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Conscience Sister
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| Joined: | Sunday September 19th, 2004 |
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Posted: Sunday October 23rd, 2005 23:33 |
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I need some good advice and appreciate all responses.
It all started when I got this new decent paying job at a homeless shelter. I had been waiting for this position for some time now and was very happy that I was hired. On my first day, my boss was giving me a tour of the building and everything was going fine until I saw my little brother in the shelter. We didn't grow up together and I only seen him a handful full of times in my whole life but nevertheless I was still shocked to see him living there. He's only 19 and the last time I see him, he was living in a group home and he was like 16 then. His mother was a crack addict for quiet some time now but had cleaned herself up and so he moved from the group home back to live with her like 3 years ago, the last time I seen him. His mother relapsed and had 2 more kids and put my brother out for fighting with her lesbian lover. Now he's living in a shelter and all messed up but not on drugs or anything. My boss ask me about it because relatives are not supposed to be together in the same site but I told her the whole story and she understood completely and said as long as I don't let it interfere with my job its ok. Its a men's homeless shelter and being around a bunch of nasty dirty homeless men leering at me is bad enough but they all know he's my brother because he looks just like me and its uncomfortable. Everyone has ask me a million times if thats my brother and its annoying plus I feel like I'm being watched to see if I will show favoritism. I also feel very quilty because I want to take care of him and get him out of the shelter but he can't live with me because the person I live with is not having it and to tell you the truth I dont really know him. I don't want to just buy him clothes or give him money because how is that helping? My dead beat father says he can move in with him but my father is full of sh*t and promises anything at the spur of the moment but never follows through. My father told me not to let my brother take advantage of my kindness because he has bought him lots of clothes and things but when its time to go to school or work my brother has a million excuses. Another strange twist that I'm still in denial about is that my mother said he is bisexual. I got the job because My mothers friend use to work there and was his case manager until she got married and quit. She told my mother that he was bisexual and that one of his mothers boyfriends molested him when he was young and may have something to do with him being bisexual. Being that I only seen him less then 5 times in my whole life I really don't know whats the deal with him or his plans for the future and I don't want to take full responsiblity for him and my father was right about him being lazy plus he is pretty much grown. I don't know what to do and I'm very depressed because everytime I leave my job it feels like I'm leaving him in a shelter to fend for his self. I thought about renting out a room for him to live and pay the rent for a few months until he gets on his feet but it goes back to he has to go to school or work or something. I haven't even gotten a chance to really talk to him and see where his head is at because I only see him at work where there's someone eles always around. He hasen't told me that he has any real plans to move out the shelter and he says he stays at the shelter only sometimes when he fights with his mother and her girlfriend on and off. He says he Stays at his mothers house for a few months then goes to the shelter, then stay with a girlfriend for a little while then back to the shelter and its been like that for about a year.
What should I do? I know you all will ask is this story real and is it for shock value but its not and is really happening and I don't know what to do. I was so happy about this new job because my old job didn't pay as much and now I'm all stressed out and I even smoked 5 cigarettes.
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Hrunopi
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| Joined: | Sunday May 16th, 2004 |
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Posted: Monday October 24th, 2005 00:56 |
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Okay. The first thing YOU gotta do is chill. And you gotta do that because you gotta eat, and if you indulge yourself too deeply into all the variables here you might wind up living in the shelter with him.
The second thing you gotta do is get a real personal perspective of the situation in front of you. You said yourself you've only seen him a handful of times in life-Which doesn't write him off as your brother, and doesn't mean you should not love him. But it does mean that whatever HIS life is, is his, not yours an you've got to let him live that life the way he wants or knows best.
The third thing is simplify the equation so to speak by eliminating the variables that don't matter.
1. He's decided he's bi-sexual? So what. Don't get caught up, or moralised about that aspect of your brother regardless of your personal ethics. It aint you, its him, and its not the most urgent thing going on, aside of the danger that he could catch AIDS or some sh*t like that, so what you need to do is make sure he protects his own life. And if he has a girlfreind he needs to understand that he's got to be up front about that sh*t in al his relations for his own life and that of others.
2. Your mother hasn't got anything to do with him being who he has CHOSEN to be. Noone can make you bisexual one way or another. I'm sorry he was molested , but his moms didn't do that. You don't know what's in your brother's mind-and apparently he aint so sure himself. It's obvious that his mom's lifestyle has rubbed off on him somewhere but he made the decision in the end and makes the decision every time he messes around.
Now that that's out of the way-
You're right. NO you don't really know him. So what's the worry. You've got to develop a social relationship with this person and get to know who they are first. You've both got to get to know each other. I've seen this situation before and its really not a big deal, besides, its a blessing that he isn't on drugs. If you think you've got problems, think about what it would be like if he were using drugs.
DON'T get into the habit of paying for your relationship with him at work to be cool. If he wants a better life he's got to do what it takes to get it, and at 19 its either get a job or go to school. If he's hungry or needs cigarettes or cash here and there not a problem. Nothin wrong with looking out. But he's old enough to take care of himself and know what he's doing and wants to do from day to day, and if he wants to hang around the shelter and the street thats his problem not yours. He aint asking you about gettin no job now is he? And if you play your end right somebody might help you and him -hok him up with a gig in the muni system. That can happen to. But in order for that to hapen you both gotta be cool about being family cuz people naturally get a little defensive and envious about things like that, especially in that environment where some people have noone.
What you can do for him is-
1. make sure he's got all his identification
2. A starter bank account (if you can afford it-AND on the condition that he goes to work or school)
3. A full change of clothes at your home if he needs it.
4. A good connection with whatever social services personnel exist at the shelter. Talk to these people out of the way when you can and casually and carefully see that your brother is tended to as far being informed about his options and introduced to all available resources.
Other than that, just keep a place in your heart open for him all the time. Not your home, not your pocket but your heart. Give it to God and ask him to help you both become strong as a FAMILY.
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