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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:01 |
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Dearest All
It's hard to know where to start but i just need someone to help me feel better, because i feel so so down and have no one to turn to.
I have been with this guy now for a year and a half he is the love of my life i have never loved someone like i have him, even more than my babies father, strange huh.
But he did a bad thing to me and infrount of my 11 year old daughter over 10 weeks ago, he beat me up badley, and as a result we all ended up in a refuge, of course i was hurt emotionally and physically and my daughter was extremley upset, it was not nice for her. He isn't an acholic but when he did drink he lost control- its very hard for anyone to understand me, but he is a affectionate, kind caring , loving guy, he just need's help.
Anyway as a result of what he did he ended up going to prison for 2 and half months maybe out on tag in 6 weeks he has done 3, he is doing anger management classes and is doing the drink course too. You may think i'm crazy but i have been to see him, actually to be honest i was seeing him 3 weeks after it all happened- he never touched a drop of drink since all this happened, he was a totally calm guy full of feeling sick at what he had done- not happy with hisself atall.
I know he did wrong and some don't change but then some do, i love him with all my heart and soul and kinda feel guilty for loving someone who did that and also infrount of my daughter.
Social services were involved although the kids were not put on the act rick register because of what they see that night, well what my daughter saw, my son was sleeping bless him, they did say they would be put on it if i was back with him, which you can fully undersatnd that can't you.
Truth is the kids did love him, but my daughter don't even want to hear his name mentioned and i cant blame her truley, but i can't help my feeling's they won't go, i miss him so dearly and love him so so much, i know he isn't a bad guy and i could never love anyone like i love him, he just needs the help with these courses.
I want him home i want to give him the last chance, but theres my daughter to consider and my family would go up the wall and back down- of course i love my kids so much and they are my first, my last my everything- but i love him and all of this hurts so much, what can i do please someone help me, and dont say get rid because i can't let go.
I wait for the phone to ring and it never doe's , well 2 a week he is in prison after all , the letters are little bless him he is french and although his english is good, writing is not his strong thing, but he does love me. and if you met him you would say this, you would actually like him alot.
what can i do xxx
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Maat
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:10 |
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Candygirl,
Don't make excuses for this man. What he has done is unacceptabe and you sound like you are prepared to accept it . He has disresepcted you in front of your daughter who by the way should come first!
If you don't want to leave him then think about what it is you are going to put your daughter through. Do you want her to live in fear of him doing this again to you? Do you want your children to be taken away from you? Social services have already been mentionmed and it sounds like a comprimisin gsituation. It's YOU she will blame if you allow this man to stay in your lives. If he is going on these courses there's obviously a problem as you don't go on them for a one off as far as I am aware.
Also what kind of example will that be for her when she gets older.....you know what don't do it. Cut whathever feelings you think you have for this guy and move on.
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efenjee
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:14 |
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Sounds to me like you want people to tell you to follow your heart and stay with him. Soooo...follow your heart and stay with him. Just don't be surprised if he busses your arse for you again, busses your daughter's arse if she tries to help you and maybe even kill you accidentally and leave your kids without a mother. I guess it would all be worth it since you love him so much.
(does anyone know where the eye-rolling emoticon is?)
No but seriously, if you are happy to stay with someone who only needs to have a drink to kick your ass for you, then that is your choice, you are responsible for your kids and it's up to you what kind of environment you want them to grow up in. What you need to think about is (1) the message you're giving your daughter about what relationships involve (2) the message you're giving this man about what kind of behaviour you will overlook/forgive.
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Backatya
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:26 |
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I will move this thread to the 'Advice' Forum.
Respect
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safetyblitz
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:26 |
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All I have to ask is what did you do to his car?
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myrtle
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:31 |
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Candygirl, you say your kids will be put on the 'At Risk' register if you go back with the man that battered you.
It doesn't matter how much you love him, or how sorry he is, or how sad you are - they, and you, will be at risk.
If you got over whatever happened with your previous guys, you will get over this - think about what he did to you, and your children one of whom has seen something no child should ever see, her mother assaulted by the man who is supposed to love her the best, and both of whom had to go in a refuge because of this violent act.
Go back and speak to the women/staff in the refuge. They will tell you it is very unlikely that once someone has stepped this far over the line, that he won't do it again. Your daughter knows this to be true instinctively - you are swayed by affection and a desire to go back to how things were. They never can.
