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P-dot
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 15:27 |
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Well....
I have been with my man for 2 years... i really love him.... but...
He has this temper.... he gets mad quickly, starts shouting and sometimes i get scared he will hit me.
He complains about his ex (the mother of his daughter) being a B**** but people i speak to who know her say that she got tired of his temper.
The smallest things will set him of.... he hates soft touches because they "tickle" and even an accidental touch will set him off... also if you touch/communicate with him wen he's sleeping he goes nuts.
I love him and i know he loves me..... when i get upset he's always sorry after.
Is this domestic violence? what should i do? he has hit me before.... but he normally makes it into a joke... He sometime forces me to do things i dont want to e.g lockin me in the house or physically stopping me from leaving.
But 95% of the time its great we have fun laugh talk about the future.... but that 5%.....
Help!!! any advice anyone?
Last edited on Tuesday April 4th, 2006 15:27 by P-dot
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 15:31 |
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P-dot: you need to get out of that situation NOW..... by staying with him you are in effect sanctioning his behaviour...
You man has a problem, only he can recgnise it and only he can take the steps to change..if he wants to...there is nothing you can do to bring that about only he can do it..
So my advice is that you need to make plans and withdraw as quickly as possible, sorry.
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 15:38 |
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 well there was an incident last week..... I left him..... he keeeps calling....apologising. I aint answering his calls. We dont live together but i used to stay round regularly.... he sometimes "plays" these games where he waves knives at me and sez he's gonna cut me up.... I dont think he would... he's not psycho.... just bin thru a lot...
I wanna take him to church to see a counsellor.... I dunno if he'll agree, he's pretty anti-church.
KJ(like ur new nickname -lol) - I dont wanna leave him.... i do love him.... do you think he was abused as a child? (the whole touching thing makes me think sometimes....).
He's a really good dad and a really good boyfriend (well...most of the time).... an he's been there for me through some serious stuff....
Is it really that bad? or does it just look bad on paper?
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 15:50 |
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P-Dot: Sorry but without seeing him in the flesh or having more information o hand it would be difficult to speculate further about the causes of his behaviour...
However I do know this...the situation you just described is highly dangerous and I cannot say it strongly enough YOU must NOT return to it.....
You've talked about being 'hit', being falsely imprisoned and now that he plays with knives...these are disinhibited behaviours that does not sound as if the person in question has much grip with reality...
The fact is P-dot...people cannot be rescued by love, kindness or turning a blind eye to their behaviours.. you're NOT helping him and you're putting yourself in my opinion in extreme danger..
Yes i know its painful BUT..there does come a time when you have to be honest with yourself..and allow the person to fall down..so they might get up...Its called tough love.. You do not help people by rescuing them from themselves all you're doing is putting off the inevitable...
This is NOt about good or bad, its not about whether he is caperble of love..the bold facts as you've described it..is that your Boyfriend is unwell...I suspect he's having a complete emotional breakdown.. there's nothing you can do except ensure you're there afterwards to support him...
You cannot support him from himself, and you cannot FORCE him to get help unless he recognises that he needs it... If he is having a phychotic episode then we are talking a whole new ball game and I'm sorry it will be up to the state or his family to start that ball rolling..
Last edited on Tuesday April 4th, 2006 15:53 by Kunjufu
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AfriCariBrit
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 16:17 |
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@P-dot
You've had some excellant advice from K, and to be frank, he's been much more gentle and sympathetic than i felt having read your post. The bottom line is you must either leave and save yourself (and possibly him too if he really loves you enough to deal with his problems and change), or, shut the hell up and take the abuse. He has hit you as a 'joke', locked you in the house against your will, and plays 'games' in which he threatens you with knives and you're asking if it only looks bad on paper!  Are you for real?  The guy sounds like a prize jerk and you sound like you need to remember to love, respect and look after yourself before you start on about loving him. In the 5% of the time where he's being 'not so nice', he could seriously hurt or even kill you - which personally, i don't find funny at all.
You say you've left him, then you say you don't wanna leave him, which suggests that if you have left you're gonna go back - PLEASE DON'T - You need to ensure you're safe and it doesn't sound like you are with this guy. You NEED to leave, run away, run hard, run fast and don't stop till you reach your friends and family and make them be the ones to lock you up and keep you the hell away from him. I hope you have supportive friends and family around you to help you through it all. Good luck.
Last edited on Tuesday April 4th, 2006 16:23 by AfriCariBrit
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 16:28 |
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Maybe I was in denile.... I think you guys might be right..... I often accuse him of having mental problems but he laughs it off..... He just called me and i answered. all he had to tell me was to "be cool" and that "you know you love me and i love you". Well.... I told him straight. I love him but i don't like him. I told him to sort it out. He told me its sorted. I told him i want my stuff.... he said come and get it (bad idea so i won't be doing that). I told him to holla at me when he's fixed up.... i've spoken to his sister as well an she sez she's gonna help him out.
Love is such a complex thing.... right now my heart hurts, remembering all the good times.... his daughter is also a part of my life and if we break up forever i may never see her again.... which is why i hope to God he sorts it out.....i feel so lonely!
