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CaramelSagg
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Posted: Monday July 18th, 2005 12:37 |
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Hello everyone, I need your help. I have spoke to all my friends and family and my partner about this problem, however it is still bugging me. I have been friends with krystal for 12 years, we went school togeather and we have been close on and off since. We are now adults and are both 24. Well the other day we had a argument and she called me a idiot and a few other disrespectful things, to go into it will be to long, anyway this happened 5 weeks ago now, I went on hoiladay to tunisia and came back to be very disappointed to know she hadn't left a message on my phone. So i put my stubborness aside and called her, however everytime i called her the answering machine picked up. i came to the conclusion that she has changed her number. So i went to her house early, twice but she werent in. I didn't think she would be because it is summer and she is likely to be always out, at some park event, or a barbecue. I then decided to go to her mums house. I thought she would be there but she wasn't. Her mum said she was out at a park with her other friends. Anyway we had a chat and she said that she has also locked off her other friend, changed her number. I feel so hurt because the arguement was over false misunderstandings about how i worded a text. Even though by the end of the argument she brought up my man, because 6 months ago he had called her shouting the odds because his friends saw me and her in a wine bar together with two men. SO WHAT! it was completely innocent i knew the guy from a volunteer organisation that i volunteer for. My man apologised to her, since she has come round for dinner, theve talked and he has even done favours for her. So i don't know where that came from. Now I feel cut off. My friend was a good friend, but I can't believe how she is treating me. I feel like im her man and im running her down. I just want closure, and to get that i need to understand. Right about now i don't im confused, it came from no where. What should i do now? everyone else is saying leave her, her loss. But i miss her so much, ive cried, looked through pictures and i have been sad and moody ever since. Me and my man ain't getting on now since im blaming him, we are arguing and i get jeaslous when he goes out becuase i want to go out but i have no one to go with since she was the only person i used to go out with, to parks, clubs, pubs, wine bars or more time we just used to chill in with a bottle of wine, a take away and just talk about life, love and stuff. I miss that. I have thought about writing a letter? but whats the point i won't see her reaction. But i told her mum to ring me and that was a week ago and she hasn't. Unless she don't have it anymore. I was thinking of going to her house at night that way i know she will be in. Do you think this is extreme? IM a saggitarius and i just need closure, i feel if you don't want to be friends fine. I can't false her, but the least i deserve is to understand. But im scared she could turn me away from her door, argue with me. I don't know. Im not that type of person, im quiet and hate arguements and espically if she had company of any sort, i would feel so ashamed, regected and embarassed. Do you think im being over the top? should i just leave her alone? or should i approach her? Please give me some advice. Thank you-caramelsagg
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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Monday July 18th, 2005 15:41 |
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I dont think you are being over the top. I understand where you are coming from, in the fact you just want closure and cant understand why she is not talking to you. As for the text thing seems to be a lame reason for not talking to you, so you just want to find the "real" reason for her not talking to you. People can be really cold at times and human nature never ceases to amaze me how someone can just lock you off just like that after 12 years of friendship. It sounds like she is kinda cold if she has locked off another friend of yours like that and just changed her number. A similar thing happened to me there a group of us girls all met at uni, really tight used to catch bere joke on the same level. Then I had a minor disagreement with one of the girls, when we went out on a friday night this was incidentally my 21st b-day! Then monday at uni I saw her and the other 2 girls, 1 of them was and is still friends with me. But the one whose fault it was completely stopped talking to me and the 3rd girl who I was the closest to and had the most in common with stopped talking to me aswell, she had taken her side for some reason even though the argument wasnt involving her?? I still cant understand to this day almost a year and a half later why she stopped talking to me. To be honest I think people have other reasons for not talking to people ie your friend was looking for an excuse to not to talk to you so the text misunderstanding was the perfect excuse, hope this makes sense? To be honest when I look back in hindsight the girl who I was closest to, had been drawing away from me for months before and I think it was down to me telling her about this guy I liked etc but she didnt agree with it (long story!!). But the b-day incident was her excuse to not to have to talk to me anymore. So maybe look at if she had been acting funny before the text thing with you?? If it is getting you down then, you should go round and see her 12 years is a long time to be friends with someone. I say get closure so you can move on. Good Luck hope this has helped?? Let me know what you decide to do
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bluehoney
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Posted: Monday July 18th, 2005 16:42 |
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| i say let it go...no use in letting urself get sick over something that is not ur fault...she will be back ..trust me on this one...she may just need to figure some things out on her own...has nothing do do with you, from what u wrote..does not seem like u did anything out of the ordinary...just let it be...find some other people to kick it with/hang out with...it is no ones fault..u are letting this so called friend ruin other relationships in ur life...not to sound mean...but people come...and people go...sometimes we know people all of our lives and they leave..sometimes they stay...only one thing in life is constant and that is change...people change daily...sometimes we out grow people and situations..we have to learn to keep it moving...best wishes
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saywone1
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Posted: Monday July 18th, 2005 17:34 |
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Well it does seem like she was looking for a reason to cut you off. Did you say you were best friends for 12 years? For someone to just dump all that away over a misundersatanding is extreme, I think maybe there is something else, some other issue, perhaps something that has been going on longer but hasnt been dealt with properly?Perhaps maybe it was something your guy said to her when he confronted her about the two of you in a bar with this other guy?
