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2deal2
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Posted: Sunday January 28th, 2007 12:46 |
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Hi!
I don't wanna depress you, but I need some independent opinions. I've been in my new job for nearly a year, but I feel frustrated. Not with the job, but with my social standing. You see, I've developed a reputation for being the 'irritating' guy in the office.
When I first started, I wasn't given any proper training, so I tried to speak to the other employees and ask them what to do. Eventually, I was told off by the boss, that I was bugging people. Also, my attempts at humour didn't come across well, and I seemed to offend most of the women in my office (including one I fancied very much).
So now, nearly a year in, after being cautioned a few times, I've adjusted my behaviour. But I still find that people (i.e. girls) in the office react to me differently. They don't smile or share jokes or look as comfortable around me as they do others and I feel that they wish I'd go away when I try to talk to them.
Also, I met a girl from a different department at work, but I just can't get anywhere with her. She always lunches with her workmates and they talk about lunch AT LUNCH  This means I can't get into their conversation because I don't know too much about their section.
So if you can imagine the scene, it's like I sometimes join them at lunch, I listen to the conversation, I try to ask her how she's doing, what she done at the weekend, etc, but all I get is one sentence word answers. I can never get to speak to her one-to-one. I don't even know if she likes me or not.  I was alaso told that a different girl likes me, but I'm not sure how to approach her correcttly. I don't want to be too eager or not interested at all...
It drives me crazy because I feel like I'm being frozen out of the group. I know they don't know me that well, but I can't get into the conversation and I feel that she's uncomfortable.
You see I have a problem with groups and cliques. I'm an only child and I'm used to my own company, but I don't know how to get on well with people. I'm nervous, I say inappropriate things.
I've had this problem since college, where I felt I had to push into a group just to have group of "friends". But I never went out with them outside of college. Also illness prevented me from going out regularly.
It's depressing, I don't know what to do.
So, I'm 25 and I don't really have a social circle.
The title of the thread is how I feel...
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An_Advanced_Spark
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Posted: Sunday January 28th, 2007 15:22 |
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Man, I really feel for you felt a lil' teary at the last few lines.
The fact that you acknowledge how things are shows that you actually WANT a social circle and that is a good sign.
Here are are a few tips you can use today:
1. Become aware of your own interaction with other people is the first step in improving your social skills.
Learn to identify which types of situations make you uncomfortable and then modify your behavior to achieve positive results is a critical step in improving your social skills.
You can learn to become aware of behaviors in other people that prompt you to respond in negative ways and modify your own behavior to turn the situation into a positive experience.
2. You must accept responsibility for your own behavior and do not fear apologizing for errors in judgment or insensitive actions.
Asking others for honest feedback about the way you interact with others can be very helpful. Accept the negative feedback along with the positive and make changes accordingly.
3. Your non-verbal communication is equally as important as the things that you say. Positive body language is extremely important in your interactions with other people.
If your words and your actions do not match, you will have a difficult time succeeding in social situations.
4. In order to learn how to improve your social skills, you must become and great listener. You must fight the urge to respond immediately and really listen to what the other person is trying to communicate.
Offering suggestions or criticism before you are certain of the other person's intent can only lead to frustration for both parties.
5. Improving your social skills is a process and cannot be accomplished overnight. Trying to improve or change too many things at once will be counter-productive.
You will become discouraged and overwhelmed if you attempt to change your entire personality all at once. Choose one or two traits at a time and work on those over a period of time. Learn to take advantage of your personal strengths and make a positive impact on others.
6. Maximize your positive personality traits and use them in your interactions with others. Good communication and great listening skills are the most important tools you can use in improving your social skills.
You can learn how to improve your social skills by developing excellent listening skills, learning to resolve problems and conflicts, understanding body language, and accepting responsibility for your own negative behavior.
Determination and self-awareness will make your desire to improve your social skills a reality.
7. Join a few things outside of work, drama club , gym and what not or even an educational course have a look on this site, theres usually a few things going as well.
Last edited on Sunday January 28th, 2007 15:24 by An_Advanced_Spark
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Black_Power
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Posted: Sunday January 28th, 2007 15:51 |
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Yeah I gota admit he that got me a lil too...
Man It seems to me that your trying too hard... just be yourself and dont beg it.
I aint too good on word play so I hopw the BNV fam come to to this thread and represent
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blessingfromgod
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Posted: Sunday January 28th, 2007 16:53 |
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@ 2deal2, sorry to hear about your situation. Advanced S... has given some really good advice, not much I could add to it except to say, try and keep your head up.
