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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Monday May 15th, 2006 23:38 |
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I have been going out with a guy for around 11 years on and off .In the off years we have both seen other people but always seem to get back together.we have even had one child each a boy in the off years . We are both not with the other halves.my son is 8 and his is 7.
We get on really good and have the same sence of humour. the reason we split up so many times is his lack of attention to me.Dont get me wrong he can be very loving and affectionate but some times he lapses into his old ways and it makes me feel like unloved and not thought about.
Sometimes the relationship can become boring and i feel like its just sex cooking meals for him and the company of a warm bed at night , He has his own flat.he is self employed and his money dosent come in as readily as he would like it.I myself have a part-time job and i give him a bit of cash when he is low on money. When he comes round after work after hes eaten thats it he falls asleep so i may as well be on my own its no fun watching some one sleeping and i hate him for it . Im not a boring person i love to have fun and laff and joke and very young at heart.
I am begining to feel ignored at the moment because over the easter he never suggested taking me out anywhere. weve had invites to go out with couples to parties etc and he never wants to go his reasons range from not having anything to wear, no money, not wanting to drive his white van, not in the mood, I always end up going with the couples i know they dont mind as they are good friends but i feel like a gooseberry and resenting him for not being by my side. We had a big argument about this one night and i told him how i felt, and his reply was " dont go tellin anyone i dont take you out" which i replied i think they know that anyway.
The last straw was this weekend i hadnt heard from him all week except when i phoned him to say "hi was every thing ok with him" as he had been working away on a big contract. Anyway Saturday came the day he has his son for the weekend and surprise surprise he calls me saying his son wants to play with my son was i at home ? i wasnt at the time so i said so , he said hell see me later then but he didnt phone he txted me to ask if a could baby sit his son so he could GO FOR A DRINK WITH HIS COUSIN  . I was fuming but i kept cool he could tell by the tone of my voice i wasnt very happy but i said yes i really wanted to say no but he is really good with my son and takes him out and about with him , so i didnt want to involve his child in the argument. Anyway he phoned me back a couple of hours later saying his sister is having his son , i said ok and put the phone down on him..... not heard from his since and to be honest cant be bothered to phone him neither.
Is this the time to finish this once and for all ? do you think he should have done something with me that weekend as he had cash in his pocket.I cant fiqure out why he was being so unthoughtful.  I know you guys will give me a kick up the backside  I KNOW I NEED ONE . I have been so chupid . THANKS FOR READING.
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Monday May 15th, 2006 23:43 |
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Honestly...I think you should sit him down, tell him what you've just told us and then see how he reacts...That will tell you whether you should stay or call it a day..imo..
Give him the chance to respond....before you decide.
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Monday May 15th, 2006 23:53 |
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thanks for your reply Kunjufu I HEAR YA but dont you think he should know this already can he really be that unthoughtful, cant he understand why i was so off with him. After the big argument and everything. He supposed to be my man.
It was like a big slap in my face asking me to look after his son while he went out . He dosent lay down with his cousin .I have never asked him to look after my son when i go out .
And then not hearing from him since how do you explain that 
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 00:06 |
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In an ideal world...he should have an idea why you're so pissed with him...Problem is that its not an ideal world. from his point of view he felt he asking his partner for a legitimate favour, she went off on him and he probably thought WTF!!!! better stay away until she cool off mad woman..
So going back a few steps, if you want be to be brutally honest...its partly your fault.. You clearly did not have a strong enough convo, about bounderies and your needs at the BEGINNING of the relationships,(key word BEGINNING). YOU then allowed yourself to drift in and out of this relationship at will..can you really be surprised at the current state of affairs?
You now have to make a serious decision about what you need and about what you want, once you have decided TELL HIM!! tell him calmly..tell him when you're not at loggerheads and then allow him to respond!1... It will be up to him to either step up to the plate...or leave..either way you will know where you stand..
Good luck
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facetygal
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 10:56 |
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| Don't feel like u owe this man any favours because he is good to ur son, if he can't come correct u need to have the strength to tell him bounce and bounce for good. Just think of the reasons why u kept breaking up in the first place, do u really wanna spend another 11yrs going through the same cycle? You need something more stable not just for u but for ur son aswell.
