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Nisa
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 13:19 |
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i found out on thursday that im 7 weeks pregnant despite taking emergency contraception.
me and the dad are'nt together but we are really good friends. were both at uni so it would affect our lives nuff.
he's decided that an abortion is the best option for us and i do agree to an extent but i feel willing to put my life on hold if i need 2. he's not willing to do the same and he doesnt understand where im coming from.
im scared of having an abortion cause of the feelings of regret i may have after, but at the same time, if i do have the baby, im scared of the resent the dad may have towards me for messing up his life.
has anyone been through a similar situation?
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tantalise
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 14:06 |
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Nisa
sorry u are such a situation. U must be feeling very anxious.
It is very hard for someone else to advise you as to what u want to do as there are many considerations to take note of eg your age, your relationship with the dad, finance, your health, views on abortion etc
What are your gut feelings? U say that u and the dad are good friends now. Will you still be good mates if you carry on with the pregnancy? How are you for finance? Babysitting help? Are you strong enough to put Uni on hold and go back after a number of years? (many people lose that dream) etc etc
Being a teen mum can be hard. I was one! It is great now as my boy is 16 and I have my life back.....
N E way, back to the point....if u were my younger sister at Uni,(and I do have a sis at Uni) my advise to her would be to have a termination.......but thats me..
Wishing u all the best and hope u make the right decision as it could be life changing..
Tantalise
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Abissinia
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 14:21 |
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I feel for you… but unfortunately this is one decision you and only you will have to make. We can tell you own experience or at least say what we would do if faced with the same situation but everyone is different, everyone copes with such things differently. Some people maybe able to have an abortion and put it in to perspective and escape with mild trauma and in time be able to even get over it and lead a normal life but some won’t be able to live with decision and have even gone as far as committing suicide.
The degree of pain very much varies from person to person and only you know or can guess how you’ll cope with having to raise a kid as a single parent or the after effect of abortion.
Should you also decide to have the kid how good you cope will depend on your support group, because you will need every support you can get especially being single and in education… so you may want to seriously think about your support group and how able and willing they are to lend you a hand from time to time.
Personally had I been in the same situation as you are while I was at uni, I would have gone with the abortion option because (1) Being a single parent does not appeal to me (2) I had no chance of coping with a child and education (3) I wasn’t going to quit uni (4) Try telling my mum  even worse my dad (5) and more importantly I know I am strong enough to cope with my decision.
Unfortunately for you the decision has to be made quickly because the longer you leave it the harder and more traumatic the experience will be for you should you decide to abort.
Good luck sis.
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Vezz.
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 14:58 |
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Nisa,
I have to concur with both Abs & Tantalise. No-one can advise you as everyone deals with things in their own way.
Are your parents likely to be supportive should you decide to keep the baby? That in itself can make the situation clearer to you.
If you were my daughter (I have an 18 year old) I would advise you to do the best thing for YOU - not the father or anyone else, and let you know that I'd support you no matter what.
Good luck!
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bluehoney
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 16:54 |
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Nisa wrote: i found out on thursday that im 7 weeks pregnant despite taking emergency contraception.
me and the dad are'nt together but we are really good friends. were both at uni so it would affect our lives nuff.
he's decided that an abortion is the best option for us and i do agree to an extent but i feel willing to put my life on hold if i need 2. he's not willing to do the same and he doesnt understand where im coming from.
im scared of having an abortion cause of the feelings of regret i may have after, but at the same time, if i do have the baby, im scared of the resent the dad may have towards me for messing up his life.
has anyone been through a similar situation?
i have never been in this position...but i can say i don't like regrets of any kind...he is as much responsible for this as you....don't do something against your will, just to please him...he should take responsibility also...the regret will live with you forever if abortion is not something that you want...just my take...best wishes to you...
ah and btw...how can you mess up his life....i think you are placing too much blame on yourself...what about your life? what about the infants life?
| he's decided that an abortion is the best option for us |
imho abortion is the best option for HIM...if that is not what you want for YOU
Last edited on Sunday January 8th, 2006 16:58 by bluehoney
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LadyDay
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 19:10 |
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me personally dont agree with abortion unless extreme circumstance.
however what is best for you is important.
i have cousins whi have had babies and they are doing their degrees now
so having a baby does not stop your life. people use that as an excuse
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Incognito
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 19:33 |
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@Nisa
Would you have the support of your immediate family (mum and dad) ? are you in a position to ask their advice?
Difficult one, at uni with your whole life in front of you. If it's any comfort many have had to go through this before and many will do so after you. The college drop out rate due to preganancy is a huge issue among us.
