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whitewife
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Posted: Saturday May 22nd, 2004 20:43 |
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ok. well here it goes -
I am a white woman of European descent married to a Kenyan man. We have two children and a niece and nephew who came from Kenya to live with us here in Canada. I guess the reason I am posting is because I need advice -
I am looking for anyone out there who would be willing to discuss with me what is going on in my home. When it was only me and him - things were difficult sometimes. Different cultures - different ideas - Now with the addition of my niece and nephew things are really hard for me. I guess not only am I learning what it is to be the minority - in a given situation - but also I am learning what it feels like to be stereotyped. I am tired of hearing about "the whites" and being disrespected because of my color. My husband tells me its got nothing to do with me being white - but obviously thats not the case and he is refusing to discuss it further. (I think that in doing so he would be admitting there is a problem)
The other thing is that I am preparing to goto Kenya in a month and I am really tripping because I so do not know what to expect.. I was hoping to get some perspective on the situation.
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Happiness
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Posted: Sunday May 23rd, 2004 13:46 |
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Apparently you are the only one who sees a problem...your husband apparently doesnt.
Good luck
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LadyDay
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Posted: Monday May 24th, 2004 07:35 |
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it may be trying to show you the problems faced by people like himself. i would say dont give up on trying to discuss issues because soon they will build up and explode like a volcano
i hope everything works out for you! try learn more about Kenyan culture and encourage your family to know more about canadian culture. it may help.
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Maat
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| Joined: | Thursday May 13th, 2004 |
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Posted: Tuesday May 25th, 2004 14:46 |
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You say you had some cultural difficulties before the children but did you deal with them? What made you two get married?
In hindsight do you think that marriage was the wisest thing to go ahead and do before you guys sorted things out?
Yes you are hurt now that you have experienced a first hand view that your colour is seen as negative. Welcome to our world! Don't get me wrong I don't mean for one minute that you deserve that but this may be a perfect example that sometimes peoples' differences are hard to overcome. That may be why your husband chooses not to talk about it. Embracing your differences can be the healthier option but it could be a long hard struggle. Both of you need to be prepared to go there.
I could ask a lot of things and make a lot of assumptions but only you and your husband know what's going on and only you two who can fix it. It does seem like it's more of a problem for you but only because we can't hear his side. I couldn't help but wonder when you talk about having difficulty with the children, what is difficult? Parenting is hard for any race and it could just be that he needs to help more, nothing to do with your colour. If he is disrespecting you DON'T TAKE IT. You have had two children for him. You are looking after his neice and nephew. That has to count for something.
Why are you going to Kenya? Why do you have to expect anything? Just enjoy and learn from whatever you experience.
Good Luck!
Last edited on Thursday June 10th, 2004 11:26 by Maat
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shelan
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Posted: Friday May 28th, 2004 18:31 |
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| You really should have thought about all of that before you two married. If you two can't talk and he keeps shutting you down when you bring it up then I don't see how the marriage can work. You might need to seek professional help.
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CeeCee
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Posted: Wednesday June 9th, 2004 03:15 |
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Whitewife,
That is unfortunate about your husband. He seems rather insensitive when it comes to this issue. I don't know if you can get it through his head but if you can, you two really need to talk about your concerns about yourself and his nieces and his nephews. You shouldn't be disresepcted like that.
Though I'm not married to anybody at the moment, I have dated lots of men from other countries and is currently in an African-American relationship at the moment.
I'm African-American, but just because we are of the same race doesn't make it any easier to be of the same nationality. In my family it's a lot of caution and sometimes these cautions have gotten rather stereotypical. Far as my ex's folks, I've never had any major problems with them( I guess because many of them don't live in the US), but I remembered talking with my brothers friend, who was from the Ivory Coast talking about how before he left for the US, that some of his friends thought that African-Americans were lazy. That angered me because because it's far from the truth 2) His friends were the last people to say anything about my people. My belief is if you claim to be the example of your people then show it--be a postive leader of your people. His friends were the LAST people to talk about me and my people. According to him his friends got drunk every friday and didn't do nothing with their lives in their homeland..Right now I'm dating a man from Mali. I haven't met his folks yet as they stilllive in his homeland. He has 8 siblings, (many brothers though) one of his brothers teaches ar my former college and with nationality that is no problem--His wife is a Southern( USA) bred African-American female like me from Alabama.I like his wife and his brother.
Anyways, You say that you are begininng to understand what it is to be a minority.but to be an minority, being the only one in your household that is white, but it doesn't mean that they have to be disrespectful to you. You are his wife and you two share the house together .His nieces and nephews should give you just as much respect as they give their uncle and he should tell them this. Being in a intercultural/interracial may pose somewhat of a challenge for you two , but you two should be work on your cultural differences and make it where you be who you are while at the same time, not make your cultures so different that it becomes a culture clash. He should resepct your European culture, while youre in England( or your country of birth) and his Kenyan culture in Kenya. Far as the nieces and nephews, cultural clashes shouldn't include disrespect of ones race/nationality. He should tell them not to do that.
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CeeCee
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Posted: Wednesday June 9th, 2004 03:28 |
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Whitewife,
I forgot to tell ya! There is website that is made for international/interracial couples. I haven't been on it as of late, but I used to a couple of years ago to to look around it. I'm not sure if they are quite up and have forgotten the exact web address on it, bit if you type under " Mami and Federico's homepage" it should lead you into it. Their website show many people of these backgrounds celebrating their unions and some of them sharing their ups , down's and what should I do in these relationships.