Coincidentally I read an old post of yours re: the canteen girl, I will say after a year and you have not managed to move past first stage, leave it alone  You will find your queen when you least expect it. As BP said, dont try too hard and find interest outside of work to take the pressure away from needing work pals - they dont sound too great to me anyway  A bunch of anti-social peeps f**k them.
Last edited on Sunday January 28th, 2007 16:54 by blessingfromgod
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interested 1
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Posted: Sunday January 28th, 2007 18:14 |
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Black_Power wrote: Yeah I gota admit he that got me a lil too...
Man It seems to me that your trying too hard... just be yourself and dont beg it.
I aint too good on word play so I hopw the BNV fam come to to this thread and represent
 I see wat you mean when you say don't beg it...
But isn't that hard to avoid when interacting with peeps. I means begging it
to me means that you blatently go out your way to 'please' ppl when your not wanted.
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Prince Hakeem
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Posted: Monday January 29th, 2007 22:30 |
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2deal2 wrote: Hi!
I don't wanna depress you, but I need some independent opinions. I've been in my new job for nearly a year, but I feel frustrated. Not with the job, but with my social standing. You see, I've developed a reputation for being the 'irritating' guy in the office.
When I first started, I wasn't given any proper training, so I tried to speak to the other employees and ask them what to do. Eventually, I was told off by the boss, that I was bugging people. Also, my attempts at humour didn't come across well, and I seemed to offend most of the women in my office (including one I fancied very much).
So now, nearly a year in, after being cautioned a few times, I've adjusted my behaviour. But I still find that people (i.e. girls) in the office react to me differently. They don't smile or share jokes or look as comfortable around me as they do others and I feel that they wish I'd go away when I try to talk to them.
Also, I met a girl from a different department at work, but I just can't get anywhere with her. She always lunches with her workmates and they talk about lunch AT LUNCH This means I can't get into their conversation because I don't know too much about their section.
So if you can imagine the scene, it's like I sometimes join them at lunch, I listen to the conversation, I try to ask her how she's doing, what she done at the weekend, etc, but all I get is one sentence word answers. I can never get to speak to her one-to-one. I don't even know if she likes me or not. I was alaso told that a different girl likes me, but I'm not sure how to approach her correcttly. I don't want to be too eager or not interested at all...
It drives me crazy because I feel like I'm being frozen out of the group. I know they don't know me that well, but I can't get into the conversation and I feel that she's uncomfortable.
You see I have a problem with groups and cliques. I'm an only child and I'm used to my own company, but I don't know how to get on well with people. I'm nervous, I say inappropriate things.
I've had this problem since college, where I felt I had to push into a group just to have group of "friends". But I never went out with them outside of college. Also illness prevented me from going out regularly.
It's depressing, I don't know what to do.
So, I'm 25 and I don't really have a social circle.
The title of the thread is how I feel...
The two paragraphs I highlighted stood out to me. It sounds as if you may have to seriously consider professional counselling. It's not something to be embarassed out and it will help you in the long term. Most likely your social skills have been stunted as a result of certain things that may have happened during childhood i.e. you mentioned illness.
I don't doubt you have your faults, but remember that in a lot of social circles you're bound to come up against the classic sheep mentality where everybody has to follow what some other person says.....especially if they've known each other longer than you. Saying that I think you're trying a bit too hard. If you know they don't take to you too well, then just adjust yourself according to their behaviour. Normally I would say consider moving job, but you will need to seek the help you need first, then once you're better within yourself consider changing jobs.
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Monday January 29th, 2007 23:48 |
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I think Advance Sparks made some good points....I would add that maybe trying to learn your stuff at work is quite the right stratergy I would suggest finding an interest outside of work, with people you don't know personally..therefore any mistakes you make..will not come back to haunt you time and time again...
I would also say that believe it or not..MOST people myself included go through the phase (and it is a phase) you are going through.. It will pass, and if i may say it takes courage to keep going...in the face of such rejection..
My final point to you is this..BP is actuially right you should not 'beg it' because trying too hard does put people off you...so this goes back to my point of developing an outside interest..one that will build confidence, and one that will make you an INTERESTING person..people in my experience tend to gravitate to do things, has an interest or an expertise...it is this that builds respect!!
