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lottabody
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| Joined: | Wednesday April 20th, 2005 |
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Posted: Wednesday April 20th, 2005 16:56 |
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i'm 33 ,i've been married for 17 years and it has been ups and downs but lately husband chooses to spend time with his friends instead of quality time with his family. i work days, he works nights the only day we really get to spend together is sunday and lately not even then because he spends it with friends for hours on end. i've tried telling him that i feel left out neglected and alone but he doesn't seem to feel that he's doing anything wrong. it seems as though he doesn't care one way or the other, but yet he still stays. i'm a good wife and mother and i treat him like gold. When i try to talk to him about our problems (hardly any communication between us) he says he's tired of going through the same thing over and over. i am so unhappy. we have 4 children (5, 10, 15, 16) and they see my pain and they see the neglect and they worry so much about me and it kills me because they deserve so much better from us. Counseling is not something that he would agree to. I don't want to end my marriage because there is still alot of love there but at the same time it is deteriorating fast and its hard to just let go. i am so torn between a lifetime of love that i have in my heart for him and the need to have peace because i am so depressed . can anyone with serious sound advice help me.
all cried out.
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Vezz.
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Posted: Wednesday April 20th, 2005 17:20 |
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It must be the day for it!
I think you should stop putting him on a pedestal and find some interests of your own. You'll soon see how fast he'll come running when you're not at home cooking his tea. He's taking you for granted because he wants his space too.
Peace.
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Ginger
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Posted: Thursday April 21st, 2005 00:35 |
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I think Lady Vee makes a good point re:doing something for yourself. However, there's the possibility that he may continue in the same vein, so it's really important to do something that you enjoy, rather than something just to get his attention.
Cut back on the tears right now! Find a way of venting your frustration (away from the home, e.g. gym, sauna or something) so that even if things get wound up, you're not. If you're more relaxed, the children will be too. If things get heated just leave the room, easier said than done I know, but it can be done. For now, take a step back and observe what is happening for a while, don't say a thing. Sometimes we learn a lot more this way. Concentrate on looking after yourself and the children, no reason why they should be miserable. Go out, do stuff. If he wants to be involved, fine, if not, his loss! Children grow up very fast these days.
At some point he will give an indication of why things have changed; he has problems with (work/home/whatever). Perhaps he's having the famous mid-life crisis, maybe he thinks you've changed - have you? It appears from what you say, you got married quite young, people change alot. Whatever it is, friends are just a diversion in order to avoid dealing with the real issue.
If you decide to stay with it, prepare for a long haul because these things take time. Don't let it drag on forever though, you must give yourself a cut off point, when you get there, it has to be an open and honest discussion, no avoiding the real issues, no trading insults. Then you will know which way you have to go. It's not easy, but you'll get through it.
All the best
Last edited on Thursday April 21st, 2005 00:38 by Ginger
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On a rocket ship no time to waste,
I just want to gravitate.....
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lottabody
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Posted: Thursday April 21st, 2005 03:05 |
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thankyou for that sincere advice i will take heed. bless u
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lottabody
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Posted: Thursday April 21st, 2005 03:09 |
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thankyou so much for your advice it gave me alot to think about and reflect on and it makes so much sense. maybe now i can get back in focus and concentrate on whats really important. my childrens happiness and well being. when they are happy so am i and vice versa. and when i return my focus on me and reconnecting with myself. then and only then can i regain my sanity. again thankyou for the advice and the words of inspiration and comfort.
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Ginger
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Posted: Thursday April 21st, 2005 17:01 |
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| No probs, just glad it was helpful.
____________________
Take me to your place in space, I'm sick and tired of the rat race.
On a rocket ship no time to waste,
I just want to gravitate.....
____________________
www.blacksearch.co.uk - Helping to promote Black African and Caribbean Websites
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