| Author | |
|---|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 18:15 |
|
Had an arguement with my husband he ended the relationship and said he was moving out. I mentioned divorce he was like yeah thats fine, sent off for the divorce petition, house is going up for sale. I'm totally baffled.
I'm in shock but have accepted that its his choice and theres nothing I can do about it. We would have been married five years this August and we have two kids. I know I can be a pain in the butt sometimes but its a bit shocking.
I came to the conclusion that its proberly my illness I havent been well for the past three years and one of the side effects is depression, recently I've been really ill and had to go on steriods and the side affects are really low moods, but if I dont want to die then I need to take the meds. I feel really let down and quite embraressed. I havent told any of my family because I really dont know what to say. Its like a week ago we were really happy talking about setting up a business, and saying how well thinks are going.
Looks like the divorce with be amicable (sp?) because he's agreed to everything that I have suggested regarding the kids and money. He actually says theres nothing to talk about. So I guess thats it then soon so be a single mother at 23 years old. I never saw that coming.
____________________
EDUCATION IS FREEDOM AND POWER BE PROUD BE PERSISITANT BUT MOST OF ALL BE POSITIVE.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
liberiangirl
Villager
| Joined: | Sunday September 19th, 2004 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 765 |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |    |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 18:25 |
|
| A few things seem unclear. Just what exactly was the argument about?? I dont think any man will just up off and leave his wife without explaination, so could you explain the things that may have led up to this incident? I think that knowing how it got to this point might be able to allow you to have some closure. Last edited on Friday June 23rd, 2006 18:27 by liberiangirl
____________________
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the bible and we had the land. They taught us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them, they had bible, and they had the land.
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 18:58 |
|
Well I had been on my meds for like a week and the chronic pain had started to come back so I was very down because I was in pain down the right side of my body.
I had picked up the kids from school and was feeling too ill to cook so I said that I was going to M&S to a prepackaged food for dinner. He then calls and asks me to pick him up from work and reluctently I accept., Im expectly him to drive us to marks and spencers, he saids no I going to a work leaving do at 4pm. This is while I'm in chronic pain and have no food in the house. I'm shocked he's known this woman since january.
Anyway he's said he needs money, moneys really tight at the moment. at this point I get pissed, its Thursday I give him the last £50 that is to last us until monday. He goes to Sainburys buys fish fingers and chips and off he goes. He asks why I mad at him I said because he has messed up the shopping and the fiances for the week. I went on to ask did he know how many bills needed to be paid. Thats ist not fair that he doesny look at the fiances or bills. He doesny actaully touch is wages or even look in the bank account. I told him that I can cope with that when I'm not ill, but I cant cope now. He walks out doesn't say good buy to the kids, so there upset.
I leave it be, and 10.30pm I havent heard from him so I call hes like I'm dropping this girl I work with to Brixton I'll be back soon. I get upset because of previous times ive called late to find that hes dropping girls home, that have questionable intergrity. Giggling and talking crap in the backgroud when hes said its a lad night. Thats all in the past by the way, nether the less it hurt.
When he gets in I go out for a walk and I'm being quite irrational because he didnt call to say what time he would be back or to see if I was coping alright with the pain. And he knows that i worry a text would have been fine. I was doing the whole no one loves me or understands my illness, its not my fault the tablets make me low. This illness is killing me my life is over blah blah blah, I do have my moments. He was like I've had enough its over.
____________________
EDUCATION IS FREEDOM AND POWER BE PROUD BE PERSISITANT BUT MOST OF ALL BE POSITIVE.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Abissinia
Villager
| Joined: | Friday April 30th, 2004 |
| Location: | London, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 4576 |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 19:32 |
|
I am sorry to hear that kamkam.
Sounds like you’re both being stubborn, is there any chance you could hold fire on the divorce proceedings for a bit? Maybe spend some time apart thinking it and then get together to spend a weekend away somewhere quite just the two of you to see if there is a way you can work it out. Also what about going for marriage counseling? i just think you're both angry and hurt and trying to get one over the other and acting quite irrational, i mean filling for a divorce after a little disagreement doesn't sound right to me.
This is your marriage we’re talking about; I just think you should try a few things before completely giving up on it.
____________________
I am powerful and i am loved.
I am powerful and i am loving.
I am powerful and i love it!
