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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Friday August 19th, 2005 18:53 |
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| Iam 22 1/2 and I have never had a serious relationship. I started pretty late in terms of sexual experience, I only lost my virginity at 20. But I was thinking is there something wrong with me i.e I dont like to let guys get too close and deliberately keep them away by instantly turning whatever could be into a "tings/linkage" and not really let them get to know me. One of my biggest fears in life is falling for someone and have them let me down, have seen what this has done to someone in my family....(dont want to go into details on the main forum). I am starting to think am I ever going to meet anyone and if and when I do will I ever let them in?? I am a pretty closed person and it takes me ages to trust people and for me to get to know them therefore dont have many friends. Am I weird? or is anyone else like this??
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BlackMatta
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Posted: Friday August 19th, 2005 19:11 |
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Last edited on Saturday March 4th, 2006 22:01 by
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east
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Posted: Friday August 19th, 2005 19:14 |
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blackbutterfly182 wrote: Iam 22 1/2 and I have never had a serious relationship. I started pretty late in terms of sexual experience, I only lost my virginity at 20. But I was thinking is there something wrong with me i.e I dont like to let guys get too close and deliberately keep them away by instantly turning whatever could be into a "tings/linkage" and not really let them get to know me. One of my biggest fears in life is falling for someone and have them let me down, have seen what this has done to someone in my family....(dont want to go into details on the main forum). I am starting to think am I ever going to meet anyone and if and when I do will I ever let them in?? I am a pretty closed person and it takes me ages to trust people and for me to get to know them therefore dont have many friends. Am I weird? or is anyone else like this??
I'm exactly the same.....same age and everything. Only difference is that I'm male. I too find it hard to let people close to me.
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Ladi_Swifty
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Posted: Friday August 19th, 2005 22:11 |
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From a young person's perspective (16), I don't personally think you're weird. I just think you're afraid of feeling pain, or hurt and you're trying to avoid it all costs. You can't do this forever, cause it's the pain and hurt that we go through with various situations that makes us stronger people. Try and let go a little, and if you get hurt..pick yourself up, think about what went wrong, and learn from your mistakes. You have to face trials an tribulations to grow as a person. I've been hurt before, been cheated on, dumped by text lol, humiliated, but now that I've experienced these things, I know how to prevent it from happening again, cause I thought about what led to those experiences, or what caused it. I've been taken advantage of, cause I used to let people walk over me and take the piss with me, but now people know they can't treat me that way, cause it's dealing with those kind of situations that made me less naive, and more aware of people's behaviours towards me, and made me realise that people couldn't carry on treating me that way. So no, you're not weird..but you gotta try to not hold yourself back as much, cause if you do eventually experience any pain in the future, it would be much harder to deal with than if you started preparing yourself from now.
Whenever I start worrying about something, I always think to myself "What's the worst that could happen?" then I prepare for that situation, so that whatever happens is better. Not saying this happens all the time, but in most cases, this really works for me.
Last edited on Friday August 19th, 2005 22:15 by Ladi_Swifty
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shae
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Posted: Sunday August 21st, 2005 10:40 |
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What it is about yourself that you don't wish to show other people?
Apart from being let down, what is really stopping you from getting close to other people?
It's a given that nobody wants to be let down and it's also a given that you cannot always/fully trust people, but it is experiences like these which help us grow.
class=sqq"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." Dr Maya Angelou
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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Sunday August 21st, 2005 16:15 |
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@Shae I think you hit the nail on the head with your question what is it about myself I dont wish to show other people? I think this is the root of all my problems with relationships, I dont think I have much confidence in myself and often think why do people like me and once people see the real me they will run off, in all types of relationships friends and guys etc. I dont know why I feel that way but I have felt like this throughout my life. I think there are aspects of my life I havent dealt with properley i.e family issues and not everyone who knows me, knows about what has gone on in my life cos I dont want or need to be seen as a victim and dont want to use that as any kind of excuse for anything that happens, or the way I deal or see the world. e.g A lot of people use their childhood as an excuse for the way they have turned out, I do believe it does have a bearing on the person you become but you cant use that excuse forever.
@Lady Swifty thanks for the advice read your post, cant believe you are only 16! you seem to have your head screwed on. But yeah what you saying is true that I cant hold back forever cos otherwise Im going to be a lonely old woman!lol. I know what you saying about people taking the piss, the last guy I was linking treated me like a doormat and I let him feel sooo dumb when I think about it know but I locked it off (long story!) But it was baaaad and I now know this will never happen again cos I have learnt from my mistakes and my friend said to me 'someone who doesnt learn from their mistakes is a fool'. This is true and it has made me stronger cos I know now what I will not put up with, cos to be honest there a lot of people out there who will take the piss if you let them, especially if they see you as naive or take your kindness as weakness. But I will try in time to let go a little and not hold back and realise that not everyone is going to let me down or out to get me. I like your suggestion of whats the worst that could happen cos life isnt menat to be all roses and everyone experiences pain and pleasure
____________________
We all self concious, Im just the first to admit it...
To know nothing is bad, to learn nothing is worse.
