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unorthodox
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Posted: Monday October 10th, 2005 18:27 |
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i want you guys to help me out. now i will admit, i'm a bit quiet and laid back, but it just seems like throughout my whole life, i've never been able to make friends, especially amongst blacks.
i'm in my second year at uni, black, 20 yrs old, and its embarrasing. now there is nothing wrong with me, i consider myself a pretty good looking guy, i dont smell, i've got good fashion sense, i dont dress ghetto or hiphop, but neither do i dress white or preppy, my style is mixed.
its just people dont wanna know me, when they meet me at first they seem keen to get to know me, but after talking for a while, they just lose interest.
now being a blackmale at uni there arent that many black males, especially in my age group. on my course there are only three black guys who happen to be the same age as me, these three have now become close and hang out together, now i admit i feel jealous, cos i wanna be in that group. i dont wanna be hanging around whites, its too coonish, and i would hate that.
can you guys help me, is there something i have to say, do, act anything to start making friends, and especially break into that threesome. they eem pretty tight right now.
i just dont wanna spend my remaining two years all alone. help
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Finest_G
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Posted: Monday October 10th, 2005 18:34 |
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| It would be kinda hard breaking into that circle of friends, but sometime you just have to make that approach. You just need to say hey, how's it going, or start talking about the work on your degree. I honestly do not know, have my good friends and i still make friends all the time...If your away from home at your uni, then make some real effort to approach them. Just say that, you get bored cause your not sure about the club scene in your city, and that will kinda hint that your looking for the social scene. Anyway, hope you make friends. Laterz..
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The Watcher
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Posted: Monday October 10th, 2005 18:35 |
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What are you studying? My uni is full of black men and women Different demographics depending on what course you are doing and where you are doing it you know. You won't see many black men if you are doing psychology for example but go do business.... lol you see?
Now making friends hmmm
Are you a member of any societies or groups in your uni? Im not, but I heard it's a good way to make friends... Do you go to the social events? The sports teams games for example, or performances from drama/music groups...
Do you mean you have no friends in general or just no friends at uni?
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JONHNCROW234
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Posted: Monday October 10th, 2005 18:37 |
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| go up to them say hi, dont be afraid people can smell fear from a distance, if there is nothing you can think of imediately start talking about a particular subject that you think may be of interests, but first find out a hot spot where you think young black males would find cool and relaxing to hang out invite them all out for a drink, listen to what they have to say and try adding to the conversation, I dont know if this helps but hey it's maybe worth a try.
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purplepleasure
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Posted: Wednesday October 12th, 2005 12:47 |
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I know what it is like to be laidback at first but have you thought about the fact that you may have given off the wrong impression.
I am quite reserved sometimes and shy but I have been told by some people that they thought I was stuck up or snobbish or thought I was better than them before they got to know me. I guess its harder for you as a guy since you can't exactly start smiling at these guys like women can smile at each other...
I don't know- you may have to swallow your pride and just push yourself into the group, making jokes or whatever. Or when you are close by and they are talking just make a comment - NOT a controversial one. One of my best friends at uni started out hanging by herself- she didnt really come out of her shell until the second year and then started hanging more with the rest of us black girls. She admitted later that she wasn't really used to other black girls who were interested in learning as the black girls in her school had mostly been boy crazy and not serious.
Good luck anyway- but dont leave it too long!!
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Madam Butterfly
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Posted: Wednesday October 12th, 2005 15:09 |
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purplepleasure wrote:
I am quite reserved sometimes and shy but I have been told by some people that they thought I was stuck up or snobbish or thought I was better than them before they got to know me.
Why do people always seem to have that impression of shy people? As a terminally shy person i have also had that problem. Funnily (or sad!) enough that is what i did my oral on for GCSE english - how shy people can often me misread and misinterpreted. With me it takes quite a while to warm up to new people and get to know them before i let the "real me" out.
@unorthodox If you see one of the group on their own, just walk up and try to make conversation. Start with something you have in common such as the course, or maybe a tutor you all hate (theres always one!)