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 19:55 |
|
Abbisinia,
I totally agree but if thats what he wants is there anything that I can do. He know the effects of the meds. I dont wanna be a burden on anyone. And believe me I do try, I've mentioned counselling so many times we are both in counselling separatly at the moment. And I feel bad because when I'm in pain I can be a right b**ch. And if he can't cope who am i to say try. I'm diffinetly irrational at the moment, but I'm not subborn. I have never given on our marriage. We got married when we were 18 years old so were both young.
Its like no matter how sick I am i do everything which makes me sicker, and he is a great dad and supports his family.
But its like what I ask for is a lot, and I hate asking for help went I know he wants to do something else its not fair on him. Its like if he wants to leave I want a clean brake, not all with we can say married crap. If we went back know it would kill me to say anything about my illness or my depression now that I feel like he doesnt want to know. I would rather just be alone right now. I hate him right now for letting me down I feel like a fool for thinking that he would be there for me. And he knows it true, the reaction I had is because I druged out on my mind on painkillers and steriods not because I'm a head case. I cant even think staight. I feel like saying Abissinia you talk to him.
Last edited on Friday June 23rd, 2006 20:03 by kamkam
____________________
EDUCATION IS FREEDOM AND POWER BE PROUD BE PERSISITANT BUT MOST OF ALL BE POSITIVE.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Abissinia
Villager
| Joined: | Friday April 30th, 2004 |
| Location: | London, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 4576 |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 20:52 |
|
Sis i think you need to do whatever is necessary to get yourself well, and if it means starting again with out him so be it. But i still think it's to early to give in, unless i am missing something crucial here it's the illness that's putting strain in your marriage which is to be expected especially since you both are very young.
Divorce lawyers and courts aren’t going anywhere so there is no reason to rush it, you both need to take some time apart and get together for some counseling session if you can convince him, even if he isn’t willing still take the time for yourself even just to give yourself the peace of mind that you’ve done everything possible in your part and if after 3 or so months and things hasn't changed, by all means precede with the divorce. I just think you're both to angry and too tired to make such a big decision right now.
____________________
I am powerful and i am loved.
I am powerful and i am loving.
I am powerful and i love it!
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
Vezz.
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 21:49 |
|
I agree with Abs.
You have too much to lose, especially right now. I think your husband may be feeling overburdened with earning enough to keep the house going so feels the need for some relief. Divorce is drastic, and I personally don't think it'll come to that, so smile
I'm not saying it's right, but I do feel that you, Kamkam, need to do the same. Then you won't feel so attached to him and you'd have your own identity.
PM me if you need support as, believe me, I know what it's like!
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Kunjufu
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Friday June 23rd, 2006 22:48 |
|
KamKam: If i may I'd like to add my voice tom the others and urge you to find a way to reconcile with your husband if you can... I don't think he or you realise that once the lawyers come into the picture it aint going to be so amicable TRUST ME ON THAT having been there myself...
For the record I think he is being a bit of a pratt too...five years is no time to be chucking the towel in...things are only worth it if you have to struggle..and this is part of the struggle..
One last point (a bit sensitive sorry) but are you too having 'relations' if you get my drift? If not can I say as a man, that for men, they need to feel wanted and loved too and have that reinforced, without it all sort of stupidness enters our head..
So please get him to open up and talk about this before you give up on this..
____________________
African heart, African mind
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 07:14 |
|
Thank you for all your replies
@Kunjufu yeah I get your drift recently we have, but remember I have a chronic illness before I was on the meds that I am now I could bearly move let alone have sex. And he did make some comments about it recently like " we have the best contraception we just don't have sex" then he laughed. Because he was saying that I would like to have another child.
Sometimes it seems like he is very forgetfully, the chances of me gettting pregnant are slim to none with this illness because the incidence with miscarriage is very high.
But of course as sson as the meds kicked in it was all on. Also Im not going to be on steriods for ever (fingers crossed, its side effects are too dangerous) I'm already starting to reduce the dosage his just has to bear with me.
I think that he feels bad because I broke it down to him and he had mistaken me being upset for anger ( i have had an anger problem in the past). And I can honestly say that I dont get angry and wasn't angry just felling sorry for myself everything that I said was reflected at me and not him.