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efenjee
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:33 |
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@ SafetyBlitz !
@ CandyGirl - Has your man told you anything about the 'conditions' in there? I mean, how is he doing? Made any 'friends'?
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:34 |
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Of course you are right in everything you say, but what if he really has changed , what if. And i know its a big what if, but i know how sick he felt about all of his actions. The truth hurts and i know you are right, so right- but and theres a big but.
You may find it hard to understand, but i do love him and i do feel guilty for feeling this way, i live in the same area as him, and even if i broke ties now when i see him around i wont be able to keep myself away, crazy but true.
I have known people to change.
i properley need help myself-dont hate x
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:40 |
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| You come from france, he actually comes from paris. Your right but why do i want him more than ever, i just cant let go- i do feel extremley bad for feeling this way, as my baby girl was oviously very hurt by this, i expected people to react to my message in this way anyway, because its right- i cry every day for him i just cant let go my friend, it's a situation that has all made me so ill, i feel bad as a mother , i really do- and sometimes i feel that my kids would be better of without me all together, which i know they wouldnt see it like that, but guilt rids me for loving him, i love him so much man---why??
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myrtle
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:52 |
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Candygirl
I don't find it hard to understand how you feel at all.
I was in a similar situation many years ago. When people close to me finally found out after a particularly vicious attack in a public place, he was drummed out of town, and told not to come back by bigger stronger people than me, people who pointed out to me that I was lucky not to be dead (I had a child too).
That was the only way I could get away from him, previously living in the same area we kept bumping into eachother and........well like your guy he was 'lovely' 'charming', I was crazy about him.....(except he kept battering me every so often, seems crazy to me now, but still, I do understand you).
Candygirl, you are anonymous here. I hope you don't mind me asking two questions?
Feel free not to answer
Is this honestly the first time there has been any violence/abuse?
Have you told your friends/family?
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Backatya
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:52 |
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@ Candygirl
You say 'don't hate' at the end of your last but one post. I take it you mean 'don't hate on him' not 'don't hate on you'?
Anyway my question is, have you come looking for advice to help you make up your mind? In otherwords are the comments you get from these 'faceless strangers' here going to influence whether you keep on seeing this guy or not? If the answer is NO then what is the purpose of this?
Just asking as it seems everyone has given the same 'advice' so far and all you have done is kept on the same 'I can't let go line'. If you really can't let go, any advice is purely academic.
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Mezmerized
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:52 |
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Candygirl....there is no advice that we can give you that will help your situation.....you are showing classic behaviour patterns of a battered woman, only serious couselling with a professional wil help you.......the *BUT he didn't mean it* excuse that you have been using is the number one reason given by any women in an abusive relationship.
So get to your Doctor and seek professional help......BN can't help you with this and i suspect you KNEW this, but you came here thinking because its an impersonal medium, we would be able to detach ourselves from the real world and agree with you....sorry, that ain't happening......domestic violence KILLS....and damages the children who are around those kinds of relationships, so on that note, do you want your children to be damaged perhaps for life just because your want to feel loved up every now and then before another big beatings??
Stop giving excuses.....for a woman with children you sound selfish and silly to want to be with a man who getting back with him might even cost you the custody of your children(statistics after statistics have proven that at *risk* children always end up taken away from their parents after a while...so think again...its no joke....and they are even more careless with black kids, they will just dump your kids with any Lashonda out there)......what kind of mother are you??
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efenjee
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 14:58 |
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candygirl wrote: You come from france, he actually comes from paris. Your right but why do i want him more than ever, i just cant let go- i do feel extremley bad for feeling this way, as my baby girl was oviously very hurt by this, i expected people to react to my message in this way anyway, because its right- i cry every day for him i just cant let go my friend, it's a situation that has all made me so ill, i feel bad as a mother , i really do- and sometimes i feel that my kids would be better of without me all together, which i know they wouldnt see it like that, but guilt rids me for loving him, i love him so much man---why??
You got it real bad Candygirl. I suggest you read some Iyanla man, you sound sooo depressed! Even though I may have been a bit harsh in my earlier post I do feel for you. If you were to develop your own sense of worth you wouldn't be depending on this joke of a man and the relationship you have with him to make you feel like somebody. Sounds like you know you need help but don't know where to turn...look inside yourself! The power is within you.