Trying to be the entertainment committee...especially if you're not funny just looks and sounds desparate...so for example in my case I became an expert on computers, on issues on my proffession, i also travelled and tok up dancing..do you see my point.....
ps: I know its easy to say this not being you, but if you and this girl you liked didn't hit it of..then it wasn't meant to be.....again don't push fancying bit...just be friends with people and lets things develop if they are meant to from there..putting pressure o yourself to get somewhere with a woman you barely know outside a social situation is like climbing a mountain in slippers..it can be done but you wouldn't advise it would you?
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Black_Power
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Posted: Wednesday January 31st, 2007 20:32 |
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2deal2
let us know how its going...
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2deal2
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Posted: Saturday February 3rd, 2007 18:21 |
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| I might try something Valentine's Day. Good/Bad idea?
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facetygal
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Posted: Saturday February 3rd, 2007 20:33 |
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You from durrty south like me, u same age as me, we can get together and socialise if ya like. I'm always up for meeting/talking to new peeps, learning new things, so we can help each other out. I've got a next friend whose into meeting new peeps too, I know her and a group of peeps chill out at a winebar every week and she been saying I should come down. So instantly you'll meet a whole new set of people, and ur social circle will be in full swing before u know it!
Theres too much pressure and bad vibes at work, so by socialising outside in more relaxed environments u build up ur confidence in ur own time and it will then become easier for u to deal with tings at work. You'll notice ur work colleagues acting differently towards u too, when u start to feel good about urself.
Anyway just holla if ur interested in hookin up, or even if u just wanna chat over pm.
Peace!
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blessingfromgod
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Posted: Saturday February 3rd, 2007 21:37 |
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Facetygyal, that's really nice of you.
@ 2deal2, with your last post I cant help but think you have ignored most of the advice you have been given (depending on which lady your want to woo on Valentines day) Remember, patience is a virtue. Go out with Facetygyal and her friends and have fun.
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Justavoice
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Posted: Saturday February 3rd, 2007 22:00 |
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I have to agree with Blackpower.
Don't beg it, and stop trying so hard.
People have a way of trying to make you feel like you must earn the right to be in their company or around them. You fall for that you forever end up having to prove yourself or your right to be in their company.
No you didn't come about by accident my friend, God ordained you to be here, he called you to be a alive in such a time as this. So don't beg for no man's company, your here !. Who will like you will like you and who don't well they have missed out.
Be yourself, first and foremost, and understand yourself first, your likes and dislikes.
Also seems like that office as set themselves to alienate you anyway.. Learn to rise above that behaviour.
Preventing you from asking questions is a way of shutting you down, its old technique i've seen time and time again. So you must train yourself, Let them see that you can trade with them whilst at the same time, don't give away all your knowledge, for knowledge is power. Let the see you have what to trade with them.
Go eat lunch by yourself, sometimes yourself can be your own best company get use to that. When friends come, sometimes you going to wish back for those times alone.
Strengthen yourself and your mind.
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An_Advanced_Spark
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Posted: Saturday February 3rd, 2007 23:19 |
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Thats really sweet of you Facety Gal... Not as Facety as you seem lol...
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facetygal
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Posted: Sunday February 4th, 2007 10:10 |
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@ An Advanced Spark
I'm calming down in my old age but I still got my moments 
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Peacemaker
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Posted: Sunday February 4th, 2007 13:18 |
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2deal2 wrote: Hi!
I don't wanna depress you
Emo, emo alert. My soul is as shallow as this puddle bullsh*t is it?
but I need some independent opinions. I've been in my new job for nearly a year, but I feel frustrated. Not with the job, but with my social standing. You see, I've developed a reputation for being the 'irritating' guy in the office.
When I first started, I wasn't given any proper training, so I tried to speak to the other employees and ask them what to do. Eventually, I was told off by the boss, that I was bugging people. Also, my attempts at humour didn't come across well, and I seemed to offend most of the women in my office (including one I fancied very much).
So now, nearly a year in, after being cautioned a few times, I've adjusted my behaviour. But I still find that people (i.e. girls) in the office react to me differently. They don't smile or share jokes or look as comfortable around me as they do others and I feel that they wish I'd go away when I try to talk to them.
Also, I met a girl from a different department at work, but I just can't get anywhere with her. She always lunches with her workmates and they talk about lunch AT LUNCH This means I can't get into their conversation because I don't know too much about their section.