Try and drop into the conversation how hard it has been for you to make friends, but not too early in the conversation and not so obviously (don't want to seem desperate).
Maybe you could suggest that you study together on a particular assignment or share notes or whatever. Unless the guy you talk to is completly callous, the next time he is with his mates and sees you alone, he will call you over and introduce you. Or at the very least you will have an "in" - a way to go and talk to them from your previous association with one of them.
But if he/they don't seem interested, then don't push it. There is nothing worse than someone trying to edge there way into a group of friends when they are not wanted.
But if you four are the only black guys on your course and they are aware you have been alone in the previous year, maybe they assume thats how you want to be. As daunting as it is, it may be up to you to make the effort. And believe me, i know how damn hard that is for people like us.
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efenjee
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Posted: Wednesday October 12th, 2005 19:10 |
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@ Madame Butterfly: the reason why some people feel that way about 'shy people' is because some stuck up, snobby people say they are shy. I knew a girl like that, knew her very well and where she may have been not as outgoing as say me, she was also kinda snotty and used to go on like she was too nice to talk to people or better than people, but ask her why she didn't make friends as easily as me and she would tell you she is 'shy'. Also, with some people you can see they might be shy but they also look approachable so people won't think badly of that kind of person; the ones who are shy and don't look approachable get labelled stuck up. If you're shy, work on looking approachable, give people eye contact, smile, nod etc, even if you can't quite bring yourself to talk. If you have something in mind to say while a convo is happening around you, you don't have to keep it in your head, say it out loud, join in, contribute something to the discussion, even one sentence is better than just sitting there in silence because of your 'shyness'.
@ Unorthodox, you seem really nice and I think you need to fake confidence if you are shy, they say you should act like a confident person would and you will soon start to genuinely feel like one. Next time you see the cool threesome, go up and say, "you three seem pretty tight, did you know each other from before?" When they've replied, say something else like, "what do you think of the course?" "what a-levels did you do?", "do you have all the books on the list? I've still gotta get one but waiting til I get paid, do you have part-time jobs," "Do you live local?" "have you spoken to that girl over there before? She seems hot/strange/clever/giggly, what do you think of her?"
See? There's all kinds of things you can say to start a convo and I'm sure from you make the first attempt, they will answer you, and ask questions themselves and things will flow from there. Ask them what they do at lunchtime or whatever, if they say they go to the high street, ask them if you can follow them next time cos it gets kinda boring hanging out on your own. Don't be afraid of ridicule, nothing ventured, nothing gained. They may knock you back and refuse to let you join their clique but if you don't try you'll never know. Just be relaxed and cool so they don't think you're weird, also don't be too pushy with them, don't follow them around forever after the first convo, wait for them to make you feel wanted and perhaps invite you to join them, rather than just running behind them all the time. Let us know how you get on. If you don't have any luck, I'll be your friend; even though I don't go to your uni, we can be cyber friends.
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east
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Posted: Wednesday October 12th, 2005 19:16 |
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| unorthodox, what are you doing at uni ?
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The Watcher
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Posted: Wednesday October 12th, 2005 19:40 |
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hmm
Gotta be real though
sometimes as people I think we can be stoosh you know.
This lil dude came over to me in Uni a few days ago and just started babbling. In my head I was thinking "but do I know you though? Why you trying to beg friend? Move man, why you fassin yourself in my business for?" Im sorry @all... it's the London in me LOL Should be more friendly I suppose but you know... sometimes you don't think.
I think it was the timing. I was sitting in the courtyard in the sun reading a novel and munching my lunch on my Js... man comes and starts talking.
Approach people and make friends sure, but chose your moments man. Read the signs, sometimes people want to be left alone.
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Lynwood
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Posted: Wednesday October 12th, 2005 20:20 |
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I'm quiet and I like to be left alone. However, when I'm just starting a new job or going to a place where I don't know people, I scope the scene and decide who I wanna hang around. Sit by them, laugh at their jokes and throw a lil comment into their discussion when you see fit. Key thing is to sit around them. They'll probably even speak to you since there are so few blacks at the Uni. Hope they are worth the effort. I'm kinda picky about who I chill with because there are alot of fake people out there. Just be yourself and see how they take it. Don't fake it, you will get no respect.