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Backatya
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 11:11 |
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@ sweet sugar dumplin
I have only one question. Given that it has been an off and on thing over 11 years, and given all you have just said (nothing there to offer much hope), what is there in it for you that causes you to keep going back to the relationship? In fact, Why would you want to stay in it? Sorry that's two questions.
Maybe you are just not the one for him and serve as a 'convenience' for him until something better comes along. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I am trying to get you to ask yourself the pertinent questions about this relationship and to consider if you really have a future (one you would be happy with) with this guy.
I tend to feel that it's a kind of 'rule of law' that 'when one accepts crap, crap is all one tends to get'. And that applies to both men and women.
Respect
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 11:12 |
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facetygal wrote: Don't feel like u owe this man any favours because he is good to ur son, if he can't come correct u need to have the strength to tell him bounce and bounce for good. Just think of the reasons why u kept breaking up in the first place, do u really wanna spend another 11yrs going through the same cycle? You need something more stable not just for u but for ur son aswell.
Respect for your reply. Your right i dont owe him any favours, but when we get back together its always good but then he lapses back into his same old routine. Ifeel we always get back together when we are not seeing anyone else. we are both in our late 30s and when we split and i see someone else i always seem to find fault with them . in a way its better the devil you know which i know is wrong sometimes.
He is the only man my son has seen in my bed, so can you understand why im a bit like this. I know i have to find the strenth to tell him to bounce but i hate confrontatation but i know its what i have to do. But i think why should i waste my breath on something he should know already. After 11 years he should know how i think and feel.
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 11:22 |
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so your son didnt see HIS OWN DAD in your bed??
WTF
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facetygal
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 12:11 |
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Maybe the dad bounced before the son was born?
Listen he's ur fallback guy he is not someone u can have a serious relationship with. I have one of them and as bad as it sounds when things aren't going well for me I do call him, he may also do the same with me. We all have to go through the meeting someone new phase and yes it can be daunting but it can also be a wonderful experience. Even if ur not compatible relationship wise u can form good friendships, but while ur mind is still on this guy ur not giving genuine good men the chance to get to know u. Ok let me put it to u like this: don't waste ur time on someone who is not prepared to waste their time on u. I've just recently had to learn that one myself, and as hard as it may be it's a true fact.
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 12:40 |
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Black_power wrote: so your son didnt see HIS OWN DAD in your bed??
WTF
No not as he would understand i split with my sons dad when he was 3 years old. I should have clarified that.
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 13:01 |
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facetygal wrote: Maybe the dad bounced before the son was born?
Listen he's ur fallback guy he is not someone u can have a serious relationship with. I have one of them and as bad as it sounds when things aren't going well for me I do call him, he may also do the same with me. We all have to go through the meeting someone new phase and yes it can be daunting but it can also be a wonderful experience. Even if ur not compatible relationship wise u can form good friendships, but while ur mind is still on this guy ur not giving genuine good men the chance to get to know u. Ok let me put it to u like this: don't waste ur time on someone who is not prepared to waste their time on u. I've just recently had to learn that one myself, and as hard as it may be it's a true fact.
 thanks @ Facetygal glad you understand my predicument as you have lived it.Thanks for your honesty and yes you are right. In your words he is my fallback guy some one to fill the void. Why should i very true waste my time on him i wonder if he is hurting his head over me.as i have not heard from him since last saturday maybee the answer lies there.
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Kibibi
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 13:40 |
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Wow.
The fact that you both managed to have children with other people and not each other, after 11 years, says it all really.
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 13:54 |
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BlackBeauty wrote: Wow.
The fact that you both managed to have children with other people and not each other, after 11 years, says it all really
What do you mean says it all.
I got pregnant when i wasnt was him. But in all honesty i dont think his kid is his neither does his sister but no ones said it outright to him. He had his doubts but not taken any action .
We have a good sex life im not on contraception but he cant get me pregnant.after 4 yrs of trying. Have i said too much.
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Soulstarr
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 14:03 |
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sweet sugar dumplin wrote: BlackBeauty wrote: Wow.
The fact that you both managed to have children with other people and not each other, after 11 years, says it all really
What do you mean says it all.
I got pregnant when i wasnt was him. But in all honesty i dont think his kid is his neither does his sister but no ones said it outright to him. He had his doubts but not taken any action .
We have a good sex life im not on contraception but he cant get me pregnant.after 4 yrs of trying. Have i said too much.