I never told my mum about him because she wouldnt approve of anything about him.... his age...background....child...job... nothing, so i'm going through this alone.
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 16:35 |
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P-dot: i know its hard..but he sounds as if he needs the sort of help you cannot provide....I really cannot impress upon you enough that the situation you described to us today.. Is very volitle and dangerous...you must not under any circumstances put yourself in situation where you're 1-1 with this man...he is not safe..
If he rings suggest that he visits his GP, but my advice is not to get into any dialogue with him..and please do not try to convince that he's unwell..he won't get it...he can't get it...I suspect his awareness of his own behaviour is very limited..
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AfriCariBrit
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 17:06 |
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You aint alone now P-dot, you got your Blacknet fam on board and we care bout you hon 
I think K is right in saying its perhaps not much use trying to convince him that he's unwell, and I also think that you should steer away from thinking that as he's 'ill' its not his 'fault' - although this may be true and his behaviour may have been caused by things outside his control, he's the one that needs to step-up and take control and accountability for his behaviour and do all he can to change it, nothing else will work. And at least he has a sister who willing to help him so he's not going to be going through it alone.
Your mum may not be the best person to turn to about this, even if she did know him, when someone or something is hurting our children, its pretty impossible to be objective about it. How about your wider fam, brothers, sisters cousins or your girl-friends? someone of your own ageset who can get where you're coming from in terms of how much you care about him, but who also cares about you and your safety and happiness first and foremost, anybody like that you can think of? And keep bizi, both in mind and in action, try not to sit and dwell on the good times (and I do know that thats really tuff), but it wont help you to stay away from him and above all else, you do need to stay away from him.
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 17:36 |
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THanks for the replies.
Well @africaribrit
I am reluctant to tell my girls or my close cousins what has happened.... all i will get is "i told you so". None of them ever liked him, mainly because he was rude to quite a few of my friends.....
I will survive.... I'm gonna go to a kickboxing class later to let off some steam... i dont think this is the end of me an him.... but it's the end for now.... maybe wen he can prove to me he's getting help i might talk to him.
I might go down there with his sister to get my stuff... some of it is really needed e.g textbooks and my charger.
Thanks 4 all the advice KJ an AKB..... it really appreciated.
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 17:57 |
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No worries hon. Keep safe and keep your head up. 
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:12 |
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it aint domestic voilence cos he ainr been voilent...
but never the less it is abuse... and if you have to tred on egg shells then i it really worth it?
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:15 |
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Black_power wrote: it aint domestic voilence cos he ainr been voilent...
but never the less it is abuse... and if you have to tred on egg shells then i it really worth it?
That is the worse part of it.... the smallest thing will set it off! If he was Nigerian i would think someone went to the shrine and did this to him..... i cant touch him without him goin nutts.... is it normal for guys not to like being touched esp. softly?
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:20 |
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@p-dot
I can sort of relate to what you are saying, i am in a situation where im faced with a dilemma of leaving a abusive partner, But the thing is it is hard he is the father of my children and i feel if leave him there is no going back.
This month is a very significant and poignant time for my partner it would be the 7th anniversary of his daughter death. Who was tragically taken away from him which i don't really want to get into right now,,
But every year is the same,, i have to be careful what i say what i do it's like walking on egg shells.
He has hit me before giving me a black eye
This year i have thought about going away and taken the kids for a bit of space.
Am i doing the right thing by running from the problem?
Instead of tackling the underlying issues!?
He has had counselling, which he has stopped going to saying he don't need to go anymore!!
Im not so sure!!
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:25 |
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Yeah thats part of his problem.... dealing with grief..... mothers day and his mums birthday in the same week.... she died 5 years ago.
Do i think you should leave him? You guys have a blood link so i think you should try and seek help for him.... is he the type to get angry over you doing this?
Does he hurt your kids or you in front of your kids? if the answer to either is yes then leave him!
We have no kids together.... he has never given me a bruise (i dont really bruise anyway).... he's pushed me, slapped me once (a joke gone wrong).... and does a lot of restraining....
You have to do wots best for your kids at the end of the day.
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:30 |
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lol listen to unnu...looking for excuse to justify why your man slags you off and in "some" cases knocks you about...
Grief aint no excuse......
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:35 |
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P-dot
He has never hit me in front of the kids,,but that particular day he might as well had coz my kids were upstairs asleep unaware of what was happening.
See me! im not a violent person at all, but if you push me too far i will snap! and im scared i will snap.
Any way i know what i need to do! and it's only me who can do that!!
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:41 |
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Black_power wrote: lol listen to unnu...looking for excuse to justify why your man slags you off and in "some" cases knocks you about...
Grief aint no excuse......
Who's justifying what?? not me
I agree with you! grief is no exscuse to tump up anyone!!
But i won't and never will tolerate that again!!
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:46 |
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| Don't get it twisted if man thumped me i wud thump him back.... wen he holds on to me i cant usually get out cos he does weights an ting so i jus relax an he'll let go.... but if he thumped me like actually banged me.... I wud mash him up!!! wen i was in skool i used 2 fite but its bin years since i had a serious rockers... But its like riding a bike... you never forget how.