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aaa
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Posted: Thursday October 13th, 2005 01:08 |
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Ain't nothin wrong w/being shy. I used to be shy before college. GET INVOLED BUT BE YOURSELF
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efenjee
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Posted: Thursday October 13th, 2005 15:48 |
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| DrunkMonkey's right, choose an appropriate time before you make contact with any of these people you're looking to befriend. Maybe if you're waiting to go into a class and everyone's just hanging round outside the room, or on the way out. Don't disturb anyone reading a book because I am possibly the world's friendliest girl and if anyone comes to me when I'm reading and asks the dumb question "what are you reading?" my answer is usually a mumbled "duh...a book" then I cut my eye and carry on reading. Not not really, I'm not that bad, but it is really annoying when people disturb you like that so just bear that in mind. btw DrunkMonkey is VERY unfriendly judging from his last post and not everyone would think like that if you approached them and attempted to make conversation so don't let that put you off.
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Saida.M
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Posted: Thursday October 13th, 2005 20:06 |
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This one is hard because if you had not managed to make friends with anyone for a whole year, some people might think that you prefer it that way.
Every year there must be new people arriving at the Uni - why not try and make friends with some of them?
Go to all the events esp. for freshers.
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The Watcher
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Posted: Friday October 14th, 2005 02:53 |
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 Efenjee
I ain't unfriendly
I was just really into that book is all. And I don't know that fellow from anywhere, not in my classes or anything.
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Darth Sidious
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Posted: Friday October 14th, 2005 06:55 |
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The problem is that you are thinking too much. Sometimes you have to let your real personality out. If you have to think about what you are saying while the other person is talking you are going to come off akward. When the other person is talking you should be listening and when they are done dont always say what you think they want you to say, you have to say what you actually feel. What will happen is that people will either really like you or people will really hate you. But the people who like you will be loyal.
Last edited on Friday October 14th, 2005 07:04 by Darth Sidious
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flow-unclever
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Posted: Friday October 14th, 2005 07:45 |
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Make friends? Hell no lol i like my personal space too much to share my useful time with friends lol.
Actually the best way to make friends and i am the least social of people though people seem to have good opinion of me suprisingly so, is to be helpeful, respectful, cooperative and generally treat people with respect and honesty. That way you make lasting impression and people remember you for the good reasons.
My advise is also to look for people with similar good qualities who will make a positive contribution to you. Do not make friendship with people who disrespect you or what you stand for just for the sake of fitting in. Some times one white friend can be more benfitial to you than a 100 black friends.
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unorthodox
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Posted: Friday October 14th, 2005 11:47 |
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thanks for your advice everyone, you know what i'm beginning to think, maybe i am a loner, maybe i'm destined to be on my own, its always been like that in my life. why change a habit.
anyway, i'm just gonna concentrate on my degree, and hope to get a 1st, i will think about making friends another time in my life.
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efenjee
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Posted: Friday October 14th, 2005 12:23 |
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| Don't give up Unorthodox. If friendship is what you really want, don't try to convince yourself that you're okay as you are.
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Madam Butterfly
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Posted: Friday October 14th, 2005 12:35 |
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unorthodox wrote: thanks for your advice everyone, you know what i'm beginning to think, maybe i am a loner, maybe i'm destined to be on my own, its always been like that in my life. why change a habit.
anyway, i'm just gonna concentrate on my degree, and hope to get a 1st, i will think about making friends another time in my life.
you sound like a male version of me lol when i did my a levels i spent that whole two years without a friend. just the odd person i spoke to. this was difficult as in secondary school i had a close nit group of six friends or so. So when i started uni after my a levels i just thought "you know what, trying to make friends is too hard, i am obviously destined to be a loner" For the first few weeks, thats exactly how it was. But somehow or other i drifted into a group. They were all also from south london like me (I went to uni in north london) so we started out bonding that way. Then after uni i ended up in a totally depressing dead end job and wouldn't you know i was mateless again!! but in that time i found that i actually enjoyed my own company. I could do what i wanted when i wanted and was not at the mercy of majority rule. So when i quit my job and went back to uni again i wasn't all that gung ho about making friends. But i did. A couple of girls who were in my group were also in my placement school. Then we joined up with a couple other girls and hey presto i had friends!
