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layla02
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| Joined: | Monday September 12th, 2005 |
| Location: | LONDON, United Kingdom |
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Posted: Saturday January 14th, 2006 18:35 |
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im writing this thread because i feel totally in despair over my reltionship (or lack off) I have been with my partner for 12 years, im now 28 and he is 32. He have a child who will be 7 in a couple of months. I feel as if we have really grown apart and can no longer communicate with each other as it ends up with us arguing. I feel that the real problem is that im not appreciated and he makes no effort whatsoever unless i threat to end the reltionship and he then pleads and changes his ways (lasts for about 3/4wks) and then its back to how it was. I feel as if im just going through the motions and its seriously effecting my well being and i can see that unless i sort things out, i seriously will get very depressed. I love the guy but dont think im in love with him anymore. I also think on his part he feels that way too, but when i approach him with the subject he proclaims his love for me like you would not believe. I feel that he does this because he cant be bothered to start again and since we have been together so long, why take that chance. Im not niave to think that a reltionship is all about being madly in love and you cant keep your hands off each other, im aware that all reltionships mature and you have to work on it and as long as you are friends and can communicate, it works. Also i feel like our different backgrounds really do play a part in our reltionship. I had a very happy idylic childhood with both parents and siblings. On his part, he has a very bad reltionship with his mother and did not grow up with any father figure. I feel this has shaped him to be very bitter and it is reflected in his behaviour and views, especially that of women. I admit when we first met i was young and niave and let him take charge but as i started to grow and go College and Uni, i started coming out of my shell and constantly challenged him which i think has become some sort of power struggle in the reltionship. He used to be very stuffling and quite controlling but i fought him soo hard and demanded my respect, he backed off and since then has improved by about 80% (although he claims he has changed, im in no doubt he has just surpressed it for a quiter life, although that part of his personality is still lurking in there somewhere).
You may wonder why dont i just leave the reltionship? its not that easy - i feel like he is all i have known and i think fear holds me back. I have told him so many times that its over that to say it again now will definatly confirm to him that im an idiot since im always still there. Also even when it has got to the stage where i get the strength to cut him out, he hounds me so much week on end that for some peace i give in. He is a fantastic father and really does his 50% of the load if not more but our reltionship has come to the stage where its do bad, we cant be in each others company for too long. By the way we live apart (long story but this is what i prefer-my child see him very day etc).
Another thing that really irkes me is that although i have been supportive of him in terms of developing himself, im the one that literally keeps it together financially due to his constantly changing jobs or starting his own business and dreaming of what he really wants to do. Alot of the time he is not even working. Every job he has had he either hates it or says the racisim is too much blah blah blah. I have gone from being understanding and encouraging him to study towards a certain career, helping him look for dcent jobs etc, to really blowing up on him. He is a dreamer and has not got the determination too see things through - when i tell him this, he accuses me of not being supportive since i know he is trying and when he is being down right mean calls me materilistic and goes on about how life has dealt him badly and i dont know how lucky i am so on. He always asks me how can i kick him when he is down. I earn a decent wage but i literally dont have any savings due to everything falling on me. He helps when he has but he hardly ever has anything to help with. From paying all the bills, school fees, food, clothes, toys, hobbies for kid, fuel, fare etc, im tired!
Writing this - i can see that i sound kinda lame and weak but i feel so lost. Is this how reltionships are towards the end? He talks about marriage and more kids and i look at him in disbelief because im pretty much aware that our child is not being bought up in a happy home and i dont think marriage will solve that although i always wanted all that)
Some of my friends only solution to me is that i need to meet other men etc etc because im good looking but i keep telling them that no matter how i look, i dont feel good on the inside. I have always suffered from low self esteem and always been shy but i know for a fact my self worth has deterioted beyond belief. Of course i think of "what if i meet another man" but to be honest i cant even imagine it because it seems so surreal that it could even possibly happen.
Anyway i dont really know why i wrote this thread, maybe just to get it off my chest but i really am going to try to work on myself . Thanks
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Saida.M
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| Joined: | Tuesday November 11th, 2003 |
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Posted: Sunday January 15th, 2006 21:32 |
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Reading your post I don't see that there is really a huge problem with your relationship.
You could perhaps try being a bit more supportive in his business ventures but I can understand that could become tiresome after yet another stall.
Why don't you show him a plan of where the money for your household comes and goes each week. It might open his eyes to know that even though the bills etc are met, the money did not come from no-where so he should contribute something. Tell him he should give something even when he's not earning a lot and that it should be EVERY WEEK. Explain to him that creditors don't care how little money you have, just that they are being paid what they are owed. He should already now that, but as I said having the plan in front of him may make him see things more clearly.
I think you need to work on your self-esteem too. Seek counselling.
At the end of day if you do still feel fed up maybe a TEMPORARY break is needed. It might help both of you get things into perspective.
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People readily believe lies before they believe the truth
"One of the heads of the beast seemed to have been fatally wounded, but the wound had healed. The whole earth was amazed and followed the beast".
Good News Bible. Rev. Ch.13 V.3
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