I think I agree with BB. The way I see it that if you have both managed to have children with other people (regardless if theres a question mark over his) shows that there just isn't enough commitment there. Besides, 11 years is a very long time to be "on and off". It seems you guys have gotten more into that routine than a relationship
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 14:18 |
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I think I agree with BB. The way I see it that if you have both managed to have children with other people (regardless if theres a question mark over his) shows that there just isn't enough commitment there. Besides, 11 years is a very long time to be "on and off". It seems you guys have gotten more into that routine than a relationship
Yes you do have a point.
Routine can be hard to break. but i must try to break this one.
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Kibibi
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 20:18 |
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Soulstarr wrote:
I think I agree with BB. The way I see it that if you have both managed to have children with other people (regardless if theres a question mark over his) shows that there just isn't enough commitment there. Besides, 11 years is a very long time to be "on and off". It seems you guys have gotten more into that routine than a relationship]
My point exactly.
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Saida.M
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 21:41 |
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Good luck sweet sugar dumpling with any decision you make .
Come back and let us know how you got on (deeply interested in this one for a number of reasons).
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"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 21:44 |
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BlackBeauty wrote: Soulstarr wrote:
I think I agree with BB. The way I see it that if you have both managed to have children with other people (regardless if theres a question mark over his) shows that there just isn't enough commitment there. Besides, 11 years is a very long time to be "on and off". It seems you guys have gotten more into that routine than a relationship]
My point exactly.
My pregnancy wasnt planned i was on contraception my sons father wasnt keen on me having the baby but im glad i did as i wanted my child. my sons father now lives out of the country due to unfortunate circumstances but he still supports his son and they talk frequently.
My partner and i were trying for a baby well before i got pregnant by my ex but nothing happened thats why he doubts the child he has now is not his as i said we have been trying for a baby up untill now nothing i have asked him to go for a sperm count but he refuses .
Just thought id clear that up but i respect your views.
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Tuesday May 16th, 2006 21:51 |
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athaba wrote: Good luck sweet sugar dumpling with any decision you make .
Come back and let us know how you got on (deeply interested in this one for a number of reasons).
THANK YOU @ athaba it is deep and soul searching for me.
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Posted: Sunday May 21st, 2006 18:33 |
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Wow, to me it seems you enjoy having fun with several men. even if you call it a day, What made think you next man would be Mr right.
I feel sorry for your son, he would be confused........he is about to know someone else as daddy.
somewhere the committment is missing.
The best time to leave this guy is when you find it, else It would be the same old story again.
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Prince Hakeem
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Posted: Sunday May 21st, 2006 19:36 |
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| ^^^You at it again eh?
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Blackthought
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Posted: Monday May 22nd, 2006 16:50 |
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This story could pass for a soap opera....
Sleeping with someone on and off for 11 years.. damn how long does it take for one to come to their senses....
Anyway good luck with your decision
Peace
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sweet sugar dumplin
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Posted: Monday May 22nd, 2006 17:05 |
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Blackthought wrote: This story could pass for a soap opera....
Sleeping with someone on and off for 11 years.. damn how long does it take for one to come to their senses....
Anyway good luck with your decision
Peace
Cheers Blackthought . so right should have been AXED from about series 3 .
ANY WAY Thanks for everyones comments needed a bit of neutral advice . And i finally told him to bounce like a ball . Mainly from some of the posts def WONT BE GOING BACK FOR A REPEAT PERFORMANCE. 11 years was a long time and nothing to show for it.
ONCE AGAIN THANKS ALL SEEN THE LIGHT AND BOY ITS BRIGHT 
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Blackthought
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Posted: Monday May 22nd, 2006 17:14 |
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sweet sugar dumplin wrote: Blackthought wrote: This story could pass for a soap opera....
Sleeping with someone on and off for 11 years.. damn how long does it take for one to come to their senses....
Anyway good luck with your decision
Peace
Cheers Blackthought . so right should have been AXED from about series 3 .
ANY WAY Thanks for everyones comments needed a bit of neutral advice . And i finally told him to bounce like a ball . Mainly from some of the posts def WONT BE GOING BACK FOR A REPEAT PERFORMANCE. 11 years was a long time and nothing to show for it.
ONCE AGAIN THANKS ALL SEEN THE LIGHT AND BOY ITS BRIGHT
Is that why you popped on your sun glasses...
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