If the both of you are as close as you say, im sure she misses you too. Maybe swallow a little pride and tell her so, maybe that might stir a little guilt for her to listen to you and make up. If you dont communicate nothing gets solved and everyone stays confused.
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Sooofresh
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Posted: Monday July 18th, 2005 17:59 |
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yes agreed......................it is an excuse to cut you off.................
that should be a lesson.....................I always have more than 5 best friends and give them equal attention....................so go out socialise ( with the right type of people) and forget depening on ONE person to be a friend.
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CaramelSagg
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Posted: Monday July 18th, 2005 20:54 |
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| Thank you all of you for your replies. Im still confused though. three of you say 12 years is a long time to throw away, wheres one of you feel i should let it go and people come and go. Id know all about that. I want to knock on her door as i said just to get closure but everytime i do shes not in. Shes obvisously getting on with things. Don't get me wrong i am a busy person, im at uni, work, go gym, have my man and family but as i said she is the only one i really hang with, all my other friends, which is a few they all have children, i haven't got any. This friend has a child but she isn't scarce of babysitters or money.She has been there for me through hard times, which actually make me even more made since she should know what iv'e been through. Maybe i have depended on her to much. But i thought that is what friends are for. I have been there for her equally. What a sad world it is if you can't trust people or worry they will walk out on you without any explanation at anytime.!
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blackbutterfly182
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Posted: Tuesday July 19th, 2005 10:43 |
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| It is sad that you dont ever really know anyone in this world not totally, so you can never know what they are thinking or going to do. We all have private thoughts that we just keep to ourselves and people can be COLD. I think anyone has the ability to just up and leave from your life its sad but it happens all the time. I have trouble trusting people, thinkin they are just going to leave so you just think whats the point in getting close to someone or letting them in, if they aint goin to be around for the long haul? Hey thats life though you live and learn along the way. Maybe you did depend on her but thats not a bad thing , well I dont think it is. Cos I'm sure it went both ways and you were there for her when she needed you.
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Lion
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Posted: Tuesday July 19th, 2005 11:35 |
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Your going to have to learn to be without this friend. There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. It is this friend that will never fail you and never forsake you. Use this time to get close to this friend, you will find its a friend from within. When your strong, this friend that left you as someone pointed out earlier, will be back, but by then you will be able to take them or leave them. That is the position you need to get yourself into. Your path's will cross again.
Use the time to get strong.. And try not to let hate grow in between the time that you and this friend is apart. You may find that when you come together you are even stronger friends than before.
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Allaccess
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Posted: Tuesday July 19th, 2005 12:08 |
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nah babes....dont nother run her down it aint worth it...i am sure that over the 12 years there have been worse fallouts b/w the 2 of you...she is just using that as an excuse to end the friendship...cant flog a dead horse and I'll be your friend if it helps...You with me people???
I know it doesnt help the pain in your heart now but if that was all you fell out over then she really wasnt your friend coming up to that period..and dont give up your relationship over it as your man did apologise to her...more than I would have done trust...
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saywone1
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Posted: Tuesday July 19th, 2005 13:46 |
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| friends are hard to find and i think people take them for granted. Personally i think you can only really count your true friends on one hand, everybody else are just associates. Its better to have and lost than have not at all. Its better to have one best friend than five associates. Im sorry for your situation but it does seem extreme for her to react that way and it does seem like it was an opportunity in waiting for her.
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facetygal
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Posted: Tuesday July 26th, 2005 19:14 |
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Went tru a madness like dat with my ex best friend, treated the gal like she was my sister then she did me wrong. Leave the gal alone u don't need people like that in ur life, as u said she is moving on so should u. Think of it like this: even if u talked to the gal and u were friends again tings would never be the same, what would u do if u have another arguement? Everyting happens for a reason so it might be a blessing in disguise that she is not calling u or is not home when u pass by, it's not always necessary to have closure or maybe now is not the right time. Keep ur head up and concentrate on the remaining peeps in ur life, namely ur boyfriend and ur family.
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Adeola
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Posted: Tuesday July 26th, 2005 21:53 |
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I kinda went through the same thing with one of my friends. She stopped speaking to me for a SILLY reason.
