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| Moderated by: Saida.M, safetyblitz, Raven, Miss Brighter Days, LadyDay, Kunjufu, Kibibi, Happiness, Dillinger, Breadfruit, Backatya |
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EF MAX
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Posted: Monday June 5th, 2006 18:07 |
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Can you help a sista??
Brief outline:
Mrs A, been hooked up to a loser – Mr A for over 20 years of which 10 have been married, divorce now pending and two children under ten in tow.
Last 8yrs has been a physically and emotionally violent nightmare.
We have Mrs A, safe now. The laws not to helpful but friends like me are.
Okay, Mrs A has lost her self esteem, is scared of any communication with Mr A. The kids still have bi-monthly contact and stay over once a month as well.
Mr A, is a charmer with the social services and police but behind close doors is a number 1 B@stard.
Mrs A has been encouraged to come to my local college and gain new skills. She has a degree in languages and speaks at least three languages and her children are bilingual and smart [though psychological they are scars].
Divorce is final in three months, and she is worried. The settlement has not been kind to her, she says she has no friends and has spent the last 8 yrs reliving her hell on a daily basis, by constantly talking about the negatives in her life and refusing to try and build some positivity in her daily routine.
She has a counsellor [who I think is not very good]. I am too close to her for effective counselling though she does listen to me, but her fear of men and their bad manners means she keeps some distance between us.
She is desperate to get his family and his friends to like her, to accept her and to recognise that she is not too blame for his bad manners or adultery..
Now as a man [not as a male counsellor but as a mate who is male], there is no way I can offer her the same constructive advice that a woman can, so can anyone here, male or female – relate to this equation and offer both of us some answers.. I can already state and do the obvious for her but coming from another person or another objective might help us both to be able to help her move forward.. and she needs to move on as her counselor is ignoring the fact that she is near a breakdown.
I could professionally offer her Trigger Point Therapy [hypnotherapy, psychotherapy and holistic massage] but I do not wish to be her counsellor, just her friend without any compromises. [ I do not professional practice on friends or family] bit like a doctor writing a prescription out for a friend or family,, not very professional or ethical..
TIA.
Last edited on Monday June 5th, 2006 18:09 by EF MAX
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Life is for Living, Loving and Laughing, so do it to the Max..
Dr.E - http://www.hometonight.co.uk
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Monday June 5th, 2006 19:14 |
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EF Max: need to make a two really obvious points..
- I’m sure you’re already aware that given she has adopted negative learnt behaviours over a twenty year period, its going to take at least two possibly three years to begin with,just to break even…so I’m not sure there will be an immediate quick fix…
- Also I really don’t think it would be a very good idea for you to cross boundaries and become her therapist…I’m sure you already know the serious pitfalls that could occur from this scenario..so I won’t teach you to suck eggs.
Obviously from the little bit you wrote it appears to me that your friend has the classic ‘abused woman syndrome’…her lack of motivation may also be the beginnings of clinical depression.
However if I was thinking of what has worked for me through professional and personal experience…two techniques spring to mind…. One that is commonly used with people with LD, but could be adapted for this scenario, that would be Gentle teaching..ie not to stop the negative behaviour, rather replace it with something else, by product would be to stop her focusing on that biscuit of an ex husband and the negativities.. I would as you have already done attempt to replace that negativity with a new positive activity…
However given her very low self esteem, I think the order of the day would be to set small achievable tasks, that she felt emphasise the positive and avoids making her feel like a failure…which is very easily done if her friends were to push her to hard to fast..
I would also use a mixture of Motivational interview & Critical thinking strategies to support in the early stages, by helping her to visually map out her opportunities and then to draw up a stage by stage plan of how to action these plans.. Sometimes people need to see the physical evidence and reflect on ti rather than to constantly told verbally..
Personally I think its too much to ask someone in that position to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when they’ve had pretty much nothing else to compare and contrast with. So akin to the steps one might take with someone on substance abuse… It might be helpful to work with someone through various steps at a stage by stage basis..laborious I know but sometimes that is whats needed..
I might do this by
1. Visualising or actively researching a range of local opportunities and presenting these as options for consideration, she then remains in charge and I'm not further disempowering her.
2. Verbally talk through on a step by step basis what she would need to do in order to access these opportunities, if need be on a step by step basis.
3. Visually record a plan of action on a chart or her diary etc..
4. Then offer support to implement the plan on an agreed day..
5. and review how it went..
I know it sounds very basic, and I know it also resembles the KOLB learning cycle...but simple is best sometimes..that said I don’t even think its hugely important if sje is successful on the first attempt, I think the priority is to get her to start THINKING, and self motivated to do something. I think evetually once she is on this road she will see what others see, and the rest will take care of itself….
In my experience people remain vulnerable to stronger personalities, only when they believe they don't have other options or opportunities outside of these people.. Once they see beyond them, their hold is not as strong...
If by chance the lady in question is reading this..my advice to her is simply this...I know its hard, and yes it difficult...so all i would urge you to do is to try and to THINK about the ideas that will be presented to you...even if you then decide to reject these ideas..that is still good because at least you will have discovered what doesn't work for you, and you can then move on to the next option/s.
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African heart, African mind
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