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desnumberi
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Posted: Monday June 21st, 2004 18:08 |
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tell ya what, u are overreacting even by thinking about this because even when theres no fire yet, you are dialing 911. people dont think alike so there must be diffs. your hubby apparently does not see why you are getting worked up.go to africa and have a goodtime, laugh easy and show your annoyance when angry easily but dont overreact. show your confusion when confused. above all try and express your self well, i tell you they will feel you better. relax and loosen up. 
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da positive force. lets stop d hating...but where u jonhncrow234
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JONHNCROW234
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Posted: Friday June 25th, 2004 00:54 |
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WHITEY TRY AN GET SOM COUNSILIN ARIGHT
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desnumberi
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Posted: Tuesday June 29th, 2004 18:51 |
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JONHNCROW234,
LIKE I TOL YA, U IS ALWAYS A STEP BEHIND ME. IS YA MY AFTRUNNER?
hahaha ....feel free bro, its a free world.... 
Last edited on Tuesday June 29th, 2004 18:53 by desnumberi
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da positive force. lets stop d hating...but where u jonhncrow234
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ERYK
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Posted: Thursday January 6th, 2005 06:18 |
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| THE FEEL OF STERIOTYPE IN YOUR HOME MIGHT BE TWICE AS MUCH WHEN TAKEING THAT TRIP TO KENYA. IT TAKES A STRONG MIND AND WILL TO DEAL WITH THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS WHEN BEING INVOLVED IN MIXED RELATIONSHIPS. MOSTLY WHEN DEALING WITH MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY. IM SURE IT MAKES YOU SAD IN ALOT OF DIFFRENT WAYS. MAKEING YOUR MARRIAGE WORK WONT COME OVER NIGHT ITS A FIGHT TO THE END. SO GET READY ITS JUST WORDS NOT STICKS AND STONES. Attachment: ERIC 202.jpg (Downloaded 82 times)
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Parris
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Posted: Thursday January 6th, 2005 13:12 |
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Maybe I can give you some insight based on my own experience.
I'm a black man (American) and my wife is a Japanese woman. I'm come from a poor family in California; she comes from a well to-do family from the pearl capital of Japan (Ehime). They have more money than I ever know existed. She is Christian, I am Buddhist.
(Picture that a black Buddhist married to a Japanese Christian)
I come from a staunch military family; she comes from a family that is extremely anti-war.
I'm cheap, and I thinking saving is more important thatn spending. She's extravagent and feels that money is made for her to spend it. I am a marketing agent for a bio-tech firm, she the Vice-President of a consulting firm.
Most of my friends are black and she has no Japanese friends here in America to speak of (Only in California and Washington State are their big Japanese communities)...to top matter off my brother, who is in the military, is in Iraq and while he is away my young, teenaged, nephew is staying with us.
When I first went to Japan that ask her fathers permission to marry her I had no idea what I was going to face, but I prepared for it. Getting to understand the culture, learning the language, becoming familiar with the customs.
AN error filled mixed you may think.......no at all. It’s about respect. It’s about my respect for her and her respect for me. She makes every attempt on every occasion to understand who I am and where I come from, and I make every attempt on every occasion to understand her.
I love her. She is that part of me that makes me strive to be a better man to today than I was yesterday. I respect her. Her feelings, her pain, her mind and intellect.
When I first went to Japan that ask her fathers permission to marry her I had no idea what I was going to face, but I prepared for it. Getting to understand the culture, learning the language, becoming familiar with the customs.
She has learned English (much better than a lot of people I know) and I have learned to speak Japanese. I don't work around my home talking about "Asians or Chinks" out of respect for my wife, and nor does she walk around talk about "Why to black people............" What goes on outside of my home is of little matter to me, what is important is how I treat, love and respect my wife.
Because English is not her first language and Japanese is not my first language we ensure that when we communicate the other understands what (for lack of better words) the other is trying to say.
Our arguments are view
Our fights (can't remember when we last had one)
99.9% of what goes on in my house is because of her desire...but my 1% is absolute as the man of my home...and she respects me and trust me enough that once a choice has been made by me......that is how things will be. And I trust her and respect her enough to listen OPENING to what she has to say.
I can not comment on your situation, but my first thought every day is about my wife "How does she feel having a child not her own in the house" "how is she dealing with thing� every day I MAKE TIME and we talk. I work a full time job as a marketing agent in the bio-tech field, I mentor young children, I have returned to school, AND I'm in the National Guard, not to mention carrying for my son and a nephew and soon a daughter on the way (due February 14th, 2005) but I always MAKE TIME.
Your husband AND YOU need to understand the differences the two of you have, and instead of allow them to be wedges between the love you have for each other, make them be something that bonds you together and makes you closer.
Shoot me an email if you would like to touch base on a more private level. While I can't say I know how you feel....I can say I understand.
You are going to need more than love for each other to make a marriage work. Marriages fail under the strain of life with two people from the same backgrounds.......imagine what strain people are going through from different upbringings.
I think your husband is oblivious to your feelings at least and highly insentive at best. Even if what you feel is not reality; a man should know his wife and know when she is not comfortable or is worried.
You will need to really talk to him.
PaRrIs
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blaklikeme
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Posted: Friday January 7th, 2005 02:18 |
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Isn't this a black site? For other minorities to communicate with other minorities. Its not really that fair white woman coming on here asking us advice about their relationship with a black man. I bet they were not asking anyones advise when they were getting with them.
Whitey,personally, speaking I think you should of thought about this before you got married, its a bit late now.
Sorry to be harsh.
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Camille85
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Posted: Sunday January 9th, 2005 15:51 |
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Listen Hun...you don't deserve any sh*t from anyone....if you keep letting , everyone treat you like crap for being white...then they will continue to take the piss. But try talking to you're husband...and get him to listen to how you feel cos...you're worth more...then he takes you for.
Last edited on Sunday January 9th, 2005 15:51 by Camille85
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