We have been going so well, I'll see how this weekend goes and hopefully it will be resolved. I'm going to ask him if this is what he really wants.
Thank you Lady Vee
____________________
EDUCATION IS FREEDOM AND POWER BE PROUD BE PERSISITANT BUT MOST OF ALL BE POSITIVE.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Kunjufu
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 07:38 |
|
| KamKam: Please do not ask him if that is what he really wants, talk to him about the value of the marriage about all that you habe achieved and can stll achieve together...Do not start that convo on a negative... For it should be about redrawing bounderies and creating a better understanding on BOTH sides. and KamKam..I know you feel like crap when you're ill, but seriously you can't forget to the man know he is still attractive/needed..men are fickle trust me on that!!
____________________
African heart, African mind
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:14 |
|
@kunjufu
okay but he's said that he wants to end the relationship, I would look a bit crazy talking about the value of the marriage when he's ended the relationship.
Maybe first I will apologise for my behaviour. What do you think?
____________________
EDUCATION IS FREEDOM AND POWER BE PROUD BE PERSISITANT BUT MOST OF ALL BE POSITIVE.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
liberiangirl
Villager
| Joined: | Sunday September 19th, 2004 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 765 |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:30 |
|
| Apologizing could work........But I think that it would be better off it you started by asking him why he wants to end the relationship. Let him explain his side of the story and remember, if he says something critical dont cut him off and get defensive..... just let him explain himself.....and then go into explaining how you feel.....tell him everything that you have told us.
____________________
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the bible and we had the land. They taught us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them, they had bible, and they had the land.
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
Kunjufu
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:36 |
|
kamkam wrote: @kunjufu
okay but he's said that he wants to end the relationship, I would look a bit crazy talking about the value of the marriage when he's ended the relationship.
Maybe first I will apologise for my behaviour. What do you think?
No do not APOLOGISE......Yes I know he said he wants an end..and maybe he does...and if he's clear this is what he wants then fine let him go...... However if he truely loves you and care for the commitment he made then he will feel as badly as you do now..and will want to fight as hard to work through this difficulties.... afterall this is equally a part of Marriage as the good times and that has to be acknowledged..
My feelings is that asking for a discussion can't hurt, asking to talk through the issues (with a third party if necessary) can't hurt...telling him that you respect his decision but questioning calmly whether BOTH parties has really given the marriage a chance can't hurt..
But if it is to end, trust me there is still plenty to discuss and work through and for the sake of the children at least, the less disruption to them the better...
____________________
African heart, African mind
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:36 |
|
| U sure your husband isnt cheating on you?
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
Kunjufu
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:38 |
|
liberiangirl wrote: Apologizing could work........But I think that it would be better off it you started by asking him why he wants to end the relationship. Let him explain his side of the story and remember, if he says something critical dont cut him off and get defensive..... just let him explain himself.....and then go into explaining how you feel.....tell him everything that you have told us.
The above is DAMNED good Advice...just leave out the APOLOGY bit.....this needs to be a discussion of equals..anything less will not work!!
____________________
African heart, African mind
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Kunjufu
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:39 |
|
Black_power wrote: U sure your husband isnt cheating on you?
Damn BP...Henry Kissenger you are not LMAO....
____________________
African heart, African mind
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:46 |
|
well it just looks like hes using this lil arguement to get out quick...
think about it.
1) hes acting like he dont care...with the bills ect ect.. he obviously pulled himself out emotionly long time ago.
2) she sick with the whole back thingy....although unfortunet..some folk would take a look in the mirror and think "dang do I really have to put up with this??...likes too short"
3) he hints he wants a kid and she cant have em...
Last edited on Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:55 by
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
liberiangirl
Villager
| Joined: | Sunday September 19th, 2004 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 765 |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:54 |
|
| could you please offer some optimisitc advice for once in your life?......we're trying to get them to talk it out.....thanks.
____________________
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the bible and we had the land. They taught us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them, they had bible, and they had the land.
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 08:56 |
|
@BlackPower
Why do you think that he's cheating? I was waiting for you to come with this.
@K I'm not sure how to phrase what I need to say. Plus I know why he wants to end the relationship because he thought that I was angry and not upset. As I said before K there was a time when I was quite distructive and couldn't control my anger. So I can understand his fear. Thats why I feel bad but also thats in the past. He has more of a temper now than I do. I cant stand violence if he ever says anything remotely violent, I'm always like whats wrong with you is that nessasary (sp). So it really is kind of my fault.