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:58 |
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P-dot: Bereavement is a difficult thing to work through and the way people grieve takes many forms....however I think i can say with some certainty that there a lot more than bereavement going on for your boyfriend....please do not mistake a trigger event for the cause of someone's behaviours...
Your ex partner or otherwise has far deeper problems than suffering from loss....
Chantel:When i read your account i was very sad and I have to be honest very angry....
Why are you waiting to get HIT again before you do something...Do not wait for a crisis before you decide to act..you must and should act NOW whilst things are calm... and PLEASE do not keep quiet about any beatings you recieve..scream it from the rooftops..your best protection is to make sure EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE knows his behaviour and that he knows that you follow through on any threats you make...
Do say one thing, make threats and then do nothing....because you might as well bwend over and ask for another kicking....in short thats suicide..
Last point...I promise you faithfully that your children KNOW that you have fighting, they will either sense it, sense your distress or sense the behaviour between the two of you...THAT is why you need to deal with this NOW.... Either that or condemn your children to either repeat your mistakes..or worse HIS mistakes..
Don't accept the status quo..
Last edited on Tuesday April 4th, 2006 18:59 by Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 19:18 |
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@ Kunjufu
I hear what you sayin!! But
It's easy for you to say get out the relationship,,but there is more to it than that.
But i don't think you will undertsand the logic behind it.
And i don't want you to be anymore angry than what you are now.
At least you give a hoot, i tried telling my mum, she just kissed her teet and said " me tell ya him mad"
He 's not mad !! he just misses his daughter,, thats all!
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 19:27 |
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chantel7 wrote: @ Kunjufu
I hear what you sayin!! But
It's easy for you to say get out the relationship,,but there is more to it than that.
But i don't think you will undertsand the logic behind it.
And i don't want you to be anymore angry than what you are now.
At least you give a hoot, i tried telling my mum, she just kissed her teet and said " me tell ya him mad"
He 's not mad !! he just misses his daughter,, thats all!
you know what? i can just imagine that comment coming out of my best friends mouth if i told her....
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 19:30 |
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Please don’t make an excuse or try and make it sound less disturbing. Whatever life they may have had in the past should not excuse their bad treatment of you, and everyone knows the kids will be better off living with one parent than with one who freaks out at being touched and another who is tiptoeing around the person who she supposedly loves. What’s that teaching the kids? To fear their partner, to think violence is normal family life? You know over time the kids will also start to fear the father and resent the mother for being weak.
@P-dot sis I am scared for you, please get out now and do not even think about going back. You should not be scared of the person who you are supposed to feel protected by, personally that’s reason enough not to be together. Also you are in a romantic relationship, how in the heck does the not touching thing work?
Sis please read what you’d written and tells me it doesn’t sound like a nightmare?
Please, please do not go back also do not waste this time waiting for this change, instead go find things to do, seriously use the time to do things you always wanted but never got the chance because of being a couple. There is so much to do, you can enrol at the local college to do language courses, join a gym, salsa classes, yoga, dancing, seriously so much fun things to do that will leave you feeling fantastic and also you get to meet so many new people and keep your mind occupied.
Also it’s very important we (females) have the support of our sisters when we going through break up’s, so choose one close friend and speak to her, let her know that you need her support and not judgement.
Good luck to the both of you!
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Kunjufu
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Posted: Tuesday April 4th, 2006 19:39 |
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chantel7 wrote: @ Kunjufu
I hear what you sayin!! But
It's easy for you to say get out the relationship,,but there is more to it than that.
But i don't think you will undertsand the logic behind it.
And i don't want you to be anymore angry than what you are now.
At least you give a hoot, i tried telling my mum, she just kissed her teet and said " me tell ya him mad"
He 's not mad !! he just misses his daughter,, thats all!
Chantel:I never said you should leave him....I didn't say that..I said you need to deal with it NOW while its calm...not at the point of crisis...
And chantel...look I'm not trying to come off like batman....I've been in a Bad relationship and saw no way out......
But you need to remember this...Its not a coincidence that children who are a product of violent or abusive household are MORE likely..not less likely MORE likely to:
Have early pregnancies..
Become abusers themselves..
Become involved in Criminal behaviour.
Have low educational achievements/standards.
Become addicted to drugs..
Become mentally ill and end up in the system..
Have problems relating to men/women and end up in abusive relationship themselves..
etc etc..
I sh*t you not...I'm not trying to scare you..I'm telling you what KNOW and what I see..the chances are slim that if you subject any child to that sort of environment, that they will come out NORMAL...It don't work like that...
You Chantel have a choice..either you accept the situation, in which case DON'T blame me ..blame yourself..You recognise that something has to be done.. At the very least your husband needs a bereavement counsellor to help him sort his thoughts out...
But he won't do anything if you accept a QUIET beatings....Your mother may not care..BUT you should, if not for yourself for your children... The message to him has to be clear if he lay hands on you call the police and have him charged..
And before you say that easy for me to say...I will tell you han |
