious long term relationship and how long does it have to be before you consider your mate marriage material, what's the fear?
Had a long term relationship, lasted 5 years ended nearly a year ago, then met someone new, he's great everything I could ask for and more.... but is moving way too fast for me. The word TRAPPED comes to mind when I think of marriage yet I am a firm believer in a strong family unit. 
Believe it or not there are people who look at my scenario to justify why they wouldl never get married and the irony is it was supposed to be the complete opposite i.e. encourage people to.
Well maybe your partner wasn't the one, when you do meet that special woman you will find that both of you read off the same page. Make sure you marry for the right reasons next time. (listen to me giving advice).
At the same time, I know men who have been through a lot worse than me...one in particular is getting married again next year...in Africa. I know another brotha on his third marriage. With these people, doesn't it make you wonder what is so special about marriage that the fear of it can't even stop it.
I agree my fear of marriage won't stop me from getting married.... I will walk down that isle, but it's like taking an exam I suppose, you know you want to take that exam but you fear exams...... maybe it's divorce I fear or boredom.
Indeed I'll be getting married again as soon as the gods will have it...it would be nice if my children from the first could attend.
That would be nice for you and especially the kids to get to know your new "future" wife, but are you sure wifey no1 will agree to that????? For me, why we ended would determine if I would want my children at my ex's and his next woman's wedding. hmmmmm. But if we ended amicably then I see no problem.
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday June 10th, 2007 13:33 |
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Miss Nellia - interesting. Me my scenario was a bit different as we'd never lived together and I've seen so many long term relationships end after the couple move in together. I was always conscious of this so always told myself mine wouldn't be going out like that...but then I was also conscious about the concept of women and their hidden agendas..and how they come to the fore when they feel secure
So I guess my question was based on people who have been shacking up together for years and know what each other are really about yet still shun marriage.....what are they scared of?
Also in my eyes I married for precisely the right reason....my children. I find only my muslim friends and elder Africans who believe children should be born in wedlock can relate to my argument on divorcing the wife because she fraudly represented my values. The worse thing is it's the children that get the raw deal...and it was all meant for them
Interesting about the ex wife..I guess she can't afford for my children to see me happy with another woman..living how husband and wife should be...it goes against the story she will/has sell/sold them.....and everyone else
Advice?...hmmm..never been good at taking anyone elses word for anything....being told not to get married was one of them...I'm willing to accept the consequences of this...this way my conscience is clear
But reading your post again, in between the lines you seem to be saying your fear of marriage is based on the fact that the current state of the relationship is already at the stage of compromise...which begs the question why would anyone tie themselves legally and indefinitely to a compromise.
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Vezz.
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Posted: Sunday June 10th, 2007 13:38 |
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Incognito wrote: Vezz - glad to hear it sis. Can I ask how long you were together before being married?
16 months! Neither of us are young pups, and decided to just do it. Wasn't a massive fairytale affair, but it's legal. My first and Hubby's second.
Indeed I'll be getting married again as soon as the gods will have it...it would be nice if my children from the first could attend.
We didn't tell Wife No 1 we were getting married. We just picked the kids up on the Friday night. Unfortunately there have been "problems" with access....it has been known for Hubby to drive all the way up to Nottingham, and come back without them as she "changed her mind". That said, I couldn't possibly comment as it's their relationship, and they need to sort it out for the kids' sake.
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Sunday June 10th, 2007 13:56 |
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Just butting in a bit...Vezz i hear you on the difficult 1st wife bit, damn ever since mine heard i was jumping broomstick again...I've had hell from her..luckily i have the children so they can't be used....
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Prince Hakeem
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Posted: Sunday June 10th, 2007 14:57 |
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Vezz. wrote: The first 2 years of my marriage was tough.
Trust me, those are probably the hardest times - especially when you're in your early 20s!
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