Your inner thoughts can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
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Ladi_Swifty
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Posted: Sunday August 21st, 2005 17:56 |
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Lol, I'm 17 next month  , but yeah I heard something similar to what you heard. " A smart person learns from their mistakes, a foolish person makes them again". I've never forgotten this and I've applied it to my life, and so far so good! lol, like you said, not everyone will let you down, but if they do, just remember to not stress about it. I've had to learn to control my emotions, it's hard lol, but I've learned how to. I used to get upset over every little thing, every minute I was "Depressed" because people were talking about me, or my boyfriend being mean to me etc etc, then I must have seen the light or something lol, cause one day I just said to myself.."Am I gonna be doing this for the rest of my life?" I knew I couldn't carry on that way. So now, situations that would have normally upset me in the past, I do things to take my mind off it, and after a good night's sleep I always end up looking at the situation in a positive light and after that, it's soon forgotten. For example, (get ya popcorn) one girl I went to school with, she spread rumours about me, and at one point turned people against me, boy did that hurt me, I was in...year 8/9 at the time. I didn't want to go to school, and my dad (back when we were speaking) suggested that I write her name on a piece of paper, and put in in my shoe everyday, and walk on it, then something bad will happen to her. I was so desperate for her to feel the pain she made me feel so I did it. Only for my mum to tell me that it's black magic and I should NEVER participate in that mess, cause it will come back on me. Hearing that...I stopped immediately, and I told myself to rely on karma...what goes around, comes around. As time went on, the following year, she lost ALL of her friends, all of a sudden, people didn't want to know her, people started talking to me again, and I felt happy once more, even though I didn't particularly like the fact that these "friends" were so quick to turn against me at her word. Then couple years later (me and this girl hadn't been talkin for around.....3 years? I think) I took it upon myself to approach her and try to be civil. I asked her if she wanted to be civil and forget what happened. Not asking if we should be friends as such, but keeping things civil. She said to me "I'll think about it".......I thought about that for a second then said to her "Ya know...you're not doing me any favours, so you can think about it all you want, cause...I don't think I wanna know any more". The next day in school, she told everyone how I was "Beggin Friend" with her....and funnily enough, people started talking to her after that day, and the talking about me commenced. No way was I gonna let these people get me down again. I know the truth, and she damn well knew the truth..so I didn't care what anyone else thought..sorry if this is long lol, then we were leaving school, in May. Everyone made up, cause ya know...it's the last day of school, we wouldn't be studying in the same lessons anymore etc etc. This girl was still carrying on with her foolishness, cutting her eye at me and talking about me. The people she talked to about me, came and told me cause they were tired of her. She left school with everyone tainting her name, and with no one who genuinely liked her. And even NOW, outside of school, she'll see me on the street, and tell her sister, her 6 year old sister to point and laugh at me....ya know what? I laugh back and tell the girl "Hi!" (her sister that is) lol, I find it funny that someone would stoop so low to try and make me feel bad about myself. She's the one with issues, and I'm not gonna let her try and intimidate me. So how did it end? Me, feeling good about myself, and not having to stamp on other people to get there, or to try and hurt anyone along the way. Her, having to try and belittle me to make herself feel good, feeling the need to focus on me and use energy on me cause she can't get me off her mind lol. Basically..lololol after all that, what I'm saying is, chances are, if someone does something bad to you...something will come round on them. Whether it be the same thing they did to you, or three times worse. Let the way of life take it's course and don't stress or waste any energy dwelling on the pain they made you feel. Life's too short, focus on the positive, and forget about the negative. If you're faced with negativity...don't waste time feeling down about it. Trust me, once you learn to take everything on the chin and expect the unexpected..you'll be ok lol. I don't know what to expect, so I don't expect anything, but whatever does happen...I'm ready for it
Sorry if that was long lolol, I had a lot to say
Last edited on Sunday August 21st, 2005 18:02 by Ladi_Swifty
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east
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Posted: Sunday August 21st, 2005 18:38 |
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blackbutterfly182 wrote: @Shae I think you hit the nail on the head with your question what is it about myself I dont wish to show other people? I think this is the root of all my problems with relationships, I dont think I have much confidence in myself and often think why do people like me and once people see the real me they will run off, in all types of relationships friends and guys etc. I dont know why I feel that way but I have felt like this throughout my life. I think there are aspects of my life I havent dealt with properley i.e family issues and not everyone who knows me, knows about what has gone on in my life cos I dont want or need to be seen as a victim and dont want to use that as any kind of excuse for anything that happens, or the way I deal or see the world. e.g A lot of people use their childhood as an excuse for the way they have turned out, I do believe it does have a bearing on the person you become but you cant use that excuse forever.