So if you can imagine the scene, it's like I sometimes join them at lunch, I listen to the conversation, I try to ask her how she's doing, what she done at the weekend, etc, but all I get is one sentence word answers. I can never get to speak to her one-to-one. I don't even know if she likes me or not. I was alaso told that a different girl likes me, but I'm not sure how to approach her correcttly. I don't want to be too eager or not interested at all...
It drives me crazy because I feel like I'm being frozen out of the group. I know they don't know me that well, but I can't get into the conversation and I feel that she's uncomfortable.
You see I have a problem with groups and cliques. I'm an only child and I'm used to my own company, but I don't know how to get on well with people. I'm nervous, I say inappropriate things.
I've had this problem since college, where I felt I had to push into a group just to have group of "friends". But I never went out with them outside of college. Also illness prevented me from going out regularly.
It's depressing, I don't know what to do.
So, I'm 25 and I don't really have a social circle.
The title of the thread is how I feel...
Annoying it is too.
Stop giving a sh*t about what other people is a nice start. Why the hell do you want to talk to people who talk about lunch at lunch? All they're gonna do is talk sh*te anyway. And you put your self beneath people like that?, Jesus. For example if work was the Entertainment or the Blacks Men's folder. I'd leave. If the entertainment folder was my environment, I would kill. Developing listening skills would be helpful, but considering the state of things, probably better not to, unless you want to be tainted further. You can hear, you can read, you can write and you can talk. Any other skill added to that is called personality or talent. You have one, it's just that some people don't have an affinity towards it. No big deal.
There's no rule book stating how one should behave in life, so don't follow one unless you want to act like an auto-bot, and people like that normally get told to f**k off where I'm from. For example people who are easily offended aren't going to be my friend, because quite frankly I don't want them to be, it means curbing my behaviour which I'm not willing to do, because I'm better than most people where emotional and mental disciple is concerned and restraining myself because of other people's mental and emotional weaknesses is stupid and the highest insult to my god. Which is me...
Seriously it's pretty obvious that my friends are going to be of the non-judgemental sort, which they are. Therefore our "clique" so to speak has complete freedom of expression, no acts, no fronts, no begging for acceptance, no nothing.
At work, difficult to do, personally I'd rather not talk to anyone, but I get bugged alot for whatever reason, so have to engage in trival conversation with people I don't really give a damn about, and damn my body language is saying f**k off, but no one gets the hint. When I'm in the office which is rare I have to sit alone and not talk to anybody because, when I'm with other people we only waste time making Paedophilia jokes anyway, though of late we've strayed into abortion clinic fantasy territory.
Try and avoid obviously cliquey groups though like you see in pubs. They have the same conversations everyday and do the same thing everyday, etc, etc. and are the type of people who are general unfriendly unless they want something off you. Kind of like Churches really.
Look outside of work to make friends, and don't be fooled into thinking you have a problem either, because then you'll be uncomfortable, and folks would rather be around people who are more at one with themselves. f**k that body language sh*te. Even the most retarded idiots can make friends, mainly with other retarded idiots but still they don't think so, so that is what matters.
Pretty much zero thought goes into it. I'll be honest with you, most of the friends I have I can't remember how we became friends at all. It's just one of those things. Now you want to make friendship some sort of long personality changing and artificial process, heck people are even suggesting that....What are you going to do when you succeed, or do you expect them to say, oh he's changed I want to be his friend now, and like the sap you are you'd still be willing to take this person's company?
Most people's friends are on MySpace or something, those sort of friendships are based on what they do and not who they are for the most part.
Be the one who decides who is worthy of your time and who is not. If you think you've got a problem then that is the problem in itself.
Simple.
And remember in some langauges their isn't a word for lonely. Which suggests you've somewhere down the line developed an artificial way of feeling.
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2deal2
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Posted: Monday February 5th, 2007 16:54 |
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Peacemaker - Your response was about as welcome as a slap in the face and a bucket of water. Thanks  So I value your words. They were strong but I understand them. It's just that I need to do other things outside of work.
Justavoice - Thanks...
Facetygyal and Blessingfromgod - I like what you're saying. Facetygyal - where/what club or events do you go to?
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facetygal
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Posted: Monday February 5th, 2007 19:59 |
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| Bwoy sah I'm not a clubber/raver no more (can't socialise that way anyhow), ain't even been to a winebar in ages but tru my friend mention it a few times I'll take her up on her offer soon. I'm more into the dinner with a group of peeps, concerts/comedy shows, shoot some pool (ain't done that in ages actually), play arcade games (ain't done that in ages either!) flex. Depends what ur into aswell, I'm always down for trying something new.
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