Nothing in life is guranteed, as contraception has proved. You could decide to go ahead with it and the baby still doesn't make the journey. It's one of those crunch situations where even after all the world's advice it's only you and your conscience that can make and deal with the final decision.
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facetygal
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Posted: Sunday January 8th, 2006 20:39 |
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Nisa wrote: i found out on thursday that im 7 weeks pregnant despite taking emergency contraception.
me and the dad are'nt together but we are really good friends. were both at uni so it would affect our lives nuff.
he's decided that an abortion is the best option for us and i do agree to an extent but i feel willing to put my life on hold if i need 2. he's not willing to do the same and he doesnt understand where im coming from.
im scared of having an abortion cause of the feelings of regret i may have after, but at the same time, if i do have the baby, im scared of the resent the dad may have towards me for messing up his life.
has anyone been through a similar situation?
You say u took emergency contraception, does that mean u weren't on the pill to begin with or at least using a condom? What is more important the life of a baby or the feelings of a man who could walk out on u at anytime? So what if he resents u if u keep the baby, should have thought about that when he laid down with u. Now think about this: if u abort the baby u may not be able to have another one, on the other hand he can go and produce as much kids as he wants. If u have the baby u don't have to put ur life on hold, when he/she is a few mths old and settled into a routine you can get some coursework and do it from home. If u need to get a job there are some work places that give u an allowance which goes toward paying for a creche. Your not the first or the last person to be in this situation, people make it work if they really want to. But if u wanna take the easy option and abort the child only u will have to live with the consequence, certainly not the guy who got u pregnant.
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Liloba
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Posted: Monday January 9th, 2006 02:36 |
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@Nisa
I want first of all to comment on what Tantalise said about her being a teen Mum and now that her boy is sixteen she has her life back. Come on Tantalise! The boy is only sixteen, you cannot possibly have your life back! He needs you now even more than when he was a baby. Your son is at the age when he is likely to make the biggest mistakes of his entire life and you already think you can take a step back. This is why it is not good to have children at a young age, especially boys. When he needs you more than ever - although he will never admit it- you want to live the life that you couldn't have because you had to look after a baby!
Now back to you Nisa. A child needs a father and a mother; marriage is an important institution that creates a stable and balanced environment for children to grow.
You cannot simply ignore the will of the future father. He will be as important as you for the child. You might not need him, but your child will and might resent you for not having a Dad. Look around you in the Black community and you will understand what I mean.
The likelihood of not having another baby because you had an abortion is quite small and remember that everything involves a risk: driving, getting on a plane, taking the advice of a complete stranger etc..
But you must also think of the things you might not have if you become a single mother. For instance a lot of young men are reluctant to get married to a woman who already has a kid. Once you have two kids from different and absent fathers - you don't know if you are not going to find yourself in the same situation in the future - the likelihood of finding a suitable mate will be pretty small for you. Unfortunately, most young men will run away when they see your kid(s) - or they might sleep with you before running away!
Contrarily to what Tantalise has said, you will not get back your youth after 15 years because your kid is going to need your support and guidance well into his or her twenties - especially if it is a boy because unfortunately we are not as mature as girls!
I am a young man and if I were your friend I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone that I don't intend to marry. I want my kids to see me every morning, not once a year and I know that they will feel the same way! One of you made a mistake but that doesn't mean you have to make another mistake...
My advice: It is better to have a child when you have found a man who loves you and who wants to be a father to your kids! Don't waste your life and wait until you find the right man to start a family. Your kid will thank you for having two parents and growing up in a stable and balanced environment.
Unless you are in your late thirties, you do not have to become a single mother, you've got time to find a suitable partner.
Women have been trying to raise kids on their own and look around you: it doesn't work too well... The success rate is pretty low, especially when it comes to turning boys into men, so it's not worth trying.
Wait until you find the right person and have a normal family - Yes there is such a thing!
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Nisa
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Posted: Monday January 9th, 2006 09:15 |
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just wanted to say thank u for all your comments.
btw, i didnt come on here expecting someone to help me make a decision, i just feel that i needed some outside advice.
@ facestygyal, yes i do need to take the fathers feelings into account, this affects him and me both. yeah he could decide to jet in a couple months time but that will be something he's got to live with.
still unsure but ive got a few appointments booked to discuss my options. thanks again x
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CA95616
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Posted: Monday January 9th, 2006 09:35 |
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@Liloba
You highlight the potentially negative aspects of being a single mother in an insensitive and clearly uninformed way.