@Lady Swifty thanks for the advice read your post, cant believe you are only 16! you seem to have your head screwed on. But yeah what you saying is true that I cant hold back forever cos otherwise Im going to be a lonely old woman!lol. I know what you saying about people taking the piss, the last guy I was linking treated me like a doormat and I let him feel sooo dumb when I think about it know but I locked it off (long story!) But it was baaaad and I now know this will never happen again cos I have learnt from my mistakes and my friend said to me 'someone who doesnt learn from their mistakes is a fool'. This is true and it has made me stronger cos I know now what I will not put up with, cos to be honest there a lot of people out there who will take the piss if you let them, especially if they see you as naive or take your kindness as weakness. But I will try in time to let go a little and not hold back and realise that not everyone is going to let me down or out to get me. I like your suggestion of whats the worst that could happen cos life isnt menat to be all roses and everyone experiences pain and pleasure
Somehow you have to bring yourself up and don't rely on feeling sorry for yourself as someway of dealing with the whole situation. Just be determined and a little selfish (it doesn't hurt).
And it doesn't hurt talking to anyone (I should take my own advise).
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shae
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Posted: Sunday August 21st, 2005 18:47 |
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blackbutterfly182 wrote: @Shae I think you hit the nail on the head with your question what is it about myself I dont wish to show other people? I think this is the root of all my problems with relationships, I dont think I have much confidence in myself and often think why do people like me and once people see the real me they will run off, in all types of relationships friends and guys etc. I dont know why I feel that way but I have felt like this throughout my life. I think there are aspects of my life I havent dealt with properley i.e family issues and not everyone who knows me, knows about what has gone on in my life cos I dont want or need to be seen as a victim and dont want to use that as any kind of excuse for anything that happens, or the way I deal or see the world. e.g A lot of people use their childhood as an excuse for the way they have turned out, I do believe it does have a bearing on the person you become but you cant use that excuse forever.
Exactly!! I can relate to how you're feeling and you know what all you can do is be the best you you can be. You won't be liked by everyone and that's fine as long as you're happy with yourself it's all a work in progress and some progress quicker but it will fall into place one day at a time.
Also, you wonder why people like you (is it because you don't like yourself why you think that??), they obviously see something special in you...remember that.
Don't be so hard on yourself  Confidence is something that'll develop whilst you learn to accept yourself...
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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Sunday August 21st, 2005 19:52 |
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@Lady Swifty, I read your post and agree wholeheartedly with karma. That is definetly something I really believe in, in life. Some people think Im mad the way I go on about sometimes!lol but its soo true and everyone does in the end get what they deserve good or bad. So I do take heart in the fact knowing that everyone who has done me wrong will get it back I always try and treat people as I would like to be treated, cos I know that if I dont it will come back to me
The girl that was bugging you at school sounds like she has issues and people only "liked" her cos she spoke bad about other people and bullied them, meaning when you at school sometimes you dont know any better and the people who were hanging onto her every word wanted to pick on someone rather than be picked on. People are sheep and often dont stand up to the bullies cos they dont want to be the one singled out so they just go along with the crowd. But in the end people wake up and thats why people stopped talking to her, thats why she had to make up that story about u begging friends with her to make you look bad and have herself feel better about herself. She could go round telling everyone how you were begging for her friendship even tho she was a b**ch to u all those years, but she knew you were just being an adult by tryin to keep things civil. Everyone does that whole lets make-up on the last day of school!! The reason no liked her is cos they didnt like her in the first place! but when you leave school its like you feel free to be yourself and dont have to front cos u kno you dont ever have to see that person everyday anymore, she sounds like a bully who had people shook of her. She's pathetic if u still get to her like that when you see her on road!
As for the positive thinking I have tried to start doing that aswell cos like yourself I would get down about things really easily, but I do need to focus on the positives and not let people/situations get to me
@Shae, I think I have only realised things about myself recently when I sit back and actually think why do I behave in certain ways. i.e why did I let guys walk all over me?Why havent I had a serious relationship? Cos I dont like myself that much and think that is all I deserve. My friend is always brutally honest with me and she thinks I come across as quite vunerable and sometimes naive so these vibes get picked up by the wrong people. As I have also heard the saying, you attract what you are. But I am learning from my mistakes and I have decided not to deal with any guys until I am completely happy and comfortable with myself or nearly there! (that could take years!) But it will all be worth it in the end hopefully. I dont know why I think people wouldnt like me, I suppose when you dont like yourself much it shows in many different ways i.e allowing people to walk all over you, putting others first at the expense of yourself etc. How do you suggeest to become more confident and happywith yourself??
@east, I agree with you that I will become more determined and not dwell on things too much. yeah you should tak your own advice!lol
Thanks all
____________________
We all self concious, Im just the first to admit it...
To know nothing is bad, to learn nothing is worse.
Your inner thoughts can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
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Ladi_Swifty
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Posted: Sunday August 21st, 2005 20:19 |
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Lol yea, I never used to believe in Karma...I used to think....nothing will ever happen to them etc etc, but now I've seen it happen so many times!
I still got friends who are letting people take advantage of them an stuff, so I have to tell them to stop letting people take them for mugs! I tell them to stand up for themselves! I see the old me in them, so I try to get it out of them, but at the same time I let them make their own mistakes, but I'll give advice. I can't stand people succumbing to bullies advances, and even giving them the chance to start on them, and because I've seen how some bullies behave and what they'll try to do, I'll let my friends know an give them solutions or examples on how to react and treat it.
Hope everything I posted helped you lol, Enjoy ya life mayyn!
Last edited on Sunday August 21st, 2005 20:20 by Ladi_Swifty
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