Anyway, I am the type who has to sort things out and don't like things hanging - I hate to hold a grudge and because of this I sent her endless text messages, but it just didn't work. So one day I sent here one long e-mail and she finally responded. After this point, I realised that as much as I missed her friendship, she wasn't really that worth getting upset over if she found it so easy to lock me off and ignore me and could be so petty; why was I getting so upset about it.
The way I see it, you haven't got much to lose. Do what it takes to try and mend your friendship, and if she doesn't wanna know then you need to realise that you're a lot stronger than her. It takes a lot to be the 'bigger person' and that is what you are being and have been, a weak person is somebody that don't wanna let things go and somebody who does not value friendship.
Me and my friend are not speaking anymore. At first it bothered me a lot, but now I've gotten over it and I couldn't care less. Yeah, we did get on VERY well and we shared a lot and I do miss her (we have a our little inside jokes, which we can no longer share).
If you can't forgive others, how do you expect God to forgive you?
When angry with somebody, its like carrying a heavy rock. Nobody suffers from bitterness, but the person who is bitter, because they have to wake up every morning knowing that they are angry with somebody. Whereas, we could just get on with our lives because we don't hold any anger or resentment.
BUT it takes these kinda things to see what kinda person she really is, cos if you can have a falling out over such pettiness - Then is she really a friend??? Friends should be like-minded.
If she decides to come round, then that's good. But if she doesn't then maybe it's the end of your friendship.
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kerisee
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Posted: Wednesday July 27th, 2005 15:40 |
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| YOU KNOW WHEN I FIRST READ THIS POST, IT REALLY JUST REMINDED ME OF MYSELF, UNABLE TO LET GO OF THINGS THAT HAS CLEARLY LET GO OF ME. YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY SINCERE PERSON. I AGREE WITH THE OTHERS WHEN THEY SAY THAT YOUR FRIEND (EX FRIEND) NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO LET GO OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP. AND THE REASON WHY SHE IS NOT RETURNING YOUR CALLS IS BECAUSE SHE GRADUALLY LEFT YOUR FRIENDSHIP, SHE PROBABLY FELT BAD AT FIRST BUT, SOON GOT OVER IT AND IS NOW ABLE TO HAVE OTHER HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT SHE NEVER THINKS ABOUT YOU, BUT I DEFINITELY KNOW IT'S NOT AS OFTEN AS U THINK ABOUT HER. AND HONEY GIRL DON'T U RUIN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH A GOOD MAN BECAUSE OF A BAD FRIEND. CUT THAT OUT IMMEDIATELY. I KNOW WHERE UR COMING FROM BECAUSE I WAS IN SOME SORT OF THE SAME PREDICAMENT. I CAN COUNT ALL MY FRIENDS ON ONE HAND. SOMETIMES IT SUCKS EVEN WITH A BOYFRIEND. ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT BOYFRIEND HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS. BUT I FIND THINGS TO DO, I KNIT......( I'M ONLY 24 AS WELL) ANYWAY I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I KNOW I'M LATE WITH THIS POST, BUT I HAD TO REPLY.
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efenjee
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Posted: Wednesday July 27th, 2005 16:10 |
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CaramelSagg: I had to lock off an old friend of mine in this way and it wasn't over what I made out it was over. I used a small(ish) thing as an excuse but I been trying to make a break from this girl for a long time. I felt the friendship was done long ago but she would phone or email me even when I hadn't contacted her for weeks in an effort to make her get the message that I was not inna her. Sometimes you change and sometimes the person changes. If I met that girl now I would never have befriended her but when we first became friends we were little girls and I was definitely a different person. She has good points but truthfully for me they do not outweigh the bad. I don't think she is a very nice person, very draining, badminded, negative, insecure, competitive, selfish etc etc. I didn't want to break it down to her like that so I just dropped her like a hot brick. If she forces me to I will break it down but that would really hurt her if I told her exactly why I don't want to be friends anymore - and I don't think that is necessary. I wouldn't want anyone to tell me the things I could tell her about herself so unless she pushes it I won't do it. My advice is to examine yourself and ask yourself what it is about you that the girl could have disliked enough to just lock you off like that. If you are honest with yourself and you are able to pick out certain things, use that knowledge to improve yourself but don't beat yourself up.