The moral to my tale is that i tended to make friends when i was least expecting to. They weren't forced, just seemed to naturally occur. However in the times i had no significant friendships, i learned to value and enjoy my own company. And god forbid anyone disturb me while i am reading a juicy novel while listening to Bone thugs!
Please remember: there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. If being lonely bothers you (which i think it does, as you label yourself a loner) try to take a small step towards making friends. Many good ways have been suggested here.
However, if personality wise you think you prefer to be alone, then celebrate that. Give yourself something to do - books, music, shopping, extra research in your field - whatever you want. And remember, you always have a mate or two on Blacknet, me included
Last edited on Friday October 14th, 2005 12:40 by Madam Butterfly
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basic_meo
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Posted: Friday October 14th, 2005 13:10 |
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unorthodox wrote: thanks for your advice everyone, you know what i'm beginning to think, maybe i am a loner, maybe i'm destined to be on my own, its always been like that in my life. why change a habit.
anyway, i'm just gonna concentrate on my degree, and hope to get a 1st, i will think about making friends another time in my life.
I can see all is coming out now, as they say before you solved a problem or find a solution to problem you have to admit that there is problem. For what I have read from your post it seem that you are the type of guy who just talk about your studies and all the time lock up in a closet studying, and you don't really want to lose any time of you times table... if you keep on like this you will have it hard to meet people and concentrate on the friendship, though you find it productive in your studies, but your social life will be harm. You have to be careful that this will not also affect you in your future work place.
My advice to you is that, loose yourself, let it go!, there is a time for every thing, time spend with friends are not wasted, talk less about your studies when you are with your friends. Let them be the first to raise the issue about your studies, and be open to share and help when they are in difficulties with their studies, as I say before "sacrifice to friends is an achievement" --Basic
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Posted: Saturday October 15th, 2005 17:09 |
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unorthodox wrote: i want you guys to help me out. now i will admit, i'm a bit quiet and laid back, but it just seems like throughout my whole life, i've never been able to make friends, especially amongst blacks.
i'm in my second year at uni, black, 20 yrs old, and its embarrasing. now there is nothing wrong with me, i consider myself a pretty good looking guy, i dont smell, i've got good fashion sense, i dont dress ghetto or hiphop, but neither do i dress white or preppy, my style is mixed.
its just people dont wanna know me, when they meet me at first they seem keen to get to know me, but after talking for a while, they just lose interest.
now being a blackmale at uni there arent that many black males, especially in my age group. on my course there are only three black guys who happen to be the same age as me, these three have now become close and hang out together, now i admit i feel jealous, cos i wanna be in that group. i dont wanna be hanging around whites, its too coonish, and i would hate that.
can you guys help me, is there something i have to say, do, act anything to start making friends, and especially break into that threesome. they eem pretty tight right now.
i just dont wanna spend my remaining two years all alone. help
What is Coonish?
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Madam Butterfly
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Posted: Saturday October 15th, 2005 18:11 |
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| you quoted his entire post just to ask that question?!?!? you could have just highlihted that part, or just asked the question!! for the record "coonish" is a black person who acts white. I'm sure others could give you a broader definition and even examples of such folks, but thats it in a nutshell.
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The Watcher
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Posted: Saturday October 15th, 2005 18:39 |
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MB
Sorta but not quite... it's like acting in a comical or foolish way and playing up to negative stereotypes of happy go lucky clowning negros... think steppinfetchit for example. It's done in front of whites or for their benefit in order to make oneself appear less threatening and more to the point, subservient.
Making a fool of yourself for the benefit of white audience who laugh AT you...
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Madam Butterfly
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Posted: Saturday October 15th, 2005 19:25 |
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thanks DM! i knew someone could explain it better than me!
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CaramelSagg
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Posted: Thursday January 5th, 2006 22:57 |
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