I admit having a baby is hard work but it does not ruin your life and there are so many positive aspects attached which you clearly have no idea about. In fact, I have become more motivated to succeed in my field as a result of becoming a mother.
Many single parents do have a second chance of having a relationship and contrary to your belief the nuclear family is not indestructable. Whilst you wouldnt take on a woman with a child, please don't speak for all men.
As for the lady ho commented that she is getting her life back as her son is now 16, it does not mean she is neglectful of him at all. How do you know she isnt simply referring to the fact that she can now socialise once in a while as she doesnt have to worry about leaving him alone?
Having a child is very challenging but if you want your baby then don't believe your life or the babys is guaranteed to be ruined . However, if you are not ready for that type of responsibility now then I respect everyones right to make the decision to terminate.
peace
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Liloba
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Posted: Monday January 9th, 2006 13:00 |
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@CA95616
I doubt very much that whatever positive aspect there is in being a single mother cannot be experienced by a woman who is in a stable relationship.
The joys of motherhood are as fulfilling for a woman who is in a relationship. I would argue that a woman who has a partner is likely to enjoy being a mother even more than a single mother.
I never wrote that having a baby on your own ruins your life or even the life of the child. But we all know what is best for a child - to live with Mum and Dad - and what is best for a parent - to have a partner.
If you can avoid putting yourself in the difficult situation of raising kids on your own, it is better to do so.
A nuclear family might not be indestructible but since it is by far the best environment for raising children, people should keep on trying to create one and make it work.
Even gay people want nuclear families nowadays: They want to get married and adopt children!
Yes many single parents get a second chance of finding a long- term partner but why would you want to lose your best chance if you are still young? Why not keep all your options open for as long as possible? Especially because once you have kids from different fathers your love life becomes even more complicated...Will you then get a third chance?
I think women should keep all their options open for as long as they can instead of putting themselves in a situation where they have to settle for a man simply because he tolerates the kids. Most men are not perfect, and I am just trying to be realistic here.
It is hard enough as it is to find the right partner, do not make it even harder if you can avoid it.
Finally, women should not bear children from men who shy away from commitment and responsibilities: it is very bad for the gene pool; those men should take their bad genes with them when they die.
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LadyDay
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Posted: Monday January 9th, 2006 17:20 |
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Nisa wrote: just wanted to say thank u for all your comments.
btw, i didnt come on here expecting someone to help me make a decision, i just feel that i needed some outside advice.
@ facestygyal, yes i do need to take the fathers feelings into account, this affects him and me both. yeah he could decide to jet in a couple months time but that will be something he's got to live with.
still unsure but ive got a few appointments booked to discuss my options. thanks again x
is the dad considering your feelings at all.
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safetyblitz
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Posted: Monday January 9th, 2006 18:44 |
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He told you to get an abortion?!?!?! Get a pencil and pad because I am going to give lesson 101 in US black woman baby legalities
1. Tell him you ain't gettin' no MFin abortion it is your body and you do what you want and then hang up
2. Then get a bat and go to work on his car. He will come after you and right when he does call the police so they will not let him harm you. But while they are there do get in the fact that if he hits you and kills thebaby he is going to face a murder charge and an attempted murder charge on you
3. Then call him and threaten him with a paternity suit.
4. Right after you do that get a restraint against him.
5. he may want to talk to you about all your actions but what do you care? You can say your hormones took over after you call the police on him for violating the restraint order.
6. At this point he will be rattled, so to send him over the edge throw a brick through his mom's living room window and drive off fast calling him profanities. make sure that you borrow someone's car and take the tags off said vehicle.
7. Next show on on his job or at his class acting a fool, yelling at him about taking care of his kid and being a dead beat dad
8. Put a small cardboard sign that reads I am having a baby by you chi-ching
9. Call police on him again for violating restraint order
Laughing yet? Figured you needed something to laugh at. 
Seriously you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your parents because only you and they will best be able to decide where to go forward, but the ultimate choice is yours. Either way you look at it, it is a life changing decision no matter which path you take, so I would advise talking to one of your parents because they are going to be your support through out this. Your friend sounds like he is looking out for self so you cannot consider him on this decision because it is your body and your parents are responsible for you, so they should have a weigh in on the matter as well but the final decision is yours.
I wish you well in your search for an answer because there is never an easy one when it comes to abortion and a woman's feelings.