I don't know whether this man will hit you again or not and maybe he won't, all I know is if you were my sister I would be telling you to leave this man, cut him off and get an injuction out against him. If he beat you as badly as you say he did, he obviously has some serious issues and alcohol may only be a small part of it. If he is that psycho that he can batter someone he claims to love, he is probably too psycho for the mother of two vulnerable children to have in her life and her children's lives.
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Maat
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 15:00 |
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SNAP OUT OF IT. Every other word is "but I love him" If he loved you he would not have laid a finger on you. I've heard women say this before when it comes to them being battered and I just I don't get how you can be trying to make yourself believe that what he has done is ok.
You sound like you are about to get depressed yourself and while I could feel for you if it was just doubts about yourself as a mother, you do not need this man to be in your life. Use the time he is on jail to get yourself together and concentrate on your children.
OK maybe I haven't been at the receiving end of a mans fist to say that you could have a point but it's just not on. I don't know of any excuse for this other than the fact that the man is WEAK
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 15:11 |
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Oh come on now, i may feel down on myself for making the wrong choice in man, in loving someone which YES it's true dosnt deserve to be loved by me-and i am extremley sorry for what my kid's witness, but that dosnt mean that i am a bad mother, so o.k i made some wrong choices but i do love my kid's dispite what you may think, and i have come here to be heard and to talk about the way i feel, not to really get answers, i just need to talk.
I love my babies, and yes if i love them that much i wouldnt allow them to be subject to this anymore thats true, but im just finding it all difficult.
candy x
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 15:16 |
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@myrtle
Blimey he didnt flee to england did he , maybe its the same one haha.
There has been 2 occassions, and yes family do know xx
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myrtle
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 15:38 |
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Candygirl. I think people are being open and honest with you. I expect your family and friends have said similar things.
You say you miss your 'friend'. Think about your other 'friends'. If they did what he has done, twice, would you still be their friend?. Here's the answer - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
And another question. You say twice now, let me take a guess that there have been some other incidents, things that you are unwilling to categorise as 'violence' or 'abuse', perhaps really nasty rows where he said some very bad hurtful things; things he apologised for later and said he didn't mean? Things that you put down to language or cultural differences?
Now he has a criminal record, he will be even angrier and use that against you.
Candygirl, be brave, recover your pride and sense of duty. He will not change, protect your children from this man. They need you more than you need him.
He will survive and go on to do it to some other woman, just like my (not french!) ex did. You will survive too, start your new life without men like this now.
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shae
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 20:40 |
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I was thinking to give you advice but as efenjee & Backatya have already pointed out..all this advice is basically irrelevant as you've made up your mind already...rather than look after yourself & your children, you want to stay with someone who beats you up ..there's nothing more to say..is there 
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tuckerreed
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 20:46 |
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| Department of Public Assistance---------> down the hall
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 20:59 |
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Of course i dont want to be with him if he did this again, and i wouldnt say i have totally made my mind up, im very confused-one thing is i will never allow that night to happen again, i will never allow my kids to witness this agin- so i have to sure of whay exactly im doing, no matter what x
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 20:59 |
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Of course i dont want to be with him if he did this again, and i wouldnt say i have totally made my mind up, im very confused-one thing is i will never allow that night to happen again, i will never allow my kids to witness this agin- so i have to sure of what exactly im doing, no matter what x
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 21:01 |
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| sorry about that lst message, dont know why it went that rather odd colour
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BlackMatta
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 21:05 |
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Last edited on Saturday March 4th, 2006 22:26 by
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facetygal
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 21:38 |
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| If u loved ur kids like u said u do taking this man back wouldn't be an option. I bet u don't even realise the psychological damage this has done to ur daughter? And u wanna run the risk of having her witness something like that again? Maybe this man didn't beat u hard enough, maybe he needs to shet u another box - knock some friggin sense into ur head. It sounds like ur gonna take this poor excuse for a man back and how u can say u won't let that night happen again I don't know. If the man is intending to kill u how are u gonna stop him? Well here's my advice to u, sleep with one eye open and keep the hospital's number on speed dial
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 22:39 |
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| Wow that was a rather harse message, i must say-now i will go to bed and have sweet dreams after that, i'm not asking for sympathy- but that hurt.
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candygirl
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Posted: Wednesday August 24th, 2005 22:42 |
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| Dont get me wrong i hate him for what he did, maybe its me that needs the help..
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facetygal
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Posted: Thursday August 25th, 2005 01:05 |
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