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kerisee
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Posted: Wednesday July 27th, 2005 16:22 |
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efenjee, your wrong honey for what u did to that girl. i understand that she is a negative person and bad minded, and that's a great example of the toxic kind of people u should get rid of in your world, but i can't agree with how u did it. a true friend would let the other person know what it is about them that is displeasing. if your friends don't tell you who will. you are basically helping her to destroy herself. i can't tell you how many toxic people i have kicked out of my life, but i definitely told them what was up before i did it (at least most of them). I think that the word friendship is now just used as a dangling word. we need to start being real with those who are important in our lives... JUST A THOUGHT.... sorry for making this about you but i could'nt resist to comment., 
peace out
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efenjee
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Posted: Wednesday July 27th, 2005 16:50 |
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kerisee wrote: efenjee, your wrong honey for what u did to that girl. i understand that she is a negative person and bad minded, and that's a great example of the toxic kind of people u should get rid of in your world, but i can't agree with how u did it. a true friend would let the other person know what it is about them that is displeasing. if your friends don't tell you who will. you are basically helping her to destroy herself. i can't tell you how many toxic people i have kicked out of my life, but i definitely told them what was up before i did it (at least most of them). I think that the word friendship is now just used as a dangling word. we need to start being real with those who are important in our lives... JUST A THOUGHT.... sorry for making this about you but i could'nt resist to comment.,
peace out
Kerisee, I haven't taken offence at what you've said. The thing is I actually had it all out with the girl a couple years ago, made her aware of all the things I thought made her a bad friend in a tactful way. Cos I know her so well I doubted whether she would change and thought it would be the end of the friendship from there,I just thought it would help her to know. What then happened is that she did not accept that there was any truth in anything I was saying, acting as if she was oblivious to the problems with our friendship and switched it all around to make it look like I was some needy, oversensitive friend who wanted more from her than she could give which is totally untrue, I am a very cool girl even if I say so myself. She then went on to say how she considers me one of her closest and dearest friends which made me feel awkward about saying, "well actually I don't care, I don't like you anymore." Talk about manipulative!
She changed nothing about her ways and I ended up trapped in a friendship that I didn't really want anymore simply because I was not clear at the time about what I wanted. I did not want her to feel bad about herself or for us to sort anything out, I wanted to end the friendship but did not go about it the right way. Then I thought well even if she is going on like what I'm saying doesn't make sense she may know deep down that it's true and change her ways. She has not done that, she is just as spiteful, bitter and scheming - and thinks I am not aware of it, she should know how perceptive I am by now. I am not going down the whole 'having it all out' route again so I decided to do it different this time. I ain't going into the reasons why with her (unless forced), all she really needs to know is that I do not want to be her friend anymore.
The girl is 'toxic' as you say and the reason I know she is not a friend worth keeping is because how she has dealt with me in the past is not how I deal with people I consider to be friends. She is inconsiderate, unsupportive and badmind and seems to prefer when I'm down on my luck and suffering to when I am doing well and happy and it's not cos I show off when things are good cos I am not that type, I always consider the feelings of others whether they are friends or not. She seems uncomfortable when I am feeling positive and will make little subtle remarks to try to bring me down - and someone like that I have to be rid of. This girl is one of my oldest friends and I don't have lots of friends so the decision to drop her was not taken lightly. What I realised is I would rather have no one, than have anyone in my life who makes me feel the way she often did.
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kerisee
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Posted: Wednesday July 27th, 2005 17:06 |
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ooh, well honey girl since u put it that way, i definitely agree with you. It seems that she did not take you very seriously the first time when you told her of her toxic ways. In addition, to that it appears that she took advantage of your friendship which is selfish and disparaging. It was wise of you to interrupt your friendship with this woman/girl. Toxic spreads like a virus. SO GOOD FOR YOU....I wish you well efenjee 
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CaramelSagg
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Posted: Wednesday July 27th, 2005 18:07 |
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| Hello all. Thank you all for your advice. Each and everyone was appreciated. Well I done it! No i couldn't leave it i knocked on her door and she was in. I have to cut a long story short but i told her that i am here for closer and not to beg her friendship, i let her know i didn't understand what the arguement was about and then she broke it down. She said she didn't like the message it was blunt, the arguement was nothing about my man and that she was upset that i brought up waht was said two nights before and i should have said it that night so she thought i was holding a grugde. She told me she also has her own issues, which i know about, she said she did miss me and her daughter misses me but she said she werent going to call (stobburn) she said she wants to be friends again. That was a week ago, she has been texting hoever we have not called each other. I feel very happy though because i have got closer, I know why we argued and that really it was nothing that i did. It was done to imaturity, insecurity, stobborness and mis communication. I think its true what someone said above which is even if we do make up the friendship would never be the same and its not.Alot of my people have said that they think she is jeaolous of me because she is a single mother. Whereas i have no children, have been in a relationship over four years, drive, just finished my degree and starting my masters this september and other things in comparison. However i don't like to think this is true because i do love my friend and feel friends should be happy and proud for there friends, i know i do but whatever it was or is, if this frindship is to survive alot of brigdes need to be built and so does the trust. x
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