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lecya
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Posted: Tuesday January 10th, 2006 07:01 |
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| I've been in a similar situation but I decided to get an abortion because I KNEW for a fact that the father wasn't ready and I wasn't ready. I did not regret that decision at all. If I was to have that baby, then it wouldn't be in for a very happy childhood. Especially since I knew that the father was very immature. Keep those things in mind. Alot of people posted their 2 cents but what you really have to consider is future outcome. Are you ready? Is the father ready? Do you have the means to take care of this potential child? If I were you I would get the abortion but f**k what I and others think, the real decision is up to you. Oh and since you have set a few appointments keep in mind that alot of places the offer "abortion help" are extremly biased and provide FALSE information in order to scare pregnant women away from abortions. At least here in the crazy U.S. there are.
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tantalise
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Posted: Saturday January 14th, 2006 10:48 |
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@Liloba: Hello!. I've read your comments.
I'd like to clarify a few things:
I had my son at 18 (almost 19) and was with the father who was 19 at the time. We had a few panic periods when I fell pregnant and to be honest, he was probably not ready to be a daddy at that age. (He came round to the idea and was the BEST dad/boyfriend I could ever wish for)
I had done my A levels but had to defer my Uni entry for a year. I had good family support and my/our finances were ok...we were happy and young and were proud of how far we had come despite all the odds...no major worries so far...Until, my baby's daddy passed away at 23 and I was thrown into the world of single parenthood...
The point I'm trying to highlight is the comments you made about me getting my life back...........single parenthood can be hard...I was at Uni, had a 2 year old, was dealing with childminders, mainly dedicating my life to my boy and my future, also, I did'nt date......now, at the age of 35, things are better....I have a great career, my son is well adjusted and is doing well at school... I have my life back...meaning, I can go out when I choose (pretty much), no childminders to worry about,no more studying, rushing from childminder to childminder, I even have a great boyfriend that my son respects.
Now, I LOVE my life. It worked out ok for me BUT it does not mean that I will necessarily advise my younger sister to follow in my footsteps.
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Saida.M
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Posted: Saturday January 14th, 2006 18:18 |
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Nisa I think you have done the right thing coming here to try to get advice. The more opinions you get from any source, the more you can discern which advice is right for you.
I agree with many here that the final decision is ultimately yours, but how do you know if you've made the right choice?
Whichever way you go there would be advantages and disadvatages. No-one can predict accurately the outcome of anything.
What you could do is look at your situation now. If you already have a strong network of people about you then chances are you'd have it if you allow the baby to be born.
But not everyone has that.
Try to look at your situation with a critical eye. Who would drop everything to fetch your baby at a moments notice. Who would offer to look after your baby without having to ask. Would you really be able to go back to uni in a years time because you'd have someone to look after your baby or will it really be ten/twenty years? Can you wait that long - how will you live in the meantime?
Ask these questions now!
At least if you do decide to have an abortion, once it's done because there is no turning back, you'd be able to get on with your life.
The decision you have to make must be doubly difficult for you because I'm assuming you are still a child yourself.
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Soulstarr
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Posted: Sunday January 15th, 2006 15:47 |
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I'm pro choice when it comes to abortion. I think it is ultimately your personal decision. What might be useful to remember is that having a baby young does NOT ruin your life if it is what you really want deep down. Fair enough it makes things that lil bit harder but if you think you might regret the abortion more than you will regret having a baby then the decision seems pretty clear. There are lots of ways that you can manage university, raising a child and living life. You'll be surprised how much strength you'll find in yourself if you find yourself in that situation.
Whatever you do, please go with your gut instinct and not what someone else has pre-decided as being the best for both of you. I understand that the fathers opinion has to be taken into account but he is not the one carrying the child.
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Saida.M
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Posted: Sunday January 15th, 2006 19:28 |
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Soulstarr wrote: I'm pro choice when it comes to abortion. I think it is ultimately your personal decision. What might be useful to remember is that having a baby young does NOT ruin your life if it is what you really want deep down. Fair enough it makes things that lil bit harder but if you think you might regret the abortion more than you will regret having a baby then the decision seems pretty clear. There are lots of ways that you can manage university, raising a child and living life. You'll be surprised how much strength you'll find in yourself if you find yourself in that situation.
I'm just curious Soulstarr, would you mind telling us a few of the 'lots of ways that you can manage university, raising a child and living life'?
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Soulstarr
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Posted: Monday January 16th, 2006 01:31 |
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| I'm not going to outline examples for the simple fact that everyones situation is different. But My point was that I've seen it be done many times so its not impossible. I just don't buy into the idea that having a baby while you're young or in education mean that your life is over. I don't even think it means that you're life is on hold for the next 18 years. I just think it means that you life your life differently to how you have previously.
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