____________________
EDUCATION IS FREEDOM AND POWER BE PROUD BE PERSISITANT BUT MOST OF ALL BE POSITIVE.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:02 |
|
Libby....shush.. grown folk be talking here
kammy.. why was you waiting for ME to mention cheating...must have been in your head all the time.
and may I ask what happend to your back? were you in a accident?
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:04 |
|
BlackPower its not like that at all lol. We couldn't afford anymore children anyway he knows that. Our kids go to private school its bloody expensive. He the one that said he never ever wanted to have anymore children. Now that our son is two and a half hes getting broody because hes growing up.
Its more than a back thingy, anyway I can have children theres just a high rise to the baby but there is specialist care that I would get.
Right now I'm as well as I have been in a long time, just need to sort out the right dose of meds. Plus just lost over three stones in weight. Things should be looking up apart from my little low mood the other night.
Because I know what your like BP!
A systemic autoimmune disorder means that it affects your whole body (systemic) and that your immune system, which normally protects you from outside invaders such as bacteria, turns on parts of your own body and attacks them as if they were invaders. Connective tissue is the "glue" that supports and connects various parts of the body; it includes skin, cartilage, and other tissue in the joints and surrounding the heart and lungs and within the kidney and other organs.
Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (sis-TEM-ick LOO-pus err-ah-theme-ahTOE-sus) is a chronic (long-lasting) rheumatic disease which affects joints, muscles and other parts of the body. Lupus involves inflammation (the immune system's response to kill foreign agents, virus, bacteria). Systemic lupus erythematosus involves chronic inflammation that can affect many parts of the body, including:
- Heart
- Lungs
- Skin
- Joints
- Blood-forming organs
- Kidneys
- Nervous system
Last edited on Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:18 by kamkam
____________________
EDUCATION IS FREEDOM AND POWER BE PROUD BE PERSISITANT BUT MOST OF ALL BE POSITIVE.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
Kunjufu
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:04 |
|
kamkam wrote: @BlackPower
Why do you think that he's cheating? I was waiting for you to come with this.
@K I'm not sure how to phrase what I need to say. Plus I know why he wants to end the relationship because he thought that I was angry and not upset. As I said before K there was a time when I was quite distructive and couldn't control my anger. So I can understand his fear. Thats why I feel bad but also thats in the past. He has more of a temper now than I do. I cant stand violence if he ever says anything remotely violent, I'm always like whats wrong with you is that nessasary (sp). So it really is kind of my fault.
Sorry Kamkam...but I disagree with you..YOU don't anything, you are ASSuming and further if i may be so bold..you are being way too hard on yourself...YOU are 23, that is no age..so what if you were a spoilt brat in the past...I'm damn sure he wasn't St Francis...come on now stop being an Apologist!!
You both got Married with your eyes OPEN...Marriage should mean a bit more than, da wife's kicked off so I'm outta here, come on now...people do that in a relationship..NOT in a Marriage..PLEASE just TALK to him even if its for closure..
and DON'T worry about the right words, just speak how you feel and then that carry you through..
Last edited on Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:11 by Kunjufu
____________________
African heart, African mind
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
|
liberiangirl
Villager
| Joined: | Sunday September 19th, 2004 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 765 |
| Photo: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:05 |
|
Well kamkam I would ask still ask him why he wants to end the relationship. Dont just assume you know all the reasons, for he may have a few that he never expressed to you before. And i am glad you told us about your past anger problems, now it makes things a bit clearer. But it is essential that you guys put all of your feeling and thoughts out on the table.
And I understand about having issues with expressing yourself. I am shy in real life and verbally, not a very good communicater. I find that writing my feelings helps alot and puts a few things in perspective. So is it possible that you could write what your thoughts and feelings are so that they are much clearer to yourself? Or if not, you can just try writing him a letter.
Last edited on Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:11 by liberiangirl
____________________
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the bible and we had the land. They taught us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them, they had bible, and they had the land.
____________________
Click here for your Black Profile
|
kamkam
Villager
Click here for your Black Profile
Search for Black Sites
|
Posted: Saturday June 24th, 